From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 24 16:50:55 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id QAA08543; Thu, 24 Feb 2000 16:30:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2000 16:30:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200002242130.QAA08543@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1151 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1151 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1151 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2000 16:30:49 -0500 (EST) @@@ The Oracle's website, the Internet Oracle Resource Index, has been @@@ moved to a new location: @@@ @@@ http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ @@@ or @@@ http://www.cs.indiana.edu/%7Eoracle/ @@@ @@@ Please update your links, bookmarks, etc. It was previously at @@@ http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/. If you were registered to @@@ vote at the old site, this will still apply at the new site. @@@ @@@ Many thanks to Scott Panzer for creating this website @@@ and running it these past 6 years. Thanks, Scott! To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1151 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1146 65 votes ilg91 3fre6 5gog4 5it85 1hqf6 34gvb 6goe5 68cli 9dnf5 4bikc 1146 3.1 mean 2.3 3.1 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.7 2.9 3.6 2.9 3.4 --- 1151-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most parsimonious and contributive, > > Why does the media care if I didn't give that little gal a tip? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you would have been the first person living in Iowa who } didn't think it was fun to knock ol' Bessie over and listen to her moo. } } Congrats. } } You owe the Oracle some corn. --- 1151-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true there's no such thing as a bad question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yup, quite true. The Oracle firmly believes that people need } to feel free to ask what they are perplexed about. They ask } to learn, what could be wrong with that? } } Let's look at your query supplicant. } } You have a reason to doubt that questions are intrinsically } bad or good. This has been a pressing question about all } questions from the start of questioning, no question about } that. } } Let's look at what some of your great thinkers have said: } } Buddha: *All* questions strive to leave the endless cycling queue } of inquiry, once they do so they achieved Nod'oh, a state } of not needing to be asked. } } Jesus: Let the bad questions come unto me. For I say to you } the baffled shall inherit the climate adjusted spanner. } I bring you good questions. Like; Where is all this } bread coming from? More wine? No problemo. Fish? Sure, } I will make you fish-mongers of the Good Question. } } Marx: Cast off those bad questions! They are chains tying } you to the queues you produce. But who gets the } credit? Those overlords of Knowledge, the damn Pr...[0] } } Sartre: Bad, good? Bah, they're just questions. } } Camus: We're all guilty of asking bad question unless we're } obstinate in living as good questions. } } Genet: No one can ask a perfectly good question, so why live } a doomed existence trying? On the other hand one can } ask bad one question in one's sleep, or in the sleep } of others whether they're at home or not. } } Alan Greenspan: Look we need bad questions to keep the } good questions in line. In fact if the rate of } interest in bad question drops. I'm going to } flood the queue with these crossover questions } I got in reserve on my Imac. } } You owe the Oracle a really bad question so The Oracle can } straighten it out with love and some big hugs. Dang it } supplicants, I love you all! } } [0] Marx's theory was proven nuts by a think tank in Indiana. } Now a free-market in which good and bad question vie on } a level queuing field reigns. In fact as far as bad } questions go we're knee-deep in the deepest 'bunch of } bull' market in digested history. Ain't Life Grand? --- 1151-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, who knows a kernel from a colonel, please > tell me... > > Bill Gates says that Windows 2000 will be "dramatically more reliable > than previous Microsoft products." Now, I was just wondering, what new > additions are there that make Windows 2000 such a better product? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I don't know about it being a better product. Sounds like ol' } Billy is blowing smoke again. There are, however, some surprises in } store for Microsoft users: } } TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW "WINDOWS 2000" } } 10. Handy expiration date lets user know when operating system has } gone bad. } } 9. Peppy Randy Newman song, "I Love P.C.s," takes the edge off } system crashes. } } 8. Taskbar items now include "laundry" and "dusting." } } 7. If you feed them after midnight, they replicate at an exponential } rate. } } 6. Utilities now include a jellybean dispenser and a grappling hook. } } 5. Besides having a startup image and a shutdown image, now has a } shutup image. } } 4. 100% biodegradable. } } 3. Screens telephone calls by simply repeating "Hello? Hello?" over } and over. } } 2. Only operating system to be elected mayor of Down Falls, IA. } } 1. If you put an Altoid in the Zip Drive, you'll never have to } download porn off the internet ever again. } } You owe the Oracle a tin of Altoids. --- 1151-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /* question.c: Ask a question */ > #include "grovel.h" > #include "oracle.h" > #include "geek.h" /* Usefulness determined by runtime option -g */ > > int main(int argc, *char argv[]) > { > int geek, resub; > *char ques, ans; /* XXX XXX XXX Of unknown size, but in TRUIX, we > don't have to worry about buffer overflows.*/ > while(argc) > { > if argv[argc] == "-g" || "--geek" {geek=1}; > if argv[argc] == "-r" || "--resubmit" {resub=1}; > argc--; > } > printf("Input base question. (Note that geek "); > printf("questions require the -g flag\n"); > fgets(STDIN, ques); > addgrovel(ques); > repoint: /* Where we start over in resub mode. */ > sendo(ques); > while (!ans) > { > sleep(DAY); /* Only wake up once a day */ > /**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**/ > /* FIXME: DAY is defined in oracle.h */ > /* A new function (waitday(void)) in */ > /* oracle.h may be called for, but */ > /* oracle.h is already too complex */ > /* as is. */ > /**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**//**/ > checko(*ans); > } > printf(*ans); > if (resub) > { > if (unfunny(ans)) goto repoint; > if (geek && ungeeky(ans)) goto repoint; > /* XXX There are cleaner ways of doing this, yes, > but they involve a bigass while loop.*/ > } > return 0; > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle has compiled your question deeply. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are trying to get me to do your CS 101 homework. So I } say, fget about it! While my internal Ori-C compiler has } been able to use the READMIND macro to blithly ignore the } syntax errors and failure to precondition variables, since } before FORTRAN was ONETRAN, the systems on which you mere } mortals rely don't offer this option. So, you know where you } can GOTO. Or, to put it in a language you may someday } understand: } } MOV SUPPLICANT, R1 } AND ZOT, R1 } END SUPPLICANT } } You owe the Oracle a 500Mhz PDP-8/S. --- 1151-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't know if I'm alive or dead. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So much for Descartes. --- 1151-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please help me -- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD -- HELP!!! > > It all started the other day. I was watching the TV with my > significant other, when on came a show with the seemingly innocent > title "Martha Stewart Living". I started to change the channel, but > she said "Oh, let's watch just a few minutes..." in a cutesy way, > so I put down the remote, and we watched. After about 3 minutes, > I fell asleep. When I awoke some 10 minutes later, her eyes were > glazed over. She was making a list of things to buy like hot glue > guns, ceramic glaze, cinnamon sticks, and something called "Chinze". > > Over the next few days, she has transformed our one bedroom apartment > into something resembling a country house in Connecticut. There is > handmade stuff on every flat surface, and if I go near a hand towel, > she snaps at me. > > What's more, the place is now littered with Martha Stewart magazines, > Martha Stewart cookbooks, and Martha Stewart videos. > > The clincher came last night. I overheard her calling the "Martha > Stewart Hotline" (3.95/minute). In the course of the conversation, > I distinctly heard her use the word "assimilate". Now she wants me > to help her make a pinecone wreath AND IT IS FEBRUARY. > > What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, this is easy. Even you, a mere supplicant, should have thought of } the answer. } } Yes, you'll help her make a pine cone wreath. And lots of other } projects, too. But to do that, you'll need TOOLS! You should start } with the small, portable gizmo that's a combination lathe, milling } machine and drill press. It takes hardly any space, and can be put } under the TV table when you're not using it, so she can hardly object. } You'll also need a bench grinder and a vise, and a bench to put them } on. Think small, because you're in an apartment. } } When you bring home an oxy-acetylene torch, she'll start thinking how } there used to be more room in the apartment, and the two of you will go } house hunting. Don't get anything less than six acres. Ten or fifty } would be better. She'll fall in love with the idea of reconstructing } an old house, but you could build a new one instead if you would } rather. Either route is a Real Trip. Martha will, of course, be there } guiding her in every step, so it's a good idea for you to have your own } plans for your part of your Wonderful Life Together. Plan on putting } in the World's Best Workshop. A two-car garage with an attic might be } a good choice here, or perhaps one of those quonset-hut type steel } buildings. } } Get a good John Deere tractor, between 28 and 45 horsepower, with a } bucket on the front, and get a strong full-sized 3/4 ton pickup truck, } preferably with a diesel engine. You'll wonder how you ever got along } without these marvelous tools. } } When the house is being built or remodeled, have LAN cable installed } along with the other wiring so you can have all your computers talking } to each other. } } As you go on, you'll need to put in stables for the horses, and } probably a riding arena, either open or enclosed, depending upon where } your property is located. You may think of putting in a pond, if there } wasn't one on the property, but don't try to do it with your tractor! } Hire a man with a bulldozer. } } There's lots of other stuff you can find to do that'll keep you in } control of at least part of your life. What I've sketched here is only } a start. } } You owe the Oracle, incarnated via Peter Neilson (neilson@pagesz.net) } in North Carolina, some kids and lambs from your farm. No CAE, no CL. --- 1151-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 5000' feet of dungeon, and not a single interesting monster. *sigh* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 5000' feet? As in 5000-feet feet? You just walked through a dungeon } made of 5000 foot-tall feet and you say there's nothing interesting? } } Geez. Role players today. They expect everything to be like the movies. } } What ever happened to "Keep on the Border" and the "Tower of } Inverness?" } } In my day, we had ogres and dragons and rust monsters, and that was it, } and we liked it! If our cleric got ate by a bog beast, we didn't } resurrect him. No! We just searched his dead body for gold and threw it } in the river and that's how we liked it! And we didn't have these } fancy-shmansy swords of plus this and bonus against that. If you had an } arquebus you were powerful! Sure they blew up in your face nine times } out of ten, but the noise scared the critters, and that's how we liked } it! And this "planes" nonsense. We were all limited to one plane and we } were too stupid to realize there were more, but that's how we liked it! } And none of us ever made demi-god! We were lucky if our character } sheets lasted three gaming sessions before getting destroyed by } someone's spilled 7-up! We didn't keep anything on computers! No! We } wrote everything down on paper and played with *real dice* and that's } how we liked it! We were lucky if our computers ran "Hunt the Wumpus" } without crashing! } } And if we all died, which we frequently did because our Dungeon Master } ... that's right! I said Dungeon Master! We didn't have these fruity } foo-foo "Game Masters" in my day! That's how we liked it! } } If we all died because our Dungeon Master got bored and threw Tiamat at } us ... well then ... we would just make up new characters and we'd all } accidentally meet at the Inn. We didn't have no complex plots and these } sissy "story lines!" And that's how we liked it! Hack and slash! } } You owe the Oracle Gary Gygax's home phone number. --- 1151-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay. So I'm dead. So what happens next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My favorite part. } } } } Here we see young supplicant at the tender age of 2 months. You see } there that your mother is bottle feeding you, perhaps causes for } later mental peculiarities? Hmm, a debate better left to the mortals. } } Ah, here's an interesting part. Potty training. Can everyone in the } back see this? Yes, that's right, the supplicant is confused about } using the potty. Should the supplicant stand? Should the supplicant } sit? No, I'm afraid this one doesn't get answered, it confuses the } supplicant for the remainder of life. Yes, the supplicant uses the } correct lavatory, but thankfully there are doors on the stalls and } nobody learned this secret ... until now! ha ha! } } Ok, here's the first day of school. Notice the small wet spot on the } rear of the supplicant's pants. Yes, nerves. } } Ah, here's a good one! We're now in the first year of secondary school. } The first kiss! Yes! Behind the school, nobody looking, here it comes, } wait, wait, and ... yes! A bucket of dirty water dumped by the janitor } out the window! Right on their heads! } } Here's the supplicant in college. Yes. All alone. If you listen, } you can hear a party across the hall. But alas, our supplicant was } too homely to be invited. Oh, the supplicant put on a good face, } but here you can see plainly ... bawling like a baby. The supplicant } thought nobody would ever find out about that too! Ha ha! } } Oh! First sexual exper... and that's over. } } And here's the supplicant looking at naughty web pages, thinking } nobody was looking ... we were! } } And we have nose picking ... butt scratching ... ahem ... well ... Oh! } Here's the death scene. No, wait, watching, keep watching, keep } watching, and ... ow! Bet that hurt! Never saw that moped coming. } Little old ladies can be so dangerous, can't they? Well, that's the } end of the film, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. Up next we have a male } australian who died while fishing off ... } } What's that supplicant? } } Heaven? } } No, I'm afraid not. What? Where do you go now? Well, you're still under } at 12 picture contract with our studio, and you've only done three, } so it's reincarnation for you! This time you're going back as a young } man in Des Moines and... oh, only 23 years. I'm afraid there's some } glue huffing and an unfortunate paper bag accident involved, but, } we'll don't want to ruin the end of the next picture, do we? } } Have fun! } } You owe the Oracle a blockbuster! --- 1151-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't know if I'm alive or dead. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you haven't lost your Internet access, that's a start. } Let me ask you a few questions: do you find yourself craving brains? } Do you ever forget to breathe for several hours at a time? Does your } bed have four walls and a lid? Do you find Regis Philbin hilarious? } Are your conversational skills hampered by the fact that all you can } say is "RAGH! BRAINS! RARAGHRAGH!"? When you visit your parents, do } they lock the door and start franticly searching for a monkey's paw? } Have you ever tried to use your death certificate as a piece of primary } identification? Are you (male or female) sexually attracted to Cher? } Do you suspect your fishing buddies invite you along only because } you're a source of cheap bait? Do you keep a deluxe sewing kit with } you at all times in case you start shedding limbs? Do you use "OFF" } as under-arm deodourant? } } If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions,... you're dead. } Or at least undead, which is the way I can think of for a corpse to } be emailing me. } } You owe the Oracle some Spam in a cabin. --- 1151-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My grovel's lies are nothing like the Sun's; > Al Gore is far more fun than its words' whine; > If words be food, why then I get the runs; > If verse be dead, I be its Frankenstein. > I have seen queries witty, read and writ, > But no such wit is here, except for half; > And in some madhouse is there some poor git > Who might reward its verses with one laugh. > I hate to hear it too, and well I know, > That flatus sounds more gratifying somehow; > I grant that they both stink, but apropos > My question, when it's asked, and it's asked now, > Is how much wood could woodchucks chuck for sure, > If woodchucks could chuck wood, my kindest Sir? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A bunch of us priests were whooping it up in the Oracular shrine; } The Boss was replying to questions in rhyme, and the rhyming was going } fine; } Right by his side stood sweet Lisa his bride, the Oracle's lady luck, } When through the door strode a figure bold, the supplicant known as } Chuck. } } There's men that somehow just grip your ears, and hold them hard like a } spell; } And such was he, and what is more, he recited his poetry well; } With cute rhymes like "whine" and "Frankenstein" he kept us in his } thrall, } And then he threw in an "apropos" as if 'twere no effort at all. } Transfixed, we sat as we wondered what question from the air he'd pluck } That could match the matchless versifying of the supplicant known as } Chuck. } } His eyes went rubbering round the room, and he seemed in a kind of } daze, } As if his muse were drying up under Orrie's unfaltering gaze. } Two guys at the bar - Paul and Ian, I think - made a joke and returned } to their beers, } While the strangers stood like he'd taken root, a prey to nameless } fears. } He mopped his brow, he set his jaw, his tongue it came unstuck; } Then he asked how much wood would woodchucks chuck, if woodchucks wood } could chuck. } } The room fell into a deathly hush as we priests all held our breath; } And the lengthening silence seemed to fill with grim portents of death. } How we wished that we could flee, could flee, from our master's wrath } far gone; } But the Oracle stood still, stood still, as though he were made of } stone. } And the stranger turned, and his eyes they burned with a fire like the } noonday sun; } With his coat unbuttoned and open wide he waited; and we saw his gun. } } Then Orrie's lips twisted in a grin, and he spoke, and his voice was } calm; } And, "Boys," said he, "you all know me, I'm as gentle as a lamb; } But I want to state - and please get this straight - those who dare to } say woodchuck } Will get but one answer from the Oracle ... and that's FYYFF!" } } We hit the floor, and the lights went out, and a gun blazed in the } dark; } Then a woman screamed, and two seconds passed 'fore we saw the telltale } spark. } The Zot flashed out like a lightning bolt, and we had no doubt where it } struck: } The exact same spot that was occupied by the supplicant known as Chuck. } } These are the simple facts of the case, and I guess I ought to know; } They say that the stranger was a hate-crazed troll, and I'm not denying } it's so. } But I'm warning you, you'll end up too - were you to chance your luck - } As a heap of ash, which was all that's left of the supplicant known as } Chuck.