From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Sun Mar 5 23:35:57 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id XAA03752; Sun, 5 Mar 2000 23:09:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 23:09:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200003060409.XAA03752@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1153 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1153 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1153 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 23:09:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1153 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1148 71 votes igs63 2mnm2 3qrf0 4hjm9 8ktd1 2cul6 3bpie 4anig 1cqn9 6bgoe 1148 3.1 mean 2.4 3.0 2.8 3.2 2.7 3.2 3.4 3.5 3.4 3.4 --- 1153-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [ Zadoc shuffles into the room. He is clad in a black derby, an > ill-fitting, cheap, depression era suit and bow tie. Zadoc stops, > takes the hat from his head, musses up his own hair and says: ] > > "I'm sollie Orrie." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "And you damn well should be. Going on vacation in the mid-twenties! } What have I told you about using that time machine? Just look at the } mess you've caused!" } } "I'm sollie, Orrie." } } "And what happened to your groveling? Have you endeavored to grow a } spine on your journey? Down on your knees!" } } [Zadoc drops to his knees with a satisfying <>, head still bowed } and hat still clenched.] } } "I'm sollie, Or - - I mean, I deeply apologize, oh honourable one, oh } ultimately forgiving and generous boon to all that exist in this plane, } oh - - " } } "Shut up, Zadoc." [The Oracle begins pacing back and forth in front of } his throne, Zot staff in hand. He hardly seems to know it is there, } however, and instead gives the impression of conducting a very harsh } symphony as he waves it about] "I just don't know what I'm going to do } with you. I mean, this is almost worse than the time you criticized } Adolf's paintings, telling him he had no place in the art world. And } what happens? He goes into politics! Or the time you commented on } Archduke Ferdinand's dress sense, and so he arranges his tunic so that } the whole thing slips on as one piece, making the buttons merely } ornamental! The day he gets shot, no less! I just don't know - - two } World Wars in two weeks! I'll never forget that holiday!" } } "I bow before your infinitely fair and wholly wrath, and await your } call of judgement as a - -" } } "I said shut up, Zadoc. But this time..._this_ time, you surprised } even me! Me! The Oracle! Infinite wisdom, omnipotent me! And you } completely blind-sided me on this one! One minute, everything's fine, } we're living in a relative paradise here in America, starting to turn } everything around - - and then BOOM, suddenly there was a depression in } the nineteen twenties that hadn't been there fifteen minutes ago, the } U.S. has not only lost thirty-seven states, but is over its head in } debt, and there is, from all reports, a recession going on. I'm very } cross, Zadoc. WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!" } } [Zadoc is, by now, lying prone before the Oracle, mumbling praises, and } seems a bit taken aback by the question. Before he can speak, } however:] } } "I said SHUT UP, Zadoc. I'll tell you what you did. You advise } everyone to pull their money out of the stock market. When that } started to go wrong, you panicked, and told everyone to pull out of the } banks, too. The whole economic structure collapsed, and was } practically dead in the water until the forties, when you finally } manage to do something right for a change and get some bloke named } Roosevelt to take the Presidency. Then you went back to the twenties } and tried to change it back - - and only made it worse! Zadoc, I have } decided on your punishment!" } } [Zadoc, by now, is taking groveling to a whole new level, and is so } flat against the ground he is almost two-dimensional. As he answers, } all that can be heard is a slight rumble as the tile reverberates the } vibrations from his vocal chords. The Oracle understands, however.] } } "Shut up, Zadoc. You owe the Oracle a seventy-three million-word essay } on what you've done, corrective measures that can be taken, due } tomorrow, and written on the head of a pin. And no block letters this } time - - I want cursive!" } } "Oh yes - - and the keys to the time machine." --- 1153-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who never hits a Whammy, avoids the Devil, and climbs > to the top of the pyramid in less that 60 seconds... > > What game shows will be popular in the future? Will we ever see the all > new three-dimensional "Hollywood Cubes"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interesting you should mention the Cube, since it is ultimately tried } and ultimately fails. However, a variation on the theme will do quite } well. And it will be a Canadian export, no less. "Vancouver Cylinders" } is hosted by Alan Thicke and features celebrities in tubes instead of } squares or cubes. The format is similar to the old "Hollywood Squares" } save for the fact that, if the secret tube isn't selected by a } contestent before the end of the game, the celebrity in the tube is } fired from the tube into a large tub of water on the opposite end of } the studio. With the exception of a few minor mishaps, celebrities will } clamor to be on the show, eager to be "shot." The center tube is, of } course, larger than the surrounding tubes in order to accomodate the } larger celebra like Roseanne, John Goodman, and Louie Anderson (who at } the end of the third season suffers a nasty singe on his posterior when } too much gunpowder is used to shoot him from his tube). } } Some other variations on well-known game shows, most of which will fail } miserably: } } Urban Jeopardy: "From a studio in an undisclosed warehouse deep in the } heart of Brooklyn, it's Urban Jeopardy, with your host, Bernie X." In } this variation on the famed "Jeopardy," contestants vie for various } narcotics and sneakers, by answering clues in the form of a question. } For instance, a recent "answer" of "Da bee-yatch stole my car and run } off with one of the brothas" got the correct response of "What up?" } } Wheel of Gouda: Just like the original Wheel, with the dollar amounts } substituted with cheeses of the world. } } Who Wants To Be?: A variation on the popular game show where } contestants philosophize on life by choosing among four multiple choice } meanings. } } The priceline.com Is Right: Host William Shatner sings badly, } challenging contestants to survive the half-hour version of "Inna Gadda } Da Vida." Winners receive a flight to anywhere in the continental U.S., } generally as far away as possible. } } Name That 'Coon: This variation on "Name That Tune" wherein players try } to figure out the name of a guest raccoon was cancelled after the first } two episodes when the Rev. Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson } launched an all-out boycott against the network. } } You owe the Oracle some fresh batteries for the remote. --- 1153-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I'm trying out to be a contestant on "Who Wants To Be A > Millionaire?", and I need to choose 5 people to be my phone-a-friend > lifeline. Would it be alright if I put you on my list? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you considered the fact it might look bad suggesting that you } count an amorphous Internet entity as one of your five closest } friends? } } You owe the Oracle a unicorn. --- 1153-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most artful and circumspect, > > How can I prepare for my next assignment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, go to a pawn shop and retrieve a diamond engagement ring. You } will need this to cut open the window. Cost isn't important, as long } as it contains a diamond. } } when you cut the window open, save a bit of glass - you will need this } to alter a laser slightly. } } You will also need one set of OS/2 Warp 4 install disks, Norton Disk } Doctor version 1 for DOS (trust me here), four pencils (#2.5) and one } square foot of leopard print spandex. } } You owe the Oracle the roll of transparent tape. --- 1153-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and randy Oracle, who can get it up like a caber, please tell > me... > > Now that James Doohan is going to be a dad at 80, what other aging > celebrities will do notable things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, supplicant, you have stumbled upon a topic near and dear to my, } ahem, heart, as my lovely girlfriend Lisa will enthusiastically attest } to. } } Among those who have attained octogenarian status and over, who will do } great things, are: } } * Lillian Carter, will raise money for the Peace Corps by performing } her own special version of the dance of the seven veils, live on stage } in Las Vegas. It is still undecided if she will raise money by taking } off the veils, or by leaving them on. } } * George Burns, although dead, will marry an as yet unnamed Penthouse } Playmate(r) and will proceed (throught the miracle of cloning) to sire } a new line of comedians who will bring about the rebirth of vaudeville. } } * Bob Dole will overdose on viagra(r). Sales will boom. } } * Johnny Carson will overdose on viagra(r). Sales will skyrocket. } } * John-Paul II will overdose on viagra(r). It will outsell asprin. } } * Keith Richards will be revealed to acually be thousands of years } old. The rock press will switch from telling jokes about how he looks } like a mummy to reverent comments on how "well preserved" he looks for } a multi-millenarian. He will write a tell-all book and confess to being } "into hemlock" in ancient Athens. } } * Last but not least, on advice from her psychic advisor, (after the } assassination of Vice President Gore) Nancy & Ronald Regan will run for } the Presidency of the United States. Their campaign slogan will be, } "Who would you prefer to be president of this country? A brain-numb } lier from Texas, a loudmouth neo-nazi nutcase, or nice old guy with } alzheimers and his ditzy wife who's a really snappy dresser?" The } Reagan/Reagan ticket will win in a landslide. } } You owe the Oracle a really big jar of Viagra (not that he needs it, of } course) or stock in Pfizer. --- 1153-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Surely all this caffeine can't be *that* bad for me, can it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHAT HAS FIVE LEGS, THREE EYES, SPOTS, AND SPINS WILDLY } WHENEVER THE CUBS LOSE? } } I have no idea, but Oracle Enterprises has just announced } the latest in morning beverages[1]. Jump start your mornings } with-- } } ELECTRIC MORN(tm) } the morning beverage of gods } } Originally brewed by the god Mercury for his equals, } Electric Morn(tm) has eight and a half times the caffeine of } most coffees and teas and up to ten times the caffeine found } in a single Jolt Cola[2]. It will have you alert faster than } your competition. Drink a pot and travel forward in time[3]. } And the taste--mmm, mmm, god[4]. } } Now Available In The Following Flavors } Parthenut } Julius Cinnamon } Nero's Mocha Almond } } Coming Soon To Your Favorite Temple } } ELECTRIC MORN(tm) } the morning beverage of gods } } [1] Looks like, smells like and tastes like coffee, but FDA } regulations prevent us from calling it such. } [2] Statistics provided by Zadoc Testing, Inc. (Serving the } Greater Indianapolis area for over a thousand years). } [3] The years 2012 through 2025 should, however, be avoided. } [4] Because tastes vary, Electric Morn(tm) also available } intravenously (also endorsed by the Council for Traffic } Safety and the Department of Transportation). } [5] You owe the Oracle some downers. --- 1153-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Insert Meta-Question Here] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Professor Oracle: And what do we have here class? } } Kendai: A lame question? } } Professor Orrie: Besides that? } } Zadoc: Oh great Oracle, you are... } } Professor Orrie: Shut up Zadoc. Did *anyone* do the required } reading? } } [ deathly silence ] } } Professor Oracle: This is a cowbird question. It is a non- } question that gets sent in over and over } again just for the heck of it. The cowbird } question pushes legitimate questions out } of the queue each time it is resubmitted, } demanding the attention of the incarnations } whose time would be better spent answering } more creative queries. Cowbirds such as this } turkey here are resubmitted the second the } supplicant gets a reply, no matter what the } reply is. The cowbird questioner rarely } answers the question he gets for the cow- } bird's goal is. . . } } TA Lisa: Sir, it's break time. } } Kendai: Dude. } } [ class empties abruptly ] --- 1153-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 88 88 > 88 88 > 88 88 > 88aaaaaaaa88 ,adPPYba, 8b d8 > 88""""""""88 a8P_____88 `8b d8' > 88 88 8PP""""""" `8b d8' > 88 88 "8b, ,aa `8b,d8' > 88 88 `"Ybbd8"' Y88' > d8' > d8' > > ,ad8888ba, 88 > d8"' `"8b "" > d8' `8b > 88 88 8b,dPPYba, 8b,dPPYba, 88 ,adPPYba, > 88 88 88P' "Y8 88P' "Y8 88 a8P_____88 > Y8, ,8P 88 88 88 8PP""""""" aaa > Y8a. .a8P 88 88 88 "8b, ,aa "88 > `"Y8888Y"' 88 88 88 `"Ybbd8"' d8' > 8" > > 88888888888 88 88 > 88 "" 88 ,d > 88 88 88 > 88aaaaa 88 ,adPPYb,d8 88 ,adPPYba, MM88MMM > 88""""" 88 a8" `Y88 88 a8P_____88 88 > 88 88 8b 88 88 8PP""""""" 88 > 88 88 "8a, ,d88 88 "8b, ,aa 88, > 88 88 `"YbbdP"Y8 88 `"Ybbd8"' "Y888 > aa, ,88 > "Y8bbdP" > > 888888888888 88 88 88 ad88888ba 88 > 88 88 88 88 d8" "8b 88 > 88 88 88 88 Y8, 88 > 88 88aaaaaaaa88 88 `Y8aaaaa, 88 > 88 88""""""""88 88 `"""""8b, 88 > 88 88 88 88 `8b "" > 88 88 88 88 Y8a a8P aa > 88 88 88 88 "Y88888P" 88 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So it's true, those who lack size in certain attributes, } try to compensate in other areas. } } You owe The Oracle a magnifying glass. --- 1153-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ROSS CLEMENT: Nothing new to report on the ZOTlord front. > > PAUL KELLY: Not much happening with the search for Zadoc, either. > > MVSOPEN: Sorry, I'm new here; what are these guys talking about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } VO: They're talking about the new craze that's sweeping the nation! } } Gratuitous references to priests! Yes, just mention a priest by } name and you'll be digested! It's that simple! } } And for $49.95, plus tax and shipping and handling, we'll show } you how! } } ---= [ sound of a needle skating across a record ] =--- } } New Kinder Gentler VO: } } Don't be taken in by false claims such as these! Offers like } this are frauds. Plain and simple. Don't be fooled. } } This message brought to you by the Better Queue Bureau. --- 1153-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O divine Oracle, come with all your wisdom, appear this time-slice, > and by your guidance save this mortal from ignorance, > > What's the nicest way to tell my friend I've had a hand in getting > them transfer to the office in Podunk so I can have their current > job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to Orrie Mountain Online Cards! } --------------------------------------- } } What is Orrie Mountain Online Cards? } We are the largest online electronic card publisher in the world! } And it's all free! How can this be free? Well, it involves some } offshore investments and a questionable tax loophole, but that's } besides the point. We tell everyone it's banners. } } So what do we do? We make cards! You can fill out your friend or } loved one's email address, add your own personal touches, and then } send it off! Your friend or loved one will be notified by email } that a card has arrived, then they can check them out on the web! } } So what kind of cards do we offer? We offer everything! You name } it we got it! Birthday, retirement, bris, Christmas, whatever! } Our searchable index has specific cards for whatever occassion! } Just check out some of these sample cards! } } } I'm sorry your new baby isn't the same race as your husband. } } } Don't worry! I'm sure you'll lose those girlscout cookie pounds! } } } I'm sorry I took your job and had you transferred to Podunk } } } Happy Druidic Festival of the Solar Circulation! } } } Sure you waited until you were 35 to get circumcised, } but I'm sure you'll never miss it! } } } I know your husband's out of town and wanted to offer my services. } } } Merry Ides of March! } } So you can see, we have a card for any occasion! Just drop by at } Orriemountain.com } } You owe the Oracle a Merry Pol Pot Day card.