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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1143
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=== 1143 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1143
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 13:05:39 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    1143
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1138  66 votes 5boh9 6gio2 3fC91 ilg92 8lp84 7ami9 4llg4 5lng1 87mef fhp63
1138  2.9 mean  3.2   3.0   2.8   2.3   2.7   3.2   2.9   2.8   3.3   2.5

--- 1143-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle Capital & Rational are ye,
>
> Has our beloved queen gone mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle, I am have access to medical records that would otherwise
} be private. According  to everything I've read of recent analysis
} performed, RuPaul is more well adjusted than he's been in a decade.

--- 1143-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When the world ends will the gods stand up and clap? boo soundly? or
> sit quietly as the credits roll by so they can see who played Person
> #345,490,293,094 in that one scene they liked so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the end, there will be few gods left in the theatre.  Odin, Thor,
} Loki and the other Norse deities will be tossed out for drunken
} hijinks, throwing around popcorn and thunderbolts.  Zeus and Hera will
} quarrel over the portrayal of some of his lesser-known indiscretions,
} and eventually the whole Greek section will storm out in a huff.
} Mithra, Baal and assorted fertility gods will trickle out after the
} first act or so, claiming the show has ceased to hold their interest,
} and will head across the cineplex for another showing of "Debbie Does
} Dallas."  Allah will be a no-show, since doing so would negate the idea
} that there is no god but himself.
}
} In fact, by the end there will be but three Personages left in the
} room.  As the credits roll, they will be heard to remark through smiles
} and tears, "Beautiful.  Beautiful and terrible.  Let's see it again."
}
} You owe the Oracle a top-notch performance, since you only get one
} take.

--- 1143-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Gromit!  It's the wrong trousers, Gromit!  Stop them!
> Groooommmmiiiittttt!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  This is what you get for learning Windows instead of Linux.  You'd
} know how to stop those penguin-controlled mechanical trousers then.
}
} Don't worry, though.  Your dog has a master's degree in "real" computer
} science (1) and is working on his doctorate.  I'm certain he knows the
} right commands and can stop you.  If he can catch you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice, trendy pair of khakis.
}
} (1) See the slashdot.org interview of Steve Wozniak.

--- 1143-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty and majestic Oracle, who has the most
> incorrigible^H^H^H^H^H^H^H uptable priesthood or any oracle ever,
> please fulfil my humble request.
>
> Your priest, Paul L. Kelly, has recently stated publicly that he
> will digest anything funny which relates to his frog, or to his dear
> departed Siamese fighting fish of reddish hue.  Could you please make
> sure that this oracularity is sent to him so that he will digest it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: Hey, Paul, here is one for you to digest!
}
} PAUL: Hey, thanks! <Chomp> <Chew> <Chew> <Gulp> I can feel it starting
} to digest already!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Pepto-Bismal.

--- 1143-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "bjbackitis" <bjbackitis@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who knows right from wrong, in from out, Ben from Jerry. Who can
} run the 5 second quarter-mile, competes (and wins) every Iron Deity
} Competition, and who can bench Atlas *and* his burden. Who freely
} shares his wisdom, his time, and has personally purchased 20% of the
} over 10 billion served to feed the 80 youth soccer teams he coaches.
} Who gives of his time to lowly supplicants, who defends the universe
} from w**dc**ks, who knows why the "H" in w**dc**k is starred out,
} even tho' it's not a vowel, and who scathingly chastises mankind
} while doling out helpful information. Who runs his web site on
} a Commodore. Who dances the funky chicken, and makes it look cool.
} Who is older and better looking than Dick Clark. Who can sing all
} the parts of "Rigoletto" in key. Who is, milligram for milligram,
} the coolest immortal in existence. I, a lowly supplicant, fall before
} you, prostrate in my insignificance. I dare not trouble you with
} yet another question. I only ask that you accept my reverence as an
} acceptable penance. I am a worm. I am the dregs. I am John Elway's
} gym socks. I am King Kong Bundy's boxer stains. I am dry Ovaltine
} whilst thou art a triple-layer German Dark Forest cake. You know,
} I apologize for even wasting your time with this grovel.  Forgive me.
}
} You owe the Oracle the above in triplicate.

--- 1143-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Auspicious Oracle,
>
> How will I know when she's done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well -
}
} You won't. That's basically the flaw in your theory. See, I'll let you
} in on a little secret about women, and this one in particular. (Shup
} up. I'm omniscient, I know their secrets too.)
}
} See, not only is she aware of your desire to know when she's done, she
} set up your computer to forward all of your outgoing mail to her
} account, which is protected with more encryption than you'd probably
} imagine. She's going to get this response from me, as well, and suppose
} I said:
}
} "She'll be done in fifteen minutes, you can set the egg-timer."
}
} I can guarantee you that fifteen minutes from now, no matter what else
} is going on, she WILL NOT be done.
}
} Never, ever, try to outthink a woman. It just doesn't work. Let that be
} your answer.
}
} (Aside) Is that answer okay with you, Lisa? Oh, good. Wait, what do you
} mean you changed your mind?
}
} You don't have to send me anything, this time. Just buy a copy of Men
} Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and consult it before you feel the
} need to ask any more questions. See - I already own it.

--- 1143-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> will i ever find a man, will i ever be able to trust someone
> what type of man will come into my life, how will he look

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Apologies to the Andrews Sisters)
}
} Mister Orrie, bring me a date
} I've gotten a little desperate of late
} Give him two lips, two eyes and a nose, yeah
} My lonely days and nights are over
}
} Orrie, I'm so alone.
} I'm calling up sex chat on my telephone
} Please turn on your zotting beam
} Mister Orrie catch me a dream.
}
} Mister Orrie, bring me a dream.
} One who won't see me and run away screaming
} He can't be concerned if I look like Grover
} And tell him that his lonesome nights are over.
}
} Mister Orrie, bring me a date.
} Give him a pair of eyes, and if they match that's great
} Give him a lonely heart like Sgt. Pepper,
} And if he's got hair that'd be even better
}
} Mister Orrie, someone to hold,
} Would be so peachy after I've been parolled
} So please turn on your zotting beam.
} Mister Orrie catch me, Please, please, please
} Mister Orrie bag me a dream.

--- 1143-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> > GROVEL
>
> Done.
>
> > VERSION
>
> The Neanderthal Oracle: An Interactive Survival
> Version Few / Serial Number Many Many
>
> > LOOK
>
> You are in a cave.
> Og is here, knawing at some mammoth bones.
> Ogwa is here, yelling and making body signs.
>
> > LOOK AT OGWA
>
> Ogwa seems to be pointing deeper in the cave.
>
> > IN
>
> You are in a deeper section of the cave.
> There is a bear here.
>
> > INVENTORY
>
> You have:
>
> An axe
> The skull of a Cro-Magnon
>
> > ATTACK BEAR WITH AXE
>
> After a long struggle, the bear is defeated.
>
> You leave the deeper regions of the cave.
>
> You are in a cave.
> Og is here, knawing at some mammoth bones.
> Ogwa is here, yelling at Og.
>
> > ASK OG ABOUT BEAR
>
> "Og not strong to hurt bear, Og run."
>
> > ASK OG ABOUT OGWA
>
> Og says something unrepeatable.
>
> Thag arrives.
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >ATTACK THAG WITH AXE
}
} Thag easily dodges your clumsy strike. Thag is fumbling in his pockets.
}
} >THRW AXE
}
} I do not understand thrw.
}
} >THROW AXE.
}
} At what do you wish to throw the axe?
}
} >THAG
}
} To your great surprise Thag catches the axe in mid-air, despite having
} one hand still deep in his pockets.
}
} >EXAMINE ALL
}
} Og: Og has stopped eating the bones and is looking on in amazement.
} Ogwa: Owga has stopped shouting at Og and is looking on in amazement.
} Darkness: Lots of small pairs of eyes have appeared in the depths of
} the cave and are all looking on in amazement.  Thag: Thag is carrying
} an axe and a bag. He is funbling in his pockets.
}
} >EXAMINE BAG
}
} The bag is slung over Thags back. It looks very ull and seems to
} contain some large bulky objects. It is closed.
}
} >OPEN BAG
}
} You cannot get close enough to open the bag.
}
} >EXAMINE AXE
}
} The axe is a double headed war axe. Its blades are stained with
} the blood of a bear. It smells bad. You are glad you are no longer
} carrying the axe.
}
} Thag begins to swing the axe around his head. He strikes out at the
} cave wall and huge sparks fly from the blade, immediately cauterizing
} the blood of the bear. He seems to posses great stength.
}
} >ZOT THAG
}
} You cannot ZOT Thag. ZOTs are reserved for Woodchucks.
}
} >RUN
}
} Where do you wish to run?
}
} >IN
}
} You run deeper into the cave. The darkness peels away from you since
} you have been eating your carrots regularly.
}
} >LOOK
}
} You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike.
}
} >N
}
} You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike.
}
} >N
}
} You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike.
}
} >E
}
} You are in a maze of twisty, turny passages, all alike. There is a
} rock outcropping above you.
}
} >EXAMINE OUTCROPPING
}
} The ledge protrudes a short way from the wall of the cave. You can
} hear the sounds of someone following you.
}
} >CLIMB ONTO OUTCROPPING
}
} You heave yourself up onto the ledge above. Your heavy breath echos
} around the caverns. you have been eating too well in the Oracular
} temple lately....
}
} You hear the sound of someone approaching.
}
} >WAIT
}
} Done.
}
} Thag comes around the corner. He is still swinging the axe. He is
} standing directly below you.
}
} >EXAMINE CEILING
}
} The roof of the cavern is very rough and covered with stalectites.
} Thag leaves to the North.
}
} >DROP SKULL
}
} You drop the skull of the Cro-Magnon onto the cavern floor. The sound
} echos around the caverns. The Cro-Magnon has NOT been eating well at
} the Oracular Temple.
}
} >WAIT
}
} Done.
}
} Thag enters from the North. He crouches by the skull.
}
} >PERFORM A NIMBLE HANDSTAND AND WEDGE FEET AGAINST THE STALECTITES
} >HANGING FROM THE CEILING.
}
} Done.
}
} >GRIP THE LARGEST STALECTITE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, HANG DOWN OVER THAG
} >AND OPEN BAG.
}
} Done.
}
} >EXAMINE BAG
}
} The bag contains a large quantity of wooden logs. The bag is rather
} threadbare. You can now see that it has worn through in a few places.
} Course brown hair is poking through the holes in Thags robe.
}
} Thag has finally removed his hand from his pocket. He pulls out a
} small twig and proceeds to eat it. You notice Thags front two teeth
} seem strangely elongated.
}
} >DROP ONTO THAG.
}
} You release the stalectite and fall onto the surprised Thag.
}
} >GRAB AXE FROM THAG.
}
} You wrestle Thag for the axe. You finally manage to wrench it from
} his grasp.
}
} >ATTACK THAG WITH AXE.
}
} Thag dodges your thrust.
}
} >THROW AXE AT 45 DEGREES TO THE VERTICLE ROTATING AT A SPEED OF 3
} >REVOLUTIONS PER SECOND.
}
} Your throw causes the axe to arc towards Thags Bag. It severs the
} strap and empties the wood all over the floor.
}
} "My WOOD!!" Cries Thag.
}
} You notice a small tail poking out of the bottom of Thags robe as he
} bends down to pick up the wood.
}
} >ZOT WOODCHUCK.
}
} The woodchucks disguise now laid to waste yu have no problems with
} ZOTing the image of Thag you see before you.
}
} The Woodchuck cries out in pain as it is removed from history.
}
} A mist forms.......
}
} A Voice is says...  "Oh mighty Oracle. You have ridden this realm
} from the Woodchuck threat. Thanks very much. Cheerio then."
}
} You have completed this Oracle adventure. You have a score of 368
} out of a possible 400.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Infocom adventure.

--- 1143-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, who knows the Last Truly Original Joke,
>
> Could you please tell me three jokes? One that was funny six years ago,
> but not funny now; one that's funny now, but wasn't six years ago, and
> won't be six years from now; and one that will be funny six years from
> now, but not right now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you came to the right place!
}
} Yup, I've seen the light. Supplicants no longer want knowledge
} or insights. They want jokes. And joke you will get.
}
} Here's five sideslappers!
}
} Joke #1:
}
}  Boy supplicant: Do you sleep on your stomach?
} Girl supplicant: No.
}  Boy supplicant: Can I?
}
} Joke #2
}
} A supplicant recently had carpal tunnel surgery on his hand,
} and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to
} use a Juno free email account.
} The doctor replied, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not
} giving you a lobotomy."
}
} Joke #3
}
} Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party for Kendai?
} A cake jumped out of a girl.
}
} Joke #4
}
} Two of my finer priests had been out drinking. They were coming back
} to the Oracle Temple at 7:30 am, a bit past curfew. They were both
} still rather blitzed.
}
} Outside the temple the usual line of supplicants had already formed.
} The road clogged with pilgrims making their way to ask a question of
} yours truly, The Internet Oracle.
}
} "Blankety blank supplicants!" bellowed the driver as he leaned on the
} horn. "Get outta our way! We're priests damn it!"
}
} The suppliants leapt this way and that. The priests' car swerving
} in and out of the supplicants as they jumped to one side or the other.
}
} Just then there was a sickening THUMP.
}
} The driving priest looks in his rear view to see a supplicant laying
} in the road.
}
} "Whoa! I thought I missed him!"
}
} "You did," said the other priest, "but I was able to wing him with
}  my door."
}
} Joke #5
}
} Q: Why does Lisa always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
} A: Because DEC 25 == OCT 31
}
} Thank you, thank you, you're too kind!

--- 1143-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is an "anti-clue"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The more you follow it, even pay it any attention at all, the further
} you get from your answer.  This answer's anti-clue is elephants.