From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 8 19:13:58 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id SAA00812; Sun, 8 Oct 2000 18:39:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 18:39:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200010082339.SAA00812@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1185 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1185 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1185 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000 18:39:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1185 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1180 67 votes 2cko9 2dkma 5iz63 gqh62 1hqf8 amic5 8iffb 3fvg2 0dojb bmgd5 1180 3.0 mean 3.4 3.4 2.8 2.3 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.0 3.4 2.7 --- 1185-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to be a Country and Western singer, but I don't want to sing > about "my honey done left me and my dawg done died." Are there any > other good themes in that genre? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are no good themes within the genre, musical misery is the aim } and is demonstrated both in the arrangement and the lyrics. } } The other country themes are: } } My automobile } } How I ended up in the state pen } } neither makes for much inspiration... } } If you really must afflict the world with your vocals, the Oracle } recommends breaking the mould, take your inspiration from real life } or failing that Jerry Springer. sample lyrics: } } I was asked on Jerry Springer, } was sure I'd be ok, } I was asked on Jerry Springer. } And now my wife is Gay. } } I married me a stripper } Her mom she is a ho' } Her best friend's lesbian } I never saw their show } } I took up my shotgun, } Got in my pickup truck } Drove me down to mawmaw's } to kill that little *bleep* } } Mawmaw's teenaged boyfriend } he tackled me outside } thats when ole duke got shot } mans best friend done died } } etc } } This way you encompas all country themes draw in factors familliar to } your intended audiance and have infinite possibilities for infidelities } deaths, destruction, and pets. } } You owe the Oracle a rethink on that job in McDonalds. --- 1185-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle wise: > Why do Haikus make me sad? > I don't understand. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Haikus make you sad? } Perhaps you should try lowkus } They may cheer you up! } } Lowkus are haikus } With not so lofty subjects. } Here are two good ones: } } A spring robin hangs } From the frozen maple branch } He's been there since fall. } } New smells reach my nose. } From whence they came, no one knows. } Perhaps Gary's clothes? } } Are you smiling now? } If not, it is the meter, } that makes you depressed. } } If you feel better, } Then it's the high-brow factor. } Try reading some Seuss. } } You owe a book of } Booger and garbage lowkus } To the Oracle --- 1185-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle most wise, will i find what i'm looking for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will find it when you stop looking. Allow me to illustrate with } the following koan: } } If you have ice cream, I will give you some. } If you have no ice cream, I will not. } } This is known as the ice cream koan. --- 1185-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey great one, I bow before thee and such things and so on, > > How do I stop falling before I hit the ground? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since you're in a hurry - what with your parachutes having failed } and all - see that lake to your left? } } You _just_ have time if you steer toward it.... NOW! } } Oh... hey... those are Ice Skaters! } } You would have owed the Oracle a large bass. --- 1185-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, bountiful, and all that other stuff.... > > In the course of an ordinary day, a question arose that completely > baffled me. So, naturally, I logged onto the computer and put it to > work. I calculated mass, trajectory, the gross national product, > certain variables of space and time, the number of firing neurons at > three in the morning (both with and without the coffee factor,) did > hours of research on the internet, and finally came up with this > inescapable conclusion: > > Men aren't from the same planet women are. > > The problem is, I don't have enough of a system to research further. > All answers point towards the fact that not only are they from a > different planet, they may be from a different universe, and possibly > from a different dimension, or all three. In the interests of > science, what are the signs I should look for in order to push this > project to it's end and come up with a inarguable theory? > > Thanks, > A Puzzled Theoretic Scientist And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle: Class, what is the main problem with this query? } } Student #1: It goes on for too long! } } TIO: Please elaborate. } } Student #1: He talks and talks about this great theory he's concocting, } but instead of asking what dimension people are from or what the } quickest route is, he keeps rambling! And then when he finally does } shut up and get down to the nitty gritty, he goes and asks the wrong } question! } } Student #2: Well, maybe he just likes to do all his own work. } } Student #3: Yeah, unlike -some- people I could mention. } } TIO: But ...? } } Student #4: But he admits the limitations of his own system. He says } that there's no way he would be able to calculate properly with his } current capabilities. He's dead in the water! } } Student #1: See? Then he -does- ask the wrong question! } } Student #5: Well maybe he's just a sexist pig. } } TIO: I beg your pardon? } } Student #5: It's obvious. He's just some geek who obviously doesn't } know how to talk to a woman, much less date one, so he comes up with } some crazy theory, saying "Oh, men and women are so different; oh, } they're from different planets, that's why they don't understand each } other; oh my gosh, I can't fathom the woman's soul." Please. Women } are about as deep as flatware. } } Student #2: Hey! } } Student #5: Er, no offense. } } Student #1: Besides, he says it's all scientifically based. Maybe it } started out as a pet theory, and maybe he is a geek who doesn't know } any better, but this has changed into science. } } TIO: And of course we all know how infallible human science is. } } [class erupts in laughter] } } Student #6: [chuckling] Wormholes! } } Student #3: [guffawing] Super-strings! } } Student #4: [bent over, barely able to breathe] Dark matter! } } [yet more laughter] } } [much, much later, when the class has quieted down...] } } TIO: [still smirking] And so we see the main problem with this query: } it's based on the "scientific" assumption that there's such thing as an } inarguable theory. } } ***RIIIIIIIIING*** } } TIO: And that's all the time we have today. You owe it to the Oracle } to read chapters three and four, and write a satirical essay entitled } "What's Wrong With Human Science," due Monday. --- 1185-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why is it that so few super-heros have a normal love life ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it all broke down when Spiderman refused to kill the bug in } the bathroom for philosophical reasons. } } You owe the Oracle a really, really big rolled up newspaper. --- 1185-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, who can bend rivers with his bare hands, > Change the course of mighty steel, > And who, disguised as himself, > Fights for truth ... and, er, answers, and, um ... > > Okay, so what -do- you fight for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A seat on the bus every morning. } } You owe The Oracle a job closer to home. --- 1185-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose soul still burns, whose legend will never die, please > tell this, your most humble servant, this: > > Do all of the characters have third costumes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the budget was a little light this year, what with the fire } in the gymnasium and that PTA lawsuit over a certain illicit ingredient } in Ms. Pope's holiday brownies. Therefore, the characters will all have } one-third costumes. } } You owe the Oracle the front and middle of the horse. --- 1185-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most morally upright & virtuous Oracle, my fairest, my espoused, > my latest found, Heaven's last, best gift, my ever-new delight! > > How does disarmament differ from walking around nude? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Disarmament separates you from your phallic substitute. Walking around } nude shows the world why you need one. --- 1185-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whaddya mean, "42???" My calculations show that the answer is 26! > I've checked very thoroughly, and it's right! So where do you get off > with 42?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, use whatever tire pressure you feel comfortable with. } } It's *your* Ford Explorer.