From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jun 17 10:08:32 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA22022; Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:49:57 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:49:57 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200006171449.JAA22022@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1168 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1168 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1168 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 09:49:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1168 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1163 74 votes jlmb1 bpnc3 7enn7 7qnd5 7jqd9 24lzc gno74 9fok6 9hng9 cno87 1163 2.9 mean 2.4 2.6 3.1 2.8 3.0 3.7 2.5 3.0 3.0 2.7 --- 1168-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ardent Oracle, your intense passion for truth leaves us mortals > gasping for breath and sweaty, > > Is the urge to procreate hardwired or cultural? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither: } } It's a special feature of the shareware version, } once you pay for the long-term upgrade, } the feeling goes away. --- 1168-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Why doesn't the USA buy Baja California? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } July, 2000: Mexico's foolish investment into "dot-coms" surfaces. } Peso crashes. } } August, 2000: US agrees to buy Baja California for $12 billion. } } October, 2000: Deal finalized. Baja California is annexed onto } California. } } January, 2001: Los Angeles, always so appearance-conscious, complains } that the newly annexed territory makes state look } "lame." } } March, 2001: Emergency measure passed to create 51st state from the } region previously known as Baja California. New } states will follow prior convention and be known as } North and South California. } } March, 2001: San Francisco claims that "Northern California" has } always been associated with class and sophistication, } so Los Angeles shouldn't be allowed into the new North } California. } } April, 2001: Los Angeles says "that uppity city of fruits" has no } right claiming they lack class. } } June, 2001: In a surprise move, Fresno claims "it is sick of BOTH } those losers" and wants its own state. } } August, 2001: NBC news reveals secret tapes showing the mayors of } Sacramento, Bakersfield, and Fresno planning a } secession from the state of North California. } } November, 2001: San Diego, sick and tired of the whole thing, applies } for political amnesty in Mexico. Says the mayor: } "It's not like anyone would notice, right?" } } February, 2002: Talks break down. Los Angeles and San Francisco agree } to form a loose alliance against the Inland Empire. } } March, 2003: The US attempts to sell the Californias back to Mexico } after it is discovered that they invested the entire } Federal Budget in "Pokemon: The Second Movie." } } April, 2003: Mexico refutes the offer, with a snicker and the } comment "You wanted it; well, now you got it." } } May, 2003: The LAPD invades Bakersfield. } } June, 2003: In retaliation, 400,000 tons of raisins fall on } downtown San Francisco, paralyzing the city. San } Francisco responds with "Rice-a-roni" bombs. } } July, 2003: WHERE IN HELL DID FRESNO GET NUKES?!? } } August, 2003: The area previously known as Baja California is now } officially renamed "California." The area previously } known as California is now called "the radioactive } wasteland formally known as California." } } You owe the Oracle a box of raisins, a ride on a cable car, and the } destruction of Kevin Costner's next post-apocalyptic movie before it } hits the theaters. --- 1168-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most meritorious Oracle, you are praiseworthy and laudable in the > way you make us laugh with delight while you teach us wondrous > facts! > > How come Christianity is considered a monotheistic, yet Christ and > The Holy Ghost and God are portrayed as three entities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Cue Music and Opening Titles] } } LEAVE IT TO JESUS } } Starring Wally Cox as God... } } ...Beverly D'Angelo as June... } } ...Tony Dow as the Holy Ghost... } } ...and Jerry Mathers as the Jesus. } } [OPENING SCENE: Living room of the God's suburban split level. Jesus is } on God's knee.] } } JESUS: I was at school today and Lumpy said that Christianity isn't } really monotheistic. } } GOD: Did you strike him dead like I taught you? } } JESUS: Nah. He owes me ten bucks. } } [Cue Canned laughter] } } JESUS: So, what'd he mean by that anyway? } } GOD: Well, son, your friend Lumpy is about as intelligent as Pauly } Shore. Monotheism is the worship by mortals of a single God. Clearly, } he assumes the Holy Trinity to be three Gods. } } JESUS: Well, I know you're a God. I see you blush a little during all } those awards shows. But aren't me and H.G. Gods too? } } GOD: No, son. You kids are icons of Christianity. I am the one true } God. } } JESUS: What about Superman? } } [Laugh track] } } GOD: I'd kick his Kryptonite ass. Batman, too. } } [Laugh track] } } GOD: Look, if Lumpy, or anyone else starts spouting off drivel like } that, wave your hand like this [waves hand] and have Mr. Plague visit } them. [Beat] See? I just gave a con artist in Singapore Anthrax. } } [Laugh track] } } HOLY GHOST [springing out from the kitchen]: Boo! } } [GOD, JESUS & H.G. all laugh heartily into first commercial break] } } You owe the Oracle the lost episode of "My Martyr, The Car." --- 1168-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This virus works on the honour system > > Please forward this mail to everyone in your Address > Book and delete all the files from your hard disk. > > Thanks you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Man, what a bummer. You come into work once a week and start up your } email program to discover this? Another of those clever email virii? } Well, don't start deleting just yet. We have a really exciting new } product for you. No, man, not that stuff. That's illegal except for } medicinal purposes. No, man, I'm talking about... } } NORTON SALMON'S ANTI-VIRUS VIRUS CHECKER } (by Salmontik) } } Using our amazing conversational algorithms, the latest version } (approximately) will talk the virus into giving itself up, place it in } special computer handcuffs, and place it in a special holding cell on } your hard drive. Then, two computer cops will interrogate the virus and } attempt to extract important information on the source of the virus. } Once the information is extracted, using our patented good cop/bad cop } method, the virus will then use the internet to apprehend the source of } the virus and lock it up for good. } } On the virus's trial date, if the virus hasn't jumped bail and headed } for Canada, the virus is brought before a jury of its peers, facing a } disassembly sentence. } } NORTON SALMON'S ANTI-VIRUS VIRUS CHECKER } (by Salmontik) } Only $59.99 at a cyber cafe near you. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of MS Bounty Hunter 98 Deluxe, Version 3.3, --- 1168-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most vivacious and hardy Oracle, > > Why do some women dislike bras? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some women? All of them, you mean! } } Let's face it, the stuff tarnishes in an instant and it's a pig to } clean. You wind up spending half your life polishing away at it, your } hands permanently stained black from Wenol. And if it's lacquered or } nickel plated, it never looks clean and shiny afterwards anyway, even } if you use steel wool and heavy duty oven cleaner, and you scrub till } your fingers are raw and bleeding. Ask any woman, and she'll tell you } she'd rather have good old stainless steel any day, believe you me. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of the Grimesthorpe Colliery Bras Band's } Biggest Hits. I think it says Hits. --- 1168-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help oh great one! While attempting to beg before your wonderousness > today, I got the following error message: > > ** ERROR - FUNCTION CANNOT BE COMPLETED ** Connection refused by host. > Server is not licensed for this operation. Maximum number of unique > IP addresses for this license reached. > > Please tell me this doesn't mean that Earth has asked you too many > questions and that you're moving on! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNABLE TO PROCESS } ERROR #8675309 - TIME OUT ERROR } } Please contact system administrator. } } There are several possible causes for this error: } } 1. The system utility contains too many errors. We only allow 137. What } do you think this is, Linux? } 2. The operator has fallen asleep. Please administer coffee. } 3. A variable contains either too many characters or a sound file of } Kathy Lee Gifford singing. Either way it needs to go. } 4. System has been accidentally destroyed by graduates who went too far } with their senior pranks. Immediately contact alumni for more money. } 5. The system has detected that Windows has been installed. System } failure imminent. } 6. Dynamic linking error - your smoochy-smoochy Email has been sent to } every user on the system. } 7. You do not have access to this error. Please report yourself to the } Sys Admin for deletion. } 8. A mouse is required for this operation and has not been detected. } Please right-click and select "Restore" from the option menu. } 9. Testosterone Stack Overflow: Too many male users looking at porn. } 10. Your request didn't make sense. Please dinosaur chair blue. } } If you feel you have reached this error message in error, feel free } to try whatever you did again. But don't say we didn't warn you. --- 1168-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > How can we keep them from breaching our walls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While traditionalists might say that this is precisely the sort } of situation that calls for the use of cauldrons of hot oil, } modern technology has blessed us with far less labor-intensive } solutions to the age old problem of pesky barbarians at the gate. } } Now quick, lad, do as I say. Run down into the cellar. Open } that old storage closet, the one where you carefully hid your old } Nehru jackets. Walk in, go all the way to the back, and find } that old chest where you stash your porno videos and inflatable } dolls. Push the chest aside, revealing the crate where you keep } all your marijuana. Move the crate, so you can access the floor } safe where you secreted all those unmarked 50s and 100s from } that, um, bank transaction a few years back. Grab a shovel and } dig the safe out of the floor. Keep digging until you find the } coffin where you laid out Mr. Hoffa. Now reach under the coffin, } and grab the box that holds the most dreadfully embarrassing, } most terribly secret, most thoroughly damning of all your } possessions: your Cher CD. } } Now crank the stereo up to "10" and play _Believe_. Those pesky } barbarians will find it's hard to breach the walls and hold their } ears at the same time. } } You owe the Oracle a belief in life after love. And the contents } of your closets. (Well, you can keep the Nehru jackets... and } Mr. Hoffa.) --- 1168-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My teddy bear is lost, and I need a hug. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOPE, VA--(AP) Over the last three days, teddy bears from around the } world have been flocking to this small town. There has been no } definitive explanation for the mass of stuffed bear toys here, although } there has been much speculation. } "I think they're really a bunch of them aliens come 'round expectin' } their mutha ship," says one local resident. "They sure ain't human." } Another townie thinks it may be a sign of the coming Apocalypse. } "When you get that many teddy bears in one place, you gotta expect some } trouble," he says, poignantly adding "Remember Montreux?" } It is expected the National Guard will be called in within the next } 24 hours to control the crowds that have gathered. A Guard spokesman's } only concern was the bears' cuddliness. "We've been giving our guys a } little insensitivity training since yesterday morning in anticipation } of a confrontation. It could get ugly." } } (C)2000 by Associated Parody. Any use of this article in whole or in } part will be surprising, to say the least. } } You owe the Oracle some marshmallows and a stick. --- 1168-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. > Now, if Moses's toeses were actually roses, then how many rose toeses > would that actually be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } EXO 2:1 And there went a man of the house of Levi, and took to wife a } daughter of Levi. } EXO 2:2 And the woman conceived, and bare a son; and when she saw his } toeses, which were all pink and wrinkly, she thought they were like } unto small roses. } EXO 2:3 Then she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with } slime and with pitch; and she put the child therein, and laid it in the } flags by the river's brink. } EXO 2:4 And it came to pass that the daughter of Pharaoh came down to } bathe at the river; and she saw the ark among the flags, and sent her } handmaid to fetch it. } EXO 2:5 And she opened the ark, and saw the child; and, behold, his } toeses were more wrinkly still, because of having been in the water so } long. And she was much amazed, and said, Surely these toeses are posies } of roses. } EXO 2:6 And Pharaoh's daughter said unto her, Take this child away, } and nurse it for me, and take especial care of its toeses, because they } are kind of cute. And the woman took the child, and nursed it, toeses } and all. } EXO 2:7 And the child grew, and he was brought unto Pharaoh's } daughter, and he became her son. And she called his name Moses, and } said, Because it rhymes. } } EXO 3:1 Now Moses kept the flock of Jethro his father in law, the } priest of Midian; and he led the flock to the backside of the desert, } and came to the mountain of God, even to Horeb. } EXO 3:2 And the Lord God appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of } the midst of a bush; and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with } fire, but the bush was not consumed. } EXO 3:3 And Moses said unto himself, Were that bush a rose bush, and } were the roses my toeses and yet they were not consumed, then how many } would I have left? } EXO 3:4 And God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and } said, Moses, Moses, you knowses your toeses aren't roses. Supposes what } you like, but nobody's toeses are posies of roses. } EXO 3:5 But Moses persisted, saying, Indeed, I knows a rose is a rose } and a toese is a toese. But, leaving that aside for a moment: supposing } they actually were roses, how many rose toeses would I actually have } left? } EXO 3:6 And God said unto him, As many as you started with. And he } said, That's not a big help, Lord; ancient Middle Eastern education } isn't too hot on numeracy. } } EXO 10:12 Then Jehovah said unto Moses, Stretch out your hand over } the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land } of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath } left. } EXO 10:13 And Moses said, But what about my toeses, Lord? Are they to } be spared being consumed by the fire, only to be gobbled up by a bunch } of locusts? } EXO 10:14 And God said, I don't want to hear any more about your } toeses, Moses. } } EXO 19:1 In the third month after the children of Israel were gone } forth out of the land of Egypt, the same day came they into the } wilderness of Sinai. } EXO 19:2 And when they were departed from Rephidim, and were come to } the wilderness of Sinai, they encamped in the wilderness; and there } Israel encamped before the mount. } EXO 19:3 And Moses went up unto God, and Jehovah called unto him out } of the mountain, saying, Thus shall you say to the house of Jacob, and } tell the children of Israel... } EXO 19:4 But Moses interrupted, saying, Yes, but about my rose-like } toeses, Lord: how many would you say there actually are? Bearing in } mind that none of them has actually been consumed by either fire or } ravenous insects. It's been bothering me some time now. } EXO 19:5 Then spake the Lord unto him, I told you I didn't want to } hear any more about your stupid toeses. Now listen, I've thought up ten } commandments for you to hand unto my people. } EXO 19:6 And Moses said, Ten sounds a good number. } } EXO 20:1 And God spake all these words, saying, } EXO 20:2 I am Jehovah thy God, who brought thee out of the land of } Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Let's get this show on the road: } EXO 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me. } EXO 20:4 Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image. } EXO 20:5 Thou shalt not take the name of Jehovah thy God in vain. } EXO 20:6 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. } EXO 20:7 Honour thy father and thy mother. } EXO 20:8 Thou shalt not kill. } EXO 20:9 Thou shalt not commit adultery; at least, not more than } absolutely necessary. } EXO 20:10 Thou shalt not steal. } EXO 20:11 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. } EXO 20:12 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, neither shalt } thou covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his man-servant, nor his maid- } servant, nor his ox, nor his toeses--damnation! } EXO 20:13 And Moses, who was carving the words onto tablets of stone } as Jehovah dictated, said, I didn't quite catch that last bit, Lord. } EXO 20:14 And God said unto Moses, You've got me doing it now. You } and your effing toeses! I'll afflict them with black spot, see how you } like that! } EXO 20:15 Then Moses came down the mountain and said unto the people, } Now you may be wondering why I'm walking like this. } EXO 20:16 But the people stood afar off, and sprayed Moses with } fungicide whenever he drew near, for black spot is a bugger to get rid } of as any gardener will testify. And so it went on for many days... } } If we might veer off at a tangent at this point, Supplicant, did you } know that you can almost but not quite sing your question to the finale } of Sibelius' 5th symphony? --- 1168-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please resubmit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Sir, I'm tracking a bogey, inbound, mark 583 dash 4872 dash 53." } } "Get an identifying tag on that thing, I want full info before we } act." } } "Roger that, sir ... sir, it's a resubmittal." } } "How long 'till intercept?" } } "Fifteen seconds and closing." } } "Recon team, this is the bridge; can you get assembled and deployed in } time to capture a resubmittal?" } } "Possibly, sir. When?" } } "Now." } } "Shi --" } } BOOOOOOOM! } } "Impact, sir!" } } "Thanks, Lieutenant, you've made my day. Damage?" } } "It's punctured the hull, sir, and seems to have made for the main } routers." } } "Well, if it's in the system already, might as well punch it up. Do } it." } } "Yes, sir!" } } > Please resubmit } } "Oh no." } } "Sir?" } } "Cancel all communications with HQ. Shut down all power to all levels, } now! Terminate the core!" } } "But sir ..." } } "Do it!" } } "But sir, we'll be sitting down in the middle of nowhere!" } } "Do it NOW, Lieutenant!" } } "Aye, sir! Engine room, this is the Bridge. Power down, full stop." } } "Full stop, aye." } } "Power control, this is the Bridge. Shut down, now, all systems." } } "What the --" } } "DO IT." } } "Aye, sir. Shutting dow --" } } Beeeeooooooooooooop. } } "Sir?" } } "Yes, Lieutenant?" } } "Why have we just shut down? It's just a resubmittal, sir, we've } handled those before. A little creativity, a touch of pizzazz, and we } blow them right out of the water." } } "Not this one. Didn't you see it? It was a self-referencing } submittal. Had we let that one get to the Oracle program at HQ, it } would have resubmitted every single question the Oracle has ever been } asked. The Oracle would be tied up for years -- right back at square } one." } } "Holy shit." } } "Hardly that. More like what you would become once the Oracle got wind } of who failed and where. You'd become excrement, no doubt, but not the } consecrated kind." } } "So what're we going to do, sir?" } } "We've done it. We've cut communications, powered down all systems. } The resubmittal won't even be able to access what little amount of } questions -we've- intercepted, much less the entire Oracular network. } Congrats, kid, you're a hero. We've just saved the planet." } } "But ... we've no power ... no communications ... ... no life } support." } } "Yup." } } "So ... this is it?" } } "Yeah. Great servin' with ya, kid. But hey, all in the service of the } all-powerful Orrie, eh?" } } "An ... any chance of rescue?" } } "Sure, kid. If the priests were paying attention to every interceptor } out here, and if the Oracle isn't too busy, we might get picked up in a } couple of days. Heck, they might even throw us a parade." } } "So there's hope?" } } "Sure. Rumor has it that if the Oracle finds out you risked your life } in his service, you get to ask him for anything, anything at all. No } groveling, no conditions, just pick-'n-choose." } } "Really?" } } "Yeah." } } "What would you ask for, sir?" } } "Me? I'd go up to him, and I'd say, 'You owe this captain to never put } me up against a resubmittal again.' " } } "You think that would work?" } } "Hell, it's worth a shot."