From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 16 08:18:58 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id HAA01010; Mon, 16 Oct 2000 07:53:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 07:53:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200010161253.HAA01010@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1186 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1186 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1186 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 07:53:48 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1186 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1181 59 votes 2ekf8 4doe4 1bml4 5bik5 he9b8 3jt62 3eek8 7ahg9 4dpf2 4apg4 1181 3.1 mean 3.2 3.0 3.3 3.2 2.6 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.0 3.1 --- 1186-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, today my employers told me that the new > employee self-service website is the best thing since > sliced bread... even though it won't let me log > on to try it out. This begs the question for which, today, > I am grovelling before you in hopes of getting some wisdom. > > My question for you, Orrie, is.. What was the best thing > before sliced bread? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sharp Knives. } } You owe The Oracle a pastrami sandwich. --- 1186-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pssst! > > Pssst! Hey! You! > > Yeah, you. C'mere a second. > > Wanna buy a watch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The modern world was not kind to all the old gods, Cronus in } particular, was not adapting well. --- 1186-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > VILES: That was awful, utterly awful. > > CLEMENT: It could be worse; remember "The Internet Oracle Sings" > debacle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } KINZLER: } It's the Oracle, with our very special guest star Jaaayyy Raaandom } Iiincaaaarnation!!! } } [Whole band, plenty of brass and drums] } Bum ba dum ba dum, Bum Ba Dum Ba Dum, Buddum ba Dum Dum Dum! } [Cut to cheesy bass, drums and horns] } Boom chi boom chi boom (ba daaa ba da) } } SUPPLICANTS: } It's time to fire up telnet! } It's time to dim the lights! } It's time to send a question to the Oracle tonight! } } [Cheesy bass fill, then] } INCARNATIONS: } It's time to think up answers! } It's time to not be trite! } It's time to get a laugh by incarnating tonight! } } VILES: Why do we have to do this } CLEMENT: It's 'cause we fear our boss } VILES: It's like a kind of torture } BOTH: To have to read this dross } } [Interlude and solos] } } PRIESTS: And now let's get things started } INC & SUP: Why don't you get things started } KINZLER: It's time to get things started } EVERYONE: on the most sensational educational oft unmentionable } Oraculatable - this is what we call the Oracle! } } VILES: That was awful, utterly awful. } CLEMENT: It could be worse; remember "The Internet Oracle Sings" } debacle? } VILES: Man, that was bad! He couldn't hit a note with a hammer! } CLEMENT: I hear he sings so flat, Lisa does the ironing on his voice! } BOTH: } } [fade out] } } You owe the Oracle some singing lessons. --- 1186-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Unerring Oracle scholar of life, and poetry, and trucks, > with your immortal's vengeance, and eye, and nostril, and > beautiful disdain, and mighty thigh hair, and majestic > flashlight collection please answer my humble question, > > Does the USA -really- have any nuclear bombs? I, mean, like > if they did won't they be busy digging fallout shelters > everywhere? They seem wildly unconcerned as a nation that is > supposed to be sitting atop a huge world cleansing arsenal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the depths of the Pentagon, a smoke-filled room hosts a top-secret } meeting, which I can now bring you via Zotovision ("now in fabulous } color!"). } } (wibble-wobble-wibble-wobble) } } General Z: Oh, damnit gentlemen, I just love sitting atop a huge world } cleansing arsenal. } } General Y: Yes indeed, sure beats hemorrhoids. } } General X: Well, indeed... but, you know, there's one thing that's been } bothering me. } } Z: Really, X, what the hell's that? } } X: Well, you know... We've spent many years now amassing this large } pile of nuclear explosives, and they do look pretty and all, but it } just makes me think. } } Y: About what? } } X: Uhh... well, maybe they'd look better on the mantlepiece than in the } garden. } } Z: Dammit, X, you know my rosegarden won't look nearly so God-damn good } without atomic warheads peeking cheekily between the flowers. } } Y: What brought all this on, General X? } } X: Well, one morning I was walking down the path towards the } greenhouse, and when I passed the privet hedge between the ICBM silos, } it just occurred to me that we might have forgotten something during } the landscaping process. } } Y: And what would that be? } } X: Well, these bombs and all... they explode, don't they? } } Z: God damnit, X, what's the matter with you? } } X: I'm just concerned that we haven't fully explored the consequences } of owning a large arsenal of big bangy things. } } Z: Hell, you're turning into a damn commie. I knew we shouldn't have } let you dress up as John Lennon in last year's pageant. } } Y: Are you alleging that these explosives may be dangerous, General X? } } X: Well, only if they go off. } } Y: And you believe that would be dangerous? } } X: Well, I figure that if they explode, we might... well, we might get } hurt. } } Z: Damnit, the nerds down in N Division Labs went into all that. The } bombs only kill four classes of people: (1) Damn commies. (2) } Long-haired flag-burners. (3) Assholes with guns. (4) Assholes without } guns. } } Y: You see, X? Nothing to do with us. } } X: But they weren't fully tested outside of combat. When that warhead } exploded in Cleveland last year - the one we hushed up, remember? - } there was a report of a short-haired leaf-burner being slightly } bruised. How do we know innocent Americans wouldn't be injured? More to } the point, how do we know *we* wouldn't? And, at any rate, General Z is } kind of an asshole. } } Y: I see. Hmmm... maybe some sort of shelter would be advisable? } } Z: A shelter?! If there was a war, I'd have to go into a damn shelter? } I wouldn't be able to see any damn fireworks! I love god damn } fireworks, and at least I wouldn't have to pay for a damn ticket. } } X: Well, Z could stay out of the shelter if he wanted. But maybe we } should build some? } } Y: Right. I'll get onto the approved contractors and see about getting } them built. How much do they cost again? } } X: Well, say $15 million per shelter per 100 people. How many people } are there in the United States again? } } Z: Too damn many. They're all damn commies and long-haired assholes } without guns. } } Y: At any rate, there is no way we could afford to protect all those } civilians. I vote we don't bother about them and just build a decent } shelter for the three of us. } } X: Well, that sounds fine to me. I second it. } } Z: Damn right. Motion carried. } } Y: I'll put it in the minutes. Now, General Z... you had something to } say about your department's harnessing of the energy of ZOT? } } Whoops, I'd better stop it there. Don't want to give away any trade } secrets. } } (wibble-wobble-wibble-wobble) } } You owe the Oracle a more powerful ZOT to get through Zadoc's shelter } shielding. --- 1186-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right, buddy...where is it?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } #3 on the list of things you don't want to hear from } a new lover. --- 1186-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .. forever shall it dominate his destiny. } } No, wait. That's not right. Hold on here, I seem to have a wire } crossed somewhere. } } ... he shall be trapped with free service for all of his days. } } More appropriate, but not what you're looking for. Let's see: the blue } wire's connected to the red pylon, the red wire's connected to the } } } ... else. } } A tad short, isn't it? Maybe if I connect this here with this -there-, } flip that circuit over here, and touch this button instead. } } ... life would be too easy. } } Pragmatic, at best. True, but not delivered well. Not to mention that } it's not even from the quote database. Where's my soldering iron? } } ... the biopulminary functionality of the mental apertures will be lost } upon the semi-sentient life form, thus resulting in the complete and no } doubt absolute loss of a ridged, or even loose, belief structure. } } Er, no. Good try, but you still get to feel the torch. } } There. Maybe that'll do it. } } ... jaiog hioaegh aohgoaiu giaoghoa gai aigha oi igooag. } } Damn stupid machine!! "It'll make your life } easier," he says. "Free up your time," he says. } "Give excellent and creative answers," he says. Did } I know better? Of course! Did I listen to myself? } Of course not! } } Okay, my little supposed electronic assistant: you get one more shot at } this. Just once more, and then I chuck you in the bin. If you deliver } the right answer, I'll think about letting you have a very short } existence as a smart bomb. One more time: "A man's reach should } exceed his grasp, OR..." } } ... or what's a Heaven for? } } Hmm. I like the others better. } } You owe the Oracle a good, long talk with Robert Browning, and an } address to send this so-called "helper" to the Department of Defense. --- 1186-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, > > This isn't going to work is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Email failed: } } This email was bounced for the following reason: } } 4g: Didn't Work. --- 1186-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most changeless, can you tell me where I can cash this > reality check? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In an election year ? } } You owe The Oracle a rain-check on that reality check. --- 1186-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, Wisest of the Wise, > > If humans were descended from Kangaroos instead of apes, what would our > society be like ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) "Big tail" and "deep pocket" jokes abound } 09) Basketball hoops would be forty five feet off the ground } 08) Australia, "The Cradle of Life" would be constantly wracked } with religious wars } 07) 89% of the population is named "Joey" } 06) After 10,000 years the horror of recreational Koala Bear stomps } and the problem of anti-wallaby bigotry still not resolved } 05) Chairs never get invented } 04) Jesus dies from blood loss after having his tailed hacked } off with a machete, not from being hung on a cross } 03) Clowns wear hilarious itty-bitty shoes } 02) 'Mickey Human' is the most popular cartoon character of all } time } 01) Kangaroos innate inability to walk backward causes hundreds of } thousands to die of starvation each year in small cramped } apartment bathrooms } } You owe the Oracle some boxing gloves. --- 1186-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I really The One? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, which makes your significant other The Zero. } } The Oracle advises against pointing that out to them. } } You owe the Oracle a nice motherboard.