From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Aug 30 08:27:26 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id HAA16139; Mon, 30 Aug 1999 07:55:14 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 07:55:14 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199908301255.HAA16139@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1114 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1114 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1114 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 07:55:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1114 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1109 64 votes 4hmf6 5dya2 fqf71 fof73 3bqj5 bkk76 2eti1 4ko97 4ejn4 9bjeb 1109 2.9 mean 3.0 2.9 2.3 2.4 3.2 2.6 3.0 2.9 3.1 3.1 --- 1114-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890 > [Ed: 400,000 lines of this crud deleted] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please wait till I call your number. } } Number 588883994, we are now ready to recieve your question. --- 1114-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > HELLO, ORACLE > Nothing happens here. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Damn," muttered the old prospector. "another vein shot to hell." } } Picking had been pretty lean this year anyway. It was hard enough with } the queue drainers in the valley - at least a fellow could tell there } was nothing worth panning for and move on. But this was different. Not } only had all the good stuff been picked out, but it had been replaced } with this junk. "Worse'n fools gold." the old man grated. } } He remembered the glory days at the beginning of the rush. Always } plenty of questions, plenty of -good- answers, and the digests were } infrequent enough that the Priests had time to pick out the REAL gems, } put 'em up where all could see. Youngsters like him in that day had a } model, someone to look up to, someone to emulate. } } But then it started to change. Gradually at first, then faster. Every } fall brought its share of newbies at school - kids with stars in their } eyes and shiny new e-mail addresses. They all made the same mistakes, } the same jokes, the same questions, but eventually an old timer would } take each one aside and explain why the woodchuck query just wasn't } funny any more. } } Bless 'em all, they learned - every one of 'em. They learned or they } grew bored and left - all the same in the end. Some of 'em even started } teaching the newbies the next fall. Now -those- were Supplicants and } Incarnations to be proud of! They just jumped right in and started } digging. } } But now, it was different. The influx of snot-nosed kids was constant. } First it was AOL. Then Juno and Hotmail. They swarmed the queue like } locusts, eating everything in their path and leaving nothing but } insults and four-letter words. Frequently in all caps. There were just } too many to teach. No sooner would one be shown the way than he'd get } bored, or discover girls (or maybe boys - the old timer never asked, } and the kids never told), or find some high-bandwidth-low-content Web } page, full of dancing baloney, to waste CPU cycles on. Then another } would replace him. And another, and another, and another... } } "I'm getting too old fer this," muttered the prospector. "Too old. I } ain't seen a decent question in months, let a lone a grovel..." } } But now this. Not content to strip the landscape bare, the kids were } filling it back up with useless trash. The once productive landscape } now yielded only non-questions, as full of wit as a dead modem and } about as valuable. Even null questions were better than this - at least } an Incarnation could give a guy the benefit of the doubt, choosing to } believe he was just a little too quick on the Send key, too anxious for } a bit of Oracular wisdom and humor, and forgot to actually type his } question first. But now, it was obvious. They took the time to write } something, just to prove they weren't going to write anything. Like } laying meat just out of a starving dog's reach... so close, but so far } away. It was Hell, pure and simple. } } The prospector stood, stretched mightily, and stepped back from his } terminal. The ping of arriving mail caught his notice, but he'd had } enough. It would wait 'til morning. Or forever - he just didn't care } any more. Still, old habits die hard. He bent over to squint at the } screen. The subject caught his eye: "The Oracle replies!" His heart } skipped a beat. "A reply? I haven't sent a question in ages..." He } opened the message and read his question, recognition dawning. It was } one he'd sent weeks ago, and had forgotten about it in the slew of } searching for a question worthy of his Incarnation talents. But what } really got his attention was the reply. It was clumsily written, but it } was original. No r.h.o.d inside jokes, no four-letter words, and the } spelling was atrocious, but it was funny! } } "Maybe..." he paused. "maybe there's hope after all." He thought. "A } good answer starts with a good question. Guess I better start writing } good questions." He sat down and composed a message. And another, and } another, and another... the hunt was on. Not for grovels, not for } questions, not for answers, but for something much more important. The } old man paused a moment, remembering an old joke and paraphrasing the } punch line: "With all this crap, there must be an Oracle in here } somewhere!" --- 1114-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Divine, before whom I am but a mite on a flea on the collar of > mortality, pray tell me this: > > Why is it that whenever I try to do some work, my cat wanders into the > room and falls asleep on my books? Is he trying to get me to fail my > exams? Does he disapprove of the concept of studying? Or is he just > being difficult? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's actually trying to help you out. Every cat knows that if you treat } him with love and respect your life will be fulfilled and joyful beyond } anything you could attain with a human educatio,.vkl;mdfb;. } } Sorry - that darned cat was laying on the keyboard again. Disregard } anything he may have typed. Your cat doesn't want you to succeed in } life - you would end up worshipping something other than him. He'll do } whatever it takes to keep you where you are. I suggest you skin the } beastlmgljfpogmhnm } .......... } } Dammit, dog! Go chase the cat! Sorry, supplicant - the pets are raising } a ruckus here in the computer room. Your habit of eating tuna fish } sandwishes while you study is the reason for the feline tutor. Eat } first, then brush your teeth. You should also start seeing your dentist } regularly - you could use another cleaning, and we can do something } about that } overbitekl;;lkggrehvd } } Get away from my terminal! Sorry! I have no idea how my dentist got in } here. I gotta get a lock on my computer room door. I suggest you do the } same. } } You owe the Oracle a quantity discount at the vet. --- 1114-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, the wisest of the wise answer me this question please. > White or Wheat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you want this crusty ol' sourdough to give you a wry answer } and you think buttering me up with a grovel is the way? } } Well, I donut disagree with you. I've bun wondering and won't } loaf around, here's the poppin' fresh answer right outta the } oven; I'm a gluten for baguettes. } } You owe the Oracle a toast. --- 1114-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, who taught Bill Nye the Science Guy everything he > knows, > Why is the sky blue on earth, but black in space? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're lucky that you asked *me*, Supplicant. If you'd } asked Einstein and Co, you would have heard all sorts } of rubbish about polarised light, atom theory and } quantum effects. } } As it happens, the Creator (an old friend of mine, he } told me this story) got around to Earth last. He was } all out of Black Sky, so he diluted what was left in } the can and it came out blue. } } And as for the refractive atmosphere thing - what good } is godship if you can't make these little hacks? --- 1114-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, the one, the wise, the only entity alive before the Big > Bang, the reason I get up in the morning, the one who puts the I in > e-mail, the one who is smarter than "Ask Marylin", the one who scores > 700 when bowling, the one who eats fear for breakfast, the one who > scores 17 when golfing, the only one who understands the entire tax > code of every country, the one who can travel in time and space and a > few other confusing things, the one who sees the WSOGMM as vertical > scrolling lines of green symbols, the only entity who can write a CD-R > with his eyes, the one who scares rubiks cubes into alignment, the one > who can talk the legs off a donkey and then persuade it to walk, god of > all things large and small but more the large because they are more fun > to play with except when you command the viruses to infect your enemies > with diseases that make their girlfriends laugh at them when they take > their pants off, > > What do you think is an appropriate grovel to question ratio? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's inversely proportional to the answer to tribute ratio. } } You owe the Oracle a decent pair of earplugs, a decent alarm clock, a } provider that puts the I in ISP, the head of Marilyn Vos Savant, } another beer, a little milk to make my bowl of fear a little less } crunchy (and, of course, for the calcium), a little golf pencil } sharpener, a repeal of Section 2380-3872-S-G-1076EZ because, let's face } it, how many of us actually own our own shopping carts, an astrowatch } that'll tell you the correct time no matter what astral plane you find } yourself on, an accurate translation of those vertical scrolling lines } of green symbols, a cheap pair of sunglasses, a part-time job as a } Rubik's Chiropracter, a practical use for four donkey legs, a new pair } of boxers and, if you happen to have one handy, the kitchen sink. --- 1114-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise: > > Why do most relationships seem to end in humiliation? (There's a > story behind this, but I don't want to waste the bandwidth...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because men never see it coming, They see the whipped cream in the } refrigerator, and think it's some kinky sex game. They completely miss } the frozen pie shells in the freezer. Then, BAM! Next thing you know, } they've got a face full of pie. } } You owe the Oracle a towel. You also owe Bill Gates a towel. You owe } Lisa and Melissa Gates some more whipped cream and frozen pie shells. --- 1114-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Supplicant, > > Your confusion merely has to do with your pitiful human perception of > the way the universe works. Your concepts of "time" and "future" are > rather peculiar. So in short, the reason why it seems backwards to > you is because you have no imagination. > > In response to your second question, two or three. > > You owe the Oracle two questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O temporally disillusioned Oracle, who understands all that has been, } is, and will be, I prithee relieve me of my confusion. } } I have recently built a time machine, according to the instructions } left to me by my great-grandfather in his will. I set the clock to send } me back to London 100 years ago, and was transported through a flurry } of swirling special effects (a bit like in Quantum Leap). } } Emerging from my portal, I was greeted by a truly Dickensian sight. } Unruly urchins terrorised the grimy streets. There was no public } sanitation, and the waste from houses and factories spilled freely onto } the road. Working conditions were appalling, and even the trains to } carry the workers home were filthy, late and overcrowded. } } The poor could never hope to attain the wealth and privilege enjoyed by } the smug and greedy merchants and landowners, who passed by in their } private carriages. Alcoholism was rife among the underclasses, and } financial and sexual corruption among the upper classes. Almost } everyone held bigoted, racist, nationalist and jingoistic views, hating } our European neighbours above all others. } } When the bloated members of Parliament bothered to turn up at all, } their complacency prevented any change. Most of the Treasury's money } was spent not in helping the country's economy, but in building up the } armed forces for another bloody and protracted war. I could see no hope } of the country's escape from this spiral of urban poverty, appalling } hypocrisy and insitutionalised violence. } } As you can imagine, I was glad to get back into my time machine and } head back to the present day. But when I looked at the dials that I } realised that the bloody thing had jammed, and I hadn't been back 100 } years at all, but into next week. } } Now I have to hope that your divine omniscience will have answered my } question before I ask it. What I need to know is, should I fix the wide } part of the sprocket to the engine, or the narrow part? The } instructions said that it should be the wide part, but it seems } backwards to me. } } Oh, and I know I shouldn't really ask more than one question, but I } hope you won't mind... I can't remember who it was who said "History } repeats itself: the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce". } Please tell me which of the following it was. } } 1. Tony Blair } 2. Marx (elaborating Hegel) } 3. Julian Barnes (in A History of the World in 10 Chapters) --- 1114-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you warp our mortals minds to follow the right path and from > us streams of tears of gratitude pour as you show us the Truth. We > mortals are twigs and new shoots twisted by your words. > > They say in vitro infants can detect music. What kind of music > do you suggest they listen to? What kind of music would produce > what kind of child? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually all the children come out about the same, pink, small, noisy, } and leaky. What's far more interesting is how the babies are created } in the first place. } } CLASSICAL MUSIC } --------------- } } Young people are encouraged to meet each other outside the } concert hall at the interval. The typical conversation goes something } like this. } } "May I say how honoured I am to meet you Lady Sarah." } "It is I who is so honoured Sir". } } Young classical music fans are encouraged by their parents to mix with } the opposite sex from their late teens. The reason being that by the } time the couple has completed the elaborate and lengthy correct } ettiquette and removed their starched evening wear, the woman may well } have passed through menopause. } } JAZZ } ---- } } The important characteristic a Jazz fan needs to attract members of the } opposite sex to 'hang out with' (an odd term for reproductive behaviour } as 'hanging out' would of course defeat the whole purpose) is to be } cool. The man will sit there in a Belgian cafe, wtih shades, jacket, } chinos, and pointy shoes. The woman will notice him out of the corner } of her eye, and slowly move over. The man remains cool, and pretends } not to have noticed her. Or, even better, pretends not to have noticed } the existence of the world at all. Eventually, the woman will come } close enough for the transference of genetic material to take place. } Jazz fans show poor fertility, mainly due to the large number of female } Jazz fans who find they have mated with a store dummy. } } ROCK } ---- } } A surprisingly large number of babies are born to the fans of Rock } Music. One of the main reasons is that male rock fans almost never } cease reproductive activity when the female partner shouts "stop stop, } I'm not protected". This isn't because the men are macho rapists. But } because after a diet of Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath } concerts, they are unable to hear anything quieter than Concorde } landing. } } You owe The Oracle a portable CD player and a pram. --- 1114-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > most of the time a female will know where you hide anything in the > house because well we women are smart and know such things. if you're > hiding something why don't you put it someplace where your wife doesn't > go like an attic or the basement or a special place she knows that she > is not permitted to be in. or you could have a buddy of yours keep it > for you. > > now answer me this. i have an older sister that of course being older > was in high school before me and in band before me. so everyone knows > me as natalie's sister and they treat me as nothing but a tag along > with no personality. i have friends in the band that don't know natalie > and treat me like a human being but most everyone that is a senoir acts > like i'm nothing even though natalie has graduated. so how do i get > them to treat me as me and not just natalie's younger sister!!!!! > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: Natalie's sister } From: The Internet Oracle } Subject: Re: Answer #Q0nV7xW, the Oracle requires an answer to this } question. } } Stop using your sister's free e-mail account. } } You owe the Oracle a capital letter.