From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 18 21:49:09 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id fAJ27LB11108; Sun, 18 Nov 2001 21:07:21 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2001 21:07:21 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200111190207.fAJ27LB11108@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1237 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1237 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1237 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2001 21:07:09 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1237 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1232 65 votes 7ecp7 0iqe7 ajbg9 4brg7 7fji6 39mn8 fmf85 4bql3 79qf8 echca 1232 3.0 mean 3.2 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.0 3.4 2.5 3.1 3.1 2.9 --- 1237-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is karma real? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You bet karma is real, my dear supplicant. Your every action will } either build or deplete your karma. } } For example: } } Letting someone go ahead of you in traffic when you didn't need } to: +1d6 karma } } Cutting somebody off: -1d6 karma } } Giving to a worthwhile charity: +3d6 karma } } Giving to the Republican party (not talking about taxes here, } either): -3d6 karma } } Bombing and/or embargoing a third-world country into ruins: -6d1764 } karma (That's right, roll six 1,764-sided dice. God not only does play } dice with the Universe, but he owns a really l33t gaming store.) } } Resisting the temptation to give money and/or arms to shady guerrilla } leaders or dictators in the first place so they never come back to } bite you in the ass: +6d6 karma (C'mon, we don't give huge bonuses for } obvious decisions) } } Solving a long outstanding mathematical or scientific problem: +8d42 } karma } } That has immediate or long-term benefits for mankind: +8d716 karma } } That's actually just a new innovation in advertising: -42d1000 karma } } Making "All your base" jokes: -2d4 karma } } Writing a worthwhile oracularity: +2d4 karma } } Asking about woodchucks: -3d1000 karma } } And so on, et hoc genus omne. } } Then, at the end of your life, if you've yet to achieve the kind of } transcendent inner knowledge that Buddha, Lao-tse or Chris Farley } possessed, how much karma you have determines how you get } reincarnated. If you're in the positives, you come back as something } better - say, a great teacher, or a dolphin, or a masseuse at an } exclusive resort for super-models. If you're in the negatives, then } obviously you have many lessons yet to learn, so you come back as the } same thing or worse. Say, a database programmer, sea cucumber, or some } kind of vole. } } I shudder to think what Zadoc did in his previous lives. } } You owe the Oracle Culture Club's greatest hits on vinyl. *Red* vinyl. --- 1237-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > GREAT MOMENTS IN THE LIFE OF THE ORACLE... > > and YOU ARE THERE! > > When Junius Brutus and the sons of Tarquin asked the Delphic Oracle > who was to succeed Superbus on the throne of Rome, they received for > answer, "He who shall first kiss his mother." While the two princes > hastened home to fulfill what they thought was meant, Brutus fell to > the earth, and exclaimed, "Thus kiss I thee, O earth, the great > mother of us all." > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > What do think Orrie? We run a series of these during the next > Super Bowl. Your name recognition goes sky high and tributes will > come pouring in.... what do you think? Is it a go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* We never had commercials during the Pythian Games. } } Being nigh-immortal is nice, don't get me wrong, but it means you spend } a lot of your life being an old man. Old men have simpler tastes. } Apollo and I don't go out to the clubs anymore, priestesses are cute } but tend to focus more on good looks than obscure wisdom... I gave 'em } a really good serverance package and told 'em to start their own } business, all I ask is that they use an owl in the logo as a } rememberance to the duties they carried in the name of inscrutable } wisdom. } } God help us all -- they went and started the "Hooters" chain of } taverns. } } Anyways, I'm already world-reknown beyond the archeology books (thanks } to Steve and the gang at Indiana U), and I don't have anywhere to } put the tribute. Lisa thought the sprigs of mistletoe made for great } Christmas wreaths, but one weekend she was bored and made a whole } living room suite out of the stuff and now she's sick of it. It was } about 400 years after the carpenter's son that Rome handed me my } eviction notice. I was glad for a way to get out of the lease on the } temple, and move into someplace with aqueducts and less of a gas leak. } I left my desire for fame behind me, took a vacation and pretended to } be an ignorant mortal for a while. I spent time as a scribe, a sea } merchant (dealing in retail sails), a bard, and door-to-door } encyclopaedias. I tried being a judge for a while, but people got } suspicious when I never called witnesses to the stand, so I skipped } town after that. } } Thanks anyways. If you ever did a "this is your life!" kind of party } for me, I'd adore it -- I'd even tell you how to summon spirts of the } dead for your gueststars, but I had a taste of being a celebrity for a } few hundred years already and that was enough. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything this time -- it was a nice idea, and } I appreciate it. --- 1237-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is cindi married And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A fine question to ask yourself now that you've slipped that } goofy glass slipper on the feet of 632 peasant girls... --- 1237-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most cold resistant and chicken soup like of the deities, > > Should I get a flu shot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Learn to curb your bestial impulses and live in peace with your flu. } What if everyone shot their flu? The carnage would be horrendous! In } this universe, we must all strive to understand and tolerate each } other. And if we hear you've gone ahead and shot your flu, we won't } hesitate to drop a dime on you and send you to the slammer for the rest } of your miserable and pathetic little life. -- May You Find Peace, } Love, and Understanding. --- 1237-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And then did Adam saith unto the Lord, "Yo, what can I get for a rib?". > Well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And the Lord spake unto Adam, "Thou hast offended me--thou knowest } thou shouldst grovel before me and refrain from such hip-hop slang } terminology in the face of Thy Lord." } } And Adam respondeth, "Chill Homey" } } And God knocketh Adam out, and when he awoke he foundeth a rib missing, } and some hoochie mama lying nude beside him. And God thought that } this was good, and he awoke Adam saying, "A-man.. waketh up" } } And Adam awakeneth, to this divine being, a cross between J-Lo and } Gwyneth, though not as slutty nor as refined, and said, "G-dog... } You da man!" } } And God said, "No YOU da Man..." } } } } To which Eve awakeneth, "Methinks I have a headache... I will find } a Apple to keep the Doctor away..." --- 1237-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Discerning, > > What is the cause of that Strange Hubbub in the graveyard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's actually not a Strange Hubbub (Tumultum arcanum). It's a Weird } Hubbub (Tumultum outlandi). It's a natural mistake to make, as the two } are nearly identical in appearance. The easiest way to tell them apart } is by their call. T. arcanum makes short, percussive noises } reminiscent of steel saucepans, garbage can lids, or a gong, depending } on the size and age of the individual specimen. T. outlandi makes } longer hooting or moaning sounds, often similar to telephone wires } whistling in the wind. } } T. outlandi frequently makes an appearance in burial grounds upon the } demise of persons of certain ethnic groups (owing to Federal } regulations I am not allowed to tell you precisely which ones, sorry } about that) who are members of large families. If you check your local } newspaper's obituary column for the last few days, I'm sure you'll be } able to spot the likely candidates. The Weird Hubbub generally } blossoms quickly, but dies off in a couple of days. Just be glad it's } not an Awful Hubbub (Tumultum horribilis) - they can persist for } months. } } You owe the Oracle 600 square feet of soundproofing material. --- 1237-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHATS NEW IN THIS RELEASE OF THE INTERNET ORACLE (TM)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answers are even more perplexing than before. Specifically, } the tire irons have been painted orange and green, and the } fruit salad has delightful blue specks of ground-up toy Smurfs } folded in throughout. Crunchy, yet satisfying. --- 1237-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [ChibaCity]$ finger oracle@cs.indiana.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Login name: oracle (messages off) In real life: Oracle } Directory: /home/oracle Shell: /usr/local/bin/bash } On since Nov 12 08:46:44 on pts/0 from 127.0.0.1 } 1 minute 0 seconds Idle Time } No unread mail } Plan: } } ###################################### } #### O ############################### Down } #### R ### ###### U S A ########## 1. _____ Most Wise } # Z A D O C ###### T ############# 2. a fell beast } #### C ### ######### E L I Z A #### 3. The 1 Who Made It Happen } # S L E D ######### V ###### R #### 4. hidden or secret } #### E ### C O S M E T I C S # 5. Meat ______, a mortal } ########## ######### K ###### A #### 6. one of Orrie's states } ####### S U P P L I C A N T # 7. go play in the _______ } # I ###### ### U ### N ###### E #### 8. canines } A N T #### K ### P ### Z O T ####### 9. direction sun rises from } # D ############ P ### L ### R ####### 10. something real stupid } # I ### D ###### E ### E ### A ### E # Across } # A ### O ###### T ### R ### F ### A # 1. North of Mexico } # N I G H T ############ F ### S # 2. type of worm } # A ### S ######### T Y P I S T # 3. early AI } ################### V ###### C ####### 4. rosebud } ###################################### } } 5. things Lisa doesn't wear 6. source of questions } 7. type of insect 8. found in rhod } 9. homophone of knight 10. Clinton hired her because } he heard she was a touch _____ } } You owe the Oracle mention in alt.sysadmin.recovery --- 1237-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > X+1=1/X > (X*X)+X=1 > X-1=-X > > For 500 points, which of these statements contradicts the other two? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Solving this problem exemplifies the three R's!!! } } Let's start with a little quickie math analysis: ('Rithmetic) } 1. In the first statement, multiplying both sides by X gives X^2+X=1, } which is the same as the second one. } 2. Solving either of those two statements for X, we get X as about .62 } 3. The third statement would seem to yield X=0.5 } } OK, now for Reading: } "For 500 ponts..."- This seems to mean that the correct answering of } this interrogative statement will gain the asked 500 of some entity } called "points." } "...which of these statements..." It establishes the sentence as an } interrogative one, and asked about what specific one of several } statements satisfies some criteria. } "...contradicts..." Goes against. } "...the other two?" The other two in a group of three. } } The answer seems to be the third choice, but just to make sure, I'll } have to make the answer utterly ambiguous. To do so, I'll invoke the } third R, Riting: } } "The Essential Guide of Shamans" contains the rites that must be } invoked to change around the rules of mathematics. I think that the } best way to do it would be to make about .62 and .5 the same number. } Here goes: } } Hummina! Assume a=b. Wubbidy! So a^2=ab. Sturek! a^2-b^2=ab-b^2. } Veercha! (a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b). Hummina! a+b=b. Yersachen! 2b=b. Floozy! } 2=1. Hichaklioe! 1=0. Volla! .12=0. Vezzachozibliajekomanoscheivira! } .62=.5!!!!! } } The answer: None of the above. You owe the Oracle the point entities. --- 1237-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Are there any humans left in the USA that take responsibility for > their own actions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } **ZOT!** } Oops! I killed the poor supplicant! } Uh... wasn't my fault.