From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 8 10:11:35 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA20878; Fri, 8 Dec 2000 09:44:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 09:44:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200012081444.JAA20878@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1193 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1193 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1193 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 09:44:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1193 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1188 61 votes 4drf2 3bmi7 6eod4 86pbb 8lp70 17qk7 4bhch 5bjga 6apg4 7ggac 1188 3.1 mean 3.0 3.2 2.9 3.2 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.2 3.0 3.1 --- 1193-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Health Conscious: > > What is your cure for PMS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Menopause. --- 1193-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Chad is a country in Africa. Why are they bothering to mess up the US > elections? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are protesting the violence that typically surrounds elections in } backwater countries. } } You owe the Oracle a method of voting that does not involve punching } anybody. --- 1193-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Incontrovertable Oracle, I just bought a car. It is (unlike you) a > convertable. The top rolls down to allow me to soak up the sun and the > breezes. Neat! > > Or so I thought. As a Supplicant I am, of course, much more stupid > than you, the wisest Oracle on seventeen planets. > > The top won't go up. I tried to raise the top when it started to rain. > HOW WAS I TO KNOW IT WAS A DUMB IDEA TO RAISE THE TOP AT 85 MPH??? > Anyway, the top is a mess of twisted junk, and the last four days' rain > have made the inside of the car into a swimming pool. I don't have a > garage, or even a carport. How silly of me to think that I should get > a convertable without having one. > > Now I want to sell my convertable. I want to sell it quick, and I > don't want to lose any money. Where can I find a greater idiot than > myself, someone who'll buy the car for what I paid, sight unseen, and > will not come back to haunt me when he finds out the top is broken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FOR SALE } Limited Edition Customized 2000 Ford Mustang. } Comes with Enhanced Easy-Open (TM) Top and Wet Bar. Custom crafted } using state-of-the-art aerodynamically efficient wind-tested } technology. New precipitation-capture mechanism allows for } ultra-efficient braking in wet-weather conditions. Artistic rear } ornament sculpted by surrealist artist Supli Kant in space-age metal } alloys and fabrics. } } This truly one-of-a-kind vehicle is yours for the modest price of } $94,999. --- 1193-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Muse of Millions, Inspiration to all & Instigator of Many > Large Charity Projects and a Couple of Sloppy Civil Wars, > > Is my neighbor capable of learning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first stage in your enlightenment is to consider the validity and } implications of the following: } } Am I a neighbour of myself? --- 1193-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who shaves with Occam's razor, > > Do widows walk on Widow's Peak? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me check the Widow's Peak Cam... } } Hmmm. There seems to be a pair of young, happy newly weds gazing out } from the peak, enjoying the romantic sunset, but no widows (yet). One } widow coming up! } } *ZOT!* } } Interesting - widows only scream and run around in confusion on Widow's } Peak. } } You owe the Oracle a year's membership to Jenni-cam. --- 1193-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I would like to engage in some fast physical I/O, > but I have insufficient cache. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } buffer --- 1193-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ___ > / o o \ > \ _^_/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try reattaching your ear prior to asking a question, so as to be sure } you will actually hear the answer. Don't make me do a join( pain_yes ) } on you and your ear. --- 1193-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most kinky, > > I'm not dumb but I can't understand why she walks like a woman but > talks > > like a man, oh my Lola! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Janet Reno's least favorite song by The Kinks. --- 1193-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > #include > > int main() > { > while(1) > { > grovel(bang_head, harsh_surface); > > if(orrie == willing) > break; > } > > ask("What WAS Pavlov doing with those dogs?"); > > // one last grovel... > grovel(smash_knees, spiky_club); > > send_orrie(splendorous_gifts); > > return 7; > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, I'm going to award that 7 out of the possible 10 points. } You disagree? You want to know why? Fair enough, here's why: } } 1) Only one comment in the whole program. You know better than that. } I'm only deducting ONE point, however, because your use of descriptive } variable and function names is actually pretty good. (Although the } convention is to use uppercase names for defined constants like } WILLING.) -1 point. } } 2) It is also convention to have a program that terminates successfully } return zero. While 7 is the number of perfection (as you should } recall from Celestial Programming 131), it is still preferable to } return zero in this context. -1 point. } } 3) An all-too-common error, even in an intermediate programming } course such as this one, is the stunning lack of input statements. } Your program is adept at emitting grovels, gifts, questions, and even } return codes, but doesn't include a single ponder(), hear_answer(), } or even getc()! This is nothing more than a glorified "hello world!" } program. Frankly I expected better. It's pointless to access the } Oracle, present a query, and exit before receiving the answer. } It clutters the queue and puts the Oracle in a bad mood. -1 point. } (I should make it -2, but having seen the response Oracle made to your } question, I'm in a good mood myself. My wife is still giggling over it. } Too bad you'll never see it.) } } So, as I say, 7 out of 10 points. Cheer up, though - it's still better } than the average score on this project. } } You owe the Oracle the same query written in SQL. And let's try for } 10 out of 10 this time, shall we? See you next week. --- 1193-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, whose graces outnumber those of > miscounted votes in Florida, whose only flaw is that of > knowing too much, please deign to answer my question: > > Why is it the dumbest people seem to breed the most? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } The reason the dumbest people breed the most is they are } unable to figure out: } } The Butterfly Condom (I can't get the package open!) } The Butterfly IUD (I thought I had it in!) } The Butterfly Pill (I could have swore I took them) } The Butterfly Foam Dispenser (This stuff tastes awful) } The Butterfly Rhythm Method (What day is it?) } The Butterfly Coitus Interruptus (Oooops! Too Late!) } } You owe the Oracle a pump shotgun (I will get that stork yet!)