From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jun 25 22:08:01 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id VAA06619; Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:41:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:41:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200006260241.VAA06619@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1169 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1169 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1169 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 21:41:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1169 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1164 80 votes 6lmm9 7kuj4 16hDh 4boqf cbijk ivh95 6etjc 6fpnb cajep 2gAm4 1164 3.2 mean 3.1 2.9 3.8 3.5 3.3 2.4 3.2 3.2 3.4 3.1 --- 1169-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you want to see the future of the queue, imagine a funny joke being > crushed under the heel of a boot, forever... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This week on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" - Picard and the } crew of the Enterprise stave off the boredom of deep space by } answering questions for The Internet Oracle [TM]. } ---- } } "Mr. Data, I thought we were supposed to receive a question } from the supplicant, not a prediction for the future." } } "Yes, sir." } } "And where's the grovel? Isn't there supposed to be a grovel } before the question? I was rather looking forward to a nice } grovel." } } "Yes, sir. This query does not match the prescribed formulation } as it was presented in the help file on the subject." } } Geordi looked up from his post. "Maybe this isn't really a } question from a supplicant, Captain." } } "You think we've intercepted a secret message, instead? You } could be right. Data, did the PGP signature match the one we } have on file for the Internet Oracle?" } } "Checking, sir." Data made a few entries on his terminal. "I } believe I have the answer, sir. It appears that --" } } "Johnny! How good to see you again!" } } "Q! Dammit, I should have known you were behind this." } } "And I'm so happy to see you again too, mon capitan." Q sidled } up to Picard and leered appreciatively. } } "So what do you want this time, Q?" } } "I thought I would liven up the Oracularities a little. They've } been so staid and boring lately, you know - reminds me a little } bit of a certain starship captain I know, actually." } } "Q!" Picard said in exasperation. } } "Oh right, right. That little message you got - we're having a } little contretemps in the Continuum again, just a minor tiff, } mind you, and this is my latest response. What do you think?" Q } looked like an eager new author waiting for his first reviews. } } "It stinks. Now get off my bridge and stop cluttering up the } queue, Q." } } ---- } Next week, on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Picard and Q } elope and move to Las Vegas, and leave the Enterprise drifting } aimlessly in space, rather like this response. Ask a real } question next time, supplicant, please. --- 1169-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My cat always watches me shave. She is fascinated by it. Tell me, > what is she thinking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Blood,blood,blood,blood,blood. } Blood,blood. } Blood,blood,blood,blood,blood. --- 1169-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you want to see the future of the queue, imagine a funny joke being > crushed under the heel of a boot, forever... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That reminds me - I heard this great joke the other day. You'll love } it! It goes like this - David Beckham gets onto this plane and... } } Oh, you probably don't know who David Beckham is if you're not a Brit. } That's the problem with these global networks. You log on carrying all } your cultural baggage and automatically assume everyone else carries } the same. Baggage, I mean. Well, David Beckham is an English football } player or, should I say, soccer player. He's with the England squad in } Belgium in Euro 2000 even as we speak - except we're not speaking, } obviously, but you know what I mean - and wasn't it great that England } finally managed to beat Germany for the first time in more than 30 } years? Not that it was much of a match, and I suppose the die-hard } jingoists will now be even more insufferably xenophobic than ever, and } all those hooligans rioting rather took the shine off things... } } But I digress. The point about David Beckham is, he's not famous for } being particularly bright. Kind of a proverbial male Essex girl, except } you probably don't know about Essex girls either. They're like } proverbial blondes. So David Beckham jokes are very like blonde jokes, } only the sex is different. Are you with me? } } So, anyway, David Beckham gets on this plane, and walks straight } through the curtains into first class, pops his hand luggage into the } overhead compartment and sits down. The stewardess - sorry, that should } be flight attendant, shouldn't it? Though I can't see what's wrong with } the term stewardess, myself - it sounds rather grand. Anyway, the } flight attendant comes up to him nervously and says, "Excuse me, Sir, } but you've sat down in first class and you only have an economy class } ticket." Upon which Beckham stands up and exclaims indignantly, "Don't } you know who I am?" } } Not that I wish to imply by this that David Beckham is the sort of } person that would carry on in such an overbearing manner. I don't know } the man personally, but I'm sure he and Posh are very charming people } really. Posh, that's his wife. She was one of the Spice Girls, } remember? There was Posh, and Ginger who left, and Scary, and Sleepy } and Sneezy, and I can't remember the other one. I can't remember their } real names either, but most of them were called Mel, weren't they? } Except Posh - she was Victoria or something. Not that it matters, as } the tabloid press always refer to her and her husband as Posh 'n Becks. } } Anyway, for the purposes of this joke, Becks gets all huffy and } indignant when the flight attendant tries to get him to move, and it } looks like there's going to be an unpleasant scene when the man sitting } next to him... Oh yes, I should have said there was a man sitting next } to him. Only he's standing at this point in time of course, but you } know what I mean. I should also have said that David Beckham got on the } plane to fly to New York. That's pretty essential to the joke and I } should really have mentioned it at the start. Kind of ruins it, } otherwise. Sorry about that. But then, if you knew Posh 'n Becks at } all, you would have guessed where he was going anyway. They really love } New York. They called their son Manhattan. Or was it Queens? I forget. } } Not that the son enters into this story. Or Posh, for that matter. What } happens next is that the man sitting next to him - next to Becks, that } is - says to the flight attendant, "Perhaps I can help - I'm a } psychologist." And he leans over to David Beckham and whispers } something in his ear. I guess Beckham has sat down again at this point, } or else the psychologist got up. Anyway, David Beckham instantly takes } his hand luggage out of the overhead compartment and walks back into } economy class, as good as gold. So the flight attendant is really } impressed, and asks the man - that's the man who was sitting next to } Beckham, that is - though not anymore, of course, as Beckham is now in } economy class and sitting next to somebody else entirely - she asks the } man, "What did you say to him?" } } [Two men sit gazing silently at a monitor in a dark, sparsely furnished } room, the flickering light from the screen dancing on their faces. One } has gaunt, cadaverous features; the other a round face, full lips and } steel-rimmed spectacles with tiny, pebble-thick lenses. Both have } closcropped hair and wear baggy, unadorned, dun-coloured uniforms. The } bespectacled man stands up.] } } Bespectacled Man: I've seen enough. } } Gaunt Man: Will you recommend that the Inner Party increase my funding } for this development of Room 101? } } Bespectacled Man: Fool! Look at the way he's writing - he's positively } enjoying himself! I would say your so-called development is a } complete and utter failure. } } [A slight patronising smile tugs at the edge of the gaunt man's narrow } mouth.] } } Gaunt Man: I do apologise - I thought you'd understood. He's not the } one that's in Room 101. } } Bespectacled Man: Oh, I see. Ha, ha - yes, that's very good, O'Brien. } Ha, ha, ha - very good indeed. My word, yes, I think that deserves } extra funding. Ha, ha, ha! } } [The two shake hands, and the bespectacled man leaves the room, still } chuckling. The gaunt man resumes his seat at the monitor.] } } So the psychologist says, "I told him first class wasn't going to New } York!" Geddit? Geddit? So David Beckham - who's not supposed to be very } clever, remember? - believes economy class is going to New York, but } first class isn't. But it's all the same plane! Oh dear, oh dear, oh } dear! That's a good one, isn't it? Cracks me up every time. } } Now, this business about crushing things under the heel of a boot. } That's a bit depressing, isn't it? You know full well Big Brother would } never allow anything like that to happen. Big Brother is your friend... --- 1169-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 70% of the body-mass of a mussel is genitalea. Also, a mussel has two > sexes. Therefore a mussel consists of 2 times 70 = 140% of genitalea. > Why is this? I reckon they have loads of fun.. but how can you see > a mussel is having fun? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a multiple choice Oracularity. Please choose the answer } which BEST elicits an exasperated groan: } } (A) Is that a mollusk in your pocket, or are you just happy to } see me? } } (B) Mussel?! Mussel... [looks it up in dictionary] ...where the } devil are they, mountaineer... mucous... muscle... a mussel: "two } genitalia skilled in having fun". } } (C) Have another Sex-on-the-Beach, baby. It'll help you come out } of your shell. } } (D) I promise, sweetie, oyster respect ya in the morning. } } (E) I don't know what's wrong. Whenever I talk about sex she } clams right up. } } (F) Aw, *shucks*, honey. Seventy percent is only about average. } } (G) That's not a love mussel. *This* is a love mussel. } } } (H) Well, they don't call them BI-valves for nothing! } } (I) I'm sorry, but you've reached the Internet *Oracle*. The } Internet Barnacle is down the hall, third dinghy on the right. } } You owe the Oracle "All of the above." --- 1169-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hullo, love of my life. What might be a good reason to have children? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, my precious! How is life in the black forest treating you these } days? How is that gingerbread house of yours holding up? Yes, yes, I } know all the answers, I was just making polite conversation. } } I haven't heard of any particularly evil or nefarious deed from your } way in quite some time. So perhaps at this stage in your career as a } black witch, having children may be a good option. I am sure the } infamy of such a truly horrible deed will spread your name far and } wide, and once again mothers will remonstrate with their children by } telling horror tales of you, much to their fear and delight. } } Yes, I am sure. Trust me on this one. People will still be talking } about you in years to come. } } This does beg the question "how many children would it be best to } have?" And for you my dear, I will answer this implied question as } well. Two. Definitely. One of each gender. Well, one male and one } female anyway. } } Oh, and if you want a great recipe book on how best to prepare them, } then I have one lying about somewhere. You might want to fatten them } up a little first -- children can be a little lean and stringy } otherwise. } } One more thing: you will need to have a larger oven installed. As a } suggestion, pick an oven that is large enough to contain you (in a } squeeze). That way you can be sure it will hold the two children of } your choice. } } Bon appetit! --- 1169-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, with wit and wisdom beyond Westworld proportions, How did > Wombat man and his capered cascader defeat the orb of left-brain > knowledge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wombat Man warrior, } Sire among supermen, } Damsel-defender and } Victor o'er villains, } Strove with his side-kick, } Capered Cascader, } Fighting a lifelong } Battle for freedom, } Joust against evil, } Ever attentive to } Threats from those scoundrels who } Wage most willingly } War against wallabies, } Murderous madmen that maul marsupials. } } Theirs was a greatness } Got from their Grandmammies-- } } (What's that, my Liege? Skip the intro? 'Tis dragging on somewhat, thou } think'st? If thou desirest it, 'tis done. Let me see now... Ah, yes.) } } Down'd the dingo, } Dash'd the duckbill, } Fell the quaggas } Doom'd to the death. } All laid low by the orb of left-brain, } Brazenly cast aside } Bush kangaroos. } Dark was the hour, } Dreadful our need, } Out from the East like a glorious sunrise } Sprang the saviour. } Ever attentive to } Threats from those scoundrels who } Wage... } } (Oh, I beseech thy pardon. As thou so correctly if nit-pickingly } pointest out, I've done that bit.) } } Wise is Wombat Man, } Woolly his whiskers, } Brave his companion } Capered Cascader, who's one of those creatures } Looking much like a mouse and yet still a marsupial } Though nobody ever remembers its name. } } Mighty the mettlesome } Duo did doughty } Battle, not sparing } The sword-edge one whit. } Heavy their blows and yet } Light were their heads, } Fuell'd by Fosters, } Fiery ambrosia, } Amber that nectar that } Addles the noodle... } } (What's sayest thou presently? Indeed, 'twas not Fosters that was } Wombat Man's favourite brew, 'twas Castlemaine XXXX. But Castlemaine } XXXX is a bugger to alliterate, if thou getst my drift, and who's to } know the difference? Ah, thou art to know the difference. I'faith, my } Liege, 'tis my opinion that they both taste like kookaburra's khyber, } but if it'll make thee happy...) } } Fuell'd by Castlemaine, } Four are its X's } Note, those ain't S's } (Lord, these lines suck). } } Five long days did they weary the war-glaive, } Five long nights neither slumber nor sleep did they, } Feeding the carrion-crow, lifting the life-taker, } Slashing and stabbing. } } Many a carcass was left to be carrion, } Many a livid one, many a sallow-skin; } Left for the white-tail'd eagle to tear it, and } Left for the horny-nibb'd raven to rend it, and } Gave to the garbaging war-hawk to gorge it, and } That gray beast, the wolf of the weald. } } Then the left-brain orb, } Damaged with many dents, } Lubricant leaking out, } Fled from the field; } Wandered back to its home, nobody knows quite where, } Scheming and plotting another strike. } } Wrong-doers who seek out } World domination, } Never quite seem to get } Killed first time round. } Not while there's a chance } (Even a slight one) } The sequel can grab } A few extra groats. } } Ended our grisly tale, } Great is Wombat Man! } Just a few sneaking } Suspicions remain; } Perhaps this "orb of } Left-brain knowledge" } Obscurely refers to some } SF story } Your humble narrator has not as yet read. } If this be the case, I can only conclude that } The Supplicant shall not enjoy what he sees. } If this be the case, all I can say is that } Frankly, my dear, } I don't give a damn. } } Ended our grisly tale, } Great is Wombat Man! } Long may his glory } Live in the songs of the wandering minstrels, } Of whom I am one. } } Surely a huger } Slaughter of heroes } Slain by the sword-edge } (Such as old writers } Have writ of in histories) } Would have occurred had not } Up from the East hither } Wombat Man come to our } Rescue a-riding. } Not forgetting his } Fierce fellow-traveller } Capered Cascader, who's one of those creatures } Looking much like a mouse and yet still a marsupial } Though nobody ever remembers its name. } } (Thank thee, my Liege, thank thee. Thou'rt very kind to say so. Hey, } where's my tip?) --- 1169-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's that smell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Success. } } Don't worry it will be fading presently. --- 1169-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most well-positioned of those who know all, you lacking any > hint of the vile "killing chi" associated with pointed references. I > ask you most humbly and truthfully this, > > How can I best arrange my computer room/den for good Fen Shui? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, for a moment there I thought you were asking about -Feng- Shui, } which is about special positioning of objects and places to increase } overall harmony, which is widely regarded, even by the Chinese, as } nothing more than complete and utter crap. } } Fortunately, you have asked about -Fen- Shui, a completely different } philosophy. Fen, as everyone knows, is one of the Chinese designations } for their currency. Fen Shui, then, must be about the placement of } money to increase your overall harmony. } } This is vital, as nowadays in the world of absurd tax laws, I.R.S. } invasions, and politicians, money must be placed in very special } locations in order to avoid capture. Hiding it your den, or even your } computer room, is extremely limiting, however. You would be far better } off sending it to a tax shelter somewhere, perhaps even opening a Swiss } bank account. } } Nevertheless, hiding money in your house is an option, though not a } particularly ideal one. Avoid wall safes or any obvious trappings of } that sort. They can be pulled out of the house for thieves to pick } open at their leisure. No one is fooled by the oversized reprint of } the Rembrandt; take it back. You will want to store it underground } somewhere, and then place a heavy object (like a filing cabinet, } bookcase, mother-in-law) over it. Make sure that it is not immediately } obvious that you move this heavy object often in order to get to your } money, nor should you go about re-arranging furniture without any other } motivations -- this could be regarded as suspicious behavior, and you } could be subject to a very thorough search. } } You owe the Oracle two hundred fen. --- 1169-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Mr. Oracle, Sir, you with the great flappin' mind, what are some > of the -other- things that you think about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hmmmmmmMMMmMmm ... Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about doing } something about that damned flapping. You ask for a sampling of } my cogitations? Very well then, a sampling you shal have. } } Right now, I'm contemplating -stop that! Damn temporal lobe is acting } up again, I really must have something done about that - that is, } to say, I'm examining the connections between - I wonder what Ani } DiFranco's hair looks like these days? - I mean to say, the study } of the interrelationships of the current market price of bismuth, } which reminds me, Metallica is going to be playing the Centrum week } after next, must get tickets! Well, you see, the price of bismuth } can be expressed as a function of many things, not least of which is } the whitefaced hornet buzzing around me - must sit very very still } until it goes away, but the most important of which is the mean annual } global consumption of kassava. Damn, but Cokie Roberts is looking good } these days! Where was I? Oh yes, I was talking about the paper I'm } producing on the synergistic mutual amplication of the sociopolitical } impacts of Adam Ant's hussar jacket and the retirement of Robert J. } Lurtsema. My theory, you see, is that - oh hell! The damned hornet's } landed on my head. Must move very, very cautiously. Oooh, that } tickles. It's important in this connection to realize that eggs } should always be eaten from the small end first - I simply can't } abide the fact that some people start with the LARGE END ... } } Oh, hell. } } Have to stop now. I got agitated, the hornet got agitated, and now } I need to run and get my EpiPen. } } You owe the Oracle a whitefaced hornets' nest. --- 1169-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's the end of the Oracle > As we know it, > It's the end of the Oracle > As we know it, > And I feel fine! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LAW OFFICES OF DEWEY, CHEATEM, & HOWE } 2002 Avenue of the Americas } New York, NY 10021 } } June 2, 2000 } } Dear Supplicant: } } Your last inquiry was forwarded to our office by The Internet Oracle. } Your question to the Oracle is a violation of the copyright of the song } "End of the World" by our client, REM. } } Consider this notice an official cease and desist until you can provide } this office with a parody license granted by the official licensing } agent for REM. } } You may contact the Licensing agent, a wholly owned subsidiary of } Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, to apply for this license at: } } DC&H Licensing, Inc. } 1400 US Highway 206 } Bedminster, NJ 07921 } } You will need to indicate on your application that your license should } be retroactive to the date of your inquiry to the Oracle. We generally } cross-match our files with the files of DC&H Licensing on a monthly } basis. Your record has been flagged. Please also indicate on your } application code: CD120038823 so your file will be properly accounted } for during the cross-match. } } DC&H Licensing will provide you with an adequate fee for your use of } the lyrics as they see fit. DC&H Licensing is the only authority with } respect to licensing fees and our office cannot change a fee determined } by DC&H Licensing under the terms of our agreement with REM. DC&H } Licensing will be notified of your initial violation of the copyright, } and may subject your license to penalty fees. Penalty fees are } typically less than 1/100th of what court-ordered punitive damages } would be in a case of this type. DC&H Licensing generally reserves the } right to deny applications for parody use. } } Should our cross-match with DC&H Licensing indicate that, after one } month from the date of this letter, you have not applied for a license } for your parody, you will receive a summons, complaint, and subpeona } from our offices for your already-committed violation. If DC&H } Licensing denies your application for parody use, your } already-committed violation will be prosecuted at our discretion. } } If you have any questions, feel free to contact us at the address } above. Remember, we cannot handle applications for licensing. For } licensing inquiries, please contact DC&H Licensing, Inc. at the address } above. } } Thank you for your time. } } JACOB DEWEY } DEWEY, CHEATEM, & HOWE, Attorneys at Law } } cc: Internet Oracle } JD/kre } } PS. The Internet Oracle, another client of ours, requested us to } provide the following addendum to this letter. While it is not an } official portion of the letter detailing your copyright violation and } how you can rectify the situation, we have agreed to add it anyway. } } "You owe the Oracle $6,230,000.00 in punitive and recompensatory } damages."