From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 5 09:06:29 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA19309; Sun, 5 Nov 2000 08:40:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 5 Nov 2000 08:40:17 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200011051340.IAA19309@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1190 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1190 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1190 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 5 Nov 2000 08:40:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1190 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1185 56 votes 2et92 49gk7 4gie4 4ang3 4cik2 4fhf5 4gp92 arg21 28hhc 57did 1185 3.0 mean 2.9 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.1 3.0 2.8 2.2 3.5 3.5 --- 1190-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TRICK OR TREAT! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh. Damn, I forgot to have the Priests buy candy! Hold on a second - } lemme see if we've got anything for you. } } [Orrie digs thorugh hall closet] } } Let's see what's in here...frog's liver...286 motherboards...oh, hey! } There's that VAX I was looking for...man, Lisa cleans up and I can't } find anything. What else...Bill Gates' sex appeal...newt's } testicles...Beatles master tapes...oh bugger. } } Well...it appears that we're currently having a candy shortage round } the temple here. Instead of candy, how about some nice Oracular } advice? Won't rot your teeth, either. } } The advice? Most problems with Microsoft products can be solved by } judicious application of a flamethrower. } } You owe the Oracle a nice closet organizer. --- 1190-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, of winding explanations and unrelated answers: > > If you pressure Nat King Cole enough, does he turn into Neil Diamond? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. Well spotted, dear metamorphic supplicant. } } You'll also find that Metallica and Iron Maiden will be fashioned into } Tool. } } Hot Chocolate were dehydrated to form Eminem. } } The Mammas and the Papas gave birth to - of course - The Offspring } } Fortunately, Godsmack were miraculously transformed into Collective } Soul. } } Unfortunately, Bread just putrefied into Limp Bizkit. } } 98 Degrees was all that was left when Canned Heat burned out. } } Pearl Jam are a direct descendent of the Blue Oyster Cult by way of } Preservation Hall. } } Jewel was faceted for fame by The Cutting Room. } } And Ruby Tuesday was originally a little poem composed on a Wednesday by } an unformed piece of impure carborundum. } } You owe the Oracle a sequined segue. --- 1190-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,I need to find some information for my a level > essay. The title of the essay is:- What were the main influences and > their effects on the rebirth of the modern olympics And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Olymics were born from influenced primarily by geologic forces in } the northwestern U.S. These mountains in modern times are a popular } tourist attraction and recreation area. } } http://194.209.38.54/scripts/the_games/the_games_e.asp is the IOC's } take on modern Olympics --- 1190-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > I've got the glue, the chopsticks and the dromedary, but I've lost the > plans. What was the next step? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Activate the primary fusion reactor and set it to 1.8 gigajoules. } } 2. Measure equal parts of the polymer resin, liquid adhesive, aloe } vera, and all-purpose wheat flour into a large mixing bowl. Cover } with damp cheesecloth. } } 3. Prepare Plaster of Paris mix (according to instructions). } } 4. Dip the Kevlar strips into the plaster and then use them to } carefully line the outer surface of your sofa. } } 5. Reduce oven temperature to 450 degrees. } } 6. With your left hand pass the string beneath the knot, make sure } to continue to apply pressure to the skein. } } 7. Carefully peel back the skin from the principle incision. Loosen } with sharp knife if required. } } 8. Apply mixture evenly to all exposed surfaces paying special } attention to the areas beneath the waterline. } } 9. Baste regularly. } } 10. Once the dromedary has relaxed, begin massaging the oil into } the fur. } } 11. Once the sofa has dried, carefully remove the kevlar strips. } } 12. Remember! Close the cover before striking! } } 13. Disengage the starter motor once the flywheel has reached } 30,000 RPM. } } 14. Allow internal pressure to bleed off before fully opening } the valve. } } 15. Add fabric softener. } } 16. Allow product to cool to touch before cutting. } } Serves 10-20. } } You owe the Oracle either an easier meatloaf recipe or the number } for a good take out joint. --- 1190-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > If "many hands make light work", > but "too many cooks spoil the broth" > > should I hire some more people for the project I'm working on ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While it is true that "many hands make light work", you should consider } installing a proper fuse box. Or at least use legs, arms or any of the } other body parts that can handle a heavy amp load. As for the broth, I } find that cooks are often too fatty to make good broth. } } You owe the Oracle an arm and a leg. My new fusebox dosen't get } installed until next Thursday. --- 1190-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Psst - Oracle! Yeah, you! The one with the snazzy outfit and winning > personality. Come here. I have a brand new PS2. I'm looking to trade > it. What'll you give me? Variety, man, variety - the more things I have > to choose from, the better. See that guy over there? He's offering me a > toaster, two iguanas, and a package of brownies. Can you make me any, > you know, nicer, sweeter offers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Psst - Oracle! Yeah, you! The one with the snazzy outfit and } > winning personality. } } Yeeeeessss? } } > Come here. I have a brand new PS2. I'm looking to trade it. } > What'll you give me? Variety, man, variety - the more things I have } > to choose from, the better. See that guy over there? He's offering } > me a toaster, two iguanas, and a package of brownies. Can you make } > me any, you know, nicer, sweeter offers? } } Pffft. Do you think an omniscient being would be forced to wait } outside Fry's with the other slobs for a PS2? Being all-knowning has } its advantages, like knowing that two particular parcels were mislaid } on October 26th during transit. A Mrs. Olga Pfeffernuffer, age 78, } received at PS2 at her shop in Gary, Indiana, instead of the shipment } she was expecting. I 'just so happened' to be in the neighbourhood and } told her I'd take that piece of blue sculpture off her hands for $70, } but being so cagey and having *no* idea the value of a Playstation 2, } she haggled me up to $100 US dollars. } } Not long after, a certain Toys 'R' Us had to tell Gabe that he couldn't } take home a pre-ordered PS2 because they weren't shipped enough of } them. The clerk on duty wasn't embarassed to mention he has received } Mrs. Pfeffernuffer's six-speed vibrator with shoulder-strap... he was } only too embarassed to mention that it was now slightly used. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything this time, but if you can get rectal } cranium extractors for the 'tards who made a movie of running over a } PS2 with a Jeep, I know someone who would pay good money for it. --- 1190-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eiala, akakalkwi, Oracle, alakakaeak quiqlake Linux askaerama CD-ROM > reiakla Ydraggisil. > > Kajiqa oalake jakame, quidkaoap Microsoft aseala ahekla popiela Bill > Gates ai Steve Ballmer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ekalal tok la hagala agalala: } } 1. Galaka ha ala FreeBSD ai Linux } 2. Kinalala Larry Ellison en an Bill Gates ei emal "hot tub of sin" } 3. Sikal aleaseas "bucket of chocolate syrup" } 4. Im ik nala ei Pamela Anderson, yabba yabba yabba! } 5. Nok nom al ai "family-sized can of Crisco" } 6. Ika a qui qua "cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip" } 7. Imal ein ei galag "huge mutant ice weasels" } 8. Sokal Herman ei Grandpa Munster } 9. Gigabba nol okla hei "Luke, I am your father." } 10. Microsoft "Bob" } } Una ala espal Oracle eik ahekla Pamela Anderson poplie "bucket of } chocolate syrup" --- 1190-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Listen up, you incredibly benevolent deity, I don't know who you think > I am but it ain't who you've been told. > > So, how does one go about devising a digestible question? > > And what would the answer to just such a question be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, mister, I _know_ who you are. I don't have to be told. I'm The } Oracle, remember? And no, hiding behind that rubber nose with the fake } moustache isn't going to fool anyone, so you may as well take it off. } There, that's better. (Or in your case, maybe not.) } } Anyway, since I'm in a particularly benevolent mood today (it being the } Day of the Great Annual Oracular Booze-Up and Woodchuck Sacrificing } Festival), I shall deign to provide your question with a suitable } answer. However, my time being precious, and the Festivular Virgins } particularly enticing this year, I have chosen to delegate the reply to } a picked panel of guest dieties, who will, I am certain, provide you } with all the information you need. } } And our panelists today are... hm, that's interesting. It appears that } we're a bit short on regular dieties today, what with the Booze-Up } Festival going on and all, and a few of the lesser-known ones are } stepping up to fill in. So much the better! Our guest panelists today } are: Chicharones, the Aztec god of bloody sacrifice, blood and death; } Coaxialcable, the Omlec god of short-wave radio, hot dog buns, really } bad salsa and death; and Axolotl, the Inca god of death, death, and } (how quaint) more death. And now, on to our first question. } } > So, how does one go about devising a digestible question? } } Chicharones: Well, Orrie, this is a tricky question, and I'm sure that } everyone's approach is going to be a little bit different. I myself } would suggest that one start by cutting out its heart from its chest } while it's still beating, then cutting off its hands and feet with } obsidian-bladed ritual hatchets, and then--- } } Coaxialcable: No, no, no! You begin by bashing its head in with small } stones for thirty minutes or until until medium-dead, then you--- } } Axolotl: Blood! Death! Kill! } } Chicharones: ...its guts out... } } Coaxialcable: ...cut it into pieces, and then you jump up and down on } the pieces, until you get blisters, and then... } } Axolotl: Maim! Burn! Kill! } } Oracle: Ahem, thank you, gentlemen. And now on to our second question. } } > And what would the answer to just such a question be? } } Oracle: Well, I think I can field this one myself. It would probably } be something _not_ involving several blood-thirsty pre-Columbian } divinities and a panel discussion. } } Join us next week for "Short Discussions About Classical History". } Next week's topic: Wit and Humor in Historical Narrative. Our } panelists will be Thucydides, Herodotus of Halicarnassus, and Snorri } Sturlusson. } } Until then, this is The Oracle, signing off. --- 1190-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and punitive whose aim with the ZOT-staff is way > better then Punishers aim is with the machinegun. > > Will I be punished if I make an extremely bad pun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but asking tricky questions may get you riddled. } } You owe the Oracle two mallards. --- 1190-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle who is considered the commander-in-chief of the army > fighting the culture wars: > > I recently saw an American television commericial where the narrator > proudly announced, "You can't make pizza in a toaster". If this > wasn't bad enough, they actually had a woman demonstrate this truth. > What has our society turned into? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't worry, supplicant - although this may seem to you to be the } icing on the cake of crass americanised consumerism, it is, in fact, } a joyous celebration of the things society cannot yet do, but will soon } be able to. Other forthcoming public service announcements include: } } 'You can't freeze a lemming in under 45 seconds' } 'You can't breathe soup' } 'Your trousers just won't double up as an inflatable time machine' } 'You can't experience love and happiness with a tub of cottage cheese' } and } 'No matter how hard I shake it, this frog just won't lie still on the } birthday cake'