From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 14 00:33:07 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id AAA23072; Fri, 14 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001140510.AAA23072@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1141 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1141 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1141 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 00:10:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1141 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1136 58 votes 3hlb6 dlh52 bkac5 6bkg5 9hk84 59bkd 5ijc4 3fnd4 5bfde 5ajf9 1136 3.0 mean 3.0 2.3 2.7 3.1 2.7 3.5 2.9 3.0 3.3 3.2 --- 1141-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Helpfull Oracle, you have more fun than a barrle of monkies. You > probably spell better, too. I need to learn about oregon replacement > therapy. Please tell me everything you know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Early next year, in a move claimed to be a kickstart to the flagging } economy, President Dan Quayle will institute the Oregon Replacement } Project: over loud objections, Oregon will be moved to the Marshall } Islands, and Tokyo will be brought in to take its place. } } Property values will skyrocket, and several banks will fail. The } new state government, a group of short old men wearing identical } silk suits, will release a statement: "not to panic, all to work } together through hard times." Banks will continue to fail and } the Tokyo stock market will crash; hysterical reports of sightings } of Gojira will be in the news, until the Tokyo government begins } censorship. } } The world will watch fascinated as bootleg home videos show a giant } gorilla rampaging through downtown Tokyo, batting miniature airplanes } from the sky. The National Guard will be apparently powerless to stop } him. } } Meanwhile in the Marshall Islands, the uprooted Oregonians are } surprisingly relaxed. A resident, smilingly told this reporter } "Dude, the growing season is _so_ much better here." --- 1141-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Way trendy Oracle, > > Who decides what the next fad is going to be?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a dimly lit room, miles below a SoCal mall, a fat man strikes a } match and lights his cigar. From the small, orangey glow, one can } see his glasses, his largish nose, and his bad toupee. } } "Gentlemen. Lets hear the reports." } } "Well sir, bellbottoms did particularly well," says a small, mousey man. } "As did hip-huggers." } } "Good," replies the fat man with the cigar. "Very good." } } "Plastic clothing did reasonable sales as well," says a younger man, } with slicked-back hair. "However, our 'henna tattoos' didn't go over } too well." } } "Just the same," says the fat man. "Perhaps we didn't promote it enough. } Now then, what do we have planned for 2000?" } } "Well sir," says a woman with outrageous glasses and wild hair. "For our } men's line, we were thinking, 'What's the stupidest thing we can make } people wear this year?'" } } "And you came up with..." says the fat man, impatiently. } } "Codpieces." } } "Codpieces?" gasps everyone in the room. } } "Yes," continues the woman. "Codpieces. We plan to release early } prototypes to the Gap and Ralph Lauren by the end of the month. } We've already got N'Sync signed up to model them, and we're hoping } to nab either 98 degrees or the Backstreet Boys." } } "Brilliant," whispers someone in the room. } } "I think so. We plan to secretly promote a war between N'Sync and } whoever signs the opposing contract. We'll see who can wear the } biggest codpieces. It'll be hysterical." } } "And you think the kids will buy this?" says the fat man. } } "Absolutely." } } "Good," the fat man says as he rolls his cigar around a thick, gold } signet ring. "What about women's wear?" } } "Well," says a thin, acne-covered man with bottle-rim glasses. "We were } fairly successful in pulling back the 'lingerie as clothing' look this } past year. We were thinking of going a step further. Pasties." } } "WHAT?!?" sounds of choking come from around the room. } } "You can't be serious," says someone at the end of the table. } } "Oh, absolutely. We've already done the demography on it. We're going to } start by having Madonna wear them in a video." } } "Madonna?" says the fat man. "She's not big with the kids anymore." } } "Ok," says the acne-man. "How about Brittney Spears? She just had the } boob job, they'll look great on her." } } "Yeah," says someone else. "If you can get her to wear them, every } pedophile daddy in the country who drools over Spears will get a set } for his daughter!" } } "That's right," continues the acne-man. "Then, before we start } mass-marketing them, we're going to leak a few pairs to our friends in } the Southern Baptist Convention. Nothing stirs up sales like a good } banning. Maybe we can even get a public school district or two to ban } them, or at least require a shirt over them." } } "Excellent," says the fat man. "By the end of summer, every teenage girl } in the country will be walking around in pasties and no shirt." } } "What about Fox Mulder?" says the cigarette-smoking-man in the corner. } "He's already discovered what the Schwah keychains really are. He could } be a threat to us." } } "So we kidnap his partner to make him back down." } } "Tried that, it didn't work." } } "Then we'll give his partner a hideous disease." } } "Tried that." } } "Then we'll kill his partner." } } "Done that." } } "Damn! Doesn't he care about his partner at all? Oh, I got it, we'll } just send him some photos of Brittney Spears modelling the pasties. } He'll never leave his apartment." } } Murmers of assent from around the room. } } "Well then," says the fat man, "I think we have a plan." --- 1141-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > NULL QUESTION And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That one caught the President off guard. "I'm sorry?" } } > NULL QUESTION } } The other reporters had stopped their clamor, surprised at the audacity } of the request. They were equally fascinated by the President's } reaction: discomfort, certainly, but the color creeping into his face } implied that there was something he definitely -didn't- want to say. } } "L-let me say that about this...." The President trailed off into } silence. Since he'd begun his first campaign nine years ago, he'd never } been at a loss for words. Until now. A confused murmur began among the } reporters. What was wrong? He had always been good for a few sound } bites at each conference, and his Middle-American good looks made the } print photographers' jobs a lot easier. Now, it looked like the } reporters would actually have to -writsomething. They began to fear for } their jobs. } } The press secretary was the first to regain his composure. He went to } the podium and whispered in the President's ear. At first the President } seemed oblivious, but after a moment he caught on and managed to } understand what was being said. From the look on his face it was } obvious that the press secretary had suggested something outrageous, } but after some heated whispers the President finally nodded and turned } to the microphone. } } "Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, please make careful record of what } you observe here today. This is an historical moment in the making. } } "As many have noticed, American politics over the past few centuries - } clear back to the founding of this great nation, even before it was an } independent state - has been an excellent example of Newton's Third Law } of Motion: 'For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.' } } "The success of our system of government by officials elected by the } populace hinges on an informed electorate. The position of every } candidate on every issue must be explored before the best choice can be } made for the job. Of course, and I am proud to be the first government } official to admit this out loud, most candidates aren't as concerned } about making a good government as they are about having a position of } power and influence." The reporters murmured in surprise, not at the } revelation, but at the candid way it was given. "Toward that end, most } candidates (and all successful ones) have applied Newton's Third Law } toward questions directed to them by the press. The political } interpretation would be 'For every question of substance, there is an } answer of equal and opposite value.' } } "Since most reporters are trained to seek the heart of the matter, it } follows that they should ask questions of great substance and global } import. Therefore, I and my colleagues in government are obligated to } give meaningless, misdirected, and frequently false answers to preserve } the 'balance' implied in the Third Law. But today, I have received a } question of less than zero substance - not negative substance, mind } you, but null: the null question. Therefore, I must give an answer that } is substantial and true." } } The President took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Here goes." } } "I sought this position, not for the benefit of the Nation, but for my } own bank account. The companionship I have enjoyed since my arrival in } Washington was a fringe benefit. I have made a fortune behind the } scenes in the buying and selling of favors and influence, and plan to } continue after my term ends. } } "Never have I acted in accordance with my conscience or my } constituency. I have no conscience, and if I seemed to go along with } public opinion, it was because it coincided with the opinion of major } contributors to my personal goals. } } "None of the other candidates who ran against me in any election, } except one, were any different from me. That one exception died in an } unfortunate car crash. I did NOT engineer that crash. I had someone } else take care of it for me. } } "The apparent benefits to the economy, the nation, and the world, that } have occurred during my administration are simply the up-end swing of } the socio-economic pendulum, a phenomenon that has been known for } centuries but never revealed. Nothing I or any government official have } done, or could ever do, will influence that swing. Expect a period of } severe depression about 15 years from now. By then I should be happily } divorced and living on a private Caribbean island. } } "The former Soviet Union, far from being a threat to the United States, } was actually our ally. They caused us to pull together in building a } war machine, developing new technologies and putting thousands of } people to work, to fight a bunch of farmers and goatherds who wouldn't } know which end of an AK-47 to point at an American if they ever saw } one. The menace of Communism was nothing more than a red herring that } created wonderful opportunities to curry favor, peddle influence, and } misdirect funding into the pockets of government officials and } corporate officers. } } "And now, perhaps the most telling truth of all: not one single } American gives a rat's ass about any of this. They have their MTV, } their beer, and their welfare checks! They have the "bread and } circuses" that led to the downfall of the Roman empire. They are fat } and happy and as long as the lines for lottery tickets are shorter than } their belt size, they'll keep voting for me and anyone else that's good } for a few sound bites and photographs well." } } The President paused for breath. Not a reporter moved, not a camera } clicked. The recorders were still running - not a word was missed - but } nobody could say a word. Finally, after a long pause, the sound of } someone clapping came from the back of the room. After some hesitation, } other joined in. Moments later, the entire room was on its feet } applauding the President. After about five minutes he motioned for } quiet, and five minutes later he could finally speak again. } } "Thank you! Thank you! It was a risky thing to do, and had you not } responded this way my press secretary would have been involved in a } tragic auto accident." The secretary paled, until he saw the president } wink. "But I do have one more thing I'd like to get off my chest." He } looked at the correspondent who had asked the question, and had also } been the first to applaud. } } "Orrie, if you EVER forward one of those questions to me again, I'll } hunt you down like a dog and nail your sorry hide to my garage!" --- 1141-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it about the structure of the human brain that makes > mnemonics so useful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C. EVERETT COOP: } I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General, } I've information surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } I know the brain's a thinkin', and I quote from text books medical, } From marrowed bones to lymphatic nodes, in order categorical; } I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters neurological, } I understand neuroanatomy, both central and peripheral, } About the nervous system I am bound to make you just a little bored } With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal } chord. } } ALL: } With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal } chord. } With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal } chord. } With many cheerful facts about the nerves that run along the spinal } chord. } } C. EVERETT COOP: } I'm very good with the fissures and little things quite ganglial, } I know the scientific names of all things that are cranial: } In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } ALL: } In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } C. EVERETT COOP: } I know the diencephalon, the hypo and the thalamus; } I've disected telencephalon and even seen the hippocampus. } I can't forget the times I've spent along the epithalamus, } Neocortex brings us to the areas prosencephalous. } } I can tell red nucleus from central grey and substantia, } I know the cerebellum from the medulla oblongata. } Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore, } And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore. } } ALL: } And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore. } And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore. } And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore. } } C. EVERETT COOP: } Then I can write a memory on storage neocortical, } And tell you ev'ry detail of just what I've stored in full: } In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } ALL: } In short in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } C. EVERETT COOP: } In fact, when I know what is meant by "temporal" and "spacial", } When I can tell at sight a name I've linked to pictures facial, } When such affairs as PIN codes and phone numbers I'm more wary at, } But then I know precisely what race was won by "secretariat", } Then I have learnt to sing a song to have recall like gunnery, } But if I sing them back outloud everyone I see makes fun of me. } In short, when I've mastered this elemental strategy, } I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V. } } ALL: } I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V. } I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V. } I've found the tactic often used by salesman I see on T.V. } } C. EVERETT COOP: } For my mnemonic knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, } Has been brought down because I've lived to be about a century. } But still, in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } I am the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } ALL: } But still in matters surgical, anatomical, and medicinal, } He is the very model of a modern Surgeon-General. } } } You owe the Oracle the lyrics to HMS Microsoft. --- 1141-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You open one of the 996 boxes on this floor and find... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yet another broken Furby. } } You owe the Oracle a toy-of-the-year that actually lasts a year. --- 1141-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why do we cringe at the very mention of Windows? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THE WINDOWS!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! } PLEASE!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle a chalice of holy water blessed by Pope Linus } Torvalds. --- 1141-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, what gives? First, I'm sitting in my terrarium, minding my own > business, when suddenly this cat pops up and starts to hold me > under water! Then, I see this bright light at the end of a tunnel. > I start hopping toward it, seeing the smiling faces of all the frogs > in my family who've passed on. Next thing I know, I'm back in > my terrarium, sitting on a rock! What gives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer lies in the cat. For it to have 9 lives, it must kill } something 9 times. Therefore, you should repeat this experience 8 } more times. Sorry for the bad news. } Fortunately, the cat will get bored around the 7th time, and will jump } off the table. This will cause the table to overturn, and a terrarium } to fall on the cat. A rock will shatter the glass, sending shards } everywhere. The cat will loose all of its remaining lives due to } multiple cuts and drowning. You, however, will, well, erm, nevermind. } } You owe the Oracle anything, as quickly as you can deliver it. --- 1141-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are Wise, but more importantly you have never been caught > in red handed with a live wire or a dead phone line, > > How is being a faceless bureaucrat different than being a leech? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Leeches eventually stop sucking. } } You owe the Oracle a Band-Aid (TM). --- 1141-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who knows exactly who will win every NASCAR race for > the next 35,000 years; > > In June and July of 1999, the Cape Hatteras lighthouse was moved 2,900 > feet from its original location over a period of 23 days. By my faulty > and worm-like calculations, this means that it was moving at an average > speed of .00097826 miles per hour. Although I know how You in Your > wisdom abhor multiple questions, I still must ask these two: > > 1) Is this a new land-speed record for lighthouses? > > and 2) Would using premium gasoline have helped it move faster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the Colossus of Rhodes, after a particularly nasty } earthquake, hobbled to the right about 80 feet in a matter of 20 } seconds before the knee broke and the whole thing toppled over. That's } a speed of about .5914 miles an hour, give or take. } } And yes, you can use gasoline to make a lighthouse move faster, } although I would personally recommend rocket fuel. } } You owe the Oracle an orbiting lighthouse. --- 1141-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderous Oracle, whose memory is better > than an Elephant diskette, please tell me... > > I asked a question about a year ago, something about > snails mating. Whatever happened to that question and > why didn't I get an answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sent your answer back my snail mail, but hey, you know how randy } those snails get. } } They must have got 'side-tracked' along the way.