From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 8 10:35:50 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id KAA29053; Fri, 8 Sep 2000 10:05:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 10:05:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200009081505.KAA29053@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1180 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1180 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1180 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 10:05:36 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1180 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1175 66 votes 2glk7 2dkn8 28sl7 7qr42 5djef 25ire 4dsg5 jvc31 5cpea g8gh9 1175 3.1 mean 3.2 3.3 3.3 2.5 3.3 3.7 3.1 2.0 3.2 2.9 --- 1180-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most people seem to want the truth from their Oracles. We know, of > course, that the Oracles of ancient Greece and Rome gave truth so > enigmatic as to me nearly useless. > > So what I need is lies. Yes, LIES! No enigmas for me. No enemas or > eczemas either, just plain, bald, bare-faced lies! Please tell me > several. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That was truly an interesting question. } I've never had a supplicant that is so polite and well-mannered before. } Your use of the wordplay "enema" and "eczema" was very funny. } I hope you continue to use the Oracle at every available opportunity. } } You owe the Oracle a check that is in the mail. --- 1180-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Flabulous Oracle, your vastness astounds me even in my sleep. My > eyeballs roll out and tap dance on the floor every time I fail to hear > your name. > > Here's my quuestion: > > I belong to one of the new start-up religions. We were founded in > 1994, and are growing slowly. Our saintly leader has a goal that we > will have 80,000 members by next year. We currently have 17. I > audaciously suggested to him that we could have millions, if only we > could convert the Pope. Well, of course he told me to go and do that. > Me and my big mouth. How will I convert the Pope? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm, a tricky one. Before you pop down to Rome to do the sales job } on old JP-II, we need to compare and contrast exactly what is on offer: } } Founded: } } Roman Catholic church: Middle of 1st Century AD, by the Apostles } Church of Everlasting Entrapology: 1994, by Alan F. Hammerstein } ("Al"), ex-corporate psychologist. } } Current Membership: } } RC: 860 million } CEE: 17 } } Organisational Structure: } } RC: The Pope is supreme head of the church. 100 or more Cardinals are } responsible for either geographical regions around the world, or } particular functions within the Vatican administration. Each country is } divided in a number of dioceses, with a Bishop at its head, further } divided into a number of parishes, with a parish Priest and possibly a } number of Curates and Deacons. } CEE: Al. } } Senior Management: } } RC: Exclusively male, mostly Italian. } CEE: Al's wife Andrea, ex aroma-therapist. } } Primary Recruitment method: } } RC: Conception by Catholic parents. } CEE: Leafletting in the local mall and at sporting events. } } Acolytes: } } RC: Numerous orders of monks and nuns, Swiss guards. } CEE: You. } } Major beliefs: } } RC: Jesus Christ as the risen Lord. } CEE: Al was abducted by aliens and they will return soon to take the } rest of us. } } Object(s) of worship: } } RC: The Holy Trinity of the Father, the Son (aka Jesus Christ) and the } Holy Spirit. Special respect and veneration reserved for Mary, the } mother of Jesus, and a large number of saints. } ECC: Al and the alien race who abducted him. } } Notable past members: } } RC: St. Peter, St. Paul, St Augustine, etc. } ECC: Greg, Al's former business partner and second-in-command, who now } heads the "Reformed Church of Everlasting Entrapology". } } Sects: } } RC: Various Eastern churches in communion with the main Catholic } church; numerous orders of monks and nuns; secret catholic societies } such as Opus Dei. } ECC: Greg, prior to the great schism of 1999. } } Uniform: } } RC: Senior staff wear various types of robe and fancy headgear for } formal occasions, informal dress is typically black with a white } dog-collar. No specified dress code for normal members. } ECC: Flowing shiny purple robes, 3in high bright green platform shoes } and a large yellow hemispherical hat. } } Headquarters: } } RC: The Vatican City, an independent enclave of Rome. Contains some of } the worlds finest architecture, sculpture and other artwork. } ECC: Al and Andrea's house, 1472 West 23rd Street. } } Long term prospects: } } RC: Excellent. Membership is rising and the next millennium should be } just as good as the first two. } ECC: Poor. Membership in decline since that row Al and Greg had, } distinct lack of interest amongst potential converts. } } Policies: } } RC: Papal infallibility, no birth control. } ECC: Giving all earnings to Al. } } Positions available: } } RC: Trainee priest, monk or nun. Good promotion prospects, long term } contracts, board and lodging included. } ECC: Minion. No promotion possible, bunk bed provided in Al's basement. } } Much as it pains the current incarnation(*) to say it, I think the } Catholics have it in the bag there. Rather than attempting a direct } conversion of the current pontiff, I suggest that you take a more } discreet and long-term approach. Start training for the priesthood } tomorrow. OK, your "saintly" leader's schedule might have to slip a } little, but the Oracle can exclusively reveal that if you study hard, } you should be elected Pope Brad II in February 2048 - just in time } for the arrival of the aliens on Easter Sunday. It'll be interesting } to see exactly how far the whole "papal infallibility" thing will } stretch, as you instruct the entire Roman Catholic communion to await } transportation to the mother ship ... } } You owe the Oracle a Pope-on-a-rope. } } (*) An ex-catholic. Not lapsed. *EX*. Got that? --- 1180-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, > > Would you be willing to sign a one-year contract to play defensive line > (either tackle or end, your choice) for the Green Bay Packers? We need > to plug up some holes on defense... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Hon! They want me to play for the Packers! } } ...[Sigh] The Green Bay Packers... Wisconsin...? Football...? } } ...Knock it off, you sound like a donkey with croup. I could too play! } } ...I would have to get back in shape, lose fif...ten pounds. I played } in high school you know.... } } ...I know I was the equipment manager! One time one of the players was } sick for practice and they let me play. Well I got to stand in the } field while a receiver ran routes by me. } } ...Well, I'm going to do it. Look at these muscles. Hell, I bet I can } still do one handed pushups... } } [*SNAP*] [Ow...crap] } } ...Uh, hon, could you get me the heating pad...please? } } You owe the Oracle a BIG tube of BenGay. --- 1180-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most kaleidoscopic and autarkic, > > When did David Letterman become the kingmaker of America? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And now, from the home office in Bloomington, Indiana: The Top Ten } Answers to the Question "When Did David Letterman Become the Kingmaker } of America?" } } Number 10. ... One word: 1992, } } Number 9. ... When the w**dch***s came back to Capastrano, } } Number 8. ... At the conclusion of the official ceremony at which he } danced around Jay Leno dressed in a loincloth, painted with berry } juice, and screaming "Kill The Pig!" at the top of his lungs, } } Number 7. ... Not until after he was crowned, though he was pretty } much a shoe-in after the swimsuit competition, } } Number 6. ... When he got over 1,000,000 experience points and slew } the previous kingmaker of America, } } Number 5. ... He's not. You're thinking of Jesse "The Body" Ventura, } } Number 4. ... After much contract negotiation, when he finally agreed } to play the Masturbating Bear on Conan, } } Number 3. ... When Triumph the Insult Comic Dog pooped on the } Electoral College, } } Number 2. ... When Paul Schaefer became Queen. } } And the number one answer to the question "When Did David Letterman } Become the Kingmaker of America?" } } Number 1. ... It was one of the aftereffects of the wave of } popularity of the "Stupid Royalty Tricks" segment of his show. } } You owe the Oracle the complete works of Arsenio Hall. --- 1180-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most likely Oracle, > > How can I tell this answer is from you and not an evil demon that > intercepted the message? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Thank you for your query. } } Here at Oracle Inc we employ a large number of demons imps and } otherworldly creatures within our network, we have a very thorough } vetting procedure and all employees are contractually obliged to } forswear evil and evildooing during normal office hours. } } Despite the nasty rumours in the popular press that diabolic } entities are exploiting various loopholes in their contracts and } being evil while working overtime, we have found no evidence of any } such activities. } } Please rest assured that all communications come through officially } sanctioned channels and that we do our utmost to prevent evil from } corrupting the answers. } } Yours sincerely, } } The Internet Oracle } } P.S You owe the Oracle the still beating heart of your firstborn child --- 1180-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, you know, if you put a lot of those little signs together, it } looks like a Zipper from RC Pro Am on the NES >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> } } Wow, I remember my NES. All those hours I spent playing Super Mario } Brothers, and Metroid, and Zelda 1 and 2.... I liked Zelda 2, even } though it was a side-scroller instead of the overhead view of 1, 2, and } 4. You know, The Ocarina of Time is closer to a side-scroller than to } those overhead games, but people don't seem to mind *that* difference } in perspective. I think the main difference is that Zelda 2 used } spells instead of having a million different items. } } But I digress. } } It was on the NES that I first played console RPGs... first the } somewhat-unimpressive Dragon Warrior, leading eventually to the one } that got me permanently hooked: Final Fantasy. A mere shell of the } games that would follow, it nevertheless provided many hours of fun and } enjoyment for me. From there, I devoured every NES RPG there was, even } mixed-breed ones like The Magic of Scherezade and Little Ninja } Brothers. Even oddball ones like Destiny of an Emperor, Capcom's first } RPG (don't let anyone tell you that Breath of Fire was the first). } Further, it was a *historical* RPG, set in China - no monsters here, } just roving bacnds of bandits instead of random monsters, with the } occassional battle with a general, most of whom you could recruit to } your side. There were a few sequels, actually, but they were never } released in America. } } I played the NES to death, even after I got the SNES. A lot of my old } games don't work anymore, sadly, having been the victim of } "Nintendoitis". But I'll never forget those fun times I had at the end } of the 8-bit era of videogaming. } } Oh, and next time, ask a question. --- 1180-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnibenevolent Oracle Supreme, please > tell me: > > Which is *really* the better database, and why? Oracle8i or SQL > Server? I trust that in your Infinite Dispassionate Impartiality, you > won't pick Oracle just because of its name, nor will you refuse SQL > Server just because it's made by Micro$oft. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hard for me to say, I don't use either of them. } } Sure, they're both pretty darn good at managing vast arrays of } data, but considering that I'm omniscent, they're really pretty } useless. I know the answer to any complex query by merely } asking myself. } } Sadly, there are the skeptics and accountants amoung us that } refuse to believe any answer without mountains of interesting } looking, irrelevant data. And let me tell you, the ONLY way to } churn out excess meaningless clutter is by using an NIMDb, a } Near Infinite Monkey Database. } } A few SQL (Simian Query Language) statements and it spews out } reams of various associations, cross tabulations and other } etheral bits of gobbledeegook that whole universities are } founded and collapsed trying to make sense of it all. } } Of course sometimes it backfires on me. I remember once when } some goof from Stratford upon Avon asked me for a summation of } ancient Danish heraldry. Do you think I got any credit when he } turned it into a play? Heck no! } } Ok, so he had to rewrite bits of it, but I've got a copy of the } original I handed to him sitting right here. You tell me if this } isn't better.. } } Enter Horatio and Marcellus from tire swing. } } Fran. I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who is there? } Fran. beats chest and bares teeth. } Hor. Friends to this ground. } Hor. slaps ground with open palm. } Mar. And liegemen to the Dane. } Fran. Give you good night. } Mar. offers to groom Fran. } Mar. O, farewell, honest soldier. } Who hath reliev'd you? } Fran. Bernardo hath my place. } Give you good night. } Fran Exit swinging from vine. } } Mar. Holla, Bernardo! } Mar. inverted, waves foot. } Ber. Say- } What, is Horatio there ? } Hor. flings fruit playfully at Ber. } Hor. A piece of him. } } Ber. Welcome, Horatio. Welcome, good Marcellus. } Ber. inspects self. } Mar. What, has this thing appear'd again to-night? } Ber. I have seen nothing. } Ber. continues inspecting self. } Mar. Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy, } And will not let belief take hold of him } Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us. } Therefore I have entreated him along, } With us to watch the minutes of this night, } That, if again this apparition come, } He may approve our eyes and speak to it. } Mar. begins leaping into the air and howling. } Hor. Tush, tush, 'twill not appear. } Mar. settles a bit and simply thrashes } foliage with a branch. } Ber. Sit down awhile, } Placates Mar. by shaking outstreached fist. } And let us once again assail your ears, } That are so fortified against our story, } What we two nights have seen. } Hor. Well, sit we down, } And let us hear Bernardo speak of this. } All sit, Hor. begins to groom Mar. } Ber. Last night of all, } When yond same star that's westward from the pole } Had made his course t' illume that part of heaven } Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, } The bell then beating one- } } Enter Ghost, a very very large monkey clutching } a screaming maiden. } } All leap up in a great cry with bold whoops } Mar. begins to fling dung at Ghost } Mar. Peace! break thee off! Look where it comes again! } maiden screams louder, a slow smile } spreads across the Ghosts face. } } Ber. In the same figure, like the King that's dead. } Mar. briskly slaps Hor. head } Mar. Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio. } Ber. Looks it not like the King? Mark it, Horatio. } Ghost scratches self and } begins smelling same finger } Hor. Most like. It harrows me with fear and wonder. } Ber. It would be spoke to. } Ghost yawns mightily, maiden faints } Mar. Question it, Horatio. } Horatio cautiously approaches Ghost's foot. } Touches the toe and runs back screaming. Mar. } beats Hor. with open fists } until Hor. returns to Ghost. } Hor. What art thou that usurp'st this time of night } Together with that fair and warlike form } In which the majesty of buried Denmark } Did sometimes march? By heaven I charge thee speak! } Hor. in fit of rage, } throws more dung at Ghost. } Mar. It is offended. } Ber. See, it stalks away! } There is much thrashing of foliage by } Mar., Ber., and Hor. } Hor. Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee speak! } Exit Ghost } } Beautiful, and it would still pack the theaters. } } You owe the Oracle alas poor Yorick, a gibbon of infinite jest... --- 1180-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, finally, an intelligent question. } } It's really quite simple. You start with a hyperdense quark-gluon } plasma at a temperature of about 30 trillion quintillion degrees, } apply Schroedinger's equation and a bit of quantum gravity, integrate } from minus infinity to plus infinity in all spatial dimensions, with } the bounding conditions of a finite, but unbounded, universe, and } from zero to 12 billion years in time. } } The inescapable conclusion, written in the Big Bang and the laws of } nature themselves, is that you were always destined to be a loser. } } You owe the Oracle a buck fifty, I know it's all you have on you. --- 1180-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is microsoft so lame yet, so popular? > > ____________________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get your free @yahoo.co.uk address at http://mail.yahoo.co.uk > or your free @yahoo.ie address at http://mail.yahoo.ie And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Meet The Masses. } } This is Mr. Mass. And Mrs. Mass and their little Mass. } } So folks, what is your favorite food? } } "McDonald's Hamburger" } } And your favorite TV show? } } "Survivor" } } And your car? } } "Taurus" } } And your favorite author? } } [ long pause ] } } "Stephen King" } } And what it your favorite movie? } } "Whatever is making the most money at any given moment" } } Your favorite character in Greco-Roman Mythology? } } [ long pause ] } } "Can we use our lifeline on that one?" } } You owe the Oracle 5 billion metric tons of sheep feed. --- 1180-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest > This ain't no jokin' around > No time for humor, or rhodite posting > I ain't got time for that now And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heard of a queue that is loaded with questions, } packed up and ready to go } Heard of some rhodites, out by the highway, } a place where nobody knows } The sound of laughter, off in the distance, } I'm causing none of it now } Worked in a cubefarm, worked in an office, } I've worked all over this town } } > This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest } > This ain't no jokin' around } > No time for humor, or rhodite posting } > I ain't got time for that now } } Transmit the question, to the Kinzler, } hope for an answer some day } I got three woodchucks, a couple of nulls, } you don't even know my real name } High on Python, the geeks are chuckling, } but most of my answers are droll } I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nightime } I might not ever get home } } > This ain't no in-joke, this ain't no digest } > This ain't no jokin' around } This ain't no oracle, or T.M.Q.D. } > I ain't got time for that now } } You owe the Oracle an extension to this deadline.