From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 5 14:58:55 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id OAA01194; Thu, 5 Aug 1999 14:20:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 14:20:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199908051920.OAA01194@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1109 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1109 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1109 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 14:20:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1109 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1104 75 votes 5gun1 8Al55 49nmh 19exi 9fmgd 4ivg6 8blmd 8sme3 4bjmj 64ion 1104 3.2 mean 3.0 2.5 3.5 3.8 3.1 3.0 3.3 2.7 3.5 3.7 --- 1109-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Plump Oracle, I'm sure you will understand. There's this girl I really > like. She's very pretty. I think she might like me, except that I am a > bit overweight. Sitting here at my computer I need two chairs. I have > heard that you are a Large Guy yourself, so I'm sure you can help me. > > What is the best way to get her to go out with me. I'm a bit shy to ask > her, because everyone laughs at me if they even see me -talking- to a > girl because of my weight and my face. I didn't tell you earlier, but I > have severe acne that started just last year. I wear very strong > glasses, too. > > Oh, and I'm not in the computer business, so I'm not rich like Bill > what's-hiz-name. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Firstly, my fleshly friend, let's understand that, although I am of } enormous stature and vast intellect, I am in no way "plump," thank you } very much. If you're going to attempt any communication with a woman, } you must learn to grovel properly. } } Now, my porcine parasite, you must turn your liabilities into assets. } Think of all the fabulous things that you, a man of girth, have to } offer a young maiden: } } 1. Your tremendous shadow can always keep the sun out of her eyes. } 2. You come in handy at dinner... never any leftovers. } 3. You're fun to hug (think "cuddly"). } 4. You'll always make her feel thin. } 5. You make a fantastic pillow. } 6. There's always plenty of room on your lap. } 7. Fat people ARE more fun; know any jolly, thin people? } 8. You'll eat anything she cooks. } 9. You can hide things in your belly folds (hours of fun, I'm sure). } 10. You make the biggest splash in the pool (tres impressive). } } The important thing, above all, is confidence. Yes, my good man, } believe in yourself and she will believe in you! Carry yourself with } pride, speak with conviction, and remember to smile. Show her the } person you truly are beneath that disgusting, obese, greasy, } pock-marked, four-eyed, repugnant, destitute, slothful, offensive, } odiferous, pathetic, miserable exterior of yours. Good luck. } } You owe the Oracle... hey, you gonna eat that? --- 1109-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who could have churned out screenplays for > buddy flicks, chick flicks, action-adventure serials, and > indie ensemble pics by the score, if only he had put his > mind to it, > > What sort of adventures will James Bond be getting into > in ten years, and who will be playing him? And will we > still care? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you asked. Since Pierce Brosnan has decided to wimp out after the } next big Bond production, I dug up some audition tapes that won't } actually exist for a few years. Some notable names here, too. Ian } McKellan, John Cleese, Ewan MacGregor, it's a very long list. Among the } 581 audition tapes, there are some oddities that will eventually turn } up on an episode of Fox's "World's Most Unusual Audition Tapes 8." } } [Audition 47] } } Director (off-screen): "You've been in a high speed car chase across } London, through the Chunnel, into France, and back, causing the villain } to crash into the side of the Chunnel, killing him instantly and } allowing channel water to enter the tunnel at an increasing rate. } You've just escaped by the skin of your teeth." } } Bruce Willis: "That was close. Damn, I need a shave." } } [Audition 82] } } Samuel L. Jackson: "Shit." } } [Audition 129] } } Pauly Shore: "Almost drowned my wee-sel. [Followed by a strange noise } he makes with his mouth that I assume is supposed to be a weasel or } chipmunk or something.]" } } [Audition 216] } } Robbie Knievel: "Man, you mean I was supposed to go *into* the tunnel?" } } As for who gets the part, well, Liam Neeson has shown some interest. } But Ewan MacGregor will get the role and, no, we won't care. } } You owe the Oracle a Q full of intelligent questions. --- 1109-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I tell my roomate how bad his breath really is? Or will it hurt > his feelings too much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, how to tell you, hmm... it might shock you but... well, you have } NO roomate. In fact, you are sleeping in front of a miror, and guess } what ? Mirroirs don't breath... } } You owe the Oracle a promise to stop getting up secretely in the night } to devour garlic. --- 1109-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear sir: > > I represent the Committee for the Rights of All Supplicants (CRAS). > It has been brought to my attention that you have been ZOTting > supplicants for no apparent cause, later claiming it was because > they wrote a stupid question. This practice is a clear violation > of their civil rights and I must request that you cease this immoral > practice immediately. > > Sincerely, > > Richard Cranium, Attorney at Law And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh. Not again. } } <> } } Zadoc, order a hundred more Zot staves! The ATF is comin' soon! --- 1109-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh Oracle, where for art thou, Oracle... > > This morning I got a call from the F.B.I. (no, really). They're doing a > background check on me to determine if my Top Secret (hah!) clearance > should be renewed for the job I've applied for. (I'm not supposed to to > tell anyone, but the initials of the government agency I've applied to > are C... I... A... -- and they're located in Langley, Virginia.) > > Anyway, they asked the usual questions: Am I now or have I ever been a > member of the Communist Party [no]; do I know or have I ever used any > illegal drugs, including, but not limited to heroin, powdered cocaine, > smokable ("crack") cocaine, methamphetamine... und so weiter, und so > weiter, und so weiter... [no]; am I now or have I ever been an active > homosexual [no]; am I now or have I ever been married [yes]; have I > ever committed adultry [no]... > > And then, the strangest question of all... a question so out of this > world that even a Special Agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigation > had to clear his throat three or four times before he could bring > himself to actually ask it: > > [drum roll, please...] > > "Have you wet your bed in the past five years?" > > This, of course, has serious security implications for the United > States of America. I could be shagging sheep on the White House lawn > and still get an Eyes Only clearance with NSA, DIA, DMA, NRO and > sixteen other agencies that, if I even wrote the initials, I could do > serious prison time. Yet, these yahoo feebies actually asked me if I > wet my bed? > > So, my question is this: Who do you think is going to win the World > Series. > > Yours most groveling, > > John Smith > [not my real name] > > P.S. Oddly enough, everything I've written is absolutely true. I don't > blame you if you don't believe it, because, frankly, I find it kind of > bizarre myself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > So, my question is this: Who do you think is going to win the } > World Series. } } As a matter of routine I do not answer questions the answers to } which are the subject of bets. This includes, but is not limited to, } sporting events, elections, stock prices & the flight patterns of } white tailed kites. } } As for wetting your bed question. that was a test of your machismo, } which you failed miserably. Which may be A Good Thing. The correct } answer is, "I make her sleep on the wet spot." } } Tacky and not progressive I know, but hey, those are the folks that } provide the info that enabled the most powerful nation on earth to } bomb an aspirin plant in one of the most backward parts of the world. } } You owe the Oracle the clipper escrow code. --- 1109-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracular One, your knowledge of all things from the profound to > the mundane will be forever unsurpassed. Please explain to me this > mystery that has been my torment through the ages: > > Why are traffic lights in California painted black? In all other > places this humble supplicant has traveled to, they are painted orange. > What is going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's not black paint, that's caked on Marijuana smoke. } } You owe The Oracle some cookies, I've got 'The Munchies' like you } wouldn't believe. --- 1109-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > If I have two people tied up in the trunk of my car, can I use the > diamond lane? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Absolutely not. That lane was meant for people who are } carpooling. } } Well, actually you could... But tomorrow, you would have to get in the } trunk yourself and let one of the tied up people drive as it would be } their turn. Unless you're willing to do this, the answer is still no. } } You owe the oracle Mario Puzo's autograph. --- 1109-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, > > Which is better LIFE or TIME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all apples and oranges, dear supplicant. I may as well be a } FORTUNE teller if I tell you which NEWSWEEKly to spend your hard-earned } MONEY on. I mean, PEOPLE ask me to choose for them all the TIME. Should } I eat a bowl of LIFE for breakfast or just grab a Pop-Tart on the way } OUT the door in the morning? Are my decisions of what to watch on TV } GUIDEd by the voices in my head, or will I DISCOVER that I just need to } up my medication? Should I have that SEVENTEENth double latte, or am I } already too WIRED? IN Case you've yet to figure it out, I think you } need less work and more PLAY, BOY. } } You owe the Oracle a PENTHOUSE apartment... something SWANK. --- 1109-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aaah! Help me! I'm fa > l > l > i > n > g > ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see.. where did I put that trampoline.. Erm.. } } } } Ah, here it is! } } } } Wait! Hold on a second! You didn't tell me how great I am and how } insignifi*splat* } } Um.. Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a spatula. --- 1109-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pigeon on the wing, > flying at high altitude, > gives voice to high coo. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boeings loud noise, } flying at regular height } bird scared shitless.