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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1225
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=== 1225 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1225
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2001 08:05:49 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
    1225
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1220  59 votes 8fq91 5cdk9 jm864 48hm8 bcaec ael86 48kl6 5acjd 27ccq 16jlc
1220  3.2 mean  2.7   3.3   2.2   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.3   3.4   3.9   3.6

--- 1225-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The Supplicant is pondering your response.
>
> Expect a resubmission in an hour or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is ignoring your insult.
}
} Expect a non sequitur in a few ounces of orange marmalade.

--- 1225-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Should I stay or should I go now?
>
>  If I stay there will be trouble.
>
>  If I go there will be double.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  [a smoke filled room... The Oracle is on lead guitar and vocals,
}  Lisa has the Bass, Og on Drums... Zadoc is standing dazed, his
}  head covered in bandages, he's holding a tambourine]
}
}  Oracle: One more time, from the top
}
}  A one and A two and A THREE...
}
}  [Oracle's voice attempts to crash thru a wall of sound]
}
}  Should The Supplicant Stay Or Should The Supplicant Go?
}
}  Lisa Darrrrrrling you gotta let me know
}  Should The Supplicant stay? Or should The Supplicant go?
}  The Supplicant says his questions ain't a waste of time
}  The Supplicant'll have to wait in line
}  So Lisa you gotta let know
}  Should The Supplicant stay or should The Supplicant go?
}
}  All these tellmes tellmes tellmes
}  I'm so happy when Zadoc`s on his knees
}  One question is fine, next is a lame hack
}  Resubmit it, send it back
}  Well come on and let me know
}  Should The Supplicant Stay or should The Supplicant go?
}
}  Should The Supplicant stay or should The Supplicant go now?
}  Should The Supplicant stay or should The Supplicant go now?
}  If The Supplicant goes his life will be in a muddle
}  An' if The Supplicant stay's he'll cause a puddle
}  So let'm pee then let me know
}  Should The Supplicant stay or should The Supplicant go now?
}
}  This incarnation's bugging me
}  If you don't want to be me, let me free
}  Exactly who'm I'm supposed to be
}  Don't you know which roles even fit me?
}  Come on and let me know
}  Is The Supplicant cool or does The Supplicant blow?
}
}  [ Crowd goes wild! The band decides to do an encore!!!]
}
}  ORACLE CALLING!!!!
}
}  Oracle calling to the Supplicant clowns
}  Now holy war is declared and bad questions abound
}  Oracle calling to the rhod-world
}  Come on and carnate, all you boys and girls
}  Oracle calling, Supplicants look to us
}  Moaning and whining must bite the dust
}  Oracle calling, see we can do this thing
}  Except for that bloody w**dch**k-ing thing
}
}  The rhod age is coming, the light is dawning
}  Incarnations must insist upon fawning
}  Lame oneliners keep coming but have no fear
}  'Cos the Temple is shining and we are here
}
}  Oracle calling to the Supplicant clones
}  Forget it brother, you cant go it alone
}  Oracle calling to the Incarnations of death
}  Check out the archives before you draw another breath
}  Oracle calling and calling for Zots
}  I saw you having for Lisa the hots
}  Oracle calling, don't look at her thighs
}  Especially you with the Junoesque eyes
}
}  The rhod age is coming, the light is dawning
}  Incarnations must insist upon fawning
}  Lame oneliners keep coming but have no fear
}  'Cos the Temple is shining and we are here
}
}  Oracle calling, I+ve been there too
}  Some responses I get really give me the poo!
}  Oracle calling, smite the Supplicant's head!
}  But how can they grovel if'n they're dead?
}
}  You never felt so much alike, alike, alike.
}
}  Ya owe the Oracle some music that doesn't Clash.

--- 1225-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh most frumptious oracle            what is that little glass disk in
> the wall of our girls locker room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Delouser.  If you take off your clothes and stand in front of it for a
} couple of minutes, it'll rid you of all lice, fleas, ticks, and other
} insect vermin.  (For long-term results, repeat this treatment each
} day.)  Isn't modern medical technology wonderful!  You're lucky to go
} to such a well-equipped school - not everyone has this kind of luxury.
}
} You owe the Oracle a wide-screen TV.

--- 1225-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> --0-294702567-994011474=:44561
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>
> Who was Jack the Ripper?
>
> ---------------------------------
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail - only $35 a year!
> --0-294702567-994011474=:44561
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
>
> <P>Who was Jack the Ripper?</P>
> <hr><b>Do You Yahoo!?</b><br>
> Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail - only $35 a year!
> --0-294702567-994011474=:44561--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dreary foggy night in London, the icy fingers of the dank
} air clawing their way into the very souls of those that were
} foolish enough to venture out. A tall, well dressed man is
} walking down the street. A woman steps from the shadows and
} speaks.
}
} Woman: Oi, aren't you the handsome one.
}
} Man: <P>Do you Yahoo?</P>
}
} Woman: My word, guv' you've got a funny ways of talkin'
}        you has.
}
} Man: <P>Do you Yahoo?</P>
}
} Woman: Luv' if this <P>Yahooing</P> is what you wants I'm
}        your gal.
}
} Man steps forward and brandishes an Ethernet card.
}
} Woman: That thing been scanned for viruses pet?
}
} [ fade to black ]

--- 1225-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Frowning and Judgmental Oracle, you see me even when
>  I cannot see you.  My tether comes loose and I escape
>  into public even when there is nothing to varnish.  All
>  my yesterdays roll on the floor laughing when they
>  think I'm about to try grovelling again.  The inkbolts
>  are especially worrisome today.
>
>  Please send me the recipe for a "word salad".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2 cups active verbs
} 3 tablespoons passive verbs
} 1 pint of concrete nouns
} A cup of adjectives
} Prepositions to taste
}
} Wash the active verbs well.  Choose ones that are nicely developed with
} firm roots.  Interlace with the passive verbs.  Do not use too many as
} this will make the salad mushy and feeble.
}
} Fold in concrete nouns, discarding any that are too old or abstract.
} Season liberally with adjectives and a robust adverb or two.  Add a
} dash of prepositions, but be sure to choose the right ones to
} compliment the meaning of the verbs.
}
} Garnish with interjections and let sit overnight.  It is important to
} let the salad marinate for at least 24 hours before displaying in
} public so that the ideas mingle and that any insipid ones can be
} discarded.

--- 1225-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most literate,
>
> I was recently watching a movie, dubbed from Italian, on TV. Anyway,
> there's a line of dialog that's clearly been altered:
>
> "[Three seconds of beeping] and when you're done, [Three more seconds
> of beeping], so that the little [Yet another three seconds of beeping].
> Do you [beep] understand me, you [Five seconds of beeping]."
>
> My question is, what was the original line of dialog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the immortal work of Alberto-Fredo Albertineotti, the
} master of  Italian Communist Cinema.  It's a work entitled
} "The Power Struggle Of The Classes",  the only surviving copy
} of which is the heavily censored, WWII era print (accidentally
} left in the "archival" bin, instead of the incinerator belt.)
} Luckily, I saw it when it first came out and here's the
} missing dialog:
}
}      FREDO: First, you will get us health plans,
} and when you're done, you'll give each of us a raise
} so that the little Fredo can go to school. Do you
} U-N-D-E-R-S-T-A-N-D understand me, you fat, ignorant,
} selfish, cowardly, bourgeois pig?
}
} The Oracle is pleased with your intellectual
} pursuits. You owe The Oracle an essay on
} keeping your mind free of pollutants.

--- 1225-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, You big Mama Jama, tell me, baby, why I love Funk so much. WHy
> i can't stop rockin to the sounds of the 70's.
>
> *does the Hustle*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Scene; the mean streets of Indiana. Evil cattle lurk near
}   barns painted the color of blood. In the distance combines
}   can be seen in the milo fields. ]
}
}                 "Who is the deity
}       Who risks his dignity to help out humans?
}                     (ORRIE!)
}       Who's the demigod who won't cop out
}          When there's tellmes all about?
}                     (ORRIE!)
}               He's a complicated entity
}        And no one understands him like his woman
}                    (THE ORACLE)
}           They say that cat is as smart as-
}                   (Shut ya mout'!)
}               I'm talkin' 'bout Orrie!
}               (Then we can dig it!!!)"
}
}      "Orrie's 5.0 Score" was the last and most famous of the
}  Oraclexplotaion films. The Orrie films were panned by critics, who
}  later got zotted.  But the public loved the Orrie films. Orrie was
}  a deity's deity.  He had expensive aftertastes and liked to wear
}    flowing robes. He had a swinging bachelor pad in the CS dept.
}  sub-basement of an Indiana University and worked out of an VT100
}  terminal in Times or Helvetica, but his questions often took him
}    into Australia and other backward neighborhoods. Orrie trusts
}  neither supplicants nor incarnations. He's content to be his own
}                             'Yoyo'.
}
}      "Orrie's 5.0 Score" =AND= "Orrie hears a Whodunit" are
}          available now in fine video stores everywhere!

--- 1225-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>     Thag here.
>
>     Thag know that he not wanted at Oracle anymore. Thag just some
>     stupid in-joke. Thag ashamed. Thag lonely.
>
>     Thag also know that he not get any out-placement counciling. No
>     re-training.
>
>     Forget the gold parachute, Thag get *no* parachute. Thag hit
>     ground pretty darn hard.
>
>     What Oracle think about Thag's next career move?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man: Gee, I dunno. It looks nice. But it's so expensive. . .
}
} [ Thag shifts the toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other,
}   as if pondering thunderously the words he has just heard. He looks
}   down at the sleeves on his too tight shimmering blue polyster suit
}   as he stretches out his powerful arms. Behind him bright yellow and
}   faded red and dark blue, plastic triangular banners snap noisily in
}   the breeze. ]
}
} Thag: Thag say, I go talk to Boss Man. Maybe we make deal.
}
} Man: Gosh, could you? This Fnord Humongous is one fine looking SUV.
}
} Thag: Ain't it? Thag be right back.
}
} [ Thag wanders into the dealership office, pours himself a paper
}   cup of thick coffee sludge from the bottom of a grimy, fingerprint
}   covered pot. He gulps it down in one wolfish slurp. ]
}
} Thag: Ack. Taste like ground sloth blood.
}
} [ Thag crushes the paper cup and goes back out to the man who
}   is now sitting behind the wheel of Fnord Humongous. ]
}
} Thag: Boss say, you buy now. Boss give you spiky club and
}       haunch of gazelle.
}
} Man: Huh?
}
} Thag: Take now. Or deal off. Man on phone want buy this baby.
}
} Man: I'll take it.
}
} [ Thag smiles and thinks to himself, "Thank you Orrie, this job
}   too much fun". ]
}
} Man: I just love this car.

--- 1225-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is a duck?
>
> --
> "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an
> invasion,butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet,
> balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take
> orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
> a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal,
> fight efficiently, die gallantly.  Specialization is for insects."-
> Robert A. Heinlein -

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because a duck is able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher
} a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
} accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders,
} give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new
} problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight
} efficiently, die gallantly -AND- has enough sense not to use a huge
} .sig, thank you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a croquet mallard.

--- 1225-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who has nooks and crannies to hold the
> butter, tell me...
>
> What else can I eat for breakfast? I've done
> everything. Cereal. Cream of Wheat. Oatmeal (Irish and
> American). Pancakes (including German
> pfannkuchen, crepes, blini, jonnycakes, and Uncle Buck
> Windowscreen Flapjacks). Waffles. French toast. Toast
> and jam. Muffins and jam. English muffins and jam.
> Biscuits and jam. Biscuits and gravy (sausage, brown,
> and Italian Nonna). Biscuits and gravy with jam. Eggs
> (including illegal sunny-side-up). Omelets of all
> sorts. Bangers and mash. Pie. Cold pizza. Chocolate
> cake. Coffee and doughnuts. Coffee and croissants.
> Coffee and cigarettes (which I hear taste somewhat
> better if you actually smoke them). Coffee and
> espresso (it's called a redeye -- don't ask). Fried
> dough. Churros y chocolate. Bacon. Canadian bacon.
> Irish bacon. Kevin bacon. Ham (Smithfield, Polish,
> Serrano, Prosciutto di Parma, and William Shatner).
> Spam. Sausage. Linguica. Kielbasa. Miso soup. Congee.
> Dates and camel milk. Venezuelan Beaver Cheese on
> matzo. Every morning I try something different and I'm
> sick of it all. What do I have tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Rosie O'Donnell,
}
} I suggest you try huge tubs of walrus blubber.
}
} Your fan,
} Orrie