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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1238
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=== 1238 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1238
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 28 Nov 2001 16:36:48 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1238
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1233  66 votes 49om7 4bud8 3bpl6 4egkc 39knb 5cghg 6epf6 ckhg1 24ns9 6cqd9
1233  3.2 mean  3.3   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.5   3.4   3.0   2.6   3.6   3.1

--- 1238-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> WHATS NEW IN THIS RELEASE OF THE INTERNET ORACLE (TM)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great, just what I need a talking toilet.

--- 1238-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh great fun-loving Oracle, who is never dull, who has been
>  voted "Life of the Party" for three millenia in a row, please
>  help this poor supplicant who is clearly in over her head.
>  My daughter is having a birthday party to celebrate turning
>  6 years old this weekend.  We have about 15 6-year-olds
>  coming to the party. Please PLEASE suggest some party games
>  that won't destroy my home!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pin the Email on the Wrong Key:
}
} Each child, in turn, has to push one button on the keyboard until
} they email the complete works of Shakespeare to someone.
}                           ===
} Hide and Go to Sleep:
}
} Each child hides, then sleeps.
}                           ===
} Ralph Lauren Polo:
}
} One child is blind folded, hand them shirts. When another child
} yells out "Polo?" the blindfolded one has to guess the shirt's
} designer.
}                           ===
} Spin the Bottle Contents Source:
}
} Place a photo of each child's mom in a blender... no wait, that's
} not right. Next.
}                           ===
} Freeze Tag:
}
} Each child runs around wildly until you shout "FREEZE!", then
} they have to place their hands behind their heads with fingers
} interlocked. First child to move has to go home.
}                           ===
} Gin Rummy:
}
} Turn on Barney. Each time Barney hops from one foot to another
} each child has to power down a teaspoon of gin. Each time
} Barney holds both his arms out at right angles from his body
} each child has to chug a tablespoon of rum. First child to
} start cursing at Barney wins.
}                           ===
} Absolve The Oracle of All Legal Responsibility:
}
} Each child must swear before entering the party not to hold
} The Internet Oracle (tm) responsible for any injuries or
} humiliations that they may or may not endure. Each child that
} does so gets a paper party hat and is allowed into the party.
} Those that refuse have to sit on oil stains in the garage until
} the day is over or until they come around and see the light,
} which ever comes first.
}                           ===
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of cake.

--- 1238-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> fork?  Fork?!? FORK???
>
> ah, fork!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can see your Swedish Chef impression is going to need a lot of work.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chicken.

--- 1238-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most multilingual,
>
> What is the worst example of mistranslation ever made?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle asked Kendai to translate "The Lord of the Rings"
} into Oracala. Here's a sample of that ill-fated endeavor:
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} "TELLME! TELLME! TELLME! TELLME!"
}
} The halls of the abandoned mines of Tellme-moria echoed with
} the fell sound again, a sound that had not been heard since
} midnight the night before.
}
} "TELLME! TELLME! TELLME! TELLME!"
}
} Orrie-dalf looked up, concern etched on his face as plainly as
} if his face was a sand filled toy with a red border and white
} knobs on it from the early 1960s.
}
} 'What's that?' quizzed Personalityless-enity-orginally-
} included-for-comic-relif-but-now-just-there-to-feed-straight-
} lines-to-others.
}
} "A queue-drog!" said Orrie-dalf.
}
} "Great googlie-booglie!" said Zad-win the Mental-dwarf in his
} native tongue.
}
} "I had thought them all .dead_lettered by now," said Aren't-
} I-Gone-yet (the stand in character formerly known as Kendai).
}
} "TELLME! TELLME! TELLME!"
}
} "Alas the mental-dwarves delved too shallow too often and
} let loose the Queue-drog..."
}
} All turned on the only Mental-dwarf available, Zad-win, and
} kicked him a few times.
}
} "TELLME! TELLME! TELLME!"
}
} Then it was before them, the Queue-drog! And a fell critter it
} was with a drain as wide as wings that may or may have not
} existed and a whip made of really annoying song-parodies.
}
} "Flee you fools!" shouted Orrie-dalf.
}
} And all ran except Zad-win who was tying his shoes. Orrie-dalf
} saw this and pondered many things. Then the great Wiz-tard
} produced from a pocket some magic from the land of HoME-Deeppoe,
} a tube of glue that was super and unlike no other glue that
} had been unseen since before or after the days of yore. And
} deftly Orrie-dalf glued Zad-win to the floor and then Orrie-
} dalf fled.
}
} 'Damn Mental-dwarves, all their fault anyway.'
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a spider.

--- 1238-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> What is the equivalent in the biological world of an .msn
> account?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there isn't, really.  Not to say that there wasn't, just that
} creatures that shared qualities with the (willful) owner of an MSN
} account tended not to survive as long nor reproduce as much.
}
} A good match is domesticated sheep.  Evolution is this wonderful
} exception to the laws of thermodynamics (I remember when God laughed
} and said "just wait, the smartass secular scientists will embrace it
} without even thinking!").  Domestication is cranking the evolution
} gear backwards -- instead of the smart and assertive ones surviving,
} mating, and rearing smarter animals, a domesticated herd culls all
} but the submissive and subduded ones.  Feral sheep used to forage on
} the highest mountain peaks and the widest valleys, and trample lone
} predators to death.  Now, after generations of culling and shepherding
} and being fed since birth, they get terrified if you move the feed
} trough and I've witnessed some unable to hop a fence without getting
} stuck in it, or even pass through a gate without a shepherd there
} to push them between the posts, with their hook that looks like a
} bent paperclip.
}
} Once they were few, but those few were explorers and took care of
} themselves.  Now, after being taken care of by humans they thought
} were looking out for their best interests, they are creatures of
} unwavering habit, mindbogglingly unable to adapt, and should any of
} them protest the conditions they're made to suffer the offender is
} punished or slaughtered (although not by sharks, the natural analogy
} to MS lawyers, but I'm stretching it).
}
} Oh, and sheep are notoriously vunerable to infectious bacteria or
} viruses, but that holds true for any herd animal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shepherd's hook, written in VBscript and sent
} via e-mail or MSN Messenger.

--- 1238-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have a puppy that I want to give away. He is not
> a nice puppy, so he is offered Free To Bad Home. Will
> you take him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Standard Invoice Date: 09/03/01
} -----------------------------------------------------
} Question:
} I have a puppy that I want to give away. He is not
} a nice puppy, so he is offered Free To Bad Home. Will
} you take him?
}
} Answer:
} No.
} -----------------------------------------------------
} Invoice:
} Transportation cost for one
} puppy to Mount Olympus....................$600
} Standard bribe to temple guards............$50
} Puppy chow.................................$30
} Leash and collar...........................$20
} Chew toy...................................$10
} Sleeping basket...........................$100
} Clean up costs for peeing in
} Ganymede's nectar still...................$500
} Removal of fecal stains from the
} Tapestry of the Fates....................$4000
} Sacred rite of re-lighting Vestia's
} hearth of eternal flame.................$50000
} Replacement of Athena's olive tree.......$2000
} Re-furbishing of Dionysus' couch..........$900
} Ultrasonic recovery of Hermes' staff....$30000
} Psychatric services for Hera's peacock
} for inhumane psychological trauma.........$800
}
} Total due upon receipt:.................$89010
}
} You owe the Oracle a place to stay until this blows over. Oh, and
} $89010.

--- 1238-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most magical,
>
> Will they really let J.K. Rowling stop writing Harry Potter
> books after the planned seven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great, people's obsession with conspiracy theories has really gone off
} the deep end now. Yes, yes, book store owners and toy manufacturers
} will hold Ms. Rowling at gun point and force her to write books
} forever, then when forever comes and she dies they'll hide the fact
} she's dead and hire ghostwriters.
}
} Here's a real live prediction of the future for you. Long before Book
} Seven the Harry Potter fad will have run it's course and no one will
} care about Ms. Rowling anymore. These things come and go. Heck, forty
} years ago every one was going on about some droll English professor
} named Tolkien and his books like they would amount to something.
} Same thing, a flash in the pan fad, nothing more nothing less.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date for December 19th.

--- 1238-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle;
>
> Why is April the cruelest month?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed. April is tax season.

--- 1238-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Has Hollywood ever put out a story that was LESS sensational than
> the truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, certainly, if you count Disney as part of Hollywood.
}
} For example, take Snow White.  Do you *really* think they lived happily
} ever after?  In actual fact, the evil queen was set upon and brutally
} hacked to pieces by the dwarves with their pickaxes.  In a trial of
} epic proportions, rivaling that of O.J. Simpson, it was revealed that
} while Snow White was living with the dwarves, nature had taken its
} course, and she was not nearly so pure and innocent as Prince Charming
} had thought.  In a rage, the Prince divorced Snow White, and sent the
} dwarves back to the mines, in shackles this time.  Things only went
} from bad to worse when Snow White bore a very small son five months
} later.  In an interview, Grumpy confessed that he had secretly been a
} necrophiliac for years, and this was the only time he'd been able to
} satisfy his desires.  But none of this was mentioned in the film.
}
} And that documentary they did on the migration of the lemmings was
} carefully edited before it was released, to hide the fact that two
} camera crews were trampled to death during the filming.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of what Jack was *really* doing with
} the giant's wife when he climbed up the beanstalk.

--- 1238-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> . . . and as you can see gentlemen, and of course ladies, that the
> design for the type VI distribution machine is still perfectly
> functional, however improvements need to be made. This design
> initiative is particularly timely since the patents on the type VI are
> nearly expired . . . eXpirED!! . . . Expired . . . that parrot isn't
> sleeping; It's dead. It is an expired parrot . . . expIRed . . . ex . .
> . EX . . .
> Exterminate!!!, Exterminate, We must Exterminate all the Humans . . .
> Bwian! Welease, Bwian !!! . . . and Mark Wing-Davy as Zaphod Beeblebrox
> . . I have a pain down all the diodes on my left side . . . It was the
> Salmon Mousse!
>
> . Oracle, if there is anyone in the galaxy who can understand what
> happened to my boss at today's meeting it will be you, assuming that it
> was not the salmon mousse, please most gracious Oracle help me
> understand my boss's instructions for the redesign of the type VI
> sorter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your boss suffered an attack of Cult Quote Overflow (CQO, pronounced
} "cuckoo"). This is quite a common disorder amongst frequent Usenet
} posters where, as you probably know, any direct or indirect reference
} to a cult phenomenon such as Monty Python or Douglas Adams requires
} everyone else to instantly post follow-up quotes to indicate that
} they, too, are familiar with the source material. About 65% of all
} Usenet traffic now consists of such posts.
}
} Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds like
} it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at inappropriate
} moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one on the whole,
} though I am slightly concerned by the presence of Doctor Who material
} in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his condition worsens,
} expect to hear such things as "These are not the droids you're looking
} for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only one!" and "My name is
} Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die". The terminal
} stages are characterized by such outbursts as "Smoke me a kipper, I'll
} be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the beams!" and "Klaatu barada
} nikto". When you hear any of these, you should put him out of his
} misery as quickly and humanely as possible.
}
} As to your outstanding problem, on no account use the Force, Luke - I
} mean, use any of this in the redesign of the type VI sorter. It's
} life, but not as we know it - I'm sorry, I can't do that, Dave . . .
} Argh! I meant to say, I'm sorry, I meant to say it's as funny as an
} amusingly shaped vegetable. No, I didn't! Deep breaths, Orrie. In,
} out, in, out . . . I'm in control. I'm a doctor, not a . . . not a
} . . . I am not a doctor, I am the Oracle. That's right, and I am not a
} number, I am a free man! I am the gatekeeper - are you the keymaster?
} Well, you can't be, because I ate his liver with some fava beans and
} a nice chianti. I'll have what she's having. I seem to be having
} tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle. I would have got away with it
} too, if it hadn't been for you pesky kids. I see a little silhouetto
} of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, won't you . . . Shut that bloody
} bouzouki up!
}
} Okay, I'm better now. All I was trying to say is that priming a
} distribution unit with endless examples of other people's humor is not
} going to make the world a better place, is it now? God knows, there's
} little enough originality around as it is - let's not implant even
} more people with the Python-parroting meme.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Royale with cheese, a good day to die and some of
} the violence inherent in the system. Make it so.