From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Mar 29 09:24:05 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA03482; Wed, 29 Mar 2000 09:00:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 09:00:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200003291400.JAA03482@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1156 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1156 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1156 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 09:00:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1156 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1151 72 votes cmlc5 3huf7 7cpl7 cgod7 2ghmf 68pr6 2blik 47qpa 4dmmb 6ffdn 1151 3.2 mean 2.7 3.1 3.1 2.8 3.4 3.3 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.4 --- 1156-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can the pain of love be bottled? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! - And it is bottled, the world over. } } Just like the real thing, a little bit causes joy and puts a silly } smirk on your face. And just like the real thing, too much and you'll } start wishing you could just drop over dead. } } The stuff in the bottle does have a few good attributes over the real } thing...for instance, you can share the bottle with several of your } friends with no adverse affects. Whereas, we all know you can't even } share the details of your love pains with your friends and not expect } adverse affects. } } Anyway, hie yourself down to your local spirit emporium and ask the } proprietor for a bottle of sham-pain. He'll hook you up. --- 1156-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, one of the several advantages to be obtained by asking you > a question is the increase in value of the lands near the site on > which the supplicant asks the question from! For this I thank you, > Most Wise One! > > Other than location what should one look for in a property? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many things to check out when you buy a new property. } Here is a partial list: } } 1) Check the front yard for a statue of Joseph buried upside down. } If you find him, this means there were Catholics previously living } in the residence. This is not a cause for concern, just make sure } you dig up the saint before you run the lawn mower. Add him to your } Nativity set if you're so inclined. } } 2) Look for a pentagram painted on the floor with burnt candles } surrounding it. If you find one, this means there were Satanists } previously living in the residence. This *is* a cause for concern. } Make sure you do no digging on the property. You might find something } or someone you'd rather not find. } } 3) Check out the rec room for roach clips, spilled bong water, dropped } doobies, etc. This means there were dopers living in your house. } Make sure the electric company has the current meter reading and that } the account is in your name. Grow lamps really run up the bill. } } 4) Look under the sink for roach and/or mouse traps. If you find } them, make sure you have the place fumigated before settlement. } When your own pests move in to the new home with you, you don't want } them kibbitzing with the rodents who already live there. They'll start } trading ideas on ways to get under your skin. } } 5) If you are buying an estate property, look in the freezer for money. } If you find any, it means there was a tight-wad living on the premises. } Have the furnace checked out. It hasn't been turned on in years. } } 6) Check to see if the house is wired for broadband access. If so, } there was a geek living in the place. Sweep well for Oreo crumbs } and pray that your mail doesn't get rerouted. } } 7) Don't trust the Title company. Go down to the courthouse and check } the deed yourself. If you find any liens, it means there were a bunch } of bad-credit, no good, cheapos dwelling there. Expect a visit from } a man named Sonny and at least 7 phone calls a day during dinner. } } 8) Look for bottles hidden in the rafters, crawl spaces, and within } the junk pile in the garage. If you find any, it means you bought } the house from an alcoholic. This is not a cause for concern. } It simply explains the vomit stains on the carpet. } } 9) Look for marks in the master bedroom wall about four feet off the } carpet in the shape of a headboard. This implies that a group of sex } fiends used to live here. This is only a problem if the property } is a row home or semi-detached. Make sure the neighbors know the } previous residents have moved out. Otherwise, you're going to have } to deal with a lot of wall pounding and loud music. } } 10) Smell. Bad odors can tell you a lot. You'll learn if the last } family had dogs, kids, illegal fireworks, marital difficulties, etc. } Always trust your nose. } } I hope this was helpful. You owe the Oracle a 7% commission on } all sales. (3.5% if you're the listing agent.) --- 1156-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are incrudible! Today at work was the worst day ever; the > brown, sticky material hit the rotating blades. We all got covered by > it, all except for YOU. What's the secret? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is proud to say he stands 100% behind all his fans. } } You owe the Oracle a crowd of supporters. --- 1156-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most unrepetitive, > > Isn't doing the same thing over and over again and expecting > the results to change a sign of mental illness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, that's called "Presidential Campaigning." } So.. yes. } } You owe the Oracle a Moebius Strip. --- 1156-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > what will the month of April bring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The rats brought him in with the rest of the morning catch. } Winifred was so struck by his cranial development and seemingly } self-aware bearing that she asked for him to be set aside for } examination by the scientifics. The rat captain, officious as ever, } declared that this one was destined for target practice for the army, } and we scientifics would just have to catch our own torture victims. } Then, as they were rat-handling him into the paddy wagon, the subject } of our discussion turned on one of them and shouted: "Get your stinking } paws off me, you damn dirty rodent!" } } You can imagine the sensation this created. A talking human? } Impossible! The rats staggered back, and were all for killing this } monster, this freak of nature there and then. But with my help Winifred } convinced them that this was a scientific specimen which had been } surgically altered so as to be able to articulate some simple words, } and that it had escaped last week. Hence it really belonged to us } already. The rats took some convincing, but they are not good at } dealing with anything out of the ordinary, and eventually allowed us to } claim our prize. } } Winifred then insisted on taking her new pet to our home. I was } against it, of course: the proper place for this peculiar, not to say } repulsive, creature was the laboratory. And anyway, you can't house- } train a human! But she got her way, as always. } } At first we could get nothing out of our talking man. He appeared } to harbour deep resentment against all rodents and, for some reason, } hated our kind more than the others. We could make nothing of it. But } Winifred refused to give up on him and, through tireless coaxing and } kindness, she gained his trust and eventually got him to respond to her } questions. We learnt that he called himself Or-rie, that he had come } from far away, and that he was looked on as something of a wise man by } his own people. } } "That's no surprise," I laughed. "Your people are dumb, brutish and } uncivilised. They haven't even got tails! You must be their greatest } genius ever. I only wonder how you manage to communicate with them." } } "You don't understand, Walter," said Or-rie earnestly. "Where I } come from, all humans can speak. It's the rodents that are dumb." } } "Rodents dumb?" exclaimed Winifred. "What an imagination! How } fascinating!" } } "How heretical," I corrected her. "Please don't let anybody else } hear you say such wild things, Or-rie. Others may be less broad-minded } than we are. In fact, if you come up against the rats again, remember } never to speak at all!" } } He looked surprised. "What the hell would I have to say to a rat?" } he asked. Winifred chortled; she found it all a great joke. Why } couldn't she see the danger we were in? } } The danger manifested itself all too soon. The rat patrol that had } captured Or-rie reported the talking incident to the council and, } though we tried to convince them that the captain had been at the } fermented grape juice and was consequently too rat-arsed to know what } was going on, the gerbils commanded us to bring Or-rie before a panel } of inquiry. } } "For god's sake, Or-rie," I warned him before we entered the } council chamber, "let me do the talking. Say nothing! If they find } against you, they will dissect you, and they will kill you. In that } order!" } } "I hate these cat-and-human games," Winifred protested. "Why can't } we tell them what we have found here? Or-rie is the scientific marvel } of the age!" } } "And you stay quiet as well," I insisted. "You've done enough } damage. Now let me try and save all our hides." } } Well, I thought I built a pretty good case for the defence. I } explained to the three members of the panel that this human specimen } had unusually well developed vocalising abilities, and we had taught it } to utter some simple sentences. The rest it had picked up by mimicry } while living in our house. } } "You know the saying," I concluded, "human see, human do." } } "So there is absolutely no doubt in your mind, Doctor Walter," } asked the chairgerbil, "that the creature has no actual understanding } of speech?" } } I was about to agree heartily when Winifred interrupted. } } "Of course he understands!" she cried angrily. "What's the matter } with you? Are you mice or men? We can learn so much from this human." } } "The only good human is a dead human!" squeaked one of the panel } members; the others muttered agreement, covering their eyes and making } like three blind mice. Things were not looking good, and Or-rie now } proceeded to make them worse by opening his mouth. } } "Would it help," he asked, "if I pointed out that I am not actually } human, but a divine, omniscient, immortal being?" } } All hell broke loose. The gerbils were in uproar, demanding that } the animal be silenced before it could spout any more obscene } blasphemies. The rat guard duly gagged him. I begged the panel to } overlook Or-rie's words as he obviously couldn't comprehend their } meaning, but all they did was recite the Sacred Scrolls at us over and } over again: "Beware the beast Man. Let him not breed like rabbits, for } he will makes a rat's nest of his world and yours." } } We were helpless to prevent the outcome. Or-rie was dragged out by } the rat guards. He managed to work his gag loose and yelled suggestions } at the panel about what they could do with themselves and some duct } tape, which I don't care to repeat. Later we learnt that he had been } lobotomised and set to work in the treadmills that generate the town's } power supply. Winifred was beside herself with grief. I found her } sitting in the back yard, a pile of wood next to her, chucking bits } listlessly. } } "Please don't, my dear," I begged her. "It's not worth it. He was } only human." } } "Don't pretend!" she snapped. "You loved him too. We both did, even } though he was so damned ugly. And they treated him no better than a } hamster!" } } She threw another piece of wood. I wondered idly how much wood she } could chuck, left to her own devices. I guess I was about to find out. } } ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Oh Oracle most wise, } > what will the month of April bring? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } I've just cast my mind into the future to find out what's in store in } April and, let me tell you, it's not pleasant. First of all, there's } been a nuclear holocaust and human civilisation has come to an end. } Then... What? April 3955, of course. Which April did you have in mind? } This coming April? That's not very ambitious, is it now? } } Oh, all right. You're going on a long voyage and will meet a tall, dark } stranger. } } You owe the Oracle a half-buried national monument. --- 1156-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'll take Oracle to block. > > Oracle most wise, The Fox Network is showing a modicum of success with > its game show entitled "Greed." Can you tell me what game shows of the > other 6 Deadly Sins would be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually all of the 7 vices were tried. Only 'Greed' made } the final cut. See below for how the other vices fared: } } "Sloth" } } "The show that dares you to do nothing!" was a colossal flop. } } Contestants we're placed in situations where they could } win cash for seemingly menial tasks. Whomever evidenced the } least effort would be declared the winner. The pilot episode } had contestants in a hot tub surrounded by food & drink before } a big screen TV tuned to The Weather Channel, the contestant } who showed the least attempt at stifling yawns was to win a } trip to Pittsburgh. } } As previously stated this show was a flop. } } A second attempt was made to build a show around awards for } people who had the best stories about things they had done } to avoid work, but this deemed to much trouble to set up. } } "Envy" } } "Take what's theirs!" Six contestants would be taken on } tours of each others homes. Then they played croquet. } The winner got to take all the worldly possessions and the } spouse of the five losers. } } Game ran afoul of the network lawyers who said you couldn't } give away lawfully wedded spouses on TV. } } "Gluttony for Money" } } This show held the most promise, though it got canned when the } lawyers said it was encouraging people to do harm to themselves } which would leave the networks open to liability. } } The show was work like this: } } 1st part: 5 Contestants gleaned from a pool of 20 in a cherry } pie topped with raw hot dogs eating contest. } 2nd part: The 5 lucky finalists were then weighed and send } home with orders to eat and then eat some more. } Two months later the finalists were to return } and be re-weighed. Whoever gained the most girth } would win their worth in gold. } } "Lust and Busts" } } 69 contestants had their levels of testosterone measured. } Then they were shown XXX rated movies interspersed with } Playtex Bra ads from the fifties. An hour latter the levels } of testosterone were measured again. The biggest increase } earned the winner $69,000 and a cold shower. } } The lawyers nixed the idea on the grounds that it was } scientifically unsound and out of fears that the shows format } was blatantly discriminatory against female contestants. } } "Don't hide your Pride" } } Grandmothers with purses full of photos of their grand kids } fought for air time against jocks with shelves full of } trophies. Both parties armed with megaphones and laser } pointers. } } Lawyers vetoed the idea citing dangers of lasers. } } "Anger" } } Anyone that could drag a lawyer into the studio was given } a dollar by other people who had all paid 10 dollars for } a right to be in the audience. Then the lawyer would } be stomped to death live on TV. } } Dropped for unspecified reasons. } } You owe the Oracle a three hour cruise. --- 1156-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle What is the cure for cancer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ********************************** } The Internet Oracle's Guide } to Curing Cancer } ********************************** } } The world famous Internet Oracle, fresh from his success as after } dinner speaker, racing driver, move director and international sex } symbol turns his infallible mind towards the mysteries of the human } body. For only $19.95 [1], you too can learn of the secrets to beating } cancer and other illnesses. } } Look at what you get for a single low price! } } * 58 page book detailing the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [2] method for } overcoming cancer. } * Wall Chart summarizing the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [3] method for } overcoming cancer. } * Audio Cassette of the Internet Oracle's presentation to world class } medical practitioners [4]. } * SPECIAL BONUS OFFER * Invitation to the Internet Oracle's 2000 series } of lectures "Cancer - Just Another 6 Letter Word" } } What the People Have Said } } These statements were taken from ACTUAL PEOPLE who have tried and found } success with the Internet Oracle's PROVEN [5] method for overcoming } cancer! These statments were not modified in ANY way! } } "Now that I've got cyanide poisoning thanks to the Internet Oracle, } cancer is the least of my worries!" } } "I used to worry about my cancer, then the Internet Oracle showed me } that there are more important things to worry about, especially when } he's taken all your money." } } "Please.... stop the pain." } } So what are you waiting for? Operators are standing by! You owe it to } the Oracle (and yourself) to take this once in a lifetime opportunity! } } [1] Add $45.95 for postage and handling } [2] Not to be used as a cure for cancer. } [3] Not to be used as a cure for cancer. } [4] Recorded at the Kellyville Community Hall, 4th January, 1994 } [5] Not to be used as a cure for cancer. --- 1156-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is Windows 95 keep passwords for Dial-Up Networking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These passwords are held in the propriety password storage allloc chip } secured to the motherboard. } } To retrieve them you will need to do the following:- } } Make sure you have a full backup of your PC. Keep these tapes in a safe } place, on top of your hi-fi speakers, or television should be fine. A } thief will just think that it is an audio cassette and leave it alone. } } Open the case of your PC, preferable with a small rockhammer. If one is } not available a regular clawhammer will suffice. } } Locate the memory chips on the motherboard. You need to prise these out } as we need to purge all memory of the current password from them. There } is not point in cleaning the password chip, if the Ram still remembers } them is it? To purge the memory submerse them in neat Vodka for 12 } hours. I find Vodka always makes me forget things. } } While these are soaking we can deal with the passwords themselves. } } With the case still open turn on the power to your PC. Jam a } screwdriver into the cooling fan on the Processor so that we can } generate some heat. Heat often loosens things, like stubborn bottle } tops, so will surely help with working out those passwords. After a } short while you should hopefully see smoke escaping from the main CPU. } This smoke is the by-product of the password combustion and means that } the job is complete. Switch off the PC and wait for the RAM chips to } have completely forgotten everything. Plug them back in and reassemble } the PC. } } At this point there will be a short delay while the new PC you will } have to order is delivered. Once your new machine is set up you can } boot it up and should then be able to enter your new password. } } You may think this is an expensive procedure, but you cannot place a } pricetag on system security. } } You owe the Oracle the rest of that Vodka --- 1156-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > What are the most common errors that cats commit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE TOP 10 MOST COMMON ERRORS THAT CATS COMMIT } ---------------------------------------------- } } 10) I before E except after C. The number of times I've seen cats write } "seige" and "recieve" is no joke. } } 9) Leading from under the ace. } } 8) Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty", and Bogey never said "Play it } again, Sam", but you try telling a cat that. } } 7) When programming in C, they invariably forget to allocate space for } strings. It's us humans get stuck with having to sort out the resulting } mess of dangling references and random changes in the value of } variables. } } 6) Their blinkered, knee-jerk adherence to a policy of appeasement } towards aggressors. It didn't work with Hitler, it doesn't work with } next door's Rottweiller. } } 5) Over-reliance on the cross-court topspin drive from the backhand } court. } } 4) When preparing their tax returns and taking the standard deduction, } they either don't remember to check the appropriate box if they or } their spouse are age 65 or over or blind, or if they do, they fail to } enter the correct amount on line 21 of Form 1040A or line 36 of Form } 1040. } } 3) Any human chemistry student will tell you to add water gently to a } mixture of sodium peroxide and zinc powder, but cats, they just squirt } it on with gay abandon. I don't think I'll ever get the smell of } Bactine and scorched fur out of my nostrils. } } 2) They completely fail to understand the difference between the } statements "It is neither true nor false that there will be fish for } dinner tonight" and "It is true that there will or will not be fish for } dinner tonight". Thus they affirm the law of excluded middle whilst at } the same time denying the principle of bivalence in the case of future } contingent propositions, a mistake no human logician would ever make. } } ... and finally, The Number One Most Common Error That Cats Commit: } } 1) Doing their business in my herbaceous borders. Yes, that's why } Mister Tibbles never came home. You may pay your respects at the third } rosebush from the ornamental pond. --- 1156-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 24h00m ... > 23h59m ... > 23h58m ... > > You'd better hurry up, time's running out. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 23h52m } } Scan results of Google search pertaining to topic of } supplicant's query, note best web sites to read, must } not make an error in fact, few are called upon to } incarnate, it is a serious calling, a rough path full } of work and diligence } } 23h21m } } finish sending off emails to experts in the fields } mentioned in the supplicant's question, I hope they } reply soon. To insure that they will read the messages } I put key words in the subjects, in all caps, like } SEX and MONEY } } 21h17m } } Finish reading all web sites, including all their links } wife has returned from public library with books on } areas that may help me answer the question correctly } I call over my neighbors to help me cull the texts for } amazing facts and startling asides } } 20h45 } } have rough outline of points to make in the reply } done, in long hand, on the skin of a yak that I } prepared myself, note to self: order more yak skin } } 19h00 } } take a vigorous run around the park to clear mind to } aid in the answering process, will have a cup of } wheat grass juice and a bowl of tofu when I get } back. Oh, and a gallon of 'Cafe Combate'. } } 18h12m } } Have copied rough draft to ascii text format, emailing } rough to professional proofreader to have it checked } for spelling errors and odd paragraph like groupings } of phrases lacking in punctuation } } 17h13m } } got rough draft back, add insights gleaned from texts } and notes written by the neighbor, return rough to the } proofreader } } 16h29m } } forward now proofed rough to the one expert who replied } to my email earlier ( "die spammer scum" ), tweak } headers so it appears to come from the dean of his } university } } 16h31m } } deleted reply from expert } } 15h12 } } arrive at corner of 5th and Elm with my soapbox, } read reply aloud to passing pedestrians, video } tape their reactions to see how much they laugh } } 13h24m } } return home, eat, sleep, shower, floss } } 10h10m } } time is short. call up random people in a time zone } where people are awake and read them question and } reply, then survey them as to mirth potential } } 09h41m } } finish rewrite incorporating info gleaned from } taping and phone interviews } } 08h01m } } resubmit newest rough to a different proofreader } eat two bags of potato chips in a stress caused } frenzy } } 07h51 } } moment of truth, now must look over answer as } objectively as possible. Did I do a good job? } Is it funny? Is it worthy of being read by a } supplicant? Must not fail the Oracle, there is } no greater shame. } } 05h00m } } Can not decide whether to submit my answer or } not, whip self with leather straps to pay for } having a part in an answer that may not be prefect. } pray for guidance, have sex with wife to calm } myself, doesn't work } } 02h13m } } the pain, the pain of doubt! Maybe if.. YES! } } 01h17m } } reworded tribute so that it shows that the Oracle } knows the incarnation is a fool, only now can I } even think to send it in. I am so unworthy to } incarnate, yet, it is my calling } } 00h25m } } I sit before the monitor, all I need to do is } push the key and the email will be off } to the supplicant. I close my eyes and hit the } key. } } 00h24m } } tears roll down my face, I love the Oracle.