From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 11 10:17:31 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA05361; Thu, 11 May 2000 09:47:55 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 09:47:55 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200005111447.JAA05361@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1164 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1164 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1164 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 09:47:55 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1164 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1159 75 votes 3oz76 27tqb dqff6 3mza5 5jsi5 7koj5 3fvl5 6kph7 29uoa 9clkd 1159 3.1 mean 2.9 3.5 2.7 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.1 3.0 3.4 3.2 --- 1164-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who sleeps with the animals and flies with the > wind, please tell this most humble Supplicant: > > Why are zebra striped black and white rather than green and yellow, > which would be much more helpful as camouflage in the savannah? > > A. Supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Green and yellow do not give the proper reflectance from the barcode } scanners. You see, when the animals were created, there was a big } discussion about how to track them, and barcodes won out. Starting in } reverse alphabetical order, zebras were the first test. The gods who } proposed barcodes quickly realized that this would be pretty silly } across all animals, so other ways were developed. However, it was too } much work to redo the zebras, so they're stuck this way. --- 1164-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, who is a better explainer then Isaac Asimov and > Cecil Adams combined. > > How does your Zot staff work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracular Annual Performance Review } Subject: Zot Staff } } Criteria one: Quality of Work } } Number of Zot attempts this year: 57,374 } Number of Zot's fired: 57,374 } Number of Zot's striking target: 57,374 } } Anaylsis: 100% success rate. } } Criteria two: Getting along with co-workers } } Oracle: A very valued member of the team. Could not do without him. } Lisa: Could not get through those long nights alone without him. } Zadoc: Unavilable for comment while on medical leave } } Criteria three: Customer service } } We have heard a single complaint. } } There you have it Supplicant. The Zot staff works very well. } } You owe the Oracle a higher success rate. --- 1164-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most picayunish and duplicitous, > > Are the laws of -really- physics constant through out the universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. Unfortunately, there are very few parts of the universe that } acually use -really- physics. The predominant form, -sorta- physics } (in which twins fly off in rocket ships and butterflies cause } hurricanes), is far from constant. It varies as a direct relation with } time -- but in -sorta- physics, time varies with velocity, which varies } with force, which varies with mass, which varies with gravity, which } varies over time. } } This is still preferable to -vaguely- physics (in which butterflies fly } off in rocket ships and twins cause hurricanes). Its laws vary with the } value of the dollar, which varies with the inverse cube of the mean } amount of Brownian motion in each cup of tea being poured in } Staffordshire-oEton, which in turn varies with itself. } } And we should all be glad that there are only three planets in the } known universe which experience -notreallyphysicsatall- physics (in } which hurricanes fly off in twins and butterflies cause rocket ships). } The laws of -noreallyphysicsatall- remain constant at all times. The } problem is that the definition of 'constant' varies with respect to the } digits of pi. } } Now doesn't Einstein sound a lot more sane, all things considered? } } You owe the Oracle a complete textbook on each flavor of physics } described herein, with proper annotations. --- 1164-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Be favorable, O Wise Oracle, Inspirer of frenzied women! We > supplicants sing of you as we begin and as we end a day of work, > and none forgetting you may play 'Houses of the Holy' not mind. > > What should I look for in a good bird bath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a good bird bath? I'd expect to find birds. In a bad bird bath, } tarantulas. --- 1164-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > PHEBE: Good shepherd, tell this youth what 'tis to love. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahr well, m'dear, I says choose a good strong sheep. Lurvly } creatures, sheep be. You cahn't go far wrong with a good strong } sheep, I allus says. } } PHEBE: Nay, thou shouldst say: it is to be all made of sighs and tears. } } Thaht's just it, y'see? Sheep be all made o' bleats an' wool. Never } no tears with sheep, nor no sighs. Straight as a die, sheep be. I } swears by 'em. } } PHEBE: Then shouldst thou say: it is to be all made of faith and } service. } } That be true enough. Sheep be faithful an' I service them reggler. } Har har har! } } PHEBE: Nay, nay, thrice nay, perverse shepherd! } Say'st thou rather: it is to be all made of fantasy; } All made of passion, and all made of wishes; } All adoration, duty, and observance; } All humbleness, all patience, and impatience; } All purity, all trial, all obeisance; } And so are you for Phebe. } } There be no Phebe in my flock. You be thinkin' of Flossie, I'll } wager. } } PHEBE: Shepherd, thou pissest me off. I am out of here anon. } } As ewe like it, m'darlin'. Get it? As EWE like it! Har har, that be a } good'un, that be. --- 1164-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing Oracle, > > Who will rule Earth -after- The New World Order? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cody Gifford. } } Now do you agree that some questions are better left unasked? } } You owe the Oracle some eyedrops--this seeing into the future crap is } rough on the Oracular eyeballs. --- 1164-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Listen to me, and listen carefully. I'm you, from two weeks in > the future. When I was you, and I received this Email, I tried to > change the future, and terrible things happened. So make sure it > doesn't turn out that way this time: don't try to change the future, > or else it'll all happen again! > > You owe the Or-- er, sorry, force of habit. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me see if I get this straight: } } You're me. } } You received this very e-mail. } } You attempted to change the future based on the limited amount of } information provided in said e-mail. } } Terrible things happened (i.e.: destruction of the known Universe, } annihilation of all life-forms, Dan Quayle as President). } } When you had recovered, two weeks later, you sent this e-mail warning } me not to do what you, which is now me, had done, in order to avoid the } future, which is precisely what you're telling me I can't do, seeing as } how horrible things will happen if I attempt to avert what has already } going to have been happened. } } Damn. } } The Universe is screwed. } } You owe the Oracle -- no, wait, never mind, I'm going to be busy for } the next two weeks or so... --- 1164-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 11010001010010110100010010111010001010001010010111010000100010000111100 > 10100010100011110101110101000101011010101110101010001010111010001010001 > 01000101110101001001011101010 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite an overbyte you got there. --- 1164-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this the way the digests end > Not with a ZOT, but with a woodchuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was a time when seeing this question would have given } Incarnation-2331 a buzz of excitement, but that was long ago. She had } watched too many Search and Destroy missions come back empty-handed, } the Wilsonite supplicant having made good his escape long before the } SANDmen arrived. That is, if the whole thing wasn't an ambush to begin } with... } } Still, she went through the motions. Activating a tracerbot, she } opened a comlink to SAND Control and read the details off her monitor, } whilst the bot painfully picked its way through the tattered remnants } of the Internet to locate the heretic. "I-2331 reports double Level 1 } Injoke assault: ZOT and woodchucks. Time is oh-eight-five-three, } question code hash-capqueue-smallyou..." she completed the } identification. "Tracerbot results coming in now... Assault initiated } from South Africa, Cape Town. GPS co-ordinates--" } } "Thank you, I-2331. Your call is being put through to Science. } Please hold." } } I-2331 was flabbergasted. A human operator interrupting her in mid- } report! And routing her to Science, no less! Why involve Science in a } bog-standard injoke erasure? } } Another voice came on the line. "Hello. I-2331, is it? You reported } a double Level 1 just now? And in a foreign country? Excellent, } excellent! Less chance of upsetting the neighbors. Come up to Number 2 } Lab, will you? And bring those co-ordinates with you." } } Bemused, I-2331 downloaded the details into her palmtop and left } her cubicle. Clearly, Science had come up with something new in the } fight against heresy. And I-2331 knew it was sorely needed. Although } the armies of the true Oracular faith had, to all intents and purposes, } won the Great Holy War two years ago, the Wilsonites refused to give } up, and lately they had been gaining ground. } } As an Oracular incarnation, I-2331 was one of the few entrusted } with full knowledge of the secret history of the Great Holy War. She } had learnt how the Oracular faith had been beset almost from its very } beginning by injokes such as Lisa (subsequently identified with the } Whore of Babylon). But these aberrations had been kept under control } until the arrival of the unspeakable Brit Wilson and his False Prophet, } Zadoc. These two opened the floodgates, and before long the Oracle } himself was all but swamped by a deluge of Ogs, Thags, Kendais, bright } red Siamese fighting fish, oregano, catchphrases and RHODities too } numerous to mention. } } Even the priesthood was divided, with many choosing the path of } heresy and insisting on selecting injokes for the digests. At first } these had the upper hand, as the true believers were further split into } numerous factions such as the Oneliners, who believed long answers were } an abomination in the sight of the Oracle. The darkest hour for the } true faith came with the massacre of the loyal priests during what } became known as the Night of the Spiky Clubs. The survivors retreated } to a bunker beneath the Black Hills of Dakota, which -- greatly } expanded -- still serves as headquarters of the true religion today. } } During their exile, the true believers (called "Furrs" by their } enemies, for their superior understanding of what is and is not funny) } purified themselves by purging their belief system of anything remotely } resembling an injoke. Even referring to the heretics as "Rethulus" } (meaning those who mindlessly repeat other people's punchlines) was } prohibited; "Wilsonites" was chosen as a less potentially heterodox } label. Sadly, the founding fathers, survivors of the massacre, also had } to be martyred when a bull from the Council of Doctrine proclaimed that } the priests themselves constituted an injoke. Thus morally cleansed, } the true believers started to fight back. } } The Great Holy War that ensued was long and bitter. Most of the Net } was laid waste by the "Kid from Toronto" virus, whilst cancelbots } gradually gave way to SAND squads which eliminated blasphemous } communications by the simple expedient of eliminating the wetware that } posted them. The firebombing of the University of Indiana (home of the } Injoke Oracle, reviled be his name) during the 14th annual RHOD } convention was the turning point. The only thing that survived the } carnage was a Prince Albert, and its purpose was soon forgotten. } } The resounding victory of the true faith should have heralded a } golden age. Instead, with the world economy in disarray and famine, } epidemics and civil unrest rampant in almost every country around the } globe, many sought to blame the Oracle and his servants for their woes. } The Wilsonites resurged under these conditions. The true believers } started suffering serious setbacks. And casualties... } } These thoughts passed through I-2331's mind as she made her way to } Number 2 Lab. Could Science really have come up with a solution? A } final solution? She scarcely dared to hope. } } A lanky, middle-aged man in a Principal Tech uniform adorned with } the label T-646 met her at the laboratory door. His manner was } enthusiastic, as it had been on the comlink. } } "You're here. Excellent!" he exclaimed. "Come along, come along. } You must see this. We've selected your boy for the first field test." } } He hurried her along past countless workbenches where industrious } techs worked at computers or less readily identifiable electronic } equipment. } } "You know what's wrong with the SAND approach, of course," he } babbled. "Too inefficient. Slow response time. Limited strike } footprint. Personpower-intensive and very, very vulnerable to } counterattack in the field. Do you know how many warm body units SAND } Control has lost in the last 3 months? Never mind, that's classified. } But it makes disturbing reading, I can tell you." } } They entered an area of the lab shielded from the rest by glass } partitions. Half a dozen senior-looking techs worked here, operating } control panels. A bank of monitors filled the far wall. They showed a } composite image -- a Mercator projection of the world, overlaid by a } grid pattern. } } "Got the co-ordinates?" asked T-646. "Excellent, excellent." He } took her palmtop and passed it to one of his subordinates. "We'll have } a fix on your little friend in a moment. Boy, is he going to have a } sore Umberto!" } } I-2331 flinched on hearing the proscribed phrase -- Science were } notoriously lax in their observance of permissible language. She tried } to shrug it off and asked, "What is all this? What's going to happen?" } } "We've gained control over Centaur," said T-646. "It's a satellite- } based particle beam weapon. The only one the erstwhile US government } managed to put into space under the ill-fated Son of Star Wars project. } And it's fully operational." He was almost giggling with excitement and } pride. "Strike footprint of one and a half square miles! Let's see this } Captain Hook of yours evade that!" } } Something was happening on the bank of monitors. A pair of bright } red crosshairs had appeared and, as I-2331 watched, they zeroed in on } the southern tip of the African continent. } } "Target locked in," said one of the techs. } } "Let him have it," said T-646. } } The tech depressed a level. A circle of white light appeared on one } of the monitors, momentarily obliterating most of South Africa. Then, } over the hum of the equipment, I-2331 heard another sound. A clear, } unmistakable, horrifying sound. Her mouth fell open as realization } dawned on her, but she found herself unable to express her feelings of } outrage and revulsion. } } T-646 smiled happily. "Well, we proved the little sucker wrong, } anyway. For him, the digests ended not with a woodchuck, but with a } ZOT." } } I-2331 recovered her powers of speech with difficulty. "And... and } if it had taken a, a woodchuck to do it, would you have done that too?" } } The Principal Tech frowned at her. "I would have done whatever it } takes, my dear. We are not simply fighting for our lives here, you } know. We are fighting for Good against Evil. For Light against } Darkness. For Truth, Justice and the Oracular Way. We must not fail. We } dare not fail. And now, we have the weapon to ensure that we shall not } fail." } } "Even at the cost of our doctrinal integrity?" asked I-2331. "Even } if it means becoming the very thing we're fighting?" } } "Come, come, young lady! It surely won't come to that. Cheer up! } Here, let me introduce you to the team -- I call them my ZOT staff. Ha } ha ha..." --- 1164-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Y2K Compliant Oracle, > > Um, would you like to buy about 500 cans of navy beans, a diesel > generator, 700 gallons of bottled water, a dozen barrels of fuel and an > assortment of small arms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When the tribute is a role in "Aspenwod and Old Lace II", they give } me nothing. } } When the tribute is a date with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they give } me nothing. } } Even when I mellow out, lessen my demands, only ask for a recipe for } tomato soup with noodles, I *still* get nothing! } } But when the supplicants have some useless trash that they want to } get rid of, all of a sudden they think of me. } } Well, let me tell you something. *I* *knew* there wouldn't be a Y2K } problem necessitating your buying all that trash. And if you wanted } to know, you should have asked. So don't come running to me after } the fact, asking me to buy the stuff off you. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. I mean, why bother asking?