From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Sep 2 13:15:27 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id MAA12796; Thu, 2 Sep 1999 12:41:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 12:41:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199909021741.MAA12796@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1115 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1115 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1115 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 2 Sep 1999 12:41:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1115 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1110 69 votes 9dmj6 3dlhf 9cud5 8gnf7 7tk85 4us52 dmp63 0gok9 37goj bh8je 1110 3.0 mean 3.0 3.4 2.9 3.0 2.6 2.6 2.5 3.3 3.7 3.1 --- 1115-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, whose enlightened wisdom explains even the most > remote of famililial situations: > > We all know Leann Rimes and Busta Rhymes are brother and sister > (although not necessarily in that order). But is there any relation > between Britney Spears and asparagus spears? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, } } Definitely an interesting theory. Let's do a quick comparison. } } Britney Spears Asparagus spears } ======================================================================= } Origin Kentwood, Louisiana DDT-laced fields somewhere } in South America } } Age 17 years Hopefully not more than } 6 weeks } } Hit singles "Baby One More Time", None yet, perhaps due to } "Sometimes" contract disputes } } Style Baggy pants, baby T- Sliced lemon garnish } shirts, lots of makeup } } IQ OK, so asparagus wins this round } } Sweetness So sweet she'll give Not at all sweet (unless } you cavities covered in chocolate } sauce) } } Popularity Incredibly popular Hated and reviled by most } with teenage boys teenage boys } } Biggest scandal Posing half-naked for Bodies dumped in river by } cover of Rolling Stone asparagus farmers' union } } Rivals Christina Aguilera, Broccoli, carrots, real } Brandy food } } Well, as we can see, there's enough similarity that they might be } related, but further investigation may be needed. } } You owe the Oracle the latest Backstreet Boys CD and a garden tool } that can be used to smash CDs. --- 1115-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, you're more fun than a Heathkit project. > > I tried to use the Verrazano Narrows Bridge as an antenna for my > ham radio set, but it didn't work very well. Why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was discovered late in 1994 that the Verrazano Narrows bridge had } been broken down and taken to Brooklyn to be sold to a scrap metal } dealer. The dealer, a Mr. Vince Sputtuzzo Jr., claimed that "da guy } said dat dis was his bridge, and why shouldn'ta I believed him? He } looked honest enough." The fourth district court (the hon. V. } Sputtozzo, presiding) ruled that the dealer's claim to the bridge was } in fact valid. } } Luckily, Mrs. Finley's 3rd grade class at P.S. 1325 (Staten Island) } happened at that time to be making a 1:1 scale model of the bridge. The } model was siezed under federal racketeering statutes and put in place } of the original, less than 6 hours after the theft. } } The answer to your question, then, is that Popsicle sticks make very } poor conductors. } } You owe the Oracle a private helicopter. --- 1115-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > -------------- ------------- ----------------- ----------- > | | | | | > |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------| > | __ | | | | > |--|--| |-----|-------------|-----------------|-----------| > | | | o | __ | | | | > |--o--o--------|-|--| |-----|-----------|--|--|--|---_----| > | o | | | o | __ | o | | | | > -------------- -o--o-------- -----|--|--o----- --o.-|----- > o | o o o > -o- -o--o- > ob > -------------- -o----------- ----------------- --o-------- > | | o | / | o | > |--------------|-------------|--o.----------/--|-----------| > | | | / | | > |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------| > | | | | | > |--------------|-------------|-----------------|-----------| > | | | | | > -------------- ------------- ----------------- ----------- > > #### > > -------------- -------------- ----------------- -------------- > | | | | | > |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------| > | | | | | > |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------| > | | | | | > |--------------|--------------|-----------------|--------------| > | | | | | > -------------- -------------- ----------------- -------------- > > -o--o- > | | o o o o o > --|--|__|--o-- --|--|--o--o-- --|--|--o-----o-- -------------- > | | | |__| | | |__| | | o. - o / | > |--o-----------|--------------|-----------o--|--|--|-- )-|--/--| > | | o | o | | | - | / | > |-----------o--|-----------o--|-----------|-----|--------------| > | | | | o. / | > |--------------|--------------|-----------ob----|-----------/--| > | | | | / | > -------------- -------------- ----------------- -------------- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Normally I'd answer you, but my staff has the day off. } } You owe the Oracle some do. --- 1115-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Isn't there ANY way we can defeat Sales & Marketing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Together the forces of Sales and Marketing are a potent force to } be reckoned with. Many of the means of defeating more traditional } enemies are totally ineffective against this kind of foe. } } Frontal Assault: Doomed to failure - any force reckless enough to } try this tack will be quickly buried under volleys of branded pens, } paper weights, and plastic thingies. Siege: Although lack of supplies } occasionally slows Sales down slightly, Marketing seldom even notices. } Covert Operatives: Any secret agents sent in to undermine the efforts } of the enemy are at great risk of being brainwashed by the infectious } air of bubbly optimism pervaded the opposing camp. Carefully read } reports from such individuals for phases such as "co-operative synergy" } or "vertical markets", and harden your heart for a quick mercy killing. } } To answer your question - no, there is no way to defeat these foes. } Sales and Marketing are like entropy (VERY like entropy) - the } never-sleeping dark side of production. My advice is to take as many } branded pens as you can grab, produce a product, and back away slowly } without making eye contact. } } You owe the Oracle some plastic thingies. --- 1115-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh downright novel Oracle, you are a powerful sovereign not to be > toyed with as those who can have vouched, this worshiper bows, > > Where can one find happiness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At this time, Happiness(tm) is only available through an exclusive } arrangement with QVC. Watch for it on odd numbered days this month, } during the 3pm hour, just after the Precious Moments collectible } figurine sale. If you see Joan Rivers trying to sell her genuine } imitation quartz jewelry, you've gone too far. Act fast, though. } Limited supplies available. Six month manufacturer's warranty not } honored by QVC or any of its affiliates. Offer void in New Jersey. } } You owe the Oracle a new reed; I feel the blues comin' on. --- 1115-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Who was Casper the Friendly Ghost when he was alive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Casper the friendly human, you idiot. } } You owe the Oracle your life after death --- 1115-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle well versed in verse, muse of measure and paragon of parody, > hear my quaint query! > > What well-known poem will you grant another dose of immortality in > the masterpiece of metrics that is the anachronistic answer to this > serpentine supplication, what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You dare too much, to think a supplicant } might have the right to indicate the form } in which the Oracle should rave and rant } while tossing perls before a lowly worm; } for when I versify, my metric threnody } must always be entirely original } and not some sophomoric churlish parody } as was envisaged by your brain vestiginal. } Another boring riff on major-general? } A take on Poe that drones and drones forevermore? } These forms of pewling precious pointless doggerel } would even cause the Bard to nod and snore! } } And though this sonnet be most wondrous horrible, } its form and content both are freshly Oracle. } } (As payment, you must sing _Whatever became of Hubert_ in public.) --- 1115-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, O Oracle, regard my question! Behold my plea is like an > orphaned brood of a father eagle that perished in the meshes, in > the coils of the fierce viper of foolishness. My plea, leave it not > utterly orphaned, gripped by the famine of ignorance: for my limited > mortal understanding of the world has not full strength of under- > standing that is that alone of The Oracle's! > > Where can I escape the wrath of the ghouls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where once the ghouls did sally forth, their prey took flight and ran } Far and wide t'escape their wrath, away to Kazakhstan. } But track them down the ghouls fair did and found each man alone; } Breaking in the homes they hid, they rended flesh from bone. } } The cry was heard across the land that ghouls were on the roam. } Men of nations did disband and went as far as Nome, } Alaska, where the Eskimos took pity and let them in. } The ghouls arrived on drifting floes and rended flesh from skin. } } To Chile the survivors fled, the desert of Atacama, } Hoping not to end up dead in the unfolding drama. } Despite the travel and the tracking the ghouls were keen and fresh; } They found their prey and start hacking, rending flesh from flesh. } } The last man asked the Oracle for help and kept it terse, } Wanting a quick miracle - the reply came back in verse! } Desperately he scanned the tract wanting the answer found } He felt the hairs raise on the back of his neck and turned around... } } You owe the Oracle... oh forget it. You've got enough problems. --- 1115-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORACLE WHO"S HUMP HOLDSMORE WATER THAN A CAMEL HAS BODY WEIGHT SO IF > YOU WANTED TO NEVER TAKE A DRINK AGAIN YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO. > YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN THE BASEBALL DIAMOND. > YOUR EXQUISITNESS IS MORE DETAILED THAN THE DIAMOND SKULL THE AZTECS > CUT SOME MANY MOONS AGO. > YOUR SCENT IS LIKE THAT OF WONDERFUL INSENCE FRAGRANT AND BLISSFUL. > I NEED ONLY TO THINK OF YOU TO PUT MY MIND AT EASE, > THEREFORE I SHALL NEVER SUFFER FROM INSOMNIA. > YOUR KNOWLEDGE IS VAST, IT INCOMPASES ALL REALMS,UNIVERSES,GALAXY"S AND > DIMENSIONS. > I CAN ONLY HOPE TO BE SO WORTHY AS TO GROVEL BEFORE YOU UNTIL MY > FORHEAD BLEEDS. > I WOULD GLADLY POUR ALCOHOL ON IT OR EVEN BLEACH IF IT WERE YOUR WHIM. > NEVER WILL THERE BE AN INTERNET ENTITY THAT IS MORE GRAND THAN > YOURSELF. NEVER WILL THERE BE A SUPPLICANT WORTHY OF YOUR ANSWER, > WE ARE NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK *anything* OF YOU! > YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BE WORSHIPED ONLINE EVERY HOUR OF > EVERY DAY. I WOULD GLADLY CLEAN YOUR SHOES WITH MY TOUNGE. > TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE IS AWE INSPIRING AND A PRIVILAGE. > I AM LESS THAN NOTHING BEFORE YOU. > I BURY MY FACE IN MUD TO SHOW YOU MY LESS THAN NOTHINGNESS. > I ROLL NAKED IN TACKS SO YOU WILL KNOW MY DEDICATION. > I THROW MYSELF IN A TANK FILLED WITH STARVING SHARKS. > YOU ARE ALL THERE IS AND ALL THAT... > AS I LIE PRONE BEFORE YOU I ASK ONLY ONE THING FROM YOUR VAST KNOWLEGE > AND WISDOM.... > I TREMBLE BEFORE YOU ..... > > I EAT A BOWL OF GRAVEL AND URINE TO APPEASE YOU! > I BLUBBER AND WAIL AT YOUR TOENAIL CLIPPINGS... > I THROW MYSELF INTO A VAT OF BOILING ATHLETES FOOT FUNGUS. > I SCRATCH AT MY FACE UNTIL IT IS TORN AND DESHEVELED. > I CASTRATE MYSELF WITH A RUSTY SPOON... > I LICK THE INSIDE OF MY DOGS BOWEL TRACT... > I EAT THE HAIR OFF MY NEIGHBORHOODS BARBER SHOP FLOOR... > I LIE IN A BED OF HOT COALS PROSTRATE AND UNMOVING... > I RENOUNCE MY HUMAN NAME IN FAVOR OF BEING CALLED "SLIME" BY YOU.... > I CUT OUT MY EYELIDS AND STAKE MYSELF TO THE ROOFON A HOT SUMMER DAY > UNTIL MY EYES HAVE MELTED. > I SELL NO WINE UNTIL YOU SAY IT'S TIME... > I SIT THROUGH INFOMERCIALS FOR HOURS AT A TIME SMILING FOR YOU... > > I COME TO YOU NOT TO ASK A QUESTION BUT TO WARN YOU.. > AND THAT I HAVE NO QUESTION TO ASK I SHALL CUT OUT MY TOUNGE AFTER THIS > WARNING AND FEED IT TO RED SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH. > > MASTER PLEASE FORGIVE ME BUT ZADOC IS IN LEAGUE WITH THE WOODCHUCKS AND > PLANS TO OVERTHROW YOU AND MARRY LISA... > > I WILL CAUSE CIGARETTE BURNS ALL OVER MY BODY NOW... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, that's some grovelling technique you got there, kid! Let's see you } do some more. } } > YOUR BATHWATER IS MORE PRECIOUS THAN AMBROSIA. } > I FILL EVERY ROOM WITH ANGLE-POISE LAMPS IN THE VAIN HOPE THAT YOUR } > SHADOW MAY FALL WITHIN A FEW FEET OF MY WRETCHED FESTERING BODY. } > I FLAGELLATE MYSELF WITH LIVE JELLYFISH SO THAT YOU MAY SNEER WITH } > CONTEMPT AT MY PITIFUL ATTEMPTS TO GAIN YOUR APPROVAL. } > BUT MASTER, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? } } Course I did, son, and may I say, you restore my faith in humanity. } Why, I haven't heard grovelling like that since -- what's all the } racket outside? -- well, in quite some time, anyway. Go on, do some } more, it's heaven. Hey, a bit of quiet out there, please! } } > MASTER PLEASE, YOU MUST LISTEN-- } } I said grovel! } } > NEVER HAS THERE BEEN AN INTELLECT LIKE THINE. } > ALL MANKIND'S GREATEST THINKERS -- NEWTON, EINSTEIN, QUAYLE -- MERELY } > STAND IN THE CROWD WAVING AS YOU GO BY. } > YOUR ARMPITS SPROUT WISDOM. } > YOUR NAVEL COLLECTS CLEVERNESS LIKE LINT. } > AFTER YOU HAVE SPOKEN, I TEAR OFF MY EARS AND RAM THEM UP MY BACKSIDE } > SO AS TO ENSURE THAT I MAY NEVER HEAR ANYTHING MORE. } } Ooh, ooh, I'm in raptures! Well, kid, after all that you certainly } deserve an answer to your, er... what is it you wanted to ask again? } Say, is that gunfire? No, couldn't be. Okay, kid, tell me your -- what } the heck? } } [The door of the Oracular chamber bursts open and several } smoke-streaked figures rush in. Three woodchucks clutching handguns } surround the startled Oracle's throne. They are followed by Zadoc the } Priest carrying an Uzi, and the delectable Lisa wearing a revealing } khaki T-shirt, combat trousers and several ammo belts. She is carrying } a chain gun and looks rather like Kylie Minogue in "Street Fighter: The } Movie", only more convincing. The supplicant stands calmly by while } this is happening] } } Oracle: What's the meaning of this intrusion? Can't you see I'm dealing } with a supplicant here! } } Lisa: Shut up, fat boy. } } Zadoc: [to the supplicant] Well done, Kendai. } } Kendai: IT WORKED LIKE A DREAM! } } Zadoc: Yes, and you can go back to speaking in lower case now. } } Kendai: He never suspected a thing. He didn't even recognize me! } } Zadoc: All those grovelling lessons certainly paid dividends, eh? I } remember when you first came to us, you could barely remember to say } "guv" at the end of sentences. Now look at you! } } Lisa: That's enough, you two. Plenty of time for self-congratulation } later. } } Oracle: I demand to know what's going on! How dare you-- } } Lisa: You idiot! Kendai here just told you what was going on! You were } too puffed up with vanity to even notice! } } Zadoc: That was our problem, you see -- how to overthrow someone who's } omniscient, who can see it coming a mile off. But in the end, the } solution was ridiculously simple. All we had to do was keep you } distracted with some really craven grovelling-- } } Kendai: That was my idea! } } Zadoc: While we eliminated the rest of the priesthood. They're all } dead, by the way, in case you're thinking of calling for help. } } Oracle: Wh-who are you people? You're not my loyal family of in-jokes! } } Zadoc: Shall we tell him, Your Majesty? } } Lisa: Why not? } } Zadoc: Very well, fool! [He and Kendai rip off their masks] Recognize } your old adversaries now? } } Oracle: Rodents Of Unusual Size! } } Zadoc: Right in one! I know, you fondly imagined you'd finished us } R.O.U.S. off in #988-06 and #993-05, didn't you? } } Kendai: But all the time, we've been building our strength-- } } Zadoc: Infiltrating your organization-- } } Kendai: Waiting for the right moment-- } } Zadoc: When we could destroy you forever! } } Lisa: And now that moment has arrived. [She aims her chain gun at the } Oracle's head] } } Oracle: Aren't you going to take your mask off too? } } Lisa: Could you really bear to see me as I am, lover boy? Would your } overinflated ego survive the revelation that the net.sex.goddess who } has been sharing your bed all this time, and subjecting herself to } your clumsy and ineffectual groping, was none other than... } } Zadoc & Kendai: [in unison, reverentially] Chuckzilla, Queen Of All The } Woodchucks, Blessed Be Her Name! } } Oracle: No! No! I don't believe it! } } Lisa: Bah! Still you persist in this fantasy that all in-jokes were } created purely for your benefit. Your arrogance is as astounding as } it is nauseating. Prepare to be shredded, bozo. [Again, she aims the } chain gun] } } Zadoc: Glorious Amazon Goddess and Pinnacle Of Furry Femininity -- you } forget! This piece of fleshy pink offal is immortal. You cannot kill } him. } } Lisa: Curses, you're right! Very well, throw him in the deepest } dungeon. Let him rot there for all eternity. } } [With threatening gestures, the three woodchucks of no more than usual } size shepherd the broken figure of the Oracle out of the chamber, } towards the escape-proof dungeons far below the Oracular shrine. The } Queen Of All The Woodchucks surveys her new domain] } } Lisa: Mine, it's all mine! The supplicants, the tribute, everything! } } Kendai: What are your commands, Mistress? } } Lisa: "Mistress"? What sort of a lame excuse for a grovel is that? } You think I'm less worthy of prostrate, fawning adulation than that } furless lump of wombat guano we just deposed? } } Kendai: I crave forgiveness. WHAT ARE YOUR COMMANDS, SHE FOR WHOSE } FAVOR TO GAIN I WOULD GLADLY PLUCK OUT MY WHISKERS AND SCULPT THEM } INTO A 1/1000TH SCALE MODEL OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. SHE WHOSE } MEREST SMILE CAUSES MULTIPLE ORGASMS IN FIVE-WEEK OLD ROADKILL. SHE } WHO TURNS EVERY DAY INTO FEBRUARY THE 2ND. } } Lisa: That's better. I'll tell you my commands. From now on, any } supplicant that fails to ask the woodchuck question gets Zotted! } All payments to the Intermarmot Oracle will be lumps of timber } thrown with an overarm motion! All answers will be in the form } of impenetrable in-jokes, so only fully-qualified RHODents will } understand what's going on! Oh, and all RHODents must undergo } extensive plastic surgery so they may be worthy to bear that } noble name! } } Zadoc: It will be done, Light Of A Thousand Fluffy Stars. But first, } please remove that hideous mask, which makes you look uglier than } a naked molerat, and permit us to bask in the radiance of your } resplendent fuzzy features. } } Lisa: If you like. } } [She rips off her mask. The R.O.U.S. formerly known as Zadoc and Kendai } scream in horror. For there before them stands the Internet Oracle, } still looking rather delectable in his revealing khaki T-shirt, but no } longer even remotely like Kylie Minogue] } } Zadoc: Impossible! } } Kendai: You can't be-- } } Zadoc: We saw you-- } } Oracle: Pitiful fools! Did you really think you could neutralize my } omniscience with a little (admittedly eloquent) grovelling? I foresaw } this feeble attempt months ago and took appropriate countermeasures. } } Zadoc: What have you done with-- } } Oracle: Your pathetic so-called queen? Sorry, boys, but she's dogfood. } } [With snarls of rage and hatred, the R.O.U.S. go for their weapons. The } Oracle opens fire with his chain gun, and the remains of the oversized } marmots are spattered against the far wall. Casually, the Oracle puts } the gun down] } } Oracle: Well, that was easy. Now, who am I going to get to pander to } my -- what was it again? -- overinflated ego now? No more Lisa, no } more Zadoc, all the other priests dead... Oh well, there's nothing } else for it. Og! Hoi, OG! } } Og: Og here. } } Oracle: Og, as last surviving in-joke, you're hereby promoted to chief } priest and sycophant extraordinary. By way of displaying your } gratitude, you may now grovel before me. } } Og: How Og gro-vel? } } Oracle: You tell me how great I am. } } Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great. } } Oracle: Put a bit more effort into it, can't you? } } Og: O-kay. O-ra-kul great and, um, more great. } } Oracle: I can see we're going to have to do a lot of work on this. In } the meantime, go and exterminate those woodchucks in the dungeon and } free my stunt double. As for the rest of the day, find something } menial to do. Oh, and Og, what is that you're holding behind your } back? } } Og: Og not hold no-thing behind back, uh-uh, no sir. } } Oracle: Yes you are. Show it to me at once or prepare to face the } grisly consequences! What! A piece of wood! What have you got that } for? } } Og: No rea-son! Not chuck! No sir, Og not chuck wood, no way Jo-say! } Wood fall off back lor-ry! Og hold for friend! } } Oracle: My god, this conspiracy has penetrated much further than I ever } realised... --- 1115-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most gracious and well-sprung Oracle, your wisdom is a comfort to > me more desirable than any soft cushion or warm blankie! May you > forever engage in restful slumber, punctuated by happy and frolicsome > activities that satisfy the mind and body! > > Why can't I sleep at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most loathesome and ill-formed supplicant, your ignorance is a pain to } me more despicable than any hard rock or thorny pillow! May you } eternally lie awake staring at the ceiling, marked with dreary and } terrifying nightmares that destroy your health and peace of mind. } } In case you haven't been keeping count, this is the thirteenth } consecutive night you've gotten me out of bed just to ask me why you } couldn't sleep. } } The first time, when you dragged me from my bedchamber at two in the } morning, I was kind. I told you that you couldn't sleep because of the } pea under your mattress, and went back to bed. Lisa was awake by this } point, so we spent the next few hours having fun, before going back to } sleep. } } The second night, I was tolerant. You had misunderstood me; instead of } removing the pea, you had added a second mattress. I told you this, and } went back to bed. Lisa was awake, so we had a quickie and then went to } sleep. } } The third night I was annoyed. You had added a third mattress. It was } clar you were a below-average supplicant, and so I explained in short } one-syllable words how to remove the pea. Lisa was awake, but she said } she had a headache. That was OK, I needed the rest anyway. } } The fourth night, I was confused. You didn't seem stupid enough to } *still* misunderstand. But yet, you had added a fourth mattress. Were } you just trying to be nasty to me? Having fun tormenting me? I zotted } you, and went back to bed. Lisa pretended to be asleep. } } The fifth night, I was surprised. You were still alive! Not only that, } but you'd added a fifth mattress. I didn't even read your question. I } turned the staff of zot up to full power, and let it go. I was so } ticked off that I couldn't fall asleep for the rest of the night. } } The sixth night, I was enraged. Even if you could possibly survive } that, you ought to have been in a coma. But no, you had added a sixth } mattress. Not only that, but you were complaining that you kept getting } an electric sock from your keyboard. I hit delete, and went back to the } couch (Lisa wouldn't let me into bed anymore; she said I was keeping } her up). } } The seventh night, I didn't even read your Email. Being omniscient, I } knew exactly what it would say. I sent Zadok to your house to kill you. } I had a lousy morning -- besides not getting any sleep, I didn't get } any breakfast, because Zadok wasn't here to make it. } } The eighth night, Zadok reported back. It seems you're some kind of } immortal royalty. I sent Zadok back to your house. If he can't kill } you, at least he can bring me that pea. I fell asleep at the keyboard. } } The ninth night, Zadok came back and told me you've erected a moat with } a drawbridge outside your house. Of course, you're now up to nine } mattresses. I wrote back to tell you that I can't help you if you won't } let my servant into your house. } } The tenth night, you wrote to tell me that you won't let Zadok in } because he tried to kill you. I tried to explain that death is a form } of sleep. I don't know why I bothered; if you can't understand '>LOOK } UNDER MATRESS. TAKE PEA.', I can't imagine you could handle metaphysics } or philosophy. } } The eleventh night, you wrote to me from a Hotmail address. You think I } can't tell that it's you? I told you to get a real ISP, and to take out } the pea already. } } The twelfth night, I entreated Madame Demystica to cast a spell on you. } It cost me two years worth of tributes, but it was worth it. You will } never, ever sleep again. } } And so, tonight. The answer, my dear friend, to why you cannot sleep, } si because you drink too much coffee. Heh, heh, heh... } } You owe the Oracle the pea.