From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 10 00:10:29 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id AAA00270; Mon, 10 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199905100510.AAA00270@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1093 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1093 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1093 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 10 May 1999 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1093 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1088 80 votes 24hur 27Bt5 ailhe 19vrc cst92 4btt7 bvx41 5dxl8 725oG 6hCg3 1088 3.2 mean 4.0 3.4 3.1 3.5 2.5 3.3 2.4 3.2 4.2 2.9 --- 1093-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > GREETINGS ORACLE! THIS IS YOUR DOOM TALKING! I AM LORD SOTH! I HAVE > MY LEGIONS WITH ME AND AM OUTSIDE YOUR TEMPLE GATES! I WILL DESTROY > YOU IF YOU DO NOT GIVE IN TO MY DEMANDS! AND MY DEMANDS ARE...AN > ANSWER! > > Yes, an answer. I want to know when I will finally get Kitiara? I > miss her terribly and want her for my own. I even wrote a song about > it! Here goes... > > Oh Kitiara, my love is true! > Oh Kitiara, I want to...uhh...deathknight-afy you! > > Oh Kitiara, I wish you were here! > Oh Kitiara...uhh...ummm...You need to use Nair! > > So what do ya think? Will it win her over or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dragons of Spring Rising in The War Of The Twins Over Kyrnn, Part 32. } } The scene: an army camp outside a majestic Greek temple. The sentries } stand their guard as silent and unmoving as... as... well, as corpses. } Which is what they are, of course. } } Creeping through the night we find yet another generic stalwart band } of heroes, consisting of one kendar, one dwarf and one human, a female } both doughty and comely, dressed in full plate armour which still } somehow manages to cling to her curves. Creeping silently through } this silent night, they silently sneak up on the rear of a tent. } Within the tent, silently, a dim blue light flickers. } } Silently, the kendar slits the back of the tent open, and they sneak } in to find a luxuriously appointed, nay downright opulent interior. } The only light, however, comes from a strange box with a window in it. } Sneaking up on the box, the human female reads the words inscribed } within, and then throws up. } } Suddenly, the curtain covering the front of the tent is thrown open } and Lord Soth, escorted by four of his death knights, strides in, } surprising the heroic band. The atmosphere is tense. } } Soth : "So. You came to assassinate me - *and* you've been reading my } email !" } Female : "Your tyranny must come to an end, Soth. You'll never } succeed in your evil plans." } Dwarf : "That's true. We may be outnumbered but we'll take you all on } and - " } } Suddenly a figure in a bathrobe holding a rubber ducky and a full glass } of champagne appears in the tent. It's getting quite crowded in there. } } Oracle (for it is He) : "Oh, for the love of Gnu, can we stop with the } fucking dialogue already ?" } Kendar : "What the heck ?" } Soth : "So, Oracle, you come out of your sanctum and into *my* } territory !" } Oracle : "Can it, bone-boy. It's getting late, I'm getting ready for } a bath with Lisa, and the champers is going flat, so let's } get this over with." } Soth : "You propose to fight me, one on one ?" } Oracle : "FIGHT you ? Do I look like a bloody fighter ? Go besiege Thor } or Hercules if you wanna fight. I'm a God of Information." } Soth : "So are you going to, heh, heh, inform me to death ?" } Oracle : "Hmm. Soth, allow me to point out a few facts here. You're a } death knight, right ?" } Soth : "Yeah. So ?" } Oracle : "Which means you're essentially a skeleton in armour designed } to be stuck in dungeons when a referee wants to threaten a } bunch of role-playing geeks." } Soth : "That may be so, I suppose." } Oracle : "So why are you above ground, writing stupid love poetry and } pretending to be something out of a romance novel ?" } Soth : "Umm..." } Oracle : "Go home, Soth." } Soth : "This was getting boring, anyway." } } Soth and his army fade away, leaving the four figures standing outside } the temple. } } Dwarf : "We cannot thank you enough for -" } Oracle : "Shut it. I haven't finished with you yet." } Dwarf : "Oops." } Oracle : "You, kendar, front and centre. What do you have to say for } yourself ?" } Kendar : "I dunno. Sorry about stealing your bathsalts ?" } Oracle : "Screw the bathsalts. Repeat after me: I, Tasslethingy the } Kendar..." } Kendar : "I, Tasslethingy the Kendar..." } Oracle : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea } of..." } Kendar : "...am the result of a bad writer ripping off Tolkein's idea } of..." } Oracle : "...a hobbit !" } Kendar : "...a hobbit ?" } } Immediately, the ground opens up and two large figures with green skin, } horns and Gucci briefcases climb out. They drag the screaming kendar } back with them into the glowing sulphur-choked rift in the ground, } which closes after them. } } Oracle : "Trademark lawyers. Gotta love 'em." } Female : "My Gods, how could you do that to my friend ?" } Oracle : "Your Gods, you say ? You mean Fizzbum the Incompetent and } Tiathingy, the Lizard Queen ?" } } A large, reptilian figure looms in the night above the Oracle. By her } side, a stooped human figure can be seen. } } Tiamat : "I prefer the term 'Dragon Queen', thank you." } Oracle : "Ah, thought that might get your attention, your lizardness." } Fizzban : "You are a very impertinent young demigod. Any reason why we } shouldn't disintegrate you where you stand ?" } Oracle : "Well, y'know, I have to admit I only have a Wand of Zot, and } you two are after all Incarnations of Cosmic Forces of Good } and Evil. However... } Tiamat : "However, what ?..." } Oracle : "I *am* a God of Information after all." } Fizzban : "So ?" } } WE INTERRUPT THIS TEXT FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT } Hey, kids ? Do you actually *enjoy* reading the latest bit of crap } from Hickman and Weis ? Did you know that Richard Adam's _Maia_ has } *exactly* the same level of bad writing and routine fantasy you've } come to expect, but features the adventures of a nubile young lass } sold into sexual servitude within a corrupt and decadent empire ? } BACK TO THE STORY } } Fizzban : "You bastard." } Tiamat : "Help me - I'm faadddiiiinnngggg - " } } The figures of the gods disappear and the three are left alone. } } Female : "What happened ?" } Oracle : "For some reason, they suddenly experienced a critical lack } of readers." } Female : "So... so... why are we still here ?" } Oracle : "Well, you originally came from another base, that of those } geeks stupid enough to play D&D. They're not able to read } an entire book, and they think sexual literature involves } centerfolds. Which explains you." } Female : "Me ?" } Oracle : "Yup. Ever had a period ?" } Female : "Um, nope." } Oracle : "Ever wonder where you managed to get a set of full plate } sculpted for 36 Ds ?" } Female : "Um, nope." } Oracle : "Ever wonder why you have a habit of falling into bed with } roguish, but handsome young adventurers, yet you never seem } to worry about pregnancy, morning breath, or commitment to a } meaningful relationship ?" } Female : "Um, nope." } Oracle : "You're the figment of an adolescent male virgin gamer's } imagination. Go away. You make me nauseous." } } The female shrugs and fades away into the night, leaving only the two } remaining characters in front of the temple. } } Dwarf : "Um, so what now ?" } Oracle : "If I ever catch you playing around with the friggin' holodeck } again, Zadoc, you'll be cleaning the horse's stables." } Dwarf : "I do that anyway, Oh Great One." } Oracle : "With your tongue." } } Exit the last two figures, Zadoc to his lowly pallet of straw somewhere } in the temple's basement, the Oracle to a half-occupied hottub awaiting } champagne and ducky. } } You owe the Oracle something by Lois McMaster Bujold instead. --- 1093-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Paper looming near, > Three days to complete it hence > Oh no I am screwed! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frantic all-nigthers } and Haiku's to Oracles, } signs of deep madness. } } Three days practicing, } "Would you like fries with that, sir?" } Foretells your future. --- 1093-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...What does an anti-depressant do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anti-depressants are the first successful application of } nano-technolgy. } } Antidepressants contain thousands of truly tiny clowns. Clowns in } bright red floppy shoes, clowns in yellow bellowing pants, clowns with } green hair and bulbous noses. These itty-bitty white-faced merchants of } glee course through your system chortling and make their miniature } horns go 'honka-honka-honka' as they look for the dread 'sad cells' } that cause depression. } } When the nano-clowns find a 'sad cell' they perform an endless stream } of cell splitting slapstick routines that make the 'sad cells' laugh } & laugh & laugh until the 'sad cells' turn into 'murderously irritated } clown hating cells'. } } This last part is what is known as a 'side effect', but, oh well, the } aforementioned cells at least aren't sad any more. } } You owe the Oracle some place quiet to brood. --- 1093-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am at one with the worlds mustard. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, now you get to graduate to horseradish. --- 1093-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > > he who knowth all that is, has been, or will be, tell me... > > How come no fortune teller I know, has ever won the lottery even though > they can 'see' the future ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah but they all will Supplicant, they all will! You see every } fortune teller has seen in their dreams those magic numbers that will } make them rich for life, but they know not when it will come. Many } mediums become pathetic homeless people with six numbers tatooed on } their arms begging for the dollar they need to play that day, and } standing in front of TV window displays hoping. Of course what they } don't know is that they all have the same numbers. I figure each of } them should clear about a buck and a half after taxes. } } You owe the Oracle a Quick Six --- 1093-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, thou whose MLMs are not constrained by the size of the > Earth's population, as thou's marketing ability allows thou to sell > a 'business list' to every atom in the universe, pray tell me. > > Oracle, according to the National Fraud Watch Center, "If it looks too > good to be true, it probably is." Orrie, this setup where we can send > you any question we like, and you'll reply looks far too good to be > true. Are you some sort of scammer, and if so, how does it all work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple. } } Being omniscient I know the name and email adress of every supplicant. } Based upon a lot of psychology and the questions every supplicant asks, } I can have a user profile generated, that shows what interests, hobbies } and needs every supplicant has. } This allows me to have huge lists of email adresses compiled, sorted by } interest categories. } These list are sold to spammers for big bucks. } Get ready to get spammed :). } } You owe the Oracle a sturdier mailserver. --- 1093-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, how can I seem smart all the time, like you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As shown by your complete lack of grovel, it is obvious that the } time needed to produce the necessary increase in your natural } intelligence would exceed your lifespan and possibly mine. So, you'll } have to settle for } } THE ORACLE'S TIPS ON FAKING INTELLIGENCE } } 1. Substitute the phrase "Studies have shown," for the phrase "I } think," For example, "Studies have shown that you suck." This creates } the illusion the entire scientific community agrees with you. If } anyone asks you what studies just drop some acronyms like the NIH, CDC, } PBJ, etc. and claim you'll send them a copy later. } } 2. Attribute your insane ramblings to famous dead people. For } example, if you say the following at a dinner party, "I have have } zuccini in my underwear," people will start to edge away from you } nervously unless you add, "at least according to Confucious." then all } will be impressed by your deep thinking. } } 3. Avoid speaking with experts on their topics on conversation. There } is no way you fake your way through a physics discussion with Stephen } Hawking. } Ideally, you would chat with him about 14th century Latvian folk } dancing which, of course, you studied at Harvard. } } 4. Hang out with stupid but curious people. This a natural extension } of rule three but you must pick your focus group carefully. Really } dumb people, those who have yet to master dialing nine to call outside } the building, won't be smart enough to recognize the hints you drop. } Ideally, you would start with people who ask, "Gee how can I be as } smart as you?" } } You owe the Oracle an interpretation of the latest CDC study on Latvian } folk dancing by Voltaire. --- 1093-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most winning, how can I tell if I'm spending too much time on > eBay? > > _______________________________________________________________ > Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As it happens, I was just checking My eBay when I received your } question. Let's take a look at your listing under Collectibles | } Supplicants... } } Dave T. Groveler } Item #97126842 } } Currently $0.02 First Bid $0.02 } Quantity 1 # of bids 1 } Time left Auction has ended. Location Earth } Started 05/02/99, 05:11:20 PDT } Ends 05/05/99, 05:11:20 PDT } } Seller dtgrovel@msn.com (0) } High bid zotmeister } } All things considered, I'd say you were on eBay just long enough. } } You owe the Oracle most winning his two cents worth and positive } feedback. --- 1093-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It was a stark and dormy night... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a stark and dormy night } Where shinky Four-of-Hearts once braled: } All dimsy was the orinckite } And the lame lews erswailed. } } "Watch out for Lindseygreg, my mate! } The verse that scans, the words so true! } Watch out for Clergymen, and bait } The humusant Timchew!" } } He took his dodgsy pen in hand; } Then cast it out, cause real men type - } So wrote he in a Budbud spree, } Leaned back and puffed his pipe. } } And, as the shining wit had known, } The Lindseygreg, with eyes so stark, } Came dorming through the woods alone, } Reminding him of Snark! } } One, two! Three, four! And five and six } The stanzas came out bad, the hack } Thus left it fine and with his Pine } E-mailed it its words back! } } "And hast thou stunned the Lindseygreg? } A cunning stunt, my iffy mate! } No? NAY? Can't titillate the dreg?" } She cried out, quite irate. } } It was a stark and dormy night } Where shinky Four-of-Hearts once braled: } All dimsy was the orinckite } And the lame lews erswailed. } } You owe the Oracle...not a word. --- 1093-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most sea-worthy, > > What was the voyage like on the Anti-ark? With the Anti-Noah, you > know the boat with all the vile creatures on And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am suprised mortal that you know of the Anti-ark's extistence } and yet know nothing of the story. No matter, you have asked, and } I will answer. } Now just after God told Noah to build the Ark, Satan's } intelligence agency relayed the conversation to him, and he knew } something must be done to save all that is evil in the world. So he } contacted Haon, a drunken wastrel in the city of Sodom, and demanded } that he too build an Ark and load into it two of everything that was } evil. And Haon replied, "Sod off. I'm drinking." So Satan applied } fire to various parts of Haon's anatomy, and quickly convinced him to } build the Anti-ark. After the Anti-Ark was constructed he went out } into the world to collect all that was evil. This was difficult as } most of it was carnivorous, poisonous, or trying to sell him insurance. } After much trevail he started loading them into the Ark, first the } dragons, then the basilisks, the imps, the insurance salesman, the } goat sucker birds, the icky crawling things than spawn from unwashed } gym socks, etc. until at last the Anti-ark was full. Haon entered } the Anti-ark to survey the legions of evil in all their splendor, } and found two really full dragons and the insurance salesmen, for } even dragons have standards. After the flood, the two dragons had } a son who can be seen in Scotland to this day, and the scourge of } Insurance spread across the world and Satan smiled. } } You owe the Oracle a flameproof double indemnity policy.