From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 29 00:38:45 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id AAA14582; Wed, 29 Nov 2000 00:10:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000 00:10:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200011290510.AAA14582@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1192 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1192 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1192 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 Nov 2000 00:10:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1192 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1187 67 votes 3fmi9 2hqg6 9bfgg 6ash6 eaof4 4lnf4 adhcf 4cqg9 1elhe 2ckp8 1187 3.2 mean 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.1 3.2 3.4 3.4 --- 1192-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great of televisionary savvy Oracle, I missed the last episode > of THE PRACTICE OF FAMILY LAW AND ORDER IN L.A. -- BY JUDGE AMY. > Can you summarize it for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BUY OUR TIRES !!! } BUY OUR TOILET PAPER !!! } USE OUR CREDIT CARD !!! } FLY WITH OUR AIRLINE !!! } EAT OUR BURGERS !!! } DRINK OUR FIZZY SUGAR-WATER !!! } VOTE FOR ME !!! } } Oh, and there was something about some lawyers in there somewhere, but } a statistically insignificant proportion. } } You owe The Oracle a TV with an 'intelligence' control - I've tried } 'brightness' but that didn't work. --- 1192-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, the best of plot: > why not finish little thot? > > Oracle of lots'a guys: > olways answers, never lies; > > Oracle with farts like flowers: > Show me intellect that towers. > > A snayk aat a buny and payd a hevy priis. > Dhu BUNY did a THING dhat wuzn't vaary niis. > > He kept hopping and hopping til the pair wer shoon buun. > They HOPT soo HIGH that dhay FLEW tuu suun. > > A duv dove frum straanjerz and straanjer you'll see. > A lion sprang up and az tol as your fee. > > Biting the bird to bits, the lion did not roar. > Instead he did lay egz like hare of Easter lore. > > The egz wer not norm. > They wern't even warm. > They grew into treez at the height uv a storm. > > Christmas treez they wer. > Or maybe dubbl-tayk. > They did seem made uv fir, > But now a branch is snayk. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Putting "Direct Connect to the Oracle" terminals in pubs turned } out not to be a good idea. --- 1192-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many people from Florida does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one. Named Chad...oh, and he's pregnant. What do you } want him to change the light bulb to? He's open to offers. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of solyent green. --- 1192-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > What is your real name ? > > ______________________________________________ > FREE Personalized Email at Mail.com > Sign up at http://www.mail.com/?sr=signup And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly me, I thought the link would help me. So I clicked on it, and } what do I get but a screen telling me I need a new e-mail address. } "This will help me find my real name?" I thought. But I pressed the } "sign up now" button anyway. } } I was thrown into a slew of choices. The first half of my new e-mail } address was easy: oracle. But the selections for the second half! } Cheerful.com, consultant.com, europe.com, cliffhanger.com, myself.com, } and on and on and on. Was there no end in sight? } } Finally I decided on witty.com. It was clear, it was concise, and who } wouldn't want to write to someone with the address oracle@witty.com ? } So I punched in "Internet" as my first name, "Oracle" as my last, } and hit "next." } } Surprise, surprise: it won't let me through. It tells me that the } address I've chosen is invalid. I double-check everything, make sure } I have every field filled and all options selected, and try again. } } Nope. No go. } } Okay, so maybe what they mean is that the address is already -taken-. } That I can understand; I'm a pretty popular guy, so it's not surprising } someone would try to mimic me in some small way. So I select another } address prefix, this time techie.com. Not quite as impressive as } witty.com, but I suppose I'll live. } } STILL no go. } } Alrighty then. I set down to thinking: not only am I popular, } but chances are that the way the server works, it only allows one } username suffix, no matter what prefix is attached to it. It makes } sense; easier to keep track of things that way. So I'll change that } lot to "internetoracle," and then I'll find out my real name. } } No. Again. } } So then it comes down to this: there are six billion people on the } planet. At least one of them likes me so much that he/she/it has } chosen to mimic me on the grandest scale he can come up with, which } is to occupy all mail.com addresses that even remotely resemble me. } Again, understandable, but one would think that he would at least -ask- } me first. Ah, well. Time to get creative. } } After a little creative finagling, I finally get the server to accept } me as bobapadillyboo@witty.com. Good. } } Now there's all this other info they want me to fill out. Geez, } a person could go mad just trying to figure out their real name. } Still, the security is a good idea -- it would probably be a Bad Thing } (tm) if a real name were to get into the wrong hands. } } So: password we'll set to, um, "9a51ga98g4a59dg45a49g2," I guess... } } Password question will be city of birth (Indiana University; it's a } trick question, you see). } } Date of birth: October 8, 1988 (didn't receive a single birthday } present. I'm very upset about that) } } Address? Why do they need my address? Ah, so I'll fill in some } random junk. Let's see: } } 1010 Binary Dr. } Cybercity, IN 10101 } United States } } Phone: 101-101-0101 } } Gender: Well, there's male, there's female -- what?! No omnipresent } deity selection?! What kind of joint is this, anyway? } } Ah, well. Male, I suppose. } } Marital status. Now -there- is a good question. What would you call } my current situation? I'm hardly single, but I'm not married, either. } I'll flip for it. } } ... } } Okay. Single it is. I just hope Lisa doesn't find out... } } No children -- well, excluding the priests, that is. } } Occupation: well, "Professional Services" is probably closest, but I } really don't like the image that entails. I'm hardly out on the street } looking for a John, so I'll just select "Computer Related (Software)." } } Income? That all depends. Not a lot of this stuff has retail value, } and I only ask for it on a whim. Say the lowest bracket, that way } the IRS will get off my back for once... } } And then I hit next! } } "Thank you for your interest in our site, but we are } unable to accept your registration at this time." } } WHAT?! After all that? } } <> } } You owe the Oracle an e-mail address at witty.com (without the .sig, } if you would be so kind), and my real name. --- 1192-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle in the 'Net, > What's with the stupid stuff I get? > Where do you get the glaring right > To insult me with dumb insight? > I have a query, but I can see > you won't co-operate with me; > And then you say, I owe you big? > A unicorn? A flying pig? > If you persist with answers thus, > I'll rant and rave! I'll make a fuss! > I'm really quite upset with you, > For having this distorted view; > You really think you're quite profound, > An idiot would be more sound > I warn you now, droll Oracle, > I'm quite irate, my anger's full, > If this comes back like some I've seen, > Then I'll "ZOT" YOU to smithereens! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, it seems extreme } To work up such a head of steam. } I cast my wisdom on the 'net, } And look at all the thanks I get! } The Oracle can't see the point } In getting your nose out of joint. } That sort of rude behavior makes } Some people get the sweats and shakes; } Outside of that, your getting hot } Accomplishes ... well, not a lot. } My answer, it's becoming clear } Is not what you'd prefer to hear } But friend, you failed to genuflect, } So what the hell do you expect? } Don't get me wrong, kind Supplicant: } It isn't that I would not want } To have a nice long chat with you } And swap verse till we both turn blue, } But we both lack the time and means } And solemn duty intervenes: } I've got a lot of work to do, } And I could say the same for you. } We could just keep this up all day, } But when we both have had our say, } What is the only point we've made? } That Dr. Seuss was underpaid. --- 1192-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most immovably supple and gauntly muscular, > > What kind of exercise routine should I take up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do not follow the standard medical advice of consulting your personal } physician before adopting a new exercise regimen. The Oracle knows all } and knows your particular medical history better than any two-bit quack } with a diploma from Slippery Rock Medical School. } } Follow this routine assiduously: } } * Arise at 6:13 A.M. every day } * Jog 1.5 miles } * Put your pants on, dummy } * Enjoy a modest, nutritious breakfast of eggs, bacon, fresh fruit, pop } tarts, pancakes, belgian waffles, and a bowl of Sugar Frosted Sugar } Bombs. } * Don't forget to use 2% milk with those Sugar Bombs instead of whole } milk. } * Power nap until noon } * Eat a modest nutritious lunch of fast food hamburgers, greasy fries, } and a chocolate shake. Burn off the calories by walking back home } instead of driving. } * Call a cab and go back and get your car. } * Aerobic exercise period. Practice the following: } - Jumping Jack Flashes } - Leaps of faith } - Jumping to conclusions } - Deep mind bends } * Break for a quick dinner of pork chops with gravy, potatoes, biscuits, } and lobster with melted butter. } * Hey, you forgot to get some greens with that meal. Ask for a dish of } mint chocolate chip ice cream. } * Anerobic exercise period. Practice the following: } - Examine the inside of your eyelids } * repeat as needed --- 1192-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most infinite, who will doubtlessly live for ever. > > There does not seem to have been a digest of your > bounteous wisdom for some time. Have you gone on holiday? > And if so, where to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately Kinzler has demanded a hand recount of the results } of the last digest, and he is currently using a microscope to look } for "pregnant electrons" in my RAM cells. --- 1192-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, dear supplicant. } } If you're going to play hide-and-seek with The Oracle, } you'll have to remember that your ears poke out. } } You owe The Oracle a count to 100 with your eyes closed. --- 1192-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I looked around the alley. Nothing. No-one was here. In fact, no > sound at all. Something wasn't right. It was too quiet. > > Not being one who wants to be in dangerous situations, I jumped on a > nearby ladder and climbed up the building. If the man wanted to try > and scare me, he had succeeded, but I wasn't about to let him see so. > That was just what he wanted. > > It was a long climb, and I certainly needed to work out more. But my > wits certainly needed no exercise. I only hope me doing this wasn't > what he had planned. > > I reached the top of the building. Nothing significant here, and still > too quiet. How could a whole town suddenly go so quiet? > > Slowly walking along, I lightly jumped from rooftop to rooftop. The > moon was beautiful tonight, and provided plenty of light for me to see > my way. > > Having gone far enough, I had to decide whether to take another ladder > down to the ground or try to see if any of the rooftop doors were open. > I decided going into a building was the best idea for the moment. > There was no telling how many goons the man had on the ground. There > must have been at least fifty. > > On the fourth building I checked I found the door unlocked. Slowly > opening the door so as not too make any noise (which would have sounded > like a truck on this quiet night), I peeped through. Nothing. Good. > > I snuck up the corridor and put my back to the corner. Taking my > trusty dentist's mirror from my backpack, I poked it around the corner > to see if anything was there. > > Goons! Even in here! The man must really want to capture me. > > I guess the only way out was back the way I came. No more rooftop > doors were open, and I wasn't about to break one down and wake the > neighbourhood. Down again was my only option. > > Unless ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unless I stopped bouncing around like a character in some idiotic } arcade game and took control of the situation. } } It was clear to me now that the man had arranged for me to reach this } spot. The ladders, the only unlocked door - they all led me here. Very } well, I wouldn't disappoint him. But when we met, it would be on my } terms. } } Back in the corridor, I once again poked my dentist's mirror around the } corner. By skilful manipulation, I used it to reflect the light from an } overhead fixture into the eye of one of the goons. He looked around } curiously. I held my breath, but I needn't have worried. True to type, } he stupidly came over to investigate without alerting his companions. } This is what I expected - I'd met so many of his kind during the war. } No wonder we lost. } } The moment the goon rounded the corner I clapped one hand over his } mouth and jabbed a syringe full of novocaine against his neck with the } other. } } "One word and I inject the full load into your jugular," I hissed. "Nod } if you understand." } } He nodded. } } "Very well, my fine fellow. You are going to lead me past all your } friends. If you try to resist, you are dead. If they try to stop me, } you are dead. If any of you displease me in any way at all, you are } dead. Understand?" } } He nodded again. Such ready intelligence in one so simian. } } I pushed him out into the corridor. The other goons looked startled, } and some moved as if to reach for weapons. I twitched the syringe } meaningfully. } } "Try anything and he dies!" I barked. "Hands away from your sides!" } } Slowly, grudgingly, they complied. One began to speak, "Look, Doctor } Szell, if you'd only..." } } "Quiet! Stand against the wall and let us pass!" } } They shuffled aside. I pushed my captive forward. Our passage along the } corridor, surrounded by tense, angry goons, took an agonising eternity. } Or 25 seconds, depending on how you calculate it. But eventually we } reached the door at the other end. I instructed my captive to open it. } } Stairs. Dark and forbidding, leading down. There was no other choice. } We went down. } } We reached an unlit landing. A corridor stretched out to either side, } lined with doors. Directly in front of us, another door, this one with } light trickling around the edges. Undoubtedly, this was my intended } destination. So be it. } } My human shield finally found his voice. "Doctor Szell, it doesn't have } to be this way..." } } "But I like it this way," I snapped. Contemptuously, I pocketed my } syringe and pushed him aside. I had no further use for him. I took a } hooked dental scraper out of my backpack and, holding it as menacingly } as possible, threw the door open. } } The room was brightly lit, bare apart from a desk and a swivelling } armchair with its back to me. Someone sat in the chair. I could only } see the back of his head, but I knew I had caught up with my adversary. } } "Turn and face your executioner, Wiesenthal!" I cried triumphantly. } } "Wiesenthal?" The voice sounded genuinely puzzled. The chair swivelled } round. I came face to face with a man I had never seen before. } } "Who are you?" I demanded. "Where's Wiesenthal?" } } "The Nazi hunter? I really have no idea. My name is Brian Moriarty, } president of the Amalgamated Union of Window Cleaners and Allied } Trades. Pleased to meet you at last, Doctor Szell." } } "You lie! If not Wiesenthal, who are you working for? The CIA? Mossad? } What do you want from me?" } } "I work for my members, of course. And as to what we want... Well, do } you really imagine we've gone to all this trouble because you pulled a } few teeth you shouldn't have during the war, Doctor? No, what concerns } us much more is that you haven't paid a single one of your window } cleaning bills since 1945. The net total you owe to date is..." He } picked a sheet of paper up from the desk and studied it. "$11,245.96, } plus tips." } } I did not know what to make of all this. "Window cleaning bills? There } must be some mistake..." } } "Come now, Doctor. You've received the invoices, the reminders, the } final demands, the lawyers' letter, have you not?" } } "I... I'm sorry. They must have slipped my mind... I have been so } preoccupied..." } } Moriarty smiled genially. "Of course they did, Doctor! I fully } understand. While you're devoting all your energies to plotting the } rebirth of the Third Reich from your secret bolt hole in Paraguay, it's } so easy to forget the little things, isn't it?" } } "Yes... yes, that's right," I stammered. } } "Ah, but they're not little things to my members, you see. Their } livelihoods depend on being paid for their work. Many of them have } families to support. Even in the midst of our megalomaniacal plans for } world domination, we mustn't forget the little people, must we?" } } I felt ashamed. He was right - a number of my past window cleaners } might even have been true Aryans. } } "I am very sorry to have been so remiss, Mister Moriarty. As it } happens, I am in town secretly to reclaim my not inconsiderable stash } of looted gold. The bank should be opening in a few hours. If you would } care to wait, I will return later this morning and settle my bills in } full. You have my word on it." } } Moriarty clapped his hands with satisfaction. "The word of a renegade } war criminal is certainly good enough for me. Colin," he addressed the } goon who had acted as my shield, and who had sheepishly slunk into the } room while we were talking, "go and tell the rest of the guys that the } good doctor has agreed to pay up. Oh, and Colin, I'm sure the doctor } would prefer to leave through the front door, so get them to remove } their ladders. We don't want anybody having an accident." } } Colin departed. I made to leave too. } } "May I say, Doctor," said Moriarty, "it's been a real pleasure doing } business with you. For a demented fascist psychopath, you are clearly a } reasonable man." } } "Thank you," I said. "I shall see you later." } } Out in the corridor again. There were some goons there, but their } former hostility was gone. They smiled at me and gave thumbs up signs. } I went down another flight of stairs, through another door, outside. It } was still dark, but with a slight brightening on the horizon, } indicating that dawn was not far away. } } Window cleaners, I said to myself. Who has time to think of window } cleaners? Or, for that matter, plumbers, housemaids, garage mechanics, } gardeners, garbage men... Suddenly overcome by dread, I melted into a } dark alleyway. How many more unions could be out there lying in wait } for me? The bank wouldn't be open for hours yet! } } I don't know how long I skulked in the shadows. It was as if my legs } were paralysed with fear. And still the city was quiet, so quiet. As if } it were empty. As if there was no-one there. No-one of whom I could ask } the one question I yearned to ask, I so desperately needed to ask. } } "Is it *safe*?" --- 1192-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Can you tell me, of all the women in the world, which has the most (to > pick a word) _scrumplicious_ breasts? I'm talking about a combined > scale of perkiness, texture, non husband-having, and, well, bigness > doesn't hurt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yours, dearie. } } ... you need to work out more.