From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue May 18 09:15:26 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.24) id JAA02486; Tue, 18 May 1999 09:15:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 09:15:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199905181415.JAA02486@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1094 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1094 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1094 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 09:15:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1094 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1089 69 votes 6jva3 2blob 348rr 4qz40 5cze3 3gtf6 9hjj5 2ekje 1fth7 39pjd 1089 3.2 mean 2.8 3.4 4.0 2.6 3.0 3.1 2.9 3.4 3.2 3.4 --- 1094-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "What's the greatest movie of all time?" > > "Hey, do I look like Roger Ebert?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, "Hey, do I look like Roger Ebert?", which starred Woody } Allen and Peter Sellers in a humorous look at a Roger Ebert } look-alike contest, was only so-so. Other perennial contenders } like "Gone with the Wind" and "Casablanca" have memorable moments; } but, for a combination of social relevance, sophisticated dialog, } pithy humor, and a plot that keeps you guessing until the last } scene, nothing can compare with "The Three Stooges Meet the Mummy". --- 1094-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, whose wisdom few can match, > Hang it all! No one can! None at all, natch! > > Let me, please, O Oracle, beseech Thy sacred self, > In cyberspace incarnated by human, dog, or elf. > Should I tell her I love her, or on the other hand, > A silence should I keep, and not take such a stand? > > My desired's named, um, Beth; she's beautiful and hot. > Everyone turns to look at her, but attached she's not. > Er... well, she is, but, you see, her guy's really a shnook -- > Terminals he types at, and I think he's quite a crook. > > My thoughts on him don't matter, I guess you wouldn't care, > Even though he's said to be quite mean and e'en unfair: > > 2 friends of mine told me he burnt a guy to crisp: > All he'd done was say the phrase "wood shack" with a lisp. > More tales abound but I think the point by now you get. > > Um... back to my query: regarding Beth, I bet > Some love for me is in her, though I don't know for sure. > Understanding that, please tell me: should I risk my health, and more, > Allowing myself to be burnt, or who *knows* what he may do, > Letting all that happen, just to tell her "I love you"? > > Sure I should! -- is what I say, but Your advice I seek, > Perhaps it would be better to remain quiet and meek, > Of my love saying nothing to the apple of my eyes. > Tell me please, I beg you, O Oracle most wise. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, oh supplicant, your grovel's bent my ear. } Your question I would once ignore, yet still I do draw near } to listen to your tale of woe, and when it all I've heard, } to ponder and to posture, and to offer you my word. } } Your love, she sounds a wonder true, all beauty and all grace, } Her glance would melt the coldest ice, or cause a heart to race. } But her love is another, yea, a vengeful, evil beast. } You fear what he in wrath might do, what punishment unleash. } } Do I get your gist, your jive, the point of your sojourn? } It's a story told a thousand times, a thousand more reborn. } You're not alone in wondering which path is best to take. } For every man who's won his love, another's heart did break. } } But sooth, I say, it isn't yet your heart for which I care. } Your foe, when learning what you've done, will set out and prepare } to lash you true with whips of flame, red and burning hot. } In short, you fool, to punish you with a great and terrible *ZOT*! } } Aha, you see, I am too wise to fall for your sad ruse. } I know this "Beth" of which you speak, the one you call your muse, } is no "Beth" at all! This one, whom you describe so well, } is none other than my Lisa! Now you'll rot in hell! } } Did you really think that I would fail to understand? } Perhaps that I'm too slow, too old, or simply out of hand? } "Omniscience" is a word that you should really have looked up. } It might have saved us both from what is shortly coming up. } } Now Zadoc, priest and servant true, will bring to me my staff. } } } } I said, "Now Zadoc, priest and servant true, will bring to me my } staff!" } } (Sorry, oh great one. Here ya go.) } } About damn time. What have I said to you about missing your cues? Rats. } Made me lose my train of thought and everything. Line! Yo, line! Oh, } that's right. } } Ahem. } } Now Zadoc, priest and servant true, has brought to me my staff. } I'm tempted to ask him to do this thing on my behalf, } because I hate to soil my hands with dealing with your kind. } But just this once I'll do it for the pleasure that I'll find. } } My anger's piqued, my staff is charged, I have you in my sight, } Come forth now fire, wrath, and heat, and cure me of this blight! } I call upon the gods above, who've grant-- } } (Orrie! Hey, Orrie!) } } Huh? I'm in here, Lisa! } } (There you are. Whatcha doin'?) } } Same as always, angel cake. Listen, I'm really busy-- } } (Ooh, I know that guy!) } } Yes, I know, see I was just about to-- } } (Small world, huh. Well, I'm off. I borrowed your credit cards, okay? I } need some new shoes.) } } Sure, sugar lump. } } (Smoochies!) } } Uh-huh. Bye, now. } } (Orrie! I said, "Smoochies!") } } Aw, geez, Lisa, you know I don't like to do that stuff in front of the } supplicants.... } } (Orrie!) } } Okay, okay. Smoochies! } } (Hee hee! Bye!) } } Finally. Okay, where was I, AGAIN? Right. } } My anger's piqued, my staff is charged, I have you in my sight, } Come forth now fire, wrath, and heat, and cure me of this blight! } I call upon the gods above, who've granted me my gift, } to tear apart all space and time, and cast into the rift } } this mortal slug, this worm, this filth, this oozing, crawling thing } who dares to look upon my bride! (I'm giving her the ring } any day now; don't you think that just because we're not } yet married you can look at her-- I say that you cannot!) } } Yes, thunder, lighting, come right down, and burn this sickly roach } who on my girlfriend-- nay my wife!-- believes he can encroach. } Kapow! And zap! And whoosh and blam! These sounds you will soon hear! } Can you feel it deep inside, that black and chilling fear? } } I see that you're one of two things: courageous or just dumb. } For as I stand above you touching trigger with my thumb } I see that your knees do not quake, your forehead does not sweat. } Why would that be? I can't believe there's something I'd forget. } } I have my staff, I'm ready to zot, and yet you stand there still. } No tears, no screams, no fainting spell, you don't even look ill. } Perhaps you think you'll beat me yet, you arrogant son-of-a-bitch. } But one little *ZOT* and all you'll be is a foot-high pile of pitch. } } Your hair goes first, burnt off your head, and then your clothes } ignite, fueled by shoes of leather, there, and jeans worn way too } tight. And then the rest of you will burn, but first your sweatshirt, } orange, will blacken slowly, as flames dance... } } Um. } } Oh, rats. } } ZADOC! } } (Master?) } } I need a rhyme for "orange." } } (Master??) } } You heard me. And make it snappy. I'm right in the middle of an epic } poem, here. And while you're at it, keep your voice down. Can't look } flustered in front of the supplicants. } } () } } IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? "Door hinge!?" You can't be serious. How } am I going to work "door hinge" into an epic poem of love and revenge? } } () } } Of COURSE I have to rhyme "orange." There he is, see? His shirt. Bright } as a pumpkin. There's no way that could be mistaken for yellow. It's } too bright to be red, and not brown enough to pass for "umber." } } () } } NO I CAN'T ASK HIM TO CHANGE HIS SHIRT. Oh, for the love of.... Just go } away. I'll get myself out of this. } } Your hair goes first, burnt off your head, and then your clothes ignite, } fueled by shoes of leather, there, and jeans worn way too tight. } And then the rest of you will burn, but first your sweatshirt, orange, } will blacken slowly, as flames dance, reflected in that door hinge. } } } } Enough of this, my patience wanes, your time it has expired. } This staff is heavy, and my back is getting really tired. } I hoped that this would be more fun, but now I see it's not. } Writing poems is a lot of work to go to for a *ZOT*. } } A poem for a question, who could resist that kind of bait? } I will admit I didn't see the trap that did await. } "I'll challenge him to rhyme with me, and we'll see who's the better, } when I appear before him wearing an unrhymeable sweater!" } } That hubris I could not ignore, I had to meet your challenge. } But now that my reply's been framed, I can... um... } } Oh, the heck with it. } } *ZOT*! } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for "challenge." --- 1094-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, your wisdom is truly historical... > > I've read that it was everything from the spread of Christianity to > increasing raids from barbarian tribes, but that all sounds too > convenient. What _really_ caused the fall of the Roman Empire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The year CCCLXXXVIII problem. } } You owe the oracle a hammer, a chisel and a *slightly* larger stone } block. --- 1094-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise (if occasionally strange), > At 6:05 AM 5/7/99, I received this e-mail: > > At 02:59 AM 5/7/99 -0500, you wrote: > >The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > >Your question was: > > > >> Don't bother attempting to contact the Coast Guard. The ship is no > >> longer under your control. > >> > >> If you would, please look at D-Sections 187 and 188. Remember: I am > >> in control. > >> > >> Now, sound the alarm. > > > >And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > >} Yes, that's probably a good idea: > >} > >} Code ARI: Plot not found error > >} Code NOSX: Unfinished screenplay > >} Career not Found looking for Bullock > >} vi not found; Using EDLIN to edit film > >} > >} Now let's see. Hard to think with all these klaxons sounding. > >} Something is missing. Ahh yes...the grovel. > >} > >} Now where is this Supplicant? Oh, how kind. > >} Everyone else in the town of Control, Georgia, USA > >} please take cover. > >} > >} > >} > >} Your estate owes the Oracle "Speed 3: Pedal Power" on beta. > > Now, this is a interesting, amusing and entertaining question/answer > set. I like it. For all I know, it'll end up in one of the digests. > > Just one small problem... I neither wrote the question or the answer. > > So how did I end up with this message? > > Do we have a problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well since you liked it I guess we don't have a problem, but } still its odd that it happened. Let me just check the files on eveyone } involved. } } Flip ....Flip....Flip. Ah! I see1 It has to do with the Universal } Balance of Phrases. You see words tend to get really jealous if they } are used more than other words (you should hear those x-words complain) } and the same holds for phrases such that if one phrase containing a } word is used, all phrases must be involved somehow. Since the mesage } involved a Speed watcher and a speedreader, it had to be sent to a } speed user, speed skater, speed demon, etc. Sending it to you killed } many birds with one stone! } } You owe the Oracle a glass house, a stone's throw, a skipping stone, } Stonehenge, [rest deleted to save space] --- 1094-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You know what I've always wanted to see? > > An Oracularity in the style of John Cage. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle Responds: } } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } yeah } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } yeah } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- } --------------------------------------------------------- --- 1094-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > n > > You exit north. > You enter into a large antechamber. Fiery braziers burn all around you. > A massive red carpet leads across the massive room. At the end of the > carpet is a majestic being on a throne, and a worm-like individual. > > > look at worm-like individual > > Uncomfortable with your glance, he cowers. He wears tattered clothes, > and a dented button reading "Zadoc". > > > look at majestic being > > You look upon the majestic being and know in a second that this is the > omnipotent Internet Oracle! His Staff of Zot shines brightly at his > side. His face is only a blur. > > > grovel to oracle > > You beseech the Oracle, "Oh great and powerful Oracle...". He's heard > this one before. If you could see his face, you would swear his eyes > were rolling. > > > ask oracle for chicks > > The Oracle is bored with these pedantic requests. His finger twitches > towards the Staff of Zot. > > > push button > > You see no button here! The Oracle grabs the Staff of Zot. > > > push button on plot device > > Just as the Oracle aims the Staff of Zot at you, you push the button on > the Plot Device(tm).... > > [DISCONTINUITY] > > After a brief blackout, you appear to be a majestic being sitting in a > chair looking down on a worm-like individual and a lowly, yet familiar > supplicant that you are in the progress of zotting. > > ***ZOT!!!*** > > The lowly, yet familiar looking supplicant drops the now useless Plot > Device as he is blasted three dimensions away. The worm-like individual > cowers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > look } } You are now a majestic being. Around you are a worm-like individual, a } staff of ZOT, a useless plot device, and a question queue. } } > look question queue. } } You see a question in the form of an Infocom parody. "Oh, no, not } again," you sigh to yourself. } } There is a question here } } > feed question to useless plot device } } The useless plot device grows bigger. } } There is a question queue here. } } > look question queue } } You see a question about woodchucks. "Oh, no, not again," you sigh to } yourself. } } There is a question here. } } > feed question to useless plot device. } } The useless plot device grows bigger. } } There is a question queue here. } } > look question queue } } You see a question about cavemen. } } There is a question here. } } > feed question to useless plot device. } } The useless plot device grows into an overused plot device. } } There is a question queue, a wormlike individual, and a ZOT staff here. } } > feed ZOT staff to overused plot device } } The overused plot device grows bigger. } } There is a question queue and a wormlike individual here. } } > feed wormlike individual to overused plot device } } Zadoc kicks and screams like a little girl, but you manage to feed him } to the overused plot device. The overused plot device grows bigger and } achieves critical mass. The overused plot device explodes and destroys } everything. } } You are dead. } } You scored 87 out of a possible 100. } } You achieved the rank of old, cynical incarnation. } } Play again? (Y/N) --- 1094-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just WHO is Lisa? Is she merely a digital construct for RHODers? > Or based on some voluptuous carbon unit that exist(s/ed) in the > real world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, she exists, just as much as I do. There have been days in which I } was convinced she was nothing more than a figment of my imagination, } but those were usually the days that involved one of several things: } } * Lots of Tequila or Jack Daniels, } } * Huge amounts of w__dch_ck questions, } } * Lisa was in one of her bondage/sado-masichistic phases, and well, } hallucinations are quite common when subjected to that, as any } american POW in vietnam could tell you. } } In reality, she's really a very nice person. Really! And I'm not just } saying that because she noticed what I'm typing and is holding my } wand to my back. If she cud mve t to the eft typng wld be easer } ahhh... much better. } } To tell you the truth, my life may have been much simpler without } her, but not nearly as exciting and fun. And I know this because } she told me so. Who needs oracular wisdom when your girlfriend can } tell you everything you need to know? } } Anyway, I had best stop while I'm ahead. I don't want to say anything } that she might make me regret. } } You owe the Oracle a ball-and-chain, and 3 pairs of leather shackles. --- 1094-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does he love me too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The good news is: Yes. He does love you. In fact, he thinks about you } constantly. He thinks about you instead of studying (which is going to } cause a slightly-lower grade in that Java final exam next week). He } talks about your beauty, intelligence and your, um, well, er, beauty to } all of his friends. As a matter of fact, he talks about you so } constantly, insistently and even without pause that several of his dorm } friends have signed up with the suicide watch at the university medical } center. } } Yes, dear, he does love you. } } Now the bad news. In 22 years you'll find yourself married to a } 42-year-old man who not only loves you but also suddenly decides to } quit his job at the software company and start a company to import } Japanese bookbinding cloth. After three years, he will go bankrupt and } get into serious trouble with the IRS. He will then decide to become an } Episcopal priest (don't worry; they're allowed to be married) and, } after seminary, he'll get a posting as a rector in a parish in the } Upper Peninsula of Michigan. } } You will have three children and gain about 45 pounds. He will still } love you and still think you are the most beautiful woman he's ever } seen in his life. } } Sure, you'll lose the house in New Jersey, but the parish will give you } a rent-free house in Michigan. The bankruptcy court will allow you to } keep your grandmother's dishes, but they will make your husband sell } that little sailboat the two of you liked to take out on the Hudson } River on weekends. } } Every morning, for the rest of his life, he will say a private prayer } to God, thanking Him for giving you to him. } } One of your daughters will decide that she wants to become an artist. } She'll fail, but she'll end up as a manager of a bookstore in mid-town } Manhattan, and will be very happy. } } You'll have good days, you'll have bad weeks, you'll have exciting } months, you'll have some very strange years. } } But he'll love you. } } You'll both go on vacation to India. You'll have a car wreck that will } will injure you and your youngest son (you'll all be okay, although Jim } will have a slight limp for the rest of his life). } } And he will always, always love you. } } You owe the Oracle a happy life. --- 1094-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uhm, Oracle...I'm scared. The US Military accidentally bombed a > Chinese embassy. Are we going to go to war with China? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not, don't be silly! China would be much too fragile for a } protracted ground war. We'll be going to war with MREs and } lightweight, durable mess kits. Of course, being far too old for } combat service myself, I mean "we" in the sense of "you"... } } You owe the Oracle an egg roll, hot and sour soup, and an order of } General Tsao's Chicken. No need to serve it in fancy dishes. --- 1094-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Master of The Internet, Sworn Enemy of Fluffy; > > Is a French Dinner the same thing as a forty-foot robot who > appreciates poetry, but is bent on destroying the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pleased to note that you've cleaned up your grammar. } As a gesture of good will, I will abort the mobile ZOT delivery } service that I had previously ordered. Now, let's consider: } } French dinner Killer robot } ------------- ------------ } Attitude: Bad. Snooty waiters Bad. Wishes to destroy } think you are scum. everything. } } Price: Exorbitant. An appetizer Exorbitant. Rebuilding the } consisting of one snail demolished cities will run } costs 56 dollars. into the billions. } } Esthetic High. The French appreciate High. The killer robot } Value: the finer things in life, loves poetry, despite its } whatever their faults. unfortunate evil nature. } } Good first No. The uppity French will No. Maniacal psychopath } date choice? reveal you for the uncultured robot will tear you and } clod you are, leaving your your date limb from limb, } date singularly unimpressed. not endearing you to her. } } The Oracle may be forced to reconsider his earlier answer...maybe a } French dinner and a forty-foot robot who appreciates poetry, but is } bent on destroying the world _are_ the same thing. } } You owe the Oracle a statistical analysis of the odds of the same } incarnation getting both your original question and the sequel.