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=== 1144 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1144
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 17:30:11 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    1144
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1139  66 votes mqc60 hmcc3 dkjc2 6jhg8 bgie7 4exc3 ajmd2 39ql7 5lkb9 9fcjb
1139  2.8 mean  2.0   2.4   2.5   3.0   2.8   2.9   2.7   3.3   3.0   3.1

--- 1144-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have no life, and I must scream.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And there we have it, modern music summed up in one tidy sentence.

--- 1144-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who holds the keys to happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try this little experiment.....
}
} Take all the neck-ties you own, and carefully lay them out end-to-end,
} now add to the line all the briefcases you own,
} then add to that all the suits you own,
} and all the mobile-phone bills you have on file,
}
} Now measure the line very carefully.
} That is the exact distance you are from happiness.
}
} You owe The Oracle an extra-large bottle of Prozak.

--- 1144-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Amazing Oracle, whose gourmand perceptiveness is outweighed only by his
> culinary talent,
>
> What should I have for lunch today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest food.
}
} Oh sure you could down some martinis. Or eat your secretary,
} but those things aren't healthy, not good for you in the
} way food is.
}
} Food sticks to one's ribs. Fills ya up. Curbs your hunger
} to boot.
}
} Yup, I suggest you eat food.
}
} No tribute needed today, mostly cause it irks the rabble if
} I don't ask for them. And I'm in that kind of mood.

--- 1144-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> No Deity is more respected by the POSIX compliant than the Oracle, for
> the Oracle is so inspirational that his doodles have yielded insights
> in both nuclear physics and dental care.
>
> What does the average Australian think of celery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Here`s a look into the "average Australian`s" view of celery.
}
}   Hey! What`s this bit of grass doing by my Kangaroo tail steak?
} Give me another Fosters. (Actually an average Australian would want a
} Lemon Dog Brew, but Fosters is a much more world-wide selling drink*).
}
} *This is mainly because nobody in Australia will drink it.
}
}   You owe the oracle a XXXX 2 pint bottle of beer.

--- 1144-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> INVITATION
> You are hereby invited to die at 3:00PM tomorrow before Dark Lord
> Zadoc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZaaaaaaaaDOOOOOOOOOOC!
}
} <Zadoc leaps into the room, swiftly crossing to the rug in front of the
} Oracle's throne. No small feat, since he never left his knees>
}
} Zadoc: Um, yes your lordfulness?
}
} Oracle: Do you mind telling me what this is all about?
}
} <He hands Zadoc the invitation. Zadoc's face whitens as he reads it.>
}
} Zadoc: Um, well, you see...
}
} Oracle: OUT WITH IT!
}
} Zadoc: Um, well, that is... See, Kendai and I were watching a re-run of
} DS9, and we thought it would be cool to see what the alternate of this
} universe would be like.
}
} Oracle: And you found?
}
} Zadoc: That in the nega-verse, the Internet Oracle's name is Zadoc, and
} he's not as kind and forgiving as yourself.
}
} Oracle: Hmmm. So, the nega-Zadoc is evil, has overthrown the
} nega-Oracle, and has now travelled to our universe to overthrow me as
} well. Well, since the Nega-Zadoc is here, in this universe, I believe I
} will travel to the nega-universe to visit the priests there and find
} out more about him.
}
} <Cut to the Oracle and Zadoc altering the controls to the transporter
} pad. They set the transporter to go automatically and step on the
} pads.>
}
} <Cut to a darkened hallway. Torches line the walls. Zadoc and the
} Oracle materialize. Suddenly, a gigantic rodent barrels down the
} hallway, almost knocking Zadoc and the Oracle over.>
}
} Zadoc: Good god! What was that!
}
} Oracle: Something I was afraid of. A gigantic w**dc**k.
}
} Zadoc: <shudder>
}
} Oracle: If this temple is a negative of my temple, then I believe, if
} we go right, we should... aha!
}
} <The two enter what appears to be a lab of some sort>
}
} Zadoc: What the heck is in those cages?
}
} Oracle: Dark green nepalese hippie hamsters. Milligram for milligram,
} the most peace-loving creatures that ever existed.
}
} <Just then a priest enters the room>
}
} Priest: Your highness, you aren't wearing black!
}
} Oracle <to Zadoc>: My god! It's nega-Paul Kelly!
}
} Priest: What? My name is Saul M. Deli! Your greatness, Are you OK?
}
} Oracle: Actually, I don't believe you would consider me OK. You see,
} I'm the Oracle in...
}
} Priest: Silence Supplicant! I was speaking to the Oracle!
}
} Oracle: Oh yes, of course. I'm sure his worshipfulness was just about
} to ask where the other priests are.
}
} Zadoc: Um yes. Where are the other priests?
}
} Saul: Well, Cross Remnant is playing lawn darts with Blythe Dolan,
} Curtis Bile is draining the moat, and I think Mugsy Aberdeen and the
} rest are at the woodchuck festival.
}
} Zadoc <to Oracle>: Gasp! He said the word without asterixes!
}
} <Just then, a w**dc**k walks into the room and begins to nuzzle against
} Saul>
}
} Oracle: This is indeed a horrible universe, the w**dc**ks here are
} friendly! but it gives me an idea. It's already 2:30, we have to hurry.
} Find out if the nega-Zadoc left his staff of Zot here and let's get out
} of here.
}
} Zadoc: Saul, do you know where I put my staff of Zot?
}
} Saul: Staff of... Oh! Good one, your reversiness. But, I believe you
} took your staff of Toz with you this morning.
}
} Oracle: Damn. Ok, let's get out of here.
}
} <Cut to a grassy field, reminiscent of the battle scene in
} "Braveheart">
}
} Oracle <glancing at his watch>: It's 2:59, he'll be here any minute. Is
} everything all set?
}
} Zadoc: Yep. I did what you asked me too. Here's your anti-grav belt.
}
} <At that point, a darkly-clad Zadoc reaches the top of the hill on the
} other side of the valley>
}
} Nega-Zadoc: So! You actually showed up. But you won't be here for long
} once I give you a taste of my ... Staff of Toz!
}
} <Nega-Zadoc fires off a shot at the Oracle, who fires a zot in defense.
} The two blasts collide and cancel each other out.>
}
} Nega-Zadoc: Ha! We cancel each other out perfectly. Well, I guess I'll
} just have to use my secret weapon!
}
} <A forklift brings a humungous box up behind Nega-Zadoc>
}
} Oracle <in a trembling voice>: Wha... what's in the box?
}
} Nega-Zadoc: Well, it seems one of your priests ratted you out. I
} received a telegram a half-hour ago informing me that your greatest
} fear is...
}
} <He flips a lever and the sides of the box fall away>
}
} Nega-Zadoc: Woodchucks!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
}
} <Hundreds of w**dc**ks pour out of the box>
}
} Oracle: Ha ha! You've forgotten one thing!
}
} Nega-Zadoc: And what's that?
}
} Oracle: The w**dc**ks in your universe may be friendly,
}
} <Suddenly, a woodchuck jumps up and bites Nega-Zadoc's arm off in a
} comical, Monty Python fashion.>
}
} Oracle: But this is your nega-universe! They're nasty and evil here!
}
} <Nega-Zadoc screams as the horde of woodchucks piles on him. Slowly,
} the screams fade away. The w**dc**ks turn their attention on the Oracle
} and Zadoc. As they cross the field, Nega-Zadoc's empty cloak can be
} seen on the ground>
}
} Oracle: Now, Zadoc!
}
} <Zadoc and the Oracle activate their anti-grav belts, floating away to
} safety>
}
} <Later, in the Oracle's temple>
}
} Kendai: So the whole place was a backwards version of here?
}
} Oracle: Yep. It was even located in Anaidni!
}
} Kendai: Crazy. Bet you guys are glad to be out of there, away from all
} that backward stuff.
}
} Oracle: Well, it wasn't all bad. I did bring something back to make my
} job easier. Hey! PMD!
}
} <The Oracle claps his hands and a dishevelled youth enters the room>
}
} PMD: You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Rectum? He
} damn near killed 'em. And so the farmer says, "But aren't those *my*
} suspenders you're wearing?"
}
} Kendai: Who's that?
}
} Oracle: A supplicant ... who gives me *answers*! Ha ha!
}
} <Everyone laughs merrily at this joke, then they all freeze as the
} credits begin to scroll upwards>
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest-star in the next episode. Preferrably one of
} the "Bay Watch" babes.

--- 1144-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle,
>
> What recently dead celebrities have been made into semi-deities??
> What will they be the semi-deities of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, foolish supplicant. Of course celebrity has its perks in the
} afterlife.  Why, Nero himself tends my barbeque. Of course, you asked
} about the recently deceased. So, as a public service to the living,
} I present a list of some celebrities who died in the last year and
} what they're doing now in the afterlife.
}
} Celebrity              What they are in the afterlife
} ---------------------  -------------------------------
} Harry Monty            Foreman of the "Valhalla Stunt Dwarves
}                                Association"
} Clayton Moore          Chairman, League of Masked Ghosts
} Curtis Mayfield        Afterlife Minister of Silly Dances
} Desmond Llewelyn       The Internet Oracle's Personal maker of
}                                superspy gadgets
} Joseph Heller          Heaven's official Head of Red Tape
} Gene Rayburn           Patron Saint of Game Show Hosts
} Hoyt Axton             Guardian Angel of Uncredited Song Writers
} Wilt Chamberlain       Patron Saint of Deadbeat Dads
} Gorilla Monsoon        Chairman of Fake Sports
} George C. Scott        Minor Deity of Typecast Actors
} Raisa Gorbachev        Patron Saint of Fashionplate Political Trophy
}                                Wives
} Jim Hunter             Coordinator of people with animal nicknames
} Allen Funt             God of Voyeur-cam Web Pages
} David Allen            Afterlife's "B" Monster Movie Archive Librarian
} Nerine Kidd Shatner    Patron Saint of women who really don't care
}                                about looks
} King Hassen II         Afterlife Harem Inspector
} John F. Kennedy Jr.    Legal council for dead people exploited by
}                                "People"
} Mario Puzo             Muse of unintelligible dialogue
} DeForest Kelley        Muse of Catch Phrases
} Mel Torme              Muse of unintelligible lyrics
} Owen Hart              Minor daemon of stupid stunts gone horribly wrong
} Shel Silverstein       Guardian angel of people who got stoned & missed
}                                it
} William Stiller        Patron Saint of Nepotism
} Dana Plato             Minor daemon to childhood actors with smack
}                                habits
} "Ravishing" Rick Rude  Demigod of ugly guys who think they're attractive
} Senor Wences           Patron Saint of people who talk to themselves
}                                and/or their body parts
} Joe DiMaggio           Chairman of the Afterlife Organization of
}                                Communists with Attractive Wives (AOCAW)
} Stanley Kubrick        Muse of awesome but meaningless cinematics
} Dusty Springfield      Patron Saint of white people who wish they were
}                                black
} Gene Siskel            Guardian angel to Roger Ebert's cholesterol level
}
} You owe the Oracle some suggestions for household staff. They don't have
} to be dead ... yet.

--- 1144-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing and all wonderous Oracle,
>
> What's wrong with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      You think soap is just another unnecessary, new-fangled luxury.
} Your Usenet posts contain HTML.  You think it's spelled "millenium",
} and you care what date it starts.  Nobody has worn a tie as wide as
} yours since 1976.  You stick your chewing gum underneath your desk.
} You've had a "Baby on Board" sign on your car since the late eighties.
} (And furthermore, you feet safer because of it.)  You think "its" is
} synonymous with "it's".  At the grocery store, it never occurs to you
} to start writing your check until the cashier has finished.  You
} believe solid glass windows flow.  You say "nuculer".  You ask
} MIME-encoded questions about woodchucks, and think you're being funny.
} You chew with your mouth open.  You demand first-class service from
} blue collar workers, but you're too cheap to patronize a business that
} pays them more than minimum wage.  You tailgate.  You make faces at
} your little sister.  You compulsively forward every scare-story, urban
} legend, trite inspirational tale, chain letter, and bad joke you
} receive in email to everyone in the office.  You wear so much fragrance
} you could be used to fumigate a three bedroom house.  You drain the
} queue.  Your IQ drops thirty points the moment you sit down behind the
} steering wheel.  (And you didn't have thirty points to spare.)  You put
} a fuzzy cover on your toilet seat.  You think any Usenet poster who
} expects you to be polite, considerate, or at least mildly interesting
} is a "netcop".  You wipe your nose on your sleeves.  You think other
} people care what cute thing your kid did today.  Your left turn-signal
} has been on since November. You have to ask the person sitting next to
} you to explain everything that happens when you go to the movies.  (And
} then ask them to repeat what they just said.)  You left the cap off the
} toothpaste again.  You fill your pockets with packets of sugar whenever
} you visit a diner.  You drink the last of the coffee at the office, and
} then sneak away without making any more.  When using a friend's
} bathroom, you run the water to make people think you're washing your
} hands. (And then you snoop in the medicine cabinet.)  There is
} absolutely no situation in which you would regard using your cellular
} phone as dangerous, inappropriate, or rude. You believe politeness is a
} sign of weakness.  You learned all you know about the scientific method
} from Art Bell.  You believe the neighbors don't mind the sound of your
} dog barking all night.  You think that just because you paid good money
} for a product, you're entitled to treat customer service and technical
} support people as subhuman.  You think everyone who doesn't like
} Budweiser is an effete snob.  You write in library books.  You drink
} milk straight from the carton, and then put it back in the
} refrigerator.  You tell everyone you joined the fraternity because of
} your interest in community service.  You figure you'll wait until both
} headlights go out before getting it fixed.  You hog the covers.  You're
} the reason we can't have nice things.
}
}     But at least you're better than most.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a nice litter box for his pet peeves.

--- 1144-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Should I buy a squid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No you may not buy a squid.
}
} > *Dad* *PLEASE*
}
} No you may not buy a squid. Only last week you bought a Basking Shark,
} and who has to clean out the tank? Not you is it!
}
} > But I'm not interested in the Basking Shark any more. And all my
} > friends have squid. Can I have a squid? Can I? Can I?
}
} Listen you. I bought you the Siamese Fighting Fish. I bought you the
} Ornamental Horned Toad. I bought you the Australian Lungfish. I bought
} you the Killer Whale. I bought you the Conger Eel, and I bought you the
} Ringed Octopus. And that nice Mr Wilson tramped halfway across England
} to catch you a Pike, *and* it was bigger than your friend's Pike. Not
} to mention the two fingers he lost catching it. Finally I buy you the
} Basking Shark. And what happens? Now you want a squid.
}
} Well no, you cannot have a squid. That is my decision. Solid. Absolute.
} Unchangeable. The End. Finito. The judges decision is final and no
} correspondence will be entered into.
}
} > Oh Dad, *PPPPPPLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE*
}
} Oh all right then. How much does it cost?
}
} You owe The Oracle, whose daughter's collection of pets is bigger than
} The London Aquarium, Sydney Underwater World, and Marineland put
} together (not to mention several small oceans I could name),
} 634,983,122 kilograms of dried shrimp flakes.

--- 1144-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle,
>
>     Over the past few days I've been tallying up all the things I owe
> you so that I can pay off all my debts to your most noble self.  I
> figured out that I still owe you the following: a dead parrot, Norway,
> a stair-climbing trolley, and a tab of e.  Well, I got the parrot, but
> it's not quite dead yet.  But it will be by next Thursday, so I'll send
> it along then.  Oh yeah, I also got a tab of e last week, but then I
> accidentally used it.  So I had to get another one for you.  I'll send
> it with the parrot.  And my roommate says he knows some guy who can
> score a stair-climbling trolley, so no problem there.
>
>     But I am having a problem with Norway.  You see, there are a whole
> bunch of Norwegians standing on it.  I try to pick it up, but they've
> got all their weight on it, making it too heavy.  I thought maybe I'd
> try and scare them, so that they'd all jump up at once and I could yank
> Norway out from underneath them.  But I can't think of anything scary
> enough.  Can you tell me some ways to scare them that I might try?  Or
> is there another method of acquiring Norway that I ought to use
> instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, once again, is so simple that you will kick yourself for
} not thinking of it. Then again, if mortals were capable of coming up
} with the simple answers, there'd be no need for an Oracle, would there?
}
} Anyway, supplicant, the first thing you need to do is get rid of
} the Norwegians. I suggest telling them that Sweden said a-Ha stinks
} and that "Take on Me" is a terrible song. Then tell them that Sweden
} said the Cardigans are a much better band. When the Norwegians head
} over to Sweden to kick their asses, you hook Norway up to a tug,
} drag it to New York, slap a stamp on it and drop it in the mailbox.
}
} You owe the Oracle the chick from the Cardigans.

--- 1144-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" <awilson@uplink.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I think my goldfish has been sleepwalking.  What can I
> do to prevent this problem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a well-know problem among ichthyophiles.  Your fish is likely
} not actually sleepwalking, but instead only pretending to be asleep.
} The purpose is, of course, to annoy you.
}
} The cure for this kind of behaviour is indeed difficult.  You need to
} catch the fish in the act, as they cannot easily associate punishment
} with deeds long past.  And it's also hard to punish a fish without
} killing it.  Setting your cat, for example, the task of watching the
} fish while you are away or asleep will defeat the purpose entirely.
} Pouring hot water on a fish as a surprise punishment results in poached
} fish, not a good idea unless you are hungry.
}
} My best suggestion would be to get more fish.  Indeed, if you were to
} get three or four thousand more, you would never be able to tell if one
} or two of them were sleepwalking.
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of that movie that Alfred Hitchcock
} never got around to finishing, "The Fish."