From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 31 19:52:48 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id QAA27934; Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:26:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:26:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199912312126.QAA27934@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1136 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1136 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1136 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 16:26:47 -0500 (EST) @@@ Happy New Year / Century - 1 / Millennium - 1 !!! To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1136 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1131 67 votes 87gnd 5cuf5 6rma2 4hkk6 4eqf8 39wh6 39ikh 3bklc 1fuj2 3bgne 1131 3.2 mean 3.4 3.0 2.6 3.1 3.1 3.2 3.6 3.4 3.1 3.5 --- 1136-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All the other dwarves make me sick! They are lazy and goo-goo eyed over > some broad we brought into to do the house keeping. Bah! Work! Work I > say, we're dwarves damn it! We should be in dark tunnels looking for > sparling treasures not chasing skirts! How can I get my co-workers > back on task? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I sympathise, Grumpy. There's nothing like the intrusion of a female } to disrupt the cameraderie and jolly locker room ambience of an } all-male team like yours. } } My advice to you is, don't fight it. In fact, encourage intimacy to } develop, and sooner rather than later your house keeper will discover } that dwarf genitalia are proportionate to body size, upon which she'll } hastily put a stop to any further amorous advances. Things will then } get back to normal. } } Failing that, try fruit. I'm told it often helps in these cases. --- 1136-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, who has seen the script for Episode III, who > knows which projects will be released and which will be canceled, and > who can tell from the title whether a movie will suck or be incredibly > cool... > > I've heard you are in possession of a biography of Harry Knowles (of > Ain't It Cool News) with a copyright date of 2128. Would you care to > share some of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. } } "The End." } } You owe the Oracle a catchphrase. --- 1136-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Remember me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello Orrie, hello Lisa, here I am at Camp Queue-lotta } Camp is very, entertaining, } and they say we'll have some fun if someone stops midnight draining. } } All the priests } Hate the interns, } And the temple, it smells of rug burns. } And the head guy } Wants no sissies, } So he reads to us from something called Ulysses. } } Now I don't want } this to scare yer; } But my digestion rate } has been a failure, } You remember, Laurel & Hardy, } they're about to throw their first "I got digested" party. } } Take me home, Orrie and Lisa. } Take me home, I hate Queue-lotta. } Don't leave me out, in the `Net where } I might get ignored by a droll priest who don't care. } Take me home, I promise I will not ask questions } Or mess around again during confessions, } Oh please don't make me stay! } I've been waiting for an answer for ONE -- WHOLE -- DAY. } } Wait a minute... } I got mail! } Modem's blinking. } I got an answer, that shows signs of thinking! } I laughed out loud...gee, that's better! } } Orrie, Lisa, kindly disregard this letter! } } You owe the Oracle a rendition of Dance of the Hours done } while dressed up like Allan Sherman. --- 1136-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who's integrity is never compromised, whose organization > never suffers from nepotism, - > > -aren't there some conflict of interest rules about fraternization > amoungst the priesthood? I mean how come Dave and Julsy get away with > it? Shouldn't they be immuned to receiving one anothers questions or > something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Push your chair back from the monitor. Now stand and peek over } your cubicle's barrier. } } See those other people? } } Don't look shocked. You've known they're there. Now watch for } a second, yes, over there. Look! Two people talking to each } other -face to face-. No email, no cell phone, no instant } messages, no voice mail. } } Is this A Bad Thing? } } Yes, it is. } } As you've so astutely pointed out people should not have any } dealings with their cow-orkers outside of severely regulated } and formalized situations. In fact, as you further discerned, } people who actually know each other, should not even be allowed } to exchange email, phone calls, instant messages or voice mail. } } Here at The Internet Oracle(tm) World Headquarters in the } heart of Indiana (The Crossroads of America), we like to } think of ourselves at the forefront of The Future. As such } we strive for depersonalizing anonymity in all we do. Why, } the very structure of the Oracle service is based on people } not doing who they are talking to nor even why. We can } proudly say that in 42% of our email exchanges the parties } involved aren't even sure what the other person is trying } to say. Our goal is to have completely disassociated the human } element from all communications, at all levels, by 2038. } } I thank you for pointing out an area we currently need to } work on, and believe me you, we have a crack team working } on the problem even as we speak. In keeping with our policy } of anonymous efforts though I am quite proud to report that } even I, the all knowing Oracle, really have no idea who is } on that crack team and what they are up to, a state hopefully } shared by the members of that crack team...though there is } really no way for me to find out, or for they themselves } to ascertain. } } Thank you for sharing your concerns. } } You owe the Oracle 500 huge black, hooded cloaks for the } next office party. --- 1136-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Why did the boss ask everyone to leave early? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your boss is a considerate and fair person. The decision to leave } early was made in order to reduce stress and foster a more harmonious } working environment. Besides, didn't you find that the fire alarms } were beginning to hurt your ears? --- 1136-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oooo! Ooooo! Mr. Oracle, pick meee! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great, just what I need. A talking nose. --- 1136-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, who forseeth all things USENET-y, > > What is it with these WebTV losers who keep spamming groups like > alt.teens.16-18 with their personal email, and replies to posts with no > context given just to say "me too" or "send me your picture"? How did > the WebTV people ever manage to provide a service so shoddy that people > can do these things apparently by accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me too. } } ______________________________________________________ } Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com --- 1136-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ! > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A lower-case "i", upside down. } } A naked man bending down, seen from behind. } } A snake wearing a monocle. } } A question mark, after it's been ironed. } } Someone is about to hit a cue ball with a pool stick. } } "Family Dog" seen from 1000 miles above. } } A period that sneezed and hasn't wiped it up yet. } } A man with a big nose, sleeping with his eyes closed. } } A bowling ball, viewed from far away, with a line to help find it. } } A falling meteorite with a trail behind it. } } A stalagtite with a puddle of water below. } } A wordless exclamation! } } A tree, upside down, with very few branches. } } ASCII code 33 (decimal) or 21 (hex). } } A golf hole with a flag in it. } } A big straw in a teensy-weensy cup. } } A "One Way" sign seen from above. } } A man standing on his head, wearing a white collar. } } Every wise saying ever uttered by Al Gore, } self-proclaimed inventor of the Internet! } } A peanut with attitude. } } Morse Code for either A (.-) or N (-.). } } You owe The Oracle an analysis of } @ } and also a free E-mail system that doesn't add a signature line. --- 1136-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Fascinating of Oracles, tell me... > > What is your top 10 list of the most interesting people of century? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, okay. Note some of these people were born in 1800's, but all } achieved their greatest success in 1900's. } } 10) Nikola Tesla: inventor of the radio and electric lights. Both } inventions stolen from him, mostly due to the fact he was stark } raving mad. Coolest point: He prevented Edison from getting } a Noble Prize by refusing to appear on stage to get a joint } Noble Prize with his former boss Edison. } more info at: } http://www.neuronet.pitt.edu/~bogdan/tesla/ } } 09) William S. Burroughs: author of "The Western Lands" and } "Naked Lunch". Coolest point: his father owned American } Arithmometer Company, precursor to today's computer industry. } William (a heroin addict) was given $1000 a month to } stay out of sight, didn't work. } more info at: } http://www.bigtable.com/ } } 08) Benazir Bhutto: first female leader of an Islamic nation, } just you try and do that. Smart, tough as nails and beautiful } to boot, erm, not that matters mind you. Coolest point: } She's a fox. Oh yeah and smart too. Great personality!! } More info at: } http://www.wic.org/bio/bbhutto.htm } } 07) Richard Dawkins: Advocate of 'memes', took the idea } of words as viruses to new heights, humans are but tools } -of- ideas. Coolest point: Proved that altruism is a myth, } you only do things for you, Mother Teresa as selfishness } incarnate. } More info at: } http://www.world-of-dawkins.com/ } } 06) Philip K. Dick: Greatest Sci-fi writer of all time, too bad he } when nuts from too much speed and acid. Coolest point: lived } near Richard Nixon's birthplace as part of plan controlled by } concepts spelled out in the Nag Hammadi, well that's what } Dick thought... } more info at: } http://www.users.interport.net/~regulus/pkd/pkd-int.html } } 05) B.F. Skinner: behaviorist, outlined the way human's brains } worked. No, he did not raise his daughter in a glass box! } Coolest point: taught pigeons to fly bombers } More info: } http://www.lafayette.edu/allanr/skinner.html } } 04) Frida Kahlo: Artist, the Oracle loves her stuff, she's way, } way out there. Coolest point: See some of her work. } More info at: } http://www.cascade.net/kahlo.html } } 03) Norman Mailer: author of 'Ancient Evenings' and 'The American } Dream', the first about a way to live forever that actually } works, the second about how an American icon family has used } God's one lie to mankind to create an empire. Creepy Stuff. } Coolest point: likes to challenge people to head butting } contests when drunk } More info at: } http://www.iol.ie/~kic/ } } 02) Alan Keyes: inflammatory orator, loves nothing better than } telling the truth to people that don't want to hear it. } Coolest point: Goes ballistic when anyone calls President } Clinton the first black president. } More info at: } http://www.keyes2000.org/ } } 01) Francis Fukyama: The current top of the heap in social } analysis. You want to understand now? Read Fukyama. } Coolest point: Does not have a fan-boy web site anywhere. } below link is to an interview with Fukyama. } More info at: } http://www.booknotes.org/transcripts/50062.htm } } You owe yourself a look into the lives of all these folks. --- 1136-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Terrible Oracle, you scare the stuff out of me. I try to hide under > the kitchen table whenever I hear your name. This doesn't work very > well, because my dad kicks the dog under the table, and when I'm kicked > I sound just like the dog. > > I want to make money betting on sports events like my Uncle Pootie > does. He wins every time, but he won't tell me his secret. He says, > "Eat more beans, kid." Well, I tried that, and it doesn't work. It > makes me poot more (like Uncle Pootie does), but it doesn't make any of > my predictions work. So far I have gotten every single one of them > wrong. Thank goodness I didn't bet any money on them. He bets almost > entirely on local boxing matches, the ones held out behind the hunting > club (unless they get raided by the sheriff). Can you tell me Uncle > Pootie's secret method? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: What's next on the docket? } } Clerk: Question number Qdqd12_, one count of child abuse, 12 counts } of illegal gambling, and one count of public flatulance. } } Oracle: Ahem. . . } } Clerk: Oh, and one count of wasting the Oracle's time. } } Oracle: Good. How does the defendant plead? } } Qdqd12_: I plead answerable, your Honour. } } Oracle: None of that British crap in my court! } } Qdqd12_: Sorry, your Honor. } } Oracle: Bail recommendation? } } Sam Waterston: Request that question be held without bail, on flight } risk. } } Andy Griffith: Your honor, my client has close ties with the } community. . . } } SW: Your Honor, questions of this type have been known to be out of } jurisdiction within 24 hours if not attended to. } } Oracle: Point taken. Defendant is remanded pending trial. } }