From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Aug 24 10:38:57 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id KAA18443; Tue, 24 Aug 1999 10:03:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 10:03:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199908241503.KAA18443@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1113 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1113 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1113 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 24 Aug 1999 10:03:58 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1113 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1108 60 votes 2bsg3 17js5 7en97 6fnd3 f8ef8 4fnc6 dgae7 19hif 28tba 9ldf2 1108 3.1 mean 3.1 3.5 2.9 2.9 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.6 3.3 2.7 --- 1113-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Happiness is world domination "The folly of mistaking a parody } and your own bag of chips." for the truth, blatant banality for } -- St Dogbert knowledge, a torrent of verbiage } for a spring of capital truths, and } sententiousness for a good } quotation, is inborn in us." } -- Some poncy dead geezer } } THE INTERNET ORACLE (TM) } } also known as } The Usenet Oracle (TM) } } The Internet Oracle is available to answer all your questions, except } the one about "How many hedges could a hedgehog hog if a hedgehog could } hog hedges?" -- this has been done to death (and anyway, a recent study } has shown that the answer is approximately 4 per week, depending on the } type of shrubbery). } } To get the best answers, try including some references to "in-jokes" -- } current in-joke topics include Fiona the Floating Fireplace, reasons } why Nr and Mrs Boutros-Ghali decided to call their son "Boutros", and } Aubergine the French poodle. If you decide to try your hand at a } parody, the most well-received subjects are usually the "Canterbury } Tales" and "Beowulf". } } You may mail your questions to: } oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } The "Subject:" of the message must be your personal, top-secret } Oracular password, which has been designed like a regular sentence to } make it memorable. In your case, this is "Doh! Somebody tell me why I } have a walnut instead of a brain!" Actually, all it has to have is } "Doh! Tell me" somewhere in it. It will be obvious who you are from } that description. The body of the mail should contain your question; } if you wish, you can also include the numbers and expiry dates of any } major credit cards that you hold. You should receive a reply within a } few days at most, although if you choose to include your credit card } numbers, the police and/or your bank might be in touch much sooner. } } In the meantime, the Oracle may require that you make a large cash } donation to an offshore account in a tax haven, as payment for its } services. However, if you are very lucky, you will get away with being } asked to answer a question for the Oracle. In this case you should } respond with as wise and witty an answer as you can, unless you are a } spotty adolescent trying to gain the respect of your peers, in which } case you should respond with a torrent of unfunny abuse and a *zot*. } Don't include the original question, but do preserve the subject line, } adding "I am a gullible fool" onto the end of it. } } Mailing the Oracle with the word "help" in the "Subject:" line will } bring a host of terrible traumas upon your head, mostly involving } records by Vanilla Ice and Glenn Madeiros. Make sure you never, ever do } that. } } Oh, and one last thing: as soon as you finish reading this message, you } must dye your hair purple and get a friend to write "I love Orrie!" in } white-out on your skull. This may not seem vital to using the Internet } Oracle, but trust me, when you've done it you'll be glad you did. --- 1113-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most gracious of all hosts, who has the pleasure of catering > for one of the great spiritual leaders of all time, please help > me out with the musical arrangements for when the Dalai Lama > arrives. Most of all, I need a suggestion for what to have > Barbara Streisand sing to greet his emenance when he finally > returns there to Bloomington. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello Dalai --- 1113-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, worthy and receiver of many great and noble > obsequiosities, some of which are just, some unjust, but all most > crawling... > > Please tell me this: > > Why is it that supermarket trolleys, when marked with "Do not remove > from Tesco's Eastbourne" have been found all over the place, including > Belgium? > > If you could find the time to consider this, Oracle most great, > I would indeed be highly grateful. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } _________ } To England's settlers {________{ } traveling on foot / /| } across The Medium / /|| } Sized Pre-British / /||| } Plains in 8000 BCE / /||/+ } the foggy drizzle --------- |/ 0 } was a constant |++++++++||/ } companions: a gentle |--------+ } whisper echoing across 0 0 } the vast sea of boredom } that we now affectionately call } The United Kingdom. Sometimes, however, a mighty } rumbling of thunder could be heard in the distance, } though no storm clouds could be seen. Then the } ground would begin to tremble, and suddenly the } astonished newcomers would be surrounded by a } thundering herd of trolleys! A herd that stretched } further than the eye could see. The majestic } welcoming committee made it clear that the settlers } had, at last, arrived in the land of the trolley } -- a land where tens of million of trolley held sway. } } But as is man's wont the early settlers did not } choose to live in peace and harmony with the trolley. } Man began to hunt the magnificent trolley, often by } barbaric methods. Entire herds of peaceful trolleys } were chased off the steeps sides of cliffs to plummet } to their doom, their wheels bent, their chromed cages } dinged, their adverts all messed up royal. But even } this carnage was nothing like what ensued with the } invention of the spud gun. Tater yielding dandies } would take out whole extended families of trolleys, } often just to take the bearings. } } But we live in a more enlightened age and the } trolley is protected by law. No one can be mean to } a poor trolley. And slowly, gradually, like a dawn } off the coast of Ramsgate the trolley is making a } come back. No, they will never rule Britannia as } they once did. But they shall not go extinct. Even } now the noble trolley has extended its range and } can sometimes be seen on The Continent itself. --- 1113-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bibulous oracle, > > I read a news report that thieves stole 26,417 gallons of brandy. > > What would anybody do with so much hooch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Soak 317 kilos of mixed fresh fruit in it, add 1,056,680 litres of } dry red wine, 352,227 litres of fruit juice, 211,336 litres of ginger } ale, and 264,170 cups of granulated sugar. Mix well. This should make } about enough sangria for the city of Chicago. } } You owe the Or*hic*le 317 kilos of fresh fruit, 1,056,680 litres of } dry red wine, 352,227 litres of fruit juice, 211,336 litres of ginger } ale, and 264,170 cups of granulated sugar. --- 1113-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Smart and Happy Oracle, > > What will happen next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will receive a stupid answer from the Internet Oracle. } } Now you will delete this email in disgust. } } You owe the Oracle acknowledgment of a very witty response, even though } it pissed you off. --- 1113-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise who boldy goes where no man has gone before, > > Did William Shanter kill his most recent wife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After the trial of O.J., I can see how anyone would be a bit suspicious } of any death involving the spouse of a celebrity. However, did you see } the tearful performance Shatner put on for the camera? He had *me* } believing that he was truly grieving for his wife. Now, it could } be argued that any good actor could cry on cue, and really make you } believe that he had nothing to do with the crime, but this is *Shatner* } we're talking about here. The man's as innocent as a newborn baby. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Space Soap Opera Digest. --- 1113-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most pun-ishing... > > I just got back from helping the needy, and boy are my alms tired... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Which reminds me of the time my mother (yes, even Omnipotent Oracles } have mothers) was nearly burned as a witch. It was like this: } } A long time ago, back in the Old Country (this was before countries } had names, so now I just call it "the Old Country"), Mother used } to practice the fine arts of soothsaying. She had a prospering } business of people who needed the kind of timely advice that only a } top soothsayer can give ("Oh wise Soothsayer, when should I harvest } my corn for maximum yield?" "When it's ripe, idiot. *ZOT*") } } Anyway, one summer our village was overrun with crows, ravens, } buzzards, rocs, and other birds of evil omen. These birds were nasty, } hanging around town in black leather, accosting young girls, chewing } gum in class, and generally behaving badly. The other birds all flew } away to avoid them. (Well, all except the sitting ducks, but that's } another story, never mind.) } } Then one morning, when I was sweeping guano from our veranda, a } huge mob of angry village people (no, not the band) came running } down the street from the village square and surrounded our house, } waving flaming torches and chanting "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!" } } I dropped my broom and turned to run inside, but Mother came out of } the door just then. One of the villagers saw her and yelled, "There } she is! The witch who called all the evil birds!" } } Mother looked surprised. "What do you mean," she asked. "I've never } had anything to do with those birds." } } A villager pushed to the front of the crowd. "Ah, but the only birds } we've ever seen in your yard have been the evil ones this summer. } You must be a witch!" He and three other large men grabbed Mother } and carried her to the village square, where a huge pile of wood } was heaped. They tied Mother to a post above the woodpile. } } I knew I had to do something, so I sprang up to the top of the pile. } "Wait a minute! Isn't there any way I can prove my mother's innocence?" } } Just then, I suddenly smelled the odor of the sea, and a white bird } came flying down to land on Mother's head. } } The villagers all stopped, shocked. Then they untied Mother's hands } and apologized to her. } } "Hey!" I said to the pushy one, "What made you change your mind?" } } I'll never forget the look on his face as he turned to me and said, } "One good tern preserves your mother." --- 1113-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > I have heard that knights of old protected themselves with "chain > mail". How can this be, what protection would a garb of those silly > letters be during combat??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a very good question, and it will require a look at medieval } history. You know of course that medieval paper was much thicker than } what passes for paper these days, and it was really quite sturdy. } Think about it for a moment. Some ancient scrolls have been preserved } for centuries. Now think about how long important documents last at } your office. They usually disappear within hours. } } But I'm only teasing, of course. You are right if you are thinking } that the physical properties of ancient chain letters is not what } actually protected knights in combat. There were usually spells and } curses invoked by those who started the chain mail, designed to thwart } those who broke the chain. I will provide a historical example: } } "Dost thou desire wealth and good fortune? Luck has come your way! } Simply make six copies of this letter, and distribute them henceforth } to thy friends, thy neighbors, and yada yada yada [Bear in mind that } medieval chain mail was copied by hand, and occasionally lazy scribes } shortened them considerably. The older chain letters became, the } shorter they got, and the eventually evolved into business cards. But } I digress.] If thou dost this, thou wilt receive fame and fortune, and } thou wilt conquer thy foes. If thou dost not, thou wilt incur the } wrath of the heavens upon thee. Dost thou believe this not? Dost thou } believe thou canst dispatch with this letter and no harm will come to } thee? Sir Roderick of Coventry believed this, and not a fortnight } after the destroyed this letter, he was summarily beheaded by an ogre. } On the other hand, Sir James of Illyia followed these directions } precisely, and he defeated the Great Dragon of the North. Choose what } thou wilt do." } } Modern skeptics doubt the efficacy of these ancient curses, but there } is enough historical evidence to suggest that there was something } behind them. } } Please send this message to six people at once. --- 1113-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most frootylicious, I just got a new box of Apple Jacks, > and to my astonishment, some of them are *green*! What's up with > this? Have they started making them from Granny Smith apples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, due to a shortage at the Apple Jacks orchard, Kellogs has had } to start shipping Apple Jacks before they're fully ripe. There's no } evidence that this actually harms anyone, although the taste is } slightly off. Of course, people who would actually EAT that stuff } aren't likely to notice, as their palates are shot to Hell and back } anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl, a spoon, and some milk. Pass me that box, } willya? --- 1113-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, thou who has no need of RAM because thou always > knowest where in the memory thy needs to go to. > > Orrie, my girlfriend has memory-grabbing habits that would make > Microsoft look weak. She's using my graphics mangling software right > now, and has opened about 50 images on the same screen. And not just > little ones, but large ones. > > What witty response should I give when she gets up to about 70 images, > the program crashes due to lack of memmory, and she gives me that > 'it's all your fault' look? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd avoid being witty if I were you. If you sound like you're being } too much of a smart-aleck with your girlfriend, you're liable to get } into a .TIFF. } } You owe the Oracle a moire reduction utility.