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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1208
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=== 1208 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1208
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 2001 21:07:52 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    1208
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1203  62 votes 6doe5 5cqc7 6ene5 8chg9 3bvd4 8aih9 dof91 9eci9 3efka 5amg9
1203  3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.1   2.4   3.1   3.3   3.2

--- 1208-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We give thanks to you Wise Oracle! Every soul and heart is lifted
> up to your undisturbed name! The Oracle's fatherly teachings there
> are sweet and plain, giving us mind, speech, and knowledge: so that
> we may understand a bit, a glimpse of the world around us!
>
> Can one work-out too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it is never possible to work out too much -- providing one has
} adequately defined the term "work out".
}
} For example, if one is a computer programmer, then "work out" should
} be defined as "lifting containers of highly caffeinated beverages to
} one's lips."
}
} If one is a politician, than "work out" should be defined as "slamming
} one's own head in a very heavy door repeatedly".
}
} And if one is an attractive young woman, then it should be defined as
} "having carnal relations with the Internet Oracle".  *Definitely*
} can't do *that* too much.
}
} You owe the Oracle an exercise in semantics.

--- 1208-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Grand Oracle, once more could you obtain hidden knowledge by
>  interpreting the signs and omens for us? Please Wise One, I
>  beg you,
>
>  Why do teenagers wear those weird clothes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Teenagers wear clothes?
}
}    Damn, I gotta get out of Olympus more. I thought it was only us
}    wrinkly, flabby elders that wore clothes. Pert and buff teens should
}    be naked, as God intended them. The Olympics were originally
}    performed in the raw, y'know - which explains why *we* never had
}    problems with endorsements for athletic gear.

--- 1208-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Can you tell me whether it is morally correct and spiritually
> rewarding to tell  truth even if it hurts another?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This depends. If the "another" in question is male, you should be
} direct and honest with them, for this is morally correct. If they
} are female, then under no circumstances should you tell them the
} direct truth. For example:
}
} SHE SAYS: "What would you do if I died?"
} YOU SAY: "I would hurl myself from a cliff unable to live without you."
} YOU DO NOT SAY: "Take a crack at that cute chick from the service
}   station."
}
} SHE SAYS: "Do I look fat in this?"
} YOU SAY: "No, of course not, you can never look fat."
} YOU DO NOT SAY: "I've seen fatter, and it looks okay on you."
}
} SHE SAYS: "What are you thinking?"
} YOU SAY: "How fortunate I am to have found you, my love."
} YOU DO NOT SAY: "Have Pamela Anderson's hooters gotten bigger?"
}
} SHE SAYS: "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
} YOU SAY: "No way. She's okay, but she's nowhere near your level."
} YOU DO NOT SAY: "Yes, but you're the sort I'm comfortable in dating."
}
} I hope that helps. Trust me, domestic harmony and  not sleeping on the
} sofa beats moral correctness and spiritual rewards every time.

--- 1208-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> How does Truth differ from Beauty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me put it this way, Supplicant:  there is a reason politicians are
} both ugly and liars.

--- 1208-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, may your power shine brightly forever, to the shame of
> the California power grid!
>
> Why is it that people all over the country suddenly think they know how
> to produce and measure electricity? The stupidity in California is just
> the most notable example - I have politicians trying to tell me how to
> build an electricity meter now.
>
> Electricity used to carry the same stature as rocket science. Now
> everybody thinks it can be made by the legislature. What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two words: Schoolhouse Rock.
}
} Remember those little interstitial cartoons from the early '70s?  The
} ones that insured that no American between the ages of 20 and 40 could
} read the Constitution without humming a folk ditty to the preamble?
}
} Well, this grand experiment in education backfired.  Now we have
} senators thinking that since they can hum the E-Lec-Tri-City song they
} have the same intellectual grasp of the technology as a full-fledged
} Ph.D.
}
} Pity "Economics Rock" only appeared in the late '90s....
}
} You owe the Oracle some background vocals to "Deregulation: it makes
} America stop!"

--- 1208-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> All your queue are belong to us!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: February 16, 2001
}
} It was a dark night in the office.  Only a single light shown upon the
} drawn face of Sybil, the countenance of Pythia, and the total absence
} of Cassie.  Sybil pointed at a well-used piece of paper in front of
} her, and said, for what was apparently the hundredth time, "We can't
} claim that as an expense!"
}
} "Sure we can, Syb.  Business write-offs are like rabbits; you come up
} with one, you're sure to find at least ten more buried in hard-to-reach
} areas.  Besides, that .44 came in damn handy when I was in a tough spot
} in Siberia."
}
} "In a completely different fiscal year."
}
} "Well, yeah.  But benefits are benefits."
}
} "What about the massage?  Or the seven gallons of pure hydrogenated
} body oil?  Or the seven-week stay in three of Hong Kong's more
} expensive hotels?"
}
} "What? I needed to relax!"
}
} "But we can't claim those as tax write-offs.  The IRS will have our
} hide."
}
} "Bah, the IRS.  I could fight them off with both my hands tied behind
} my back, and enjoy the experience."
}
} "If we submit this tax form the way you want us to, that may become a
} very real option."
}
} "Trust me, Syb.  I've been filing taxes long before I joined up with
} Delphic Research.  I know how to avoid an audit.  In all this time,
} have I ever lead you wrong?"
}
} "Do sentient weasels ring a bell?"
}
} "Oh, we needed to get the place fumigated anyway."
}
} "Okay, have it your way.  But if the IRS come knocking on our door, I'm
} pointing them in your direction."
} -----------
}
} Date: April 16, 2001
}
} *KNOCK*KNOCK*
}
} "Hello?  Miss Stodge?"
}
} "It's ... oh, bloody hell, forget it.  May I help you?"
}
} "From the IRS I am, miss.  Speak with may I you?"
}
} "Our field agent, Pythia DiStephano, handles all our tax needs.  Step
} right this way.  Oh, Pythia..."
}
} "Yeah, Syb?"
}
} "This man wants to speak with you.  From the IRS."
}
} "Oh.  Dear."
}
} "Hello, Miss.  Afraid don't be, please if you.  Answer questions would
} like if you could."
}
} "Er, sure.  What's your name?"
}
} "Mr Cant.  Questions about form taxes do I have."
}
} "Of course, Mr Cant.  I'd be more than happy to go over any of the
} problems you might--"
}
} "Audit this concluded, it is."
}
} "I beg your pardon?  But you haven't even--"
}
} "Office one look did I have to see.  State of plight obvious financial,
} me to."
}
} "Really."
}
} "Reclaim possessions, we will.  Post-haste collection will I agency to
} you."
}
} "Not if I can help it."
}
} "Use to point gun no.  All your queue are belong to us."
}
} "I'm afraid not.  This is our livelihood."
}
} "Useless resistance is."
}
} "Alright, that's it.  It's only the sixteenth; there's no way in hell
} the IRS would have processed our tax forms that quickly.  Who are you,
} and who are you working for?"
}
} "Revenue Internal--"
}
} "Enough double-speak, Yoda-boy.  I can shoot the eye out of a flea off
} a dog's back at fifty paces, and right now it's aimed right between
} your eyes.  I'll promise to aim for the one of the pre-frontal lobes so
} death'll be quick, if you don't start talking."
}
} "Wouldn't you!"
}
} "Oh, I would.  Answer me."
}
} "Great and all-powerful is he.  Not like if speak do I.  Master he is
} of queue.  Removed scene you from the does he want."
}
} "The Oracle's behind this?"
}
} "Indeed."
}
} "I don't believe you."
}
} "Incarnations has he.  Several you dislike they do.  Removal a pity,
} but done can be nothing."
}
} "Made up of many, is he?  Dammit, now you've got me doing it!"
}
} "And divided is he.  Like you do some of him, others not.  But will the
} of many outnumber will the of few.  Rules majority."
}
} "I want names."
}
} "Names I have.  Price I want, and safet--"
}
} <ZOT>
}
} "Dammit!  Hey, Sybil, where do we keep the burn-removal chemicals?
} We've got another failed Orrie agent here!"
}
} You owe the DRI $35,000 in clean-up costs.

--- 1208-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> To be or not to be...
> Well there aren't very many other choices, are there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO, NO, NO, Zadoc, the catalog must look something like that.
}
} 1) Second-hand reincarnations: for the soul with the small karma purse.
}
} 2) Paradise DeLuxe: Couples get an apple tree FREE!!!
}
} 3) Nirvana: Similar to your choice of not to be, but comes with full
}             philosophical justification.
}
} 4) Restart your life: Unfortunately, as yet only the demo version
}                       exists. Free while dying.
}
} 5) Become an Oracle Priest: FREE, NO CATCH, geez, these flies get
}                             everywhere, don't they ..
}
} !!NEW!!! Be reborn as the first artificial intelligence !!!NEW!!
}
} MANY more choices including ghosts, abducting aliens, seafoam, ...
}
} Zadoc, you owe the Oracle another second of eternity in servitude.

--- 1208-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Are prison inmates allowed to use cell phones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if they've been charged with battery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a salted peanut.

--- 1208-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Sagacious Oracle values merrymaking, revelry and social gaiety
> please read my question with undue diligence! Oh Unbegotten First
> Existent One! You are wise, yes wise indeed. The Oracle is ever full
> of imperishableness and ineffable joycle and clever insights. Praise
> his middle name and stand in awe of his shadowy being.
>
> How does the minute of one's birth differ from the minute of one's
> death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think this calls for one of those handy-dandy ASCII charts we love so
} much (set your text to stun^Wmonospaced):
}
}               Birth              |              Death
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
} Shoved out of a warm comfortable | Shoved into the path of a freight
} environment.                     | train.
}                                  |
} Smacked by the hand of the       | Smacked by at least twelve metric
} attending physician.             | tons of metal.
}                                  |
} Wailing and crying; general      | Blissful release -- once you get
} bedlam.                          | over the pain of dying, that is.
}                                  |
} Given to the arms and care of    | Given to the care of whatever god you
} your parents.                    | believe in.  If you do not believe in
}                                  | a god, one will be provided for you.
}                                  |
} Given a name.                    | Name taken from you.
}                                  |
} Footprint taken so they can      | Have to rely on dental records
} identify you.                    | instead, with what's left of the
}                                  | remains.
}                                  |
} Small mention of this event in   | Possible Darwin Award; event is
} the newspapers.                  | discussed at some length.
} -----------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Of course, this is just -your- death, but I'm pretty sure that's all
} that really concerned you anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise not to make any long-term plans.  You
} won't need them.

--- 1208-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <bright.red.fish@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> [Stomp stomp thomp stomp stomp thomp]
> Boy, your a man young man
> Gonna take on the digests some day
> You got jokes on your face
> Your big disgrace
> Is draining the queue all over the place
>
> Singin'
> We will
> We will
> Mock you
>
> Singin'
> We will
> We will
> Mock you
>
> [Cue Electric Guitar solo.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've made my selection
} Time after time
} A witty question
} An answer in rhyme
} And lousy digests
} We've made a few
} But sometimes we get
} Nothing but crap
} What else can we do
}
} And we mean to go on and on and on and on
}
} We are the priesthood - my friends
} And we'll keep digesting
} Till the end
} We are the priesthood
} We are the priesthood
} No time for in-jokes
} 'Cause we are the priesthood of the Queue