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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1175
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=== 1175 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1175
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 19:06:53 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    1175
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1170  77 votes aksd6 3krl6 5bqr8 26pue cqob4 0dord anud1 18tqd bflhd fkgh9
1170  3.1 mean  2.8   3.1   3.3   3.6   2.6   3.5   2.6   3.5   3.1   2.8

--- 1175-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most resilient and adamant,
>
> What is in your wallet right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now...
}
} Twelve dollars, crumpled,
} Eleven women's numbers,
} Ten old business cards,
} Nine picts of Lisa,
} Eight "lost" queries,
} Seven quarters, tarnished,
} Six day-old answers,
} Five Wayward Priests,
} Four forms of I.D.,
} Three charge cards,
} Two movie passes,
} And a file in a dev/null tree.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle a thing.  I've been meaning to clean that out
} since Christmas, apparently.

--- 1175-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, answer a question that's been plaguing me for a while. It's now
> 12:42am, EST. Is there only one other denizen of the Oracle turf at the
> moment, and if so, are we going to end up trading tellmes and askmes
> for the rest of the night and slowly get to know each other through
> them, like one of those foreign "human condition" films?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, now THAT's an idea!  Only lose the foreign film angle, we need
} something more marketable, like a romantic comedy...
}
} The Oracle Replies
} A true story of love in unexpected places.
} Starring Meg Ryan as the Supplicant and Tom Hanks as the Incarnation...
}
} (SCENE: Inside a dark computer lab.  The Supplicant, an attractive
} college girl in unwashed jeans and a T-shirt sits hunched over a
} keyboard, typing furiously.)
}
} SUPPLICANT: (muttering to herself as she types for the benefit of
} illiterate audience members)  Oh Oracle most wonderfully wise and
} comforting, whom I love more than life itself...  Can we finally meet
} each other, in person, tonight?
}
} (In a Manhattan high-rise apartment, a well-dressed businessman, the
} Incarnation, leans back and stares at his PC.)
}
} INCARNATION: (reading) The Oracle requres an answer... (opens file) Ah!
} (quickly starts typing a reply) Yes, of course.  Please, tell me where
} you live, and I'll meet you there, my love.
}
} (Back in the computer lab, the Supplicant's eyes widen with delight.)
}
} SUPPLICANT: The Oracle replies! (reads message, begins typing) Yes,
} dear, I live in Apartment XX at XXXX Suchandsuch Street. I'll be
} waiting for you. Oh, I can't wait to put my arms around you and hold
} you tight... (sends message)
}
} (Meanwhile, across town, a Flea-Ridden Bum, played by Adam Sandler, has
} broken into a computer store and is playing with one of the laptops.)
}
} BUM: Hey, check out this danged Oracle thing... Ooh, I think I'll send
} an askme... (his e-mail program flashes) Hey, The Oracle requires an
} answer! (opens it, stares)  All right!  (runs out the door)
}
} Okay, okay, so maybe the Internet Oracle isn't the best medium to hold
} an online romance on...
}
} You owe the Oracle a more anonymous method of communication.  If you
} look anything like Meg Ryan, that is.

--- 1175-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement <R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why did they vote off Gretchen last week? She rocks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not watch stupid reality-based TV on CBS.  Why?
}
} Because he's too busy producing his own!
}
} BIG ORACLE
}
} Fifteen attractive young priests must live together in one temple
} located somewhere in Indiana; each must avoid getting ZOTed into
} radioactive ash by the Big Oracle!  (None of that wussy democratic
} stuff here.)  The sole survivor at the end receives the title of
} Oracular Chief Priest and $5.00!
}
} In tomorrow's episode...
}
} It's been a grueling time for our priestly family.  Now we're done to
} the last two participants, Steve Kinzler and Zadoc!  Each is having a
} private conversation with the Big Oracle's cameras right now, pleading
} for their survival...
}
} STEVE:  Hey, c'mon, Orrie!  You know everyone likes me better!  Didn't
} I get you this temple in the first place?  Didn't I set up all your
} communications systems and everything?  Didn't I create the whole
} Priesthood, and post your wisdom onto the Internet, and basically run
} the whole show for you here?  And if you think you can just ZOT me for
} some fictional in-joke character, you're wrong, OK?  People won't stand
} for it.  This whole thing will fall apart without me, you know that.
}
} ZADOC: Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please don't ZOT me
} oh please oh please oh please oh wise and great and wonderful Oracle
} I'll do anything you want I'm your most loyal in-joke oh please oh
} please oh please...
}
} BIG ORACLE (booming over the loudspeakers): Steve, you have a good
} point, but I like Zadoc's groveling better.  Plus, he's a fictional
} character and so requires no food, water, or rest.  And, of course, my
} gigantic narcissism prevents me from playing second fiddle to anybody,
} least of all some human who claims to be my creator.  It's been fun,
} Steve, but...
}
} ZOT!
}
} All right, Zadoc, you're officially Chief Priest now, and here's the
} five bucks...
}
} ZADOC: Oh thank you thank you thank you, master, thank you...
}
} That's enough bootlicking, Zadoc, now why don't you go and take over
} the Oracle computer systems from Steve?
}
} ZADOC: Um... I don't exactly know how, oh wise and powerful master.  I
} thought you did.
}
} Uh-oh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a state-of-the-art molecular reassembler, pronto.
} Or a really good sysop, whichever is easier to find.

--- 1175-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and patient, whose long-suffering with us humans is
> reknown through the quadrant, please tell me,
>
> Why are so many of your incarnations embittered and beligerent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you get an answer you don't care for then wait a week and send
} it in again. Complaining here does nothing constructive.
}
} If the answer you get the second time does not in any way, shape
} or form amuse you then wait a year and then resubmit it again.
}
} If the answer you get the third time doesn't have you rolling
} on the floor with laugher, clutching your sides gasping for
} breathe between thunderous guffaws, then please wait one decade
} and then resubmit once more.
}
} If that answer still is not the funniest thing you've ever read
} in any language, on any continent, at any time of the day or
} night then we'll refund your original tribute back to you with
} NO QUESTIONS ASKED!
}
} You the Oracle an interest free loan of $10,000 payable at the
} end of ten years.

--- 1175-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's the difference between a great white shark with eczema and a
> multicolored plastic beach ball?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sally's first and last trip to the beach culminated with a question
} that would haunt Bobby's dreams for the rest of his life.

--- 1175-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, tell me....
>
>   What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DMV Clerk:
} Next!
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Yes, I would like to renew my license.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Application?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Right here.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} You left the "Hair" box blank.
}
} DMV Applicant:
} That's because my head is blank.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Excuse me?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Well you can see that I'm bald, can't you?
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Let's not get rude sir. What color is your hair?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Let's see... um... I don't know BECAUSE I'M BALD!
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Calm down sir. I can see you're bald. What color was your hair BEFORE
} you went bald.
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Green.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Green?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Yes. Green. I went through a punk phase.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} *sigh* Ok, what color was it before it was green?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Blue.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Blue?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Blue, yes. Same phase.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Before THAT?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Pink. Anime phase.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} And before that?!
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Black.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} You're sure now?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Oh yes, quite sure. Definitely black.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Fine, I'll just mark down "black" here in...
}
} DMV Applicant:
} But that's because I dyed it and jerry-curled it.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} What?!
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Well, it was the 80's. Everyone wanted to be Michael Jackson.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Let's try this again. What color was your hair in your high school
} yearbook photo?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} What year?
}
} DMV Clerk:
} AARG! What color was your hair when you were born?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} I didn't have hair when I was born.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} On your first birthday?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Oh, right then. Brown.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Your natural hair color is brown?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} No, it was brown because...
}
} DMV Clerk:
} Nevermind. I don't want to know. What is your natural hair color?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Um... you know, I've plum forgotten.
}
} DMV Clerk:
} We'll just put "bald" down then, shall we?
}
} DMV Applicant:
} Very Good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Yes, please" option under "sex."

--- 1175-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  How about here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, take a step back...
}
} No, a little further back -- I want to get both you and the canyon in
} the shot. Back, back, just a bit further. This is the last picture on
} the roll, and I don't want to waste it. OK, take a step to the left.
} No, sorry, I meant my left. Right, good. No, I meant 'correct', not
} right. Go back to the left. You were blocking the sign. Yeah, that's
} better. Now just take two more steps back, and...
}
} <Click>
}
} Excellent. The expression on your face as you fell off the edge will be
} perfect on my Christmas cards this year.

--- 1175-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> As they do in the military, to show respect with a formal prescribed
> gesture such as raising the hand to the forehead, I salute you!
>
> Will Bill Clinton get to bomb one more third world nation before his
> term is up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}    This question is not as strait forward as you believe it is. For the
} ability for Clinton to bomb third world countries is not dependant
} on the availability of third world countries suitable for bombing,
} but is rather dependant upon the availability of chunky female interns.
}    You see without these female interns our dear president is unable to
} divert attention from his master plan of building a new American
} Empire.
}    So you see, Mr. Clinton's plan to extend America's greatness far
} into the future (by aquiring desease infested banana republics)
} actually hinges on the willingness of patriotic american youths to
} involve themselves with him romantically.  If you are a chunky female
} intern, or are merely willing to play one on T.V., you can influence
} the answer to your own question and secure America's future.
}
} You owe the Oracle one article of clothing with an unidentified stain.

--- 1175-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Bit backlogged, are we?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some questions are too personal, DON'T YOU THINK?!!
}
} NOW CLOSE THE DOOR AND GET OUTTA HERE!
}
} <grumble,grumble>
}
} Make yourself available to answer their questions and after a
} millennium or two they think they're part of the family!

--- 1175-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is your modem baudy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Super funky back beat, BASS to the max! ]
}
} Download! Get Down! Download! Get Down!
}
} I be downloadin' porn from evening til morn
} My mouse it be shiny and my keyboard is worn
}
} I the naughty modem lord, downloadin' them naughty bits,
} Giga bytes all nights of hiney and tits
}
} My modem is baudy as it stims my brain `n my body
} it's lights wink at me as it uplinks real naughty
}
} Download! Get Down! Download! Get Down!
}
} [ Music stops. ]
}
} Orrie: Well?
}
} Lisa: That will go down as the single worse song
}       you've ever written.
}
} Orrie: You just want me to take that Hong Kong
}        futures trading job.
}
} [ Lisa touches the tip of her nose and then
}   points at the Oracle. ]