From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 26 08:11:20 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id IAA07429; Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:11:20 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:11:20 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199903261311.IAA07429@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1084 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1084 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1084 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:11:20 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1084 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1079 69 votes 3amjf 6nlh2 5brj7 2ppd4 8gnd9 3nne6 2nqf3 9uk73 2fve7 4nub1 1079 3.0 mean 3.5 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.0 3.0 2.9 2.5 3.1 2.7 --- 1084-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are the wind beneath my sheets. --- 1084-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > What are your favorite and least favorite letters of the alphabet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. An intriguing supplication, for which I thank you. } } My first thought would imply that most common of symbols, that which } is found following D. But it is not as common as you might think; } anticipating how many words you can find in a dictionary, I could find } a surprising amount which would not contain that symbol. } } Contrary to that position, said symbol is rapidly indicating that I } should award this symbol with an award for most uncompromising symbol. } Composing this short amount of paragraphs is proving most difficult, } and I am starting to think that this bit of my most copious wisdom } is, mayhap. not that which I ought to impart to you. } } So, to finish: my opinion on your supplication is: that fifth symbol } of thirty minus four symbols is that for which I hold both a most } high and most low opinion. } } You must pay into My bank vault a box containing millions of fifth } symbols; this way I may simply obtain a fifth symbol at any point that } I should want to do so. And a big glass of H2O for all this hard work! --- 1084-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hm, I wonder what this button does? > > >PRESS< And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle shouts "NOOOOOooooo!" } } A curtain on a far wall moves back revealing hundreds of monitors } showing hundreds of overweight white guys in their underwear sitting } at terminals typing away like crazy... well, they were typing. Now } they all stop as one and look towards you and yell, "Pay no attention } to the men behind that curtain!" The Curtain shuts. The Oracle snaps } his fingers and Temple Security whisks you away. } } You are tossed without ceremony out of The Temple to land on your } butt in street. Half a second later a paper bag is tossed out from } The Temple at you. Upon opening the bag you find what appears to } be the heart of a large mammal, a macrame brain and a GED diploma. } A second later a pair of red Nikes fly out form The Temple too. } The shoes hit you in the head. } } It hurts. --- 1084-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ZADOC: > There's an Oracle I've found > Could bring us all joy! > There's an Oracle I've found > Could cure the boy! > > LISA: > An Oracle you've found > could cure the boy! > > There's an Oracle I've found > could remove his sorrow > He lives in this town > Let's see him tomorrow! > > ZADOC and LISA: > He lives in this town > Let's see him tomorrow! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He got toe-jam football. } He got monkey finger. } One thing I can tell you is the Oracle ain't free. } Come together } Right now. } You owe me. --- 1084-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and holy Oracle, full of power and might! > Grant me an answer to my question, before Friday night! > > I've had enough of "Zippergate", the whole thing makes me sick, > So why can't someone stab Lewinsky with a pointed stick?! > > PLEASE?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You humans do confuse me when you send questions like these } But I'll fulfill your wishes; after all, I aim to please. } } We go to our reporter: we're now live by sattelite, } to coorespondant Zadoc, with Lewinsky on his right. } } Zadoc: } Thank you, Orrie. Here's the girl who you claim makes you sick. } And here's a tiny, forked, unpolished, pointy little stick. } } I'll poke and prod and scratch and scrape and touch and tap and toy } And rap and jab and lunge and thrust and generally annoy. } } Monica: } Hey! Ouch! That hurts! Quit! Knock it off! You're taking this too } far. At least, please have the dignity to tell me who you are. } } Zadoc: } I'm Zadoc! Here's my business card. A High Priest, how's that grab } you? In fact, TIO sent me here to take this stick and stab you. } } Monica: } So you work with the Oracle? I like a man with power. } Come over here, and settle in, cause this might last an hour. } } I'll show you pleasure right away, first fast and then real slow. } (And this time I'll make sure that lousy bitch Tripp doesn't know.) } } Zadoc: } Oh, yeah, uh... me and Orrie, uh... yeah, we go back real far. } I make him lots of coffee and... erm... sometimes park his car. } } Monica: } You mean that you're his flunky? That's not very cool... } Well, heck, I guess that's close enough. Come here, you silly fool! } } Zadoc: } Wake up! Attention, TIO! I quit! Right now! Today! } And baby, no more of this stick. I'm throwing it away. } } Monica: } Wait a second, Zadoc. Don't throw that very far. } It probably works better than the President's ---===ZOT===--- } } THE PAIN! YEEE-AGH! THE AGONY! MY GOODNESS! MAKE IT STOP! } YEEEEEE-OUGH! YEEEEE-EEEE-EEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EE! Sizzle, sizzle, pop. } } Zadoc: } Aw, come on, boss, that wasn't nice, I was about to score! } It would have been the first time since July of '84. } } You never let me have my fun. Well, Orrie, you can rot. } Uhhhh.... } I didn't mean to anger you!!! WAIT!!! Drop that staff of } } ----====****ZOT****====---- } } PS: } This is the part where, in return, I often ask for stuff, } But sitting through this poem likely was torture enough. --- 1084-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ohoraclemostwisewhocanbreakanycodethensacanthrowathimmypunctuationwhites > pacecharactersandcapitallettershavebeenstolencanyoupleasehelpme And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YesI can help } youy o ung suppli can t. } Youseeth ep rob lem is } not t hat yo ur } spa ce sgo tst } olen ,youmere l ymi } ssp lacedthem whe nyou } were th in k ing } a bout s omet h i nge l } se.T rylookin g unde } ryour } bed } . } } You owe the Oracle some glasses. --- 1084-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I spam thee? Let me count the ways. > I spam thee with an Karen Liddell chain. It's not an MLM! > I spam thee with a special offer that none can e'er refuse, > For all the used golf balls needed for a lifetime. > I spam thee with a laundry disk that doesn't really work. > I spam thee with a curious "test" > To verify your email really works. > I spam thee with a penny stock. It isn't really worthless, > No matter what the Wall Street experts say. > But most of all, I spam thee with a bold and blatant ad > For a million clean addresses and my "Stealth Email Blast-O-Matic", > So that you may spam as well. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello. } } I'm Craig Shergold. You may remember me as the plucky, } 9-year-old English kid with a terminal brain tumor in 1989. A } year later, not only did I get better, but I also made it into } the Guiness Book of World Records for getting the most spam. } Of course, back then, we called it "greeting cards," but it's } basically the same thing. Oh, and the brain tumor? Well, as it } turned out, it was all just a goofy misunderstanding. } } But the important thing is that I got all of these complete } strangers to send me stuff without even having to ask for } it. Can you imagine the joy and giddiness I felt opening } 44,000 envelopes every day for a year? No one can...until } now! Thanks to Al Gore's gift of the Internet, I can return } the happiness that all of you sent me during my painful } year-long near-death experience in a rancid British } roach-infested hospital. } } Oh sure, I occasionally use aliases: my 2nd grade music } teacher, Mr. Rhodes, is singing his own blues these days. } And I've learned to type with my nose since 16 million paper } cuts haven't left me with much below the elbows. } } Still, it is my civic duty to see to it that everyone on } this planet gets an opportunity to achieve the same world } record status that was bestowed upon me. So when you } receive an "electronic greeting card" from me, don't delete } it...save it. Send it to a friend. Send it to yourself! } Then send it to Guiness. But don't feel obligated to send } it to me. I've already achieved my fifteen minutes of fame. --- 1084-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORA 399 GENERAL OMNISCIENCE. Credits: 1.00, Hours: Variable. > Section 01. Call No. 999999. Limit: none. Instructor: I ORACLE > > Description: A multi-faceted survey covering general world > knowlege, cultural literacy, computer terminology, Zen Buddhism, > Life, the Universe, and Everything. Not open to students who have > had "JUNO 142: Commercial Promotion Through Mass E-mail" or members > of the Woodchuck Faculty. Instructor Permission required. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: No, you can't audit the class. } } Student #32: Like, will that be on the test? } } Oracle: NO. } } Student #43 : Ah dude, I got water-polo practice on Thursdays and I } like was wondering if I could like skip those classes and } like. . . } } Oracle: Since you're going to get hit by a car and die on the } first of next month it really doesn't matter. } } Student #43: Dude! Is like that a joke or are you being like } all knowing and stuff? } } Oracle: Jokes will be discussed in all classes as outlined in the } syllabus. Tests will . . . } } Student #13: Whoa. Tests? Can I take like credit/no fail on } those? I have a test anxiety disorder. } } Oracle: I checked the bookstore, all texts are in. Reading } the assignments BEFORE coming to class is urged. } Moreover. . . } } Student #06: How much wo... } } [ ZOT! ] } } Student #43: Righteous! Will we learn how to do that? --- 1084-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > This is my sig. It doesn't tell you my name or anything > else about me, but it is distinctive enough that you can > recognize it if you have seen it before, allowing you to > make reference to any questions and answers you have > previously exchanged with me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Me Og. Me DJ at WORY, all orrie, all time radio. Me spin great Oracle } hits. Og like best Orrie & Zadoc's Ms. Lisa: } } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } Zeus bless you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } We'd like to know a little bit about you for our killfiles } We'd like to help you learn to help you give yourself } Look around you, all you see are sex addicted guys } Stalking you around the grounds until you groan } } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } Zeus be with you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes } Put on your pantry with your ZOTcakes } It's a little secret, just a certain priest's affair... } Most of all, you've got to hide it from from the supplicants } } Coo, coo, ca-choo, Ms Lisa } And here's to you, Ms. Lisa } Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot) } God bless you please, Ms. Lisa, } Orrie has left and gone away.... } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) } } Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon } Going to the temple or Eros Orgy } Laugh about it, shout about it } When you've enjoyed being used } Every way you look at you're loose } } Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio } A nation turns its lonely eyes to you (Zot, zot, zot) } What's that you say, Ms. Lisa } Joltin' Joe has left and gone away } (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey) --- 1084-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I love you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before this goes any further... Does your friend own any tape } recorders?