From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 2 17:19:22 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id QAA28235; Tue, 2 Jan 2001 16:54:07 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 16:54:07 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200101022154.QAA28235@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1198 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1198 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1198 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 2 Jan 2001 16:54:07 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1198 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1193 64 votes 8jgg5 egla3 4cmk6 bqi54 dkh86 7glg4 emp30 imf54 4cni7 8glc7 1193 2.7 mean 2.9 2.6 3.2 2.5 2.6 2.9 2.3 2.3 3.2 2.9 --- 1198-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most Magnificent and Wonderous of beings, > O Ponderous Possessor of Wisdom! I am but the lowliest of > worms next to thee, Esteemed Answerer of Questions, and I > grovel before you in the hopes that you might deign to > give meaning to my life by giving me the solution to my > most unworthy problem... > > You see, O Radiant Oracularness, I can't figure out what > to do with my life. Should I go to college and try to > progress with the company I work for now, or try my hand > at writing a novel? > > I remain your humble servant... > > N And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Noffras, I see Z has you doubting your chosen occupation once } again. Ok, hold on a second. I believe that Zadoc still has a film } from his college days that might come in handy... now... where is } it?.... aha! Here we go. Hey Og, dim the lights while you're over } there. Ah, there's a good troglodyte. } } } } Narrator: So, you're undecided about your future? A short film on the } subject of the future. Copyright 1954, MacMitchell Loughlin Hogan } Films Incorporated. Projectionist, please forward the slide whenever } you hear this sound: } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Please forward to the first slide now. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: So, you're undecided about your future. Well, you're not } alone! Ha ha. And to prove it to you, we have four young college } fellows who are also undecided. Each will follow one of four of the } most popular career choices. We'll see how they do in the beginning, } highpoint, and end of their chosen careers. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Tim has chosen the career of "Dark Mage of Satan." The } beginning of his career will be spent travelling through arcane } libraries around the world, researching long-forgotten tomes by the } likes of Alistaire Crowley and the Mad Arab. Thankless, tireless, and } friendless he spounds hours reading mind-maddenning materials not fit } for mere mortals. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Jack has chosen an office career. He'll spend many thankless } hours working in the computer lab, the radio station, or the lunchroom } of his chosen college just to make ends meet while he finishes his } degree. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Paul has chosen the career of Novelist. His early career } will be spent leeching off his parents and girlfriends in order to } keep from starving to death. Eventually, he'll be forced to prostitute } his art by writing pieces like, "How I Overcame the Shame of Gout" for } third-rate magazines. Paul will lose 20 pounds in his first year after } highschool due to malnutrition. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Kevin has chosen a career as a male prostitute. He'll spend } his early days working out at the local gym and making minimum wage at } an upscale men's clothing store so he can use his employee discount to } improve his wardrobe. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Now we come to the middle of their careers. Here we see Tim. } Tim has several minions working beneath him, and a laboratory stocked } with all manner of chemical tool and misshapen hell-spawn. But, Tim is } poor, and must have his minions steal the things he needs from the } University and rob tourists so that he can pay the rent on his castle. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Here we see Jack. Jack has reached the level of "middle } management." His workload has decreased to the point where he's just } stamping and signing papers all day. Jack has an ulcer. Jack has a } secretary who hates his guts. Jack is also going through a divorce } because he's forced to work late hours to cover the car and mortgage. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: And here is Paul. At 28, Paul wrote his first successful } novel. He sold the movie rights and is now living the high, Hollywood } lifestyle. He has a beautiful girlfriend, a porsche, and a pair of } glasses that cost more than most people make in a year. Paul is living } the good life. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: And here we see Kevin. Kevin has a regular clientele, spends } his nights at posh, exclusive parties, hobnobs with celebrities, and } does enough coke to kill a rhino. Kevin looks better than you. Kevin } makes three grand an hour and five on weekends. Kevin is dating a } high-powered Wall Street broker. Kevin drives a six-hundred-thousand } dollar sports car from Italy. Kevin wears tampons and has sex with } sixty year-old widows in limosines in exchange for fancy jewelry and } houses in Malibu. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: And what of the end of their careers? Tim opened a portal to } the Outer Realms and now spends his days being tortured by beings that } can't be described in mortal terms. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Jack retired with a nice, nickel-plated watch and spent the } next six months watching M*A*S*H reruns before dying of a heart } attack. It took four days for anyone to notice he was missing. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: Paul published several more books, each more successful than } the last, before a batch of bad dust caused him to suffer an aneurism } and die at age 33. No less than fifteen women are suing his estate, } claiming he fathered their children. The latest film adaptation of one } of his novels starred Kevin Costner, effectively eliminating any } possibility of further films. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: And here we see Kevin lying in a dumpster behind a Los } Angeles "Jack-in-the-Box." Kevin was beaten to death by a John, robbed } of his money and jewelry, and left to die. Kevin got off easy, since } he had recently contracted no less than four seperate diseases, and } would have spent his remaining days in a hospital ward slowly rotting } away. } } Sound: BEEP! } } Narrator: So you see, young people, the clear answer is suicide. This } has been a production of MacMitchell Loughlin Hogan Films } Incorporated. } } } There, N. Doesn't that make you feel better? } } You owe the Oracle your Doom. --- 1198-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, master of the pen, mightier than the > sword, whose able, amazing alliteration astounds, please tell me... > > I'm reading Poe's "The Masque of the Red Death" and all I can think is > the commercials for "Red Death" cookies that they would show during a > movie version of it. So I'm wondering, what would Poe be like if he > didn't get rabies and croak? Would he be a sellout? Would he be > writing for Fox? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LOS ANGELES -- At an unusual press conference yesterday, the head of } the WB emerged from a mist-filled coffin to announce the network's fall } line-up. } } "Who would have thought that a cloned sheep could eventually lead to } such miracles?" WB's CEO, Vultango Aspartame said. "Through the wonders } of modern science, we have cloned Edgar Allen Poe from one hair } maintained in a library in Zurich." } } The project was not without its problems, Aspartame conceded. } } "We had to update him on the entire 20th century. You should have seen } his face when I tried to describe a rave. He was a little confused } about scripting styles -- and the whole concept of television, to be } truthful -- but it worked out. Eddie has chops," he said. } } Aspartame and the WB are placing most of their hopes on Sunday night's } "Murders on the Rue Morgue." Starring Pythia Citrate, Sybil Fructose } and Cassie Drink-By-Date-On-Bottle, the series promises to be a murder } mystery show with a twist. } } "A trio of young women, members of Delphi Research Inc., wear skimpy } clothing and solve mysteries. At the close of each show, they are then } ripped apart by apes," Aspartame said. "It sounds strange, but it } tested really well in Indiana. Eddie assures us he can keep it fresh." } } Serving as the other kingpin in the network's line-up is "The Raven," a } Tuesday night comedy series about a boy and his bird, starring Kendai } Zorks as the boy and Jon Lovitz as the voice of the raven. } } Other fall offerings on the WB include "The Cask of Amontillado," an } unusual game show hosted by Grace Jones, where celebrity guests have 10 } minutes to persuade Jones not to wall them up in a dungeon. The first } week's guests are Kathie Lee Gifford, John Tesh and Tori Spelling. } } The WB's answer to "Survivor" will be "Ms. in a Bottle," where seven } attractive guests with no maritime experience and no modern } navigational equipment are set adrift in the ocean. The one who lasts } longest gets to write their story for possible post-mortem publication. } } "You'd be surprised how many audition tapes we've received," Aspartame } said. "They're mainly coming in from people who don't have much to live } for anyway and figure, 'Hey, at least my family can get rich off the } movie rights.' It worked for the 'The Perfect Storm,' right?" } } Completing the fall line-up will be "Anabelle Lee," about a young, } attractive necrophiliac, starring Diabalo Sioux; "The Black Cat Files," } the network's answer to a certain FOX series, starring Cheyenne } Piercing and Van Dingo as young, attractive government operatives on } the trail of a mysterious mewing noise; and "The Pit and the Pendulum," } a night-time soap opera starring Thera Lamb, Voss Dogpaddle and Stirk } Eukanuba as members of the Pendulum family, owners of a lucrative } silver mine. } } "We're very excited," Aspartame said. "The quality of these shows is } boggling. Eddie's mind never quits. He's got seven other shows in } development, and a mini-series, 'Rolling' is being shot as we speak." } } Aspartame was mum on the subject of the mini-series, although he did } hint that it was a new direction for the darkly inclined author. } } "Eddie wrote this one after what we call his lost weekend. He wouldn't } tell us where he'd been, but he came back wearing baggy pants and } waving lightsticks around, and he kept kissing everybody. What he came } up with after that, you'll have to see to believe," he said. } } You owe the Oracle a list of titles from the new collection, "Poe on } Ectasy." --- 1198-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does white chocolate have caffeine in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are thinking of Green Chocolate, which is made without any } ingredients that might harm anyone or anything. There is no fat, no } sugar, no caffeine, no theobromin, no animal products, nothing } artificial, no dead trees (not even in the wrapper), and it was not } tested on anything that could possibly be damaged. Did I mention the } flavour? } } You owe the Oracle 50 pounds of Merckens Yucatan. See } http://www.bakerscandc.com/chocolate01.htm --- 1198-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > here> > open-ended enough to let your imagination run wild here> > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } --- 1198-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why do chickens spend so much time studying detailed maps of Area 51 ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The challenge. Area 51 remains to this day one of the hardest } things to get to the other side of. } } You owe the Oracle a lost highway. --- 1198-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Squadron leader. Come in, squadron leader. Squadron leader? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The squadron leader puts down his ancient copy of National } Geographic and stands to follow the nurse. ] } } Nurse: You can take that with you if you want, to read as } you wait in the waiting room. } } Leader: I just got done waiting for 40 minutes in the lobby and } now you're telling me I'm going to a waiting room to } wait some more? } } Nurse: Yes, I'm sorry sir, but Doctor Wright is very busy today } and... } } Leader: I have a squadron to lead! } } [ Leader follows nurse down the hall to the waiting room, enters } and sits dejectedly on a chair. Much time passes. Two Doctors } enter.] } } Doctor One: Hello, My name is Orville. We've checked your charts, } you're going to die. Soon. } } Leader: What?! I just got here! There are no charts. } } Doctor Two: Hello, I am Wilbur. And I agree with my brother. } You're as good as dead. } } Leader: You guys got this all wrong. } } Doctors One and Two: Oh, no two Wrights can't make a wrong. } } [ The Oracle, the entire priesthood and the system admins of } every single machine this message passed through would, at } this time like to extend to you and your extended family a } heart felt, "Sorry!" for that joke. We promise to be more } careful in the future. ] --- 1198-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wrote: > > Well, if I can't marry you, can I marry Zadoc? What's he look > > like, anyway? If you were me, would you marry him? > You wrote: > } Naw, I am still available, someone lied to you. You don't want to > } marry someone who looks like Jack Kervorkian now do you? > > I wrote back: > > Oh! You really mean it? Though, I happen to think that Jack > > Kevorkian isn't too bad-looking, actually... but in any case, you > > are my true love! Will you marry me? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > } You betcha and isn't ironic that you got the same gal who answered > } you the first time. Must be fate or are we on the Love Connection? > > Oh, Orriiiiiiee!!! You know I didn't mean 'you' as in 'you the > Incarnation', but 'you' as in 'you the omniscient, godlike Oracle'! > Though I'm sure that the Incarnation is a nice Incarnation, I just have > a preference for omniscient, male beings, and if not them, then their > Kevorkian-looking acolytes. Or both. It's hard to decide, sometimes. > > But since you're obviously not interested if you're beating around > the bush like this, could you ask Zadoc for me, if he'd like to marry > me? Zadoc, if you're reading this, I love you! --Henriette > > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyou iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyou iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou iloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveyouiloveyou > > iloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyou > iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou > iloveyouiloveyou And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The swirling lights... The vertiginous sensation of falling... The } sudden rush of sights and sounds... Ah, my muse has alighted on another } incarnation. I wonder who it is this time? Male, judging from the body } odour and discomfort around the groin area. Pity, I really prefer } female incarnations, as a rule. Well, except at that certain time of } month, obviously... } } Ugh! This one's cleaning toilets! I do wish Steve Kinzler would write } something into the program to prevent this kind of thing from } happening. Makes me feel like that guy in 'Quantum Leap', forever } landing in embarrassing situations. You wouldn't believe what the } previous incarnation was up to when I arrived! Thank goodness this } one's almost finished. } } "Whistle while you work } Darkmage is a jerk } Chew and Sewell } Live on gruel } Viles just makes me smirk..." } } Hey, I know that voice. Must be a regular. I'll see who it is when he } passes the mirror. What the...! Jack Kevorkian? Oh no, even worse! But } it can't be! It's impossible! } } "Well, that's the morning's chores done. Guess I'll go over to the } Master's chamber to see if he needs anything." } } Kinzler, you bastard! You told me you fixed it so Zadoc couldn't } incarnate! You swore on your sainted mother's grave! When I get out of } here you're going to be sorrier than you can even begin to imagine! } } "Hmm, he doesn't appear to be here. I guess he's out being incarnated } somewhere." } } Yes, that must be it, Zadoc. So why don't you just toddle off and... } } "I wonder if there are any good questions in the queue?" } } Zadoc, stay away from the console! You know the Master doesn't like you } going near... } } "I know the Master doesn't like me going near the console, but somehow } I feel drawn to it. I feel like... like... like I could answer a } question! But that can't be - I can't answer questions. The Master is } always telling me I haven't got the IQ of a dead slug. And yet, today, } I feel like I could do it. I feel... inspired! This can only mean one } thing!" } } It means you're delusional. } } "Master, you chose me! After all these years, I never thought it would } happen! Poor loyal Zadoc - always the bridesmaid, never the bride. And } to think I imagined that tiny voice I'm hearing inside my head was just } another one of my unfortunate episodes! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank } you, Master! I won't let you down! I'll be a worthy receptacle of your } muse!" } } Zadoc, stop! Keep your hands off that console! For god's sake, you've } just been cleaning toilets! } } "You'll be proud of me, Master! This answer's going straight into the } Best of the Best digest, you'll see. Now, what have we here? This is } very confusing..." } } Damnation, I forgot! I've got to let the pustule answer at least one } question - I'm stuck in his body until he does. Okay, Zadoc, listen } carefully - answer 'Yes no hell', Got that? Repeat after me: Yes - no - } hell. } } "Gosh, this supplicant wants to marry either me or the Master! Well, } the Master's spoken for, of course, but as for me..." } } The world has yet to produce a woman sufficiently lacking in } discernment. } } "I've been saving myself for Miss Right to come along. Hmm, Henriette. } What a lovely name, Henriette. Just rolls off the tongue..." } } So does saliva. } } "Say, there's a RHODent called Henriette. From Finland. It must be her! } She's always said nice things about me." } } Must be unhinged. Comes of living too near the Arctic Circle - look at } the Canadians. } } "That settles it! I will marry her!" } } For the sake of posterity, don't have children. } } "I shall fly to Finland right now!" } } NO! Wait, Zadoc, tell her you're coming first, so I can get out of } here. Zadoc! ZADOC! Tell her you're coming! } } "Hmm, perhaps I should tell her I'm coming first..." } } That's it, now you've got it. She wouldn't want someone looking like } Jack Kevorkian suddenly turning up on her doorstep, would she? The } shock would send her even further over the edge than she clearly } already is. Now, sit down at the console like a good little vermin, and } tell her... } } "No! It's much more romantic if I suddenly turn up on the doorstep, } looking dashing and hunky in a vaguely Kevorkian sort of way. The } surprise will probably make her love me even more. No more hesitation - } it's off to Helsinki with me!" } } Zadoc, stop! Stop, Zadoc! Zadoc... Oh god, I sound like HAL. Zadoc, } you'll regret this. She'll beat you with birch twigs, Zadoc. You won't } like Finland, Zadoc - they've never ever won the Eurovision Song } Contest. Most of us recognise that as some kind of warning. } } Zadoc, you know how each one of us has his or her own private vision of } hell? Well, mine's being present at your wedding night. Please stop, } Zadoc. Pretty please... } } Oh well, at least I'll be able to have the marriage annulled on the } grounds of bigamy. --- 1198-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Magnus Oraculus! Sanctificatur nomen tuum. > When wielding the staff of Zot, which method do you use: > 1) Do you point the end of it at the zotee? > 2) Do you hold it above your head the way Luke Skywalker held his > lightsaber in the Star Wars movie poster, and let the zot energy flow > from there? > 3) Is there a forward swinging motion like in brandishing a wand? Also, > is the zot energy visible when it leaves the staff, or do you prefer > the element of surprise so that the zotee never knows what hit him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do you point the Staff of Zot? } } Yes, I do, the end gets hot. } } Do you hold it high, above your head? } } No I don't, I often from bed. } } Do you brandish the Staff with a wand-like swish? } } Waving that thing is to have a death-wish. } } Can one see the Beam of Zot? } } It doesn't matter, you can dodge it not. } } You owe the Oracle a fox with no socks. --- 1198-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Um, I, well, forgot what I, uh, was going to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take two askmes and call back in the morning. --- 1198-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > Has the calorie-challenged lady sang yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, dear supplicant, the Rubenesque female has yet to raise a note, } but heed that time is always heading forwards, and soon shall come } the very demise of all that you hold dear! The end is nigh! } } PEOPLE SHALL COME RUNNING INTO THE STREETS TO SHOUT AND SCREM } FORGIVENESS WHEN THE END COMES!!!! } } HEED MY WORDS OR FACE MY WRATH!!!!!!! } } *ahem* } } Sorry about that, I've been feeling a little ill lately, some sort } of Touretts thing I'm told. Hopefully it will be over soon. } } Yes, it will ALL be over soon, you foolish mortals! See your paradise } rent asunder as I stride masterfully over it all in a bloodthirsty } battle to the death! } } *ahem*, sorry, as I said, it's the illness. } } You owe the Oracle some paracetamol, and a nice lie down somewhere } quiet for a while.