From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 5 15:23:05 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.30) id OAA22623; Mon, 5 Mar 2001 14:46:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 14:46:25 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200103051946.OAA22623@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1209 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1209 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1209 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 14:46:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1209 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1204 67 votes 7cjja 29tm5 75hoe 3eok6 9tl80 9erb6 7csg4 c9mg8 76kld 3axd8 1204 3.1 mean 3.2 3.3 3.5 3.2 2.4 2.9 3.0 3.0 3.4 3.2 --- 1209-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > How do I get this boa constrictor off my leg? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Crikey! Don't move, mate! That's no ordinary snake! That's the } dreaded Redmond Microsoft Constrictor, the most fearsome and } tenacious of all snakes! See how it reacts when I try to remove it? } Make even the smallest motion to dislodge it and spits a vile and } nasty lawsuit at me. Crikey! One wrong move and my whole } company is bankrupt! Too right! } } Not to worry, mate. This sack is full of harmless Linux Pythons. } Redmond Constrictors absolutely hate these little fellas. Now, I'm } going to let the Linux Snake wrap itself around this small tree. It's } only a matter of time before the Redmond sees it and -- crikey! } There he goes! Look how fast he's let go of your leg and raced } over to the tree. } } The Redmond Constrictor is furious!. He'll spend the rest of the } afternoon explaining to the tree why that Linux Python is up to no } good. He's spewing all kinds of poisonous fear, uncertainty, and } doubt at the Linux Python -- crikey! -- but our little Linux friend is } unaffected, and soon enough the Redmond will slither off, convinced } he's still the king of the jungle. } } Whew! That was a close one, mate! You owe the Oracle a better } way to represent an Australian accent in text. --- 1209-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, unrivalled master of antediluvian logic and the professional > unicycle, pray pause your pedalling and pedantry while a humble > supplicant peddles his pedestrian poser: > > Whyfore art thou? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shall I compare me to a summer's day? } I am more lovely and more omniscient. } Rough words do flame the bumbling fools of Mail, } And young attention hath all too short a span. } Sometimes too hot the Staff of Zot doth fire, } And often are the slower supplicants burned; } And every wit from wit sometimes declines, } when drunk or when by woodchucking concerned. } But my eternal knowledge shall not fade, } Nor lose demands for that tribute thou owest; } Nor shall RHOD brag I post there in cascade, } When in eternal posts it seems they growest; } So long as supplicants do question me, } So long live I to write answers to thee. } } You owe the Oracle a rendition of "My Priesthood's Eyes". --- 1209-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Who Owns The Jesus Property? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do. No houses yet, but I also have the Jehovah Property and the Holy } Ghost Property, so that doubles the rent. So you owe the Oracle $44. } That was doubles, so roll again. --- 1209-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > High Greetings, O Splendiferous Seer of Silly Soothsayings! > > We are writing to inform you that your Word for the Day is > 'Vacublurt.' > > We believe it may be useful during spring cleaning. Please treat > it with care, however, as we also have reason to believe it may be > somewhat unstable above room temperature. > > Thank you for your time. > > [The Management of MerryHam and WebSpinners] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I } From an over filled queue, } The question that I get } Is one about a VacuBlurt. } } II } I was of three minds, } Like an email } In which there are three VacuBlurts. } } III } The VacuBlurt whirled in the winter winds. } It was a small part of the queue. } } IV } A Supplicant and an Incarnation } Are one. } A Supplicant and an Incarnation and a VacuBlurt } Are one. } } V } I do not know which to prefer, } The beauty of long winded answers } Or the beauty of snappy comebacks, } The VacuBlurt whistling } Or just after. } } VI } Injokes filled the long answer } With references past. } The shadow of the VacuBlurt } Crossed it, to and fro. } The mood } Traced in the question } An indecipherable woodchuck. } } VII } O thin men of RHOD, } Why do you imagine herpes squid? } Do you not see how the VacuBlurt } Walks around the feet } Of the women about you? } } VIII } I know noble accents } And lunatic, indescribable rhythms; } But I know, too, } That the VacuBlurt is involved } In what I know. } } IX } When the VacuBlurt flew out of sight, } It marked the edge } Of one of many routers. } } X } At the sight of VacuBlurts } Arriving in the inbox } Even the bawds of the Temple } Would cry out sharply. } } XI } He wrote, over corrected } and was not digested. } Once, a fear pierced him, } In that he mistook } The selections of the Priests } For VacuBlurts. } } XII } The queue is moving. } The VacuBlurt must be going. } } XIII } It was evening all afternoon. } The humor was lame } And it was going to be lame. } The VacuBlurt sat } In the question queue. } } The Oracle owes Wallace Stevens an apology. --- 1209-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Priests Note: Dated approx 5 hours after the quake] > > Help! Oh great one! My house is a mess, there's stuff falling off the > shelves and dropping off of tables. Was that an earthquake or are those > Starbucks people up to something shady?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's role reversal on a grand scale. Los Angeles has had more rain } since Jan. 1st, 2001 than Seattle, and now Seattle is having earth- } quakes. Next Jay Leno will relocate to the Northwest and Bill Gates } will move to Southern California, both regions thinking they got } the short end of the stick on that one. } } You owe the Oracle a volcano. --- 1209-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Internet Oracle, whose musings I am not fit to contemplate; even > on a good day... > > How many owls could a spotted owl spot if a spotted owl could spot > owls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who many. --- 1209-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most Grand (MGM and otherwise), who has his finger on the > pulse of Hollywood: > > I seem to have lost my copy of "Nightmare on Sesame Street". Could you > provide a recap for me please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ernie: Hey Bert! Did you hear? Snuffleupagus was found } disemboweled in his bed this morning! } } Bert: Wow! First Elmo is found with crayons blocking every } orifice and now this! What is going on? } } Ernie: And, Bert, you want to hear something weirder? I was } talking with Maria and she told me that she had dreamed } about Elmo and Snuff the nights before they died... } } Wait, wait, wait... } } You know what? I can't do this. I know you are expecting a } big Nightmare on Elm Street parody, but I just can't do it. } } I am starting to get a little concerned about you supplicants. } The quality of your work is really slipping. You think that } "Nightmare on Sesame Street" hasn't been done to death? You } think its original? Well its not. } } I am getting the impression that you supplicants think that the } only party accountable for quality work in this arrangement is } me. If I slack just one bit, BAM!, you cretins are all over me, } complaining. But you can merrily clog the queues with null } questions and the current favorite, "All your [insert your favorite } noun of choice here] are belong to us." } } Are you simply forgetting who you are dealing with? Have I } become a joke to you? Might I remind you that I am OMNISCIENT? } I can provide answers illuminating the mysteries of the universe if } only you ask the right questions. I can provide knowledge and } wisdom to improve your lives and elevate you beyond your dreams. } } And you do pursue this? Of course not. You are more interested in } ass lint, Star Wars, and the size of Lisa's boobs. WHY do I bother? } Its not like you pay attention to anything I say. How many of you } do I have to turn into crumbly little nuggets before you let go } of the whole woodchuck thing? DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA JUST } HOW TIRED I AM OF EFFING WOODCHUCKS?!? DO YOU COMPREHEND JUST } HOW ANNOYING SOMETHING HAS TO BE TO REALLY PISS OFF AN IMMORTAL? } DO YOU?? DO YOU??!!! } } YOU PISSANT LITTLE MORTALS MAKE ME SO MAD I COULD JUST... *ZOT* } } Dammit. } } ZADOC! Bring me a clean toga! And a can of air freshener. One } of the BIG ones. Might as well bring the bucket to clean up while } you are at it. } } You owe the Oracle the phone number of a good stress management clinic. --- 1209-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most intelligent, > Is it possible for an IQ test to distinguish degrees of > intelligence higher than that of the people who made the test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh yes, tools of measurements often far exceed the capacities of their } creators. for example the Oracle knows for a fact that Lord Kelvin } wasn't really all that cool. } } You owe the Oracle an average blue sky. --- 1209-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > what is my destiny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: No, who is your destiny, what is your past. } } Zadoc: Who's? } } Oracle: Her's that's who. } } [Oracle and Zadoc both don baseball caps and pull up a pair of } stools to sit on.] } } Zadoc: Who? } Orrie: Yes. And what is the past. } Zadoc: Who's? } Orrie: Hers. } Zadoc: Why? } Orrie: He's not involved he's on vacation. } Zadoc: Where? } Orrie: Where -is- involved, but only parenthetically. } Zadoc: What? } Orrie: No, where. } Zadoc: Who? } Orrie: Right! } Zadoc: Okay, but I don't see why. } Orrie: Because he's not here. He's on vacation. } Zadoc: WHO?! } Orrie: Why. } Zadoc: Because I want to know. } Orrie: What. } Zadoc: I give up, just zot me now. } } < zot > } } [Oracle gets up from stool and bows, flourishing his ball cap, } as Zadoc writhes on the floor in pain.] --- 1209-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that cats always land on their feet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... } } *THUMP!* } } *OWWWWWWWW!* } } Sometimes they land on mine. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of antiseptic.