From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 16 09:06:24 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id IAA26064; Wed, 16 Feb 2000 08:37:53 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 08:37:53 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200002161337.IAA26064@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1149 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1149 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1149 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 08:37:53 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1149 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1144 67 votes 34nhk 3erf8 6jnb8 2mu85 7ddig 9hr95 28enk 2foi8 5hni4 7tid0 1144 3.1 mean 3.7 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.3 2.8 3.8 3.2 3.0 2.6 --- 1149-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a 34 year old adult male. I have a bean stuck up my nose, well, > a chick-pea actually, if you must know. I really don't want to go > to the Emergency Room, it would be very embarrassing. How can I get > this damn thing outta my nose??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *sigh* I won't ask you how it got there, since I'm omniscient and I } already know. But honestly, supplicant, this happens every time you } make hummos. } } Fortunately, you do have some options... } } [ The Internet Oracle's Top Ten Ways of Getting A Chick-Pea ] } [ Out of Your Nose ] } } (10) Use an electric carving knife to remove your nose. When you get } to the Emergency Room, no one will pay any attention to the chick-pea. } } (9) Withdraw $500 and go to the corner of Broadway and Main, where you } will meet a "lady" named Yvonne, who has the reputation of being able } to suck the nickel plating off a quarter. Tell her you want "a nasal". } } (8) Buy a plane ticket to Cairo. In the back alleys of Cairo, ask } around and you will eventually find an incredibly ancient man named } Hadeem, who is the last man living who can perform the ancient } Egyptian mummification process. Have him use the iron hook used to } remove a corpse's brain through the nose to remove the chick pea. Be } *very* specific about what you want. He is hard of hearing. } } (7) Go to the local frat-house and tell the boys you'll buy a keg for } whoever can stuff the most chick-peas up their nose. After the } contest, proceed to the Emergency Room. It's far less embarrassing } being one of 57 nitwits with beans up their nose than being the only } nitwit with a bean up his nose. Whatever you do, don't forget to stop } at the beer store on the way home. } } (6) Go to see your local gardening pedant. Tell him that you have a } broad bean stuffed up your nose. He will argue that you couldn't } possibly have a broad bean up your nose, as broad beans are far too } wide to fit comfortably in the nostril. Bet him twenty dollars. } } (5) Two words: Nose weasels. } } (4) Try holistic, non-Western, non-judgmental medicine. An experienced } acupuncturist knows exactly where to stick a needle so as to stimulate } the right muscles that will force the chick-pea out like a cork from a } champagne bottle. However, you may not like where the needle goes. } } (3) Use a Zen approach. Do not remove the chick-pea from your } nose; you must remove your nose from the chick-pea. } } (2) Consult you nearest four-dimensional neighbour. If you ask nicely, } he/she can simply step up a little ways, reach into the offending } nostril and pull the bean out as simple as you please. For this } gracious act, take him or her to the pub, buy him or her a beer and } some pretzels. It's a lot of fun to watch these guys untie the } pretzels. } } (1) If all else fails, you'll have to swallow your pride and go to the } Emergency room solo. Defuse the situation with humour. When the nurse } asks sternly why you have a garbanzo bean up your nose, start laughing } hysterically, and say, "That's nothing! I saw the [insert favourite } ethnic group here] guy coming around the corner with a watermelon!". } } You owe the Oracle some hummos (made by somebody else) and the number } of a good ear, nose, and throat specialist. --- 1149-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are those females in all those porno pictures on the Internet > real? Or are they just creations of computer generated picture > programs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it depends on what you mean by 'real'. } } Some of the ladies you'll find on those web sites that no nice } boy should be visiting are marvels of modern engineering technology. } } Tens of thousands of dollars have been spent producing mammaries } more appropriate to a Jersey cow, their cleavage could fairly be } described as "Silicon Valley", their lips (and, so I'm told, other less } mentionable parts) are artificially inflated with collagen, their skin } colour darkened by injesting all manner of chemicals, their hair } peroxided to the extent that they almost look like albinos, their teeth } have been polished, straightened, or simply replaced with plastic } replicas, their eye colour modified by tinted contact lenses, their } noses straightened, reduced, or, in extreme cases, tied in a knot, and } if they have one more face-lift, they'll have a beard. } } And after the photo-shoot is over, there's usually a few hours of } retouching in photo-shop before the result is posted on the web. } } Not much left of the original, eh ? } } In fact, that busty blonde in the 'interesting' pose with the } baseball-bat, well, his name is George, and he's a 42 year old } Vietnamese taxi driver from Detroit. } } Sorry to ruin your fantasies (or have I enhanced them ?) } } You owe The Oracle the phone number of that woman with the Great Dane. --- 1149-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear somewhat-un-German Oracle, I asked you this question earlier in > German, and you must have hired a particularly anti-Teutonic > incarnation that day, because the only reply I got was an insult in > fake German. Anyway, for the benefit of the uneducated (that's not you > at all, of course, merely the vast and unwashed collection of > supplicants, incarnations and marmots that plague your life) I shall > translate my question into English. > > Here's the original: > > Wenn die Erdachse senkrecht zur Umlaufbahn stehen wuerde, haetten wir > denn immer Fruehling, Sommer, Herbst oder Winter? > > And the Uebersetzung ins Englisch: > > If the Earth's axis were perpendicular to its orbit, would we then > always have Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter? > > You may answer in whatever language pleases you, as I have several > babelfish at my disposal. (And if they don't work, down the disposal > they go!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, dear supplicant. } } We'd have Ingspr, Mersum, Umnaut and Terwin. } } You owe the Oracle season names that don't sound like Ikea products. --- 1149-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and great, whose knowlege is boundless, whose > sexual prowess is unrivalled, whose speed at eating a bowl of cheerios > is unmatched: If you are omnipotent (as you most suredly are) and > Steve Kinzler created you... does that not make him omnipotent also, > possibly even more so than yourself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nonono, no, *no*. Take the French and their TGVs } for example. The trains weigh several (metric) tons each, never die of } hepatic cirrhosis, and never grow a ridiculous moustache regardless of } sex. Yet their creators, the French, weigh a mere 77 kg on average, die } of hepatic cirrhosis (exactly once, on the average) and invariably } sport ominous dark bristles on their upper lips, although admittedly } some of them are just nose hair. } } Or, for another example, Douglas Hofstadter created the book } "Godel, Escher, Bach" which was clever and entertaining and filled with } insight into the nature of intelligence, well obviously it doesn't mean } that Douglas Hofstadter is clever, or entertaining, or filled with } insight into the nature of intelligence. } } Likewise, just because I'm omnipotent, it doesn't follow that my } creator Kinzler is omnipotent as well. } } Really, if Kinzler was omnipotent, he wouldn't have to work so hard to } make a living, he'd probably be a senior systems analyst or something } easy like that. } } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } You owe the Oracle an omnipotent 'bot for replying to questions like th } --- 1149-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most horticultural, who could grow fields of orchids in the lint > found in the bottom of a used sock, > > Why are peaches fuzzy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I have to take the blame for that one. } } You see, the various deities were assigned different aspects of } creation, and, among other things, I got the stone-fruits. } } I'd just finished mangos, when Loki and Thor called round, and } suggested we pop out to the pub for a quick one. We met up with } Aphrodite, Athena, and some of the nymphs, one thing led to another, } and, to cut a long story short, it was threee days later that a very } hung-over Oracle staggered back to the creation site. } } Peaches have been out-of-focus ever since. } } You owe The Oracle an effective hangover cure. --- 1149-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any dinosaurs left? I need to get the kid something > special for birthday. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Narrator: Hey kids! Are you bored? } } Birthday Kid: Piss off. } } Narrator: Well you don't have to be bored no more because Veets-co, } makers of Squirrel-b-ded, the magic flying locust, and "Smile Flavored } Hello!(tm)" present Dino-in-a-pill! } } } } Narrator: That's right! With Dino-in-a-pill, you can have prehistoric } fun any time you want! Just drop the pill in a bucket of water and in } just minutes... } } } } Narrator: You can have a "REAL" dinosaur in your own back yard! } } } } Narrator: With five different species to choose from, it's a party } waiting to happen! } } } } Narrator: Nothing is more fun than having your own pet dinosaur! } } } } Narrator: So order your Dino-in-a-Pill today! } } You owe the Oracle "Nymph-in-a-pill." --- 1149-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and virile Oracle, why is it called menopause when it's > something women get? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10) Because the term LEAVEMEALONEDAMNIT was taken by some domain } name squatters } 09) What is really scary about the term 'menopause' is that it's } an anagram for 'enema soup' } 08) 'Femalopause' sounded too much like an antibacterial soap } 07) 'get'? It's not a disease young man, damn it's hot in here } no, wait it's too cold... } 06) They were going to call it "ThankGodNoMorePeriods", but that } was too obvious } 05) Menstruation pauses, D'oh! } 04) It rhymed with Santa Claus, which seemed important at the time } 03) PermanentlyLimpism didn't seem to apply as well to females } of the same age, so they came up with another term for women } 02) Plato had dibs on all variations of plays on the term } 'dry cave that isn't what it seems' } 01) Men decided to give the event a lame name hoping it would } discourage females from longing a time when they be free } of The Curse --- 1149-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Doesn't sadomasochism highlight a problem with The > Golden Rule of 'Do unto to others as you would they do > unto you'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Spank me, and I'll answer your question. --- 1149-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Awe-inspiring Oracle, you are far wiser than me, > > How can I be sure to get a job I'll like as much after > the tenth year as I do on the first day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Take a job you hate. --- 1149-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is 1+1 always 2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, come on, supplicant. Every schoolchild knows that one plus one } equals ONE, not TWO. You're telling me you were unaware of this fact? } } Oh, I get it. You're one of those skeptical types who wants } "evidence" for everything. Right. Well, here you go, FIVE proofs } that 1 + 1 = 1: } } ====================================================================== } 1. The Algebraic Proof } } Let: a = 1 } b = 1 } } a = b } a^2 = ab } a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2 } (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b) } a + b = b } 1 + 1 = 1 } } ====================================================================== } 2. The Algebra Teacher's Proof } } OK, everyone, now open your textbooks to page ... 103. No ... 102. } There, now, oh, uh... } } Alright, now first let's review yesterday's lesson. Now, to prove } that one plus one equals... } } Why isn't the overhead projector working? } } Oh, I see. [plugs it in] } } Now to prove that... } } Oh. Alright, let me get a new bulb. Just a minute. } } There. } } Now, first we see that: } } a^2 + b^2 = c^2 } } Oh, uh. Let me get the right book out... } } Now first- } } Kevin, I've warned you about that once already. } } Now, first we see that: } } a = b } } Then: } } a + a = a + b } } No, wait. } } OK, we see that: } } a^2 = ab } } And- } } What, are we out of time already? Alright, we'll continue tomorrow. } Your assigned chapters are on the board, just below the "Algebra is } Fun!" sign. } } ====================================================================== } 3. The Algebra Teacher's Proof (Whole Math) } } OK, everyone, now arrange your desks in this pattern show here... No, } wait, uh, this pattern. } } Good, now take a look at this stylized drawing of a "1..." } } 1 } } Now, see when I... } } Oh, uh, I think I need a new bulb. Just a minute... } } Now, see when I draw these arrows, like this... } | } \|/ } --> 1 <--- } | } } There, that represents- } } Kevin... } } Ok, now that represents all the sets containing a "1." Now, when I } draw another "1", next to it, like, uh... } | /|\ } \|/ | } --> 1 <--- <--- 1 ---> } | \|/ } } There, now we see how a set can both contain and not contain a "1..." } } Now, the point is, uh, what is point? Uh... } } Oh, are we out of time already? Alright, we'll continue tomorrow. } Your assigned Group Activities are on the board, just below the } "Whole Algebra is Fun!" sign. } } ====================================================================== } 4. The Political Proof } } POLITICIAN #1: Look, all I'm saying is that your claim isn't true. } You can't say that without me calling you on it. } } POLITICIAN #2: How do you know that it's false? } } #1: Look, I *know* you aren't Luke Skywalker. } } #2: That's typical Washington Insider reasoning. I'm an outsider } here. My campaign isn't crawling with lobbyists telling me that } I'm not Luke Skywalker. Maybe you should listen to the American } people more. } } #1: Can you prove that you are Luke Skywalker? } } #2: Why don't *you* prove that I'm not? } } #1: Well, if you can be Luke Skywalker, then I can be Han Solo. } And good can be evil. And positive can be negative. And one } plus can equal- } } #2: *I'm* not the one going negative. I promised a positive campaign. } And stop interrupting me. } } #1: You're the one being negative here. } } #2: No, *you* are. } } #1: Am not. } } #2: Are too. } } #1: Am not. } } #2: Are too... } } ====================================================================== } 5. The Religious Proof } } ... for the LORD GOD called upon ME to tell YOU, yes YOU, that } math-AH-matics is of SATAN! Yes, SATAN! For the NUMBERS THEMSELVES } are of the BEAST, the most FOUL and CRUEL of SATAN'S MINIONS! For ALL } the NUMBERS can be CREATED with THREE SIXES! THREE SIXES, I say! Now } look upon this PROJECTION from GOD ABOVE ... } } Why isn't the overhead projector working? } } [to projector] If you believe in the LORD, be HEEEEEEAAAALED! [thump] } } There, now the LOOORD JEEESUS ALMIGHTY has shown me that: } } 0 = (6 - 6) / 6 } } Yes, SIX minus SIX OOOVER SIX. Why, the FORNICATION, the FILLLLLTH... } the BEAST HIMSELF has CREATED this number from the PITS of the DAMNED. } } And look NOW, LOOK if you DARE to ALLOW YOURSELF, UPON THIS projection } from GAWWWWWWWWD HIMSELF: } } 1 = (6 / 6) ^ 6 } } YES, SIX over SIX to the SIXTH power. Can you feel the POWER of } JESUS, I ask? Can you? For if you CANNOT, the TEMPTATIONS of SATAN } will OVERCOME your SOUL, and YOU will be DAMNED TO THE INNERMOST } CIRCLE of HELL. Speaking of circles: } } sin(pi) = (6 - 6) / 6 } } Yes, the SIN of the BEAST is WITHIN every CIRCLE! The EVIL is WITHIN- } } What, are we out of time already? Alright then, we'll continue next } week... } } ====================================================================== } You owe the Oracle a suffusion of yellow.