From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Oct 20 10:38:26 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id KAA10684; Fri, 20 Oct 2000 10:15:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 10:15:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200010201515.KAA10684@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1187 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1187 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1187 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 10:15:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1187 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1182 63 votes 7ctb4 4ljg3 ayb71 46rfb 59rg6 3frg2 25hqd 2dvd4 6jlb6 6glf5 1182 3.0 mean 2.9 2.9 2.3 3.4 3.1 3.0 3.7 3.1 2.9 3.0 --- 1187-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > i had to create two tables the first in navigator and the second in sql > plus. The first table went ok until i tried to enter the second table. > I keep getting error on line 4 ora-00907 missing right parenthesis. > > this is the information in the table: > create table products > (model_number varchar2(15) primary key, > product_description varchar(65) not null, > product_line char(1) foreign key(product_lines), > list_price number(6,2) default=0, > retail_price number(6,2) default=0, > manufacturer_code varchar2(3) foreign key(comp_manufacturers), > stock_on_hand number(3,0) default=0, > last_recieved_date date not null); > > thanks > > kevin And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know the frustration of making tables. Here are some tips: } } 5 QUICK TIPS in the workshop } } 1 KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE FENCE when cutting wood on a table saw. If you } can keep a space from opening up between the fence and your workpiece, } your cut should be straight. You can watch the blade like a hawk and } still have a cut that meanders all over the board. } } 2 DUST YOUR WORK between sanding passes - particularly before the finer } finish sanding. That way you're less likely to get "squiggle" marks } when a bit of coarse grit gets ground into the surface by your } vibrating block sander. } } 3 HOOK YOUR FINGERS over the fence of your table saw when cutting - if } you can - or place your hands so they rest at least partially on the } table. Then if the wood slips, your hands won't automatically follow in } the direction of the blade. } } 4 FEED THE SAW slowly, so the motor slows down about 10 percent, but } not so slowly that the wood binds in the kerf. } } 5 CURVES ARE EASIER to cut on a band saw and the thinner the blade the } better. } } One other that I don't normally list because it tends to frighten } people away is: "Keep you eye on your work. And if you do, make sure } the saw blade has come to COMPLETE stop". } } I have tried to reproduce your "table" from your blueprint } specifications. I think it's safe to say the finished product will be a } toilet. --- 1187-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Such profound wisdom and wit has the Oracle, he's banned in 9 states. > (Coincidently, all of those states are south of the Mason-Dixon.) > > Great Oracle, please tell me: > > Today we are forced to celebrate "Boss's Day" and pay homage to a > person we neither like nor respect, a jerk of an individual who makes > 8 hours of our day, 40 hours of our week, 10080 hours of our year a > living hell. He makes a living off of long lunches and meetings where > they sit and eat donuts while they drone on endlessly about things > they have no intention of changing (unless, somehow it would make > our lives more miserable). If he's in a crummy mood, we are the ones > that pay for it. And as if that wasn't enough, we have to sign a card > and tell him how happy we are to have him as our boss? Can you tell > me how this got to be so screwed up? Why don't they have a pissed-on > employee day, where just for one day, we could pretend that we have a > job that we like. Where the boss who can barely make eye contact with > us, unless he's telling us how worthless we are, has to suck up to > us and tell us how glad he is that we work here. Sure, it'd be fake, > but so are boob-jobs and you don't hear any men complaining. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bosses day!?! Excellent! } } PRIESTS!!! Get in here!!! And bring a card... } } You owe the Oracle a nice box of chocolates and a foot rub. --- 1187-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most dastardly of dastards, most fiendish of fiends, most wisest > of wise Oracle, > > How can I take over the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: stock footage of Acme Labs, and suddenly we're inside. There's } a cage on a table nearby, with tons of pseudo-scientific equipment as a } backdrop. The camera goes towards the cage, and we can see two mice } going about what could definitely be described as un-mouselike duties: } the thin and tall one is bouncing about, apparently quite giddy, and the } short stocky one is mulling over what can only be miniaturized } blueprints. The tall one stops bouncing momentarily as a rare } occurrence takes place: a thought crosses his mind. Thus consumed, he } turns to his companion.] } } Pinky: Gee, Brain, what're we going to do tonight? } } Brain: What we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world! } } Chorus: } "They're Pinky and the Brain, } They're Pinky and the Brain; } One is a genius, the other's insane. } To prove their mousy worth, } They'll overthrow the Earth; } They're Pinky, } Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain } Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, } Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!" } } Brain: That song makes my head hurt, Pinky. } } Pinky: Narf! } } Brain: My plans for taking over the world have all ended in failure, } Pinky, and do you know why? } } Pinky: Um ... bad hygiene? } } Brain: No. } } Pinky: Er ... you're topologically unsound? } } Brain: This is a game that could take centuries to complete. I'll just } tell you, shall I? } } Pinky: Oh, goody. } } Brain: I've never bothered to ask for advice. All I have for an } assistant is a brain-dead simpleton who couldn't add two sums and get a } whole number. } } Pinky: I've got plenty of holes, Brain. } } Brain: Don't tempt me, Pinky. But this is all going to change. At } long last, I have found an advisor worthy of my immense cranial } capacity, a wonder of knowledge and wisdom far surpassing any mortal! } } Pinky: Dwight Yokum?! } } [Brain wallops Pinky with a rolled-up blueprint.] } } Brain: No. I speak of none other than: The Internet Oracle! } } [Insert angelic choir here] } } Pinky: [Awed tone] Wow. [Beat] Who's he, then? } } Brain: Apparently, he's some sort of deity that was trapped by a mortal } into answering questions to various geeks around the globe. I have sent } an e-mail to him asking how I might best take over the world, and his } response is due any time now. } } Pinky: I knew a geek once. He bit the head off my favourite chicken. } } Brain: [stunned momentarily, then decides to go on regardless] Shall } we? } } [Pinky nods, and pulls out from under his bed a carton of cartoon } holes. They place one over the cage door, and easily step from the cage } to the lab. -Much- easier than picking the lock, wouldn't you say?] } } [They scurry on over to the computer, and Pinky does the muscle work in } pressing the POWER button. In true cartoon-style, they don't even have } to wait for it to boot up, and the e-mail program launches } automatically.] } } Brain: [peering at the screen] It's here, Pinky! Look! [He points to } an incoming e-mail whose subject reads "The Oracle Replies!"] Quickly, } Pinky; the mouse! } } Pinky: [frightened] A mouse?! Where?! } } Brain: The big half-spherical grey thing! } } Pinky: Oh, well why didn't you just say so. [Begins to move the mouse } about with only a modicum of difficulty.] Where would you like it, } Brain? } } Brain: Put the mouse down, Pinky, back on the mat. Remember how I } showed you? } } Pinky: Narf! Sure thing, Brain. [Sets the mouse down rather heavily } on his right foot. He cries out in pain, pulls his throbbing red foot } out from underneath, and begins hopping about in agony] } } Brain: Thank you, Pinky. I'll just use the keyboard. [He hops around } on the arrow keys for a bit until the message is selected, and then hits } the ENTER key. The message pops up, and he begins scrolling down with } the arrows.] Hmmm. It seems that the Oracle is more inclined towards } humour than helping me with my current dilemma. Pinky, are you } pondering what I'm pondering? } } Pinky: I think so, Brain; but I don't think icicles -grow- in Bermuda. } } Brain: Never mind, Pinky. I'm afraid we'll have to go to Plan B! } } [Insert stunningly evil crescendo] } } Pinky: Do we even -have- a Plan B, Brain? } } Brain: We always have a Plan B! It just usually ends up being Plan A } in the next episode. } } Pinky: Whoopee! We get to go to Plan B! We get to go to Plan B! [Hops } up and down, dances around a bit, and gets bonked on the head by Brain } again.] Narf! } } Brain: Down, Pinky. This plan is quite dangerous: we have to go to } Arabia! } } Pinky: Ooooo, I've always wanted a baby of my very own, Brain! } } Brain: A-RAB-I-A, not a-baby-a! We need to find the famous Aladdin's } Lamp! } } [A very large segue later, Brain and Pinky are in a desert, dressed in } Arabian garb and shielding themselves from the ever-present winds. } Brain appears to be consulting an oversized map of some sort.] } } Brain: Over there, Pinky! According to the satellite feed, there's a } huge cavern just underneath the sand someplace. } } Pinky: Um, Brain? } } Brain: Not now, Pinky. We've got to find an entrance to the } subterranean depths. } } Pinky: But Brain -- } } Brain: I said not now, Pinky. [Turns the map around a couple of times] } It's so difficult to read these things... } } Pinky: Brain! } } Brain: What, Pinky?! [Looks towards him only to see Pinky's head } barely sticking out of the sand, and sinking fast. His eyes go wide.] } Hold your breath, Pinky! I think you've found something! [He dives in } to the quasi-quicksand, and they both go under.] } } [New scene: it's dark. That's pretty much it.] } } Pinky: Brain? } } Brain: Yes, Pinky? } } Pinky: Where are we? } } Brain: We must be underneath the surface of the desert. If my } calculations are correct, Aladdin's Lamp must be nearby! } } Pinky: But Brain? } } Brain: Yes, Pinky? } } Pinky: Can you see? } } Brain: No. But that will not stop us from being successful in our } objective! } } Pinky: But how are we supposed to find this thingy if we can't look } for it? } } Brain: I've got a flashlight around here somewhere. Here it is. } } [With an echoy *click*, we can just make out the dim shapes of Pinky } and the Brain standing in a just-sized-for-them cavern, holding an } oversized flashlight between them.] } } Pinky: Brilliant, Brain. But how did you carry the flashlight all } this way? } } Brain: The miracles of modern cartooning, my dim-witted friend. } Forward, march! } } [The two mice make their way more or less evenly along the impossibly } small cavern. Cut scenes show them crawling over cave-ins, digging } through blocked passageways, and in many other ways traversing what is, } to them, a mighty big series of tunnels. Finally they manage to crawl } into a huge cave, and the flashlight's glow magnifies a hundred times, } as if intensified.] } } Pinky: Brain! It's be-you-tiful! } } [Indeed it is. There is gold, silver, and various other shiny baubles } piled up everywhere in the cave, with a shimmering dirt path snaking its } way through to a far wall.] } } Brain: Come, Pinky! Leave the gold; we have greater things ahead of } us! } } [The two rodents race down the golden path, through the door inset the } far wall, and beyond. After a long race, they finally make their way to } a towering pillar placed in the middle of an underground lake. } Together, they make their way up the steps, each aiding the other in } taking the first, second, third, twenty-seventh, thirty-fourth, five } hundredth step upwards. Finally, gasping and heaving, they make it to } the top, where a cylinder of light envelops a glistening object.] } } Pinky: It doesn't look like much, Brain. } } Brain: Appearances can be deceiving. There is no doubt an entire realm } of magical properties trapped within that deceptively subtle-looking } lamp. } } Pinky: [Awed] Naaaarf. } } [Brain pulls out a large bag from somewhere off-screen, takes a good } look at the lamp, and pours some dirt from the bag, weighing it in his } hands before he dumps about half the bag off the side of the pillar. } Finally, after much hemming and hawing, he makes the switch!] } } Brain: [Holding the lamp above his head] I've got it! } } [There is an audible *CLICK*, and then a small rumbling begins. The } bag of dirt begins to sink into the pillar.] } } Pinky: [Cowering] Uh-oh... } } Brain: Never fear! If this is indeed Aladdin's Lamp, we shall be } saved momentarily! [He starts rubbing the lamp. The bag of dirt has } sunk completely by this point, and has been replaced by a billowing } plume of fire. The lake below begins to boil. Brain, panicky now, is } rubbing the lamp every which way.] How do you work this thing? } } Pinky: [Frightened] Brain ... } } Brain: Quiet, Pinky! I'm trying to concentrate! [Continues rubbing] } } Pinky: But Brain ... } } [Brain finally has enough, and bonks Pinky on the noggin again. That } seems to knock some sense into the lamp, and so it isn't too long after } that a djinn appears with the accustomed smoke trail leading back into } the lamp's mouth. He (if a gender can be applied to a semi-deistic } entity) appears a bit bored, even with the explosions nearby.] } } Djinn: I am the Genie of the Lamp, yada yada yada, what'dya need? } } [An explosion rocks the pillar. Brain and Pinky peer over the edge: } the pillar seems to be on the verge of tumbling into the boiling lake } below! Brain gets up and looks the djinn straight in the eye.] } } Brain: Get us out of here! Now! } } Djinn: [Shaking his finger] Ah ah ah; what about the magic words? } } Brain: [Taken aback for the moment, but recovers quickly.] Please! } } [The pillar begins to topple. Brain and Pinky grab hold of the nearest } relatively stable object they can find, which just happens to be each } other; naturally, this does not help their predicament. The djinn seems } happy to tilt along with the pillar in a strange display of how } orientation can be relative in three-dimensional space, assuming one } doesn't care where one lands.] } } Pinky: I wish we were home right now! } } Djinn: Done! [He snaps his fingers just before all three land in the } steaming body of water, and with a puff of smoke the trio find } themselves locked safely away in their cage. The mice begin stripping } off their Arabian outfits while Brain gives the djinn what-for.] } } Brain: What kind of genie are you? When I give you an order, you obey } it! When I tell you what I want don -- } } Djinn: Your wish is my command! [He snaps his fingers again. Brain } stops in mid-sentence, the full realization of what just went on } beginning to connect in his brain. Pinky, of course, remains } oblivious.] } } Pinky: Boy, Brain, am I hungry. I wish I had a *hrmmph!* [Brain has } covered up Pinky's mouth and manages to subdue him just as the djinn was } beginning to snap his fingers. Slowly, carefully, he peels his hand } back.] What'd I say, Brain? } } Brain: This is a genie, Pinky, otherwise known as a djinn in the } Arabian tongue. They're only allowed to give us three wishes, and we've } already used two: one to get out of the cave where we located his lamp, } and the second as a direct order to do whatever we say. We only have } one wish left, and then he's gone forever! } } Pinky: Sorry, Brain. I wish *hrmmph!* [Brain subdues Pinky again, } and looks to the djinn with an evil look in his eye. He doesn't even } bother to savour the moment.] } } Brain: Genie, I wish for the world! } } Djinn: [shrugs] Sure thing, pal. [He snaps his fingers, and there's } a puff of smoke that takes up the entire screen. Just before the screen } clears, we can hear Brain crying out] } } Brain: I did it! I did it! I own the world! } } [The smoke clears, and Brain freezes in mid-air. There, in-between } himself and Pinky, stands the world -- or, rather, a miniature mounted } globe. Brain slowly descends to Earth, his jaw wide open. Pinky walks } over to it and pushes it along its rotation. It squeaks.] } } Pinky: It's ... it's kind of small, Brain ... } } Djinn: [From somewhere off-stage; ethereal] Like it? It spins! } Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ... } } Chorus: } They're Pinky; Pinky and the Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain! } } } You owe the Oracle a better defined wish, and a djinn that doesn't like } practical jokes. --- 1187-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many times do I have to tell you--type question, THEN press "Send." } How would you like it if I pressed "Send" before finishing writing your --- 1187-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Why is the ocean blue? It makes it very confusing when looking out > at the sea. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, fish pee in the ocean. Someone was just kind enough } to add urinal cakes. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the hit movie, "Flipper gets potty } trained." --- 1187-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Coffee! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc makes slow "bubble popping" sounds with his mouth, the sounds } then pick up speed. Then Zadoc pantomimes drinking from a mug, he } pauses and slowly opens his eyes quite widely. He leaps up and rushes } around the room. } } Toaster! } } Zadoc stops. Tilts his head back. Waits, then pops his tongue out } accompanied with a loud slap on his thigh. } } Lawyer! } } Zadoc starts humming the "Jaws" shark attack tune, DA DOT! DA DOT! } He then rushes into the crowd and tries to take the wallet out of a } man's back pocket. } } The assembled others clap politely. Improv night at the Priest's } commissary might seem droll to outsiders, but it was a highlight } of the week for those who lived full-time at The Temple. } } Camel Caravan with a Drum Solo! --- 1187-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle so wise, > > Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When > someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply > remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. > End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some > of the specific laws and how to best follow them. > > * When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a > pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. > They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with > this? > > * I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in > Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair > price for her? > > * I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is > in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem > is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. > > * Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus > 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated > to kill him myself? > > * Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that > are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans > but not Canadians. Can you clarify? > > * A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an > abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than > homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? > > * And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I > have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. > Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? > > I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you > can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal > and unchanging. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, these are tough. Normally that wouldn't concern me, since I know } everything, but just to be on the safe side, I'm going to shunt this } one right over to God. God, take it away: } } Thus spake God: } } Thanks, Orrie. You know, Supplicant, it's a real pleasure to deal with } people from the "old school" way of thinking. That whole business with } the virgins, the apostles, the terribly messy death, the resurrection } what a hassle! And you're absolutely right not to have a thing to do } with it. I considered turning back time and doing the whole thing over } again, but then Orrie here was kind enough to point out that humans } would come up with something silly along the same lines anyway, so here } we are. } } Anyway, to get to your questions: } } > * When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a } > pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. } > They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with } > this? } } You're comparing the wants of a few petty mortals against the will of } your God? } } 'Nuff said. } } > * I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in } > Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair } > price for her? } } Normally I'd suggest a few gold coins, but in this day and age that's } not really practical, since the government has actually done a smart } -- thing for once and is hoarding all the gold it can find. Not to } mention that if you -were- to sell your daughter, you would only get a } single payment of maybe a few bucks and then you're back in the red. } No, it's much better to -rent- your daughter out to a few men at a } time, as in Genesis 19:8. } } > * I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is } > in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem } > is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. } } You have to remember that these rules were written back when almost the } entire population of the planet was very close together -- indeed, it } would not be uncommon for the whole of the female population to begin } and end their menstrual cycle on the same day. } } Nowadays, however, with the advent of artificial lighting, the natural } biorhythms have been subdued, and so now it is possible for any woman } you come in contact with to be unclean, and there's really no way of } knowing. Normally, this would mean you're unclean every time you so } much as touch a woman -- unless, of course, you "know" she's clean -- } but this is one rule I'm willing to bend the rules on. Don't ask, } don't tell. } } > * Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus } > 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated } > to kill him myself? } } Back in the days when I was first starting out (in the book of Exodus, } as you were so kind to reference) it was found necessary to stone the } individuals who dared to break the sanctity of that of most holy days. } Fortunately, with an increased following, I was able to take vengeance } Myself as soon as a few decades from there, known in Biblical terms as } Jeremiah 17:27, thus not having to temporarily revoke one of the ten } commandments. } } > * Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that } > are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans } > but not Canadians. Can you clarify? } } Your friend is quite right. Canada doesn't count as a nation. } } Don't ask. } } > * A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is } > an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than } > homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? } } All abominations are more or less the same. You break the Sabbath, } your soul will die. You murder, your soul will die. You commit } adultery, your soul will die. All are on a pretty level playing field. } I wouldn't worry about it, though; you'll get to plead your case on an } individual basis once you die, and I'll decide then. } } > * And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I } > have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading } > glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle } > room here? } } Where do you think the term "20/20" came from? You surely didn't think } that was just an optometrist catch-phrase, did you? } } Unfortunately, what with the rising number of people with vision } problems, it looks like I'd lose a good sixty percent of my following } if I started enforcing this strictly, and an all-out miracle of that } sort of scale would make the sort of headlines I just can't afford. } First it's correcting vision, and next thing you know I've got six } billion phone calls for lottery numbers the next day. Ugh. No thanks. } } So don't worry. You can keep going to the tabernacle with no fear of } divine retribution. } } All these questions and more are why I have been considering a new and } improved Torah, which is currently in the editing stages. What with } the legal department breathing down my neck, the politically correct } faction, and various minority groups clamoring for attention, it } doesn't look like it'll hit the stores before 2936, and I fully plan to } have annihilated the Universe long before then. In other words, it's } probably going to be a no-go. Which is just as well, as with the } revisions, additions, footnotes, and appendix, the NIT would be well } over sixty-three volumes, which might be a tad difficult to cart back } and forth every seventh day. } } In the meantime, feel free to contact either Orrie or Myself, and we'll } try to lay any fears you have to rest. } } Oh yes, and one thing Orrie asked me to add: you owe your eternal soul. } To Orrie or to Me; your choice (but if I were you, I'd take under } consideration that Zadoc didn't just appear out of thin air...) --- 1187-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, almighty, all-knowing, benificent, magnificent, but oh-so-nice > Oracle, you may recall (964-05) the campaign of General Failure against > Wilhelm von Gates. I was just wondering... what was the eventual > outcome? I've been wondering for quite some time now... had to go on > holidays, you see. > > Thanks. > > Oh, by the way -- here's that apple I owe you. Nice and red, too. > Enjoy! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may recall... of course I recall! What, do you think I got my } omniscience out of a cereal box? } } Dash it, supplicant, have you any idea how long it's been since I } asked you for that apple? If you were going to take this long about } it, you could have at least picked a better colour than red - Bondi } blue, or lime, or one of the swank graphite ones, for instance. } } When last we left good General Fault, commander of the forces of the } realm of Dahz, his back was against the wall in his battle with the } eeville Kaiser Wilhelm von Gates and his blitzkrieg legions of } Wyndos. In a desparate move, Fault turned to you for tactical advice. } } Boy, was that a mistake. You, my friend, couldn't tactic your way out } of a pile of wet toilet paper if you had scuba gear and a plasma arc. } } It is now the year 2000, and the forces of Dahz have been } defeated; Dahz is now subservient to the terror of Wyndos, a mere } shell of its former glory. To add to the ignomy, poor General } Faults very own brother, young Protection, has become the Kaiser's } right hand man, bringing his master a destructive new sonic } weapon. Few survive the Blue Scream of Death! } } All has not been smooth sailing for Kaiser von Gates, however. A } recent tangle with a great power known as the Doj ended in defeat, } even though von Gates has emerged unscathed. But it has shown there } are limits to his power. } } But now, two new threats loom on the horizon. First, rumours of a } mysterious masked man known as System X have been trickling out of the } land of Jobz. Will System X be a true challenge to Wyndos 2000, or } will he simply turn out to be von Gates's long lost brother? Only } Chim-Chim knows for sure... } } But the greatest of the New Hopes is the great Horde from the } east. Editor, compiler and linker are to them what ponies, stirrups } and archery sets were to the Mongols. They are called the Linuks, and } their leader is the great general Linus of Finlandia. The strength of } Linuks has been growing steadily, and none have been as mighty since } the elder days of Dahz. Can the barbarians bring down the mighty } Empire of Wyndos 2000? } } Now you know how the lines are drawn, supplicant - and knowing is half } the battle! Choose your sides wisely. } } You owe the Oracle a secure message to my chief of staff, Commodore } Amiga. --- 1187-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > How was the Universe actually created ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How, how, how. Everybody wants to know HOW the universe was } created. Was it created by some divine being or did it explode out } of nothingness? Oh, and lets not forget WHY. Why was the universe } created? Why am I here? blah blah blah. Other than the handful of } astronomers who want to know WHEN, all I even hear is HOW and WHY. } Does anybody ever think to ask WHERE the universe was created? Nooooo, } nobody ever asks WHERE the universe was created. It doesn't matter to } them WHERE the universe was created. They're too wrapped up in their } own tiny self-absorbed world to wonder WHERE the universe was created. } Well I'll tell you WHERE the universe was created. Right smack-dab in } the middle of my rose garden that's where. Now instead of a gazebo I } have a globular cluster. Instead of worrying about black spot I have } to deal with black holes. And that Orion Nebula that everybody oohs } and aahs about wiped out my prize winning Bloomfield Dainty. } } You owe the Oracle a BIG can of universicide. --- 1187-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle you are the smartest entity to ever have rewritten > a kernel with nothing more than cat and a cup of coffee, > > Why can't the boss stick with one position for a whole year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A whole YEAR ???? } } If you've got a boss who's capable of maintaining a consistent position } for more than an afternoon, you're doing well ! } } The Oracle is aware of bosses who are capable of adopting up to } 17 mutually exclusive positions simultaneously. And berating their } employees for non-compliance with 16 of them the following day. } } In fact, the mind of the average boss is the nearest thing you'll } find to a real-world example of Quantum theory. } } Want to see the superposition principle in action? Ask which of the } 10 items on your 'to-do' list has the highest priority. } } Want to see the Uncertainty principle in action ? Ask if you can } take some time off next month. } } Want to see an example of Quantum Tunneling ? Watch how the effect } of your good work leaps straight from the departmental bonus-pool } into your boss's bank account. } } You owe The Oracle a PHB whose memory stretches beyond yesterday } lunchtime.