From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jun 22 21:13:48 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.4/8.11.4/IUCS_2.32) id f5N1XSr22672; Fri, 22 Jun 2001 20:33:28 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 20:33:28 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200106230133.f5N1XSr22672@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1223 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1223 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1223 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 20:33:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1223 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1218 51 votes 14bih 16md9 bbl62 2cgf6 16kg8 3bn77 3akb7 1che7 19el6 67hc9 1218 3.3 mean 3.9 3.5 2.5 3.2 3.5 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.2 --- 1223-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm gay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, you're an easy one Happy. But thinking up inoffensive names } for the rest of the dwarves, er, little people in "Snow White 2001" } isn't going to be at all simple. } } Let's see: Doc can be Spiritual Healer, Grumpy can be Rebellious } Against Oppression, Sleepy is Alternative Ambition. This is hard! } Dopey is... wow, this is a tough one... how about Chemically } Altered? Differently Medicated? We'll come back to that one. } Sneezy is Allergen Sensitive, and Bashful is... hmmm... Bashful is, } uh, Maternally Dominated? } } You owe the Oracle an inoffensive title, because "Snow White" will } get us all hanged. Good luck! --- 1223-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, so dapper and neat, my nose hair is getting > awfully long. What do you recommend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For nose hair extending less than .25" from the nasal orifice, use any } of the following: } } 1. Tweezers; } 2. A battery-powered nose hair trimmer; } 3. An electric razor; and, if you're really courageous, } 4. A twin-blade standard razor or an Xactoknife. You might want } to have medical care standing by. } } For nose hair extending more than .25" but less than 1" from the nasal } orifice, use any of the following: } } 1. A pair of pliers; } 2. An electric-powered, industrial-strength nose hair trimmer; } 3. A pair of electric pinking shears; or, if you're really } courageous, } 4. An electric carving knife. You might want to have an EMT team } standing by. } } For nose hair extending more than 1" from the nasal orifice, use any } of the following: } } 1. A large pair of pliers, a monkey wrench, a torque wrench, and } the late Dale Earnhardt's pit team. I hear they need the work. } 2. You can substitute a tractor pull for #1 if Dale's team has } already found gainful employment. } 3. Tie a rope to the end of your nose hair and tie the other end } to a doorknob attached to an open door. Count to three, slam the door, } and scream. (There is no nose-hair fairy, sorry, you're out of luck.) } 4. A nuclear-powered, 8-cylinder weed-whacker with double } overhead cams, aluminum hemis, and all the trimmings. } 5. Napalm. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Bob Jackson's book "The Complete Guide to } Personal Hygiene" and a cognitive synapse washer. You know the one. } It's made by Mattel so you can tell that it's swell. --- 1223-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Early to bed and early to rise, > Contributes much to an early demise! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you appear to have stumbled upon something very rare; a portion } of the original draft of "Poor Richard's Almanack." It was rejected } because...well, I might as well quote the publisher's rejection } letter. } } SENT VIA Eight-Week Priority Mail } } MESSRS. Smithfield and Fieldfmith } Publifhers Appointed By His Majefty } The King To Publifh Official } Documents, Notices, Pamphlets, } Works of Great Literature, &c. } Located Near the New North Church } Bofton, Maffachuffets } } October the Third, } The Year of Our Lord 1756 } } MR. Benjamin Franklin } 7 Market Street } Philadelphia, Pennfylvania } } Our Dear Mr. Franklin, } } Thank you for fubmitting your Manufcript "Poor Richard's Almanack" to } us. We regret to inform you that it does not meet our Needs at the } Prefent Time. } } While we do believe that fuch an Almanack, giving Information on the } Atlantic Ocean Tides, Phafes of the Moon and other Heavenly Bodies, } as well as Weather Forecafts for the several Colonies, would be met } with much Intereft and General Acclaim among the Publick at Large, we } do not believe that the Publick would be receptive to many of the } Aphorifms, Sayings, and Wife Counfel of Poor Richard that you have } included in your Almanack. They offer Bad Advice, and make the Blood } and the other Humours nervous. Pleafe allow us to quote the worft } Offenders: } } "Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day, unleff you } juft don't feel like it." } } "Dost Thou hate Life? Then feel free to squander Time, for that is } what Life is made of." } } "The early Bird gets the Worm; the late Bird gets the fat and juicy } Beetle that did not emerge from under a rock until the Sun heated the } ground; both Birds will choke on their Meals and die." } } "For want of a Nail, the Shoe was loft; for want of a Shoe, the Horfe } was loft; for want of a Horfe, the Rider was loft; for want of a } Rider, the Battle was loft; for want of a Battle, the Earth was } deftroyed by a Weapon that will be invented in the Future, whose } Terrible Power and Deftruction we cannot comprehend." } } Once again, we offer our most fincere Thanks for fubmitting your } manufcript to us. However, we have juft announced the Publication of } our own Almanack for the coming year 1757, to be given the Title "Sir } or Madam, Would You Kindly Open This Almanack to Difcover and Be } Aftounded by All Sorts of Information, Please?" Therefore, a } refubmittal of your manufcript, with certain Corrections to make the } Tone more Light and lefs depreffing, fhall not be welcomed. May we } fuggeft that you publifh fuch a Volume by yourfelf? } } We remain Moft Sincerely Yours, } JOS. A. SMITHFIELD and } GEO. J. FIELDSMITH, Publishers --- 1223-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Scene: The Terminal Room. The air conditioning is fighting dozens of > humming, lazily swapping UNIX workstations, X terminals, and assorted > PC hardware, as well as the hot, faintly sulfurous breeze squeezing > through under the door. One of the fluorescent ceiling lights is > flickering intermittently. > > In one corner, sitting at an ancient Sparcstation, we see RICHARD > FEYNMAN. He types furiously for a moment and then leans back, grinning > at the screen. The camera pans to the right, passing over displays > on which xterm's, XEngines, Games of Life, Emacsen, XPilots, xrn's, > XTanks, Dooms, and intricate xscreensavers are running. > > In the opposite corner of the room, we see BARNEY THE DINOSAUR, > puzzling over a Microsoft Windows box running Eudora. > > BARNEY: Richard? Do you have a moment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FEYNMAN shuffles over to where the Purple One stands. } } BARNEY: Look at this question from SCOOBY-DOO. } } FEYNMAN stares at the screen for a while, moving his lips slowly. } } BARNEY: Oh here, I'll read it to you, "Why can't we write the entire } 24 volumes of the Encyclopedia Brittanica on the head of a } pin? } } FEYNMAN [points at the screen]: Pretty colors. } } BARNEY: Yes, they are. Look sorry I mentioned it. Why don't you } finish mopping the floor? Then we can can go home. } } FEYNMAN: Will there be rabbits? } } BARNEY: Yeah, yeah lots and lots of rabbits. HEY! What's that } in your hand? Are you taking the balls out of the mice } again? } } FEYNMAN: I done a bad thing. } } ==================================================== } == "Of Mice and Feynman" will continue after == } == this message from our sponsor. == } ==================================================== --- 1223-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most tidy, > > Should I hire a maid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's a quick quiz to help you decide whether you need a maid. Choose } the answers that describe your house the best: } } Kitchen Sink: } A. It is empty, and sterilized with full strength bleach. } B. My coffee cup (rinsed) is in the sink. } C. Last night's dinner dishes are in the sink. } D. Last year's dinner dishes are in the sink. } } Refrigerator: } A. Empty, except for 2 bottles of spring water and a container of } yogurt } B. Usual assortment of foods, mostly fresh. No empty jars. } C. Some of the veggies are little suspicious looking. } D. Some of the veggies have developed teeth, and my cat is missing. } } Floors: } A. Vacuumed and swept daily. } B. Vacuumed and swept weekly. } C. Vacuumed and swept monthly. } D. Several archeological digs in progress. } } Laundry: } A. Is done daily } B. Is done weekly } C. Is done when the closets and clothes drawers are empty } D. Eventually crawls away on its own, and then I go shopping. } } Furniture is dusted: } A. Every day, using cleansers and polish and imported feather dusters } B. Once a week, with whatever rag I can find. } C. Whenever I can write my name on it, with my shirt sleeve. } D. When plants start to grow on it, with a trowel. } } Scoring: Give yourself 0 points for every A answer, 1 point for B, 2 } for C, and 3 for D. } Add 150 points if anything scurried across your screen while you were } reading this. } } 0 - 3: You're Martha Stewart, and you make the rest of us look bad. } Go away. } 4 - 7: You don't really need a maid. Hire a masseuse instead. } 8 - 11: Yeah, you need a maid. } 12 - 15: You don't need a maid, you need a disaster recovery plan and } a backhoe. } 15 - : The National Guard and the EPA have been notified. } } You owe the Oracle a way to remove 5-month-old toxic hummus from a } refrigerator without actually touching the container. --- 1223-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is everyone else's growing, yet mine stays small? > > ___________________________________________________________________ > Join the Space Program: Get FREE E-mail at http://www.space.com. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you gone on vacation recently, especially for a long time? } That might be it. You see... well... } } When you leave yours alone for a while, you HAVE to either get someone } to take care of it, or leave it somewhere where it'll be taken care } of for you. You can't just leave it and expect that it'll grow and } stay nice and long. It needs to be exercised (though some people don't } believe in that) or it'll just lie there doing nothing when it's most } inconvenien-- especially when people are watching. It might even just } shrivel up and die on you... PLEASE don't let that happen! } } So, the next time you go on vacation, please don't ignore it! } Pay attention to your cat, feed it and nurture it, and it'll grow } just like everybody else's. } } You owe the Oracle one nice pussy in exchange for this information. --- 1223-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Forgetful Oracle, you didn't remember the question I > asked you. By the time you got to the end of your > answer, you were off on some different subject. I'm > not complaining, of course, because I learn something > new from you every time. What concerns me is your > long-term health. How can you continue to be the World's > Most Omniscient Internet Oracle if you start forgetting > things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your concern is noted and appreciated. However, I did not forget; in } my omniscience I decided that you did not need an answer to your } question, but rather you needed the information that I imparted to you. } After all, one who knows everything obviously knows better than you } what you need. Like I was telling Lisa the other day, when she said } she had a headache, which I followed by explaining that I already knew } that, I was suggesting enordphin-raising activities to mitigate her } headache. She threw a pot at me, but I dodged it easily, because I } already knew she was going to throw it at me. It's just one of those } things. } } So, in conclusion, an average woodchuck could chuck 1.534 pounds of } maple toothpicks per minute, for a total time of 123 minutes a day, for } an average of 68,916.1005 lbs/year, assuming no time off for weekends } and vacations. --- 1223-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can a nation ever have too many drunken bears?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I would've said yes, but every night for a week my grandmother } has put on her full-length fur coat and dabbed honey in her cleavage } before going out. --- 1223-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Why does an influx of work always come my way at 4.55pm each day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bob, you've been the parking lot attendant there in that building } for 23 years now. } } } } The other people are going home. } } You owe the Oracle a validated ticket. --- 1223-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to supply an example of the nihilist > philosophy for class. I think that it says > that nothing exists. Can you please tell me > one of those things that doesn't exist, so I > can present it as an example? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooh boy, it's a good thing you asked me about this, because you heard } the assignment wrong. You're actually supposed to come up with an } example of the *annihilist* philosophy. } } The annihilist philosophy is based on three tenets: } } 1. Nothing worthwhile exists. } } 2. Nobody who disagrees with me is worthwhile. } } 3. Nothing that isn't worthwhile deserves to exist. } } Now that I've got you off on the right foot, I'm sure you'll have no } trouble coming up with a fine example of annihilism. Something that'll } really put a bang into your presentation. } } You owe the Oracle some chromic oxide and aluminum powder.