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=== 1082 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1082
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 13:50:02 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    1082
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1077  73 votes 5hui3 7oua2 5ewj3 39hrh 6kdoa 8rt45 7cmma 03wrb qvd30 5esfb
1077  3.0 mean  3.0   2.7   3.0   3.6   3.2   2.6   3.2   3.6   1.9   3.2

--- 1082-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Excruciatingly terse question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unsatisfying answer.

--- 1082-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU Fri Mar  5 15:18:44 1999

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who do you think you are kidding Mr Oracle?
> If you think old England's done
> We are the supplicants who will stop your little game
> We are the supplicants who will make you think again
> So who do you think you are kidding Mr Oracle?
> If you think old England's done

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's right, supplicant, it's British comedy night tonight on KORC we
} have a hilarious line up of the best of the British situation comedies:
}
} 8:00 - To the Temple Born: A laugh-riot as Steve Kinzler is forced to
}        sell the Oraclular temple to Og.  This week Steve finds out that
}        Og wants to re-code the search engine using a big spiky club!
}
} 8:30 - Rhod's Army: The classic ensemble comedy set in Usenet during
}        the Great September follows the adventures of a small newsgroup.
}        This week the DMP barbeque is delayed once again by the oregano
}        fundamentalists, this time in the form of Malcolm Pack, Tim
}        Allen is once again trapped on the infinite donut road, while
}        Kimberly Chapman uses her breasts to keep Lars Clausen wound up.
}
} 9:00 - The Good Zot: The Oracle and Lisa decide to live closer to
}        nature, growing corn and other crops, such as corn and corn, in
}        their Indiana backyard.  You'll be rolling on the floor this
}        week as Orrie tries to *zot* that pesky w**dch*ck which has been
}        throwing all their corn around.
}
} 9:30 - Yes, O Great One Who's Shoes I Am Unworthy To Lick: comedy and
}        mayhem in the Question and Answer Minstry, as the Oracle, his
}        wily head of the Oracular Service (Steve Kinzler) and his
}        Private Secretary (Ian Davis) try to avoid the pitfalls of
}        public office.  Hilarity ensues tonight when the Oracle *zot*s
}        an opposition MP during Question Time for inquiring about the
}        feasiblity of lumber transport using marmots!
}
} 10:00- Are you Being Incarnated: Amusing rivalry in the Oracular Temple
}        between the North American priests (Juliana Avendon, Mark
}        Lawrence, and Tim Chew) and the Commonwealth priests (Ross
}        Clement, Dave Hemming and Ian Davis) while Steve Kinzler tries
}        to keep the peace.  In tonight's episode, a flame-war breaks out
}        over the correct spelling of "colour" and Ross Clement is called
}        before the Oracle.
}
} 10:30- Some Oracles Do 'Ave 'Em: Great slapstick comedy as the
}        accidenprone priest Zadoc stumbles and bumbles his way through
}        life. This week Zadoc gets transported back to prehistoric times
}        where he meets Og, Thag and the business end of a Brontosaurus!
}
} Followed by current affairs on Zotline with T.I. Oracle at 11 pm.
}
} That's right, here at KORC we'll transport you back to the golden years
} of the early eighties and you'll be laughing until you burst!
}
} KORC - Public Television for Bloomington, Indiana.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the episodes of Blackadder, Red Dwarf, The Young
} Ones and Monty Python on laserdisc.  Oh, and a laserdisc player.

--- 1082-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Should I read the FAQ before answering a question?   Nah, I guess
> not.
>
> \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ZOT!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A bolt of green lightning emerges from one of the house's windows and
} strikes a tree, which disintegrates in a shower of splinters. The army
} of police surrounding the house cower behind their barricade. Police
} Chief O'Herlighy raises his megaphone again]
}
} O'Herlighy: This isn't helping your situation! Throw out your weapon,
}     whatever it is, and come out with your hands up!
}
} Booming Voice From Inside House: YOU DIDN'T GROVEL, SUCKER!
}
} [Another bolt of green lightning snakes outwards and strikes a pair of
} police cars, which are thrown high into the air before crashing back to
} earth upside down, scattering officers in all directions]
}
} BVFIH: YOU OWE THE ORACLE A BETTER TARGET! MWAHA HA HAAH!!!
}
} [The sound of an approaching siren cuts into the fiendish laughter,
} and an extraordinary vehicle screeches to a halt amidst the crowd of
} onlookers behind the police barricade. It looks like an old ambulance,
} with numerous aerials, antennae and less easily-identifiable
} instrumentation on top. On its side is painted a logo of a single
} large eye framed by a computer screen.]
}
} [The ambulance door opens, and the scrawny figure of Zadoc the Priest
} steps out into the street. He is wearing utilitarian grey robes covered
} with a lacework of what looks like strips of silver foil. His feet are
} covered by large rubber boots, his hands by thick insulating gloves,
} and a pair of goggles adorn his forehead. On his back he carries a
} large metallic contraption which looks suspiciously like a
} heavily-disguised aqualung. A hose emerges from it, attached to a
} flamethrower-like nozzle sheathed in a holster at his left hip. Zadoc
} waves to the crowd]
}
} Zadoc: Never fear, honest citizens, the AOLBusters are here!
}
} [Three more similarly-clad figures step out of the ambulance and start
} waving to the crowd. Chief O'Herlighy bustles up to them, angrily]
}
} O'Herlighy: Who the hell are you guys? What do you think you're
}     doing here?
}
} Zadoc: [holding up an ID] Oracular Priesthood, AOL Cleanup Division.
}     My name's Zadoc, these are my fearless colleagues Darkmage, Viles
}     and Chew. Give them all a big hand, folks! Chew's the baby of the
}     team. Say hello to the nice policeman, Tim.
}
} Chew: Hello to the nice policeman, Tim.
}
} O'Herlighy: Well, there's nothing for you priests to do here. Leave now
}     before someone gets hurt.
}
} Zadoc: Explain it to him, Otis.
}
} Viles: What you have here is an Anti-Oracle Liberation situation, or
}     AOL event, as we term it. It happens sometimes when a newbie tries
}     to incarnate without taking all the necessary precautions, like
}     reading the FAQ.
}
} Darkmage: You see, instead of having the muse of the Oracle enter into
}     him, allowing him to impart sweetness and light to all and sundry,
}     the incarnation may instead find himself possessed by the Oracle's
}     evil twin, which is bad.
}
} O'Herlighy: How bad?
}
} Chew: Very bad.
}
} Viles: Degrees of possession can vary. Usually they're not as serious
}     as this one. Grade 2 event, wouldn't you say, Ian?
}
} Darkmage: At least, if not Grade 1.5. Nasty.
}
} Chew: So, if you'll just keep your people out of the way for the next
}     ten minutes, Chief, we'll sort this for you.
}
} O'Herlighy: You're not seriously planning to go in there?
}
} Viles: Seems a nice place. Shame to waste it, but it can't be helped.
}
} Darkmage: Don't worry about us, Chief. Our superconductive exoskeleton
}     suits will protect us from direct Zot impacts. The energy is
}     channelled through these flexible platinum strips into the earth
}     without causing excessive defibrillation of our bodily tissues.
}
} Viles: At least, that's the theory.
}
} Chew: You guys really know how to build confidence.
}
} [While they explain, Zadoc has been whipping up the crowd into a chant
} of "Who're You Gonna Call". Satisfied, he joins the others, beaming]
}
} Zadoc: So, whaddaya say we go do some damage?
}
} [The AOLBusters place their right hands one on top of the other and,
} with a cry of "Go, priests!" turn in unison and head for the house. The
} crowd cheers wildly as they trot up the path towards the front door.
} They are halfway there when the door opens and a bolt of green
} lightning is unleashed directly at them. The bolt strikes the ground at
} their feet, causing it to erupt into an shower of earth and gravel. A
} huge hole opens up, swallowing our heroes. The crowd gasps with dismay]
}
} [The dust clears. At first, nothing can be seen inside the hole. Then,
} some fingers appear at the rim. They grip the tortured earth and pull.
} The mud-spattered face of Zadoc rises into view. Gradually, the other
} priests emerge, grubby but apparently unhurt. The crowd bursts into
} wild cheering]
}
} Zadoc: It's okay, folks! Just a minor set-back, no harm done!
}
} [Chew helps Darkmage out of the hole. The latter winces as Chew grasps
} his arm]
}
} Chew: You all right?
}
} Darkmage: Yeah, just a slight compound fracture. I've had worse.
}
} Viles: Want to sit the rest of this one out?
}
} Darkmage: Are you kidding? This incarnation is toast!
}
} [The priests unsheath and activate their weapons and, with a roar,
} charge into the house through the still-open front door, which slams
} shut behind them. There follow 15 minutes of green and yellow flashes
} within the house, accompanied by explosions, crashes, loud Zot noises,
} screams and occasional cries of "Don't cross the beams!" Every now and
} again, a discharge bursts through the roof, showering tiles and debris
} onto the surrounding policemen. Eventually, silence descends on the
} house. The crowd holds its breath]
}
} [After what seems an eternity, the front door begins to creak open,
} then drops off its hinges. Two figures emerge from the wreckage of the
} house: Chew supporting the injured Darkmage. Their robes are torn and
} they are covered in blood, scorchmarks and what looks like but surely
} couldn't possibly be melted marshmallow. Grimsly, they stagger down the
} path, the crowd and police following their slow progress as if
} mesmerised. Then, ever so slowly, they raise their heads, grin broadly
} and give a thumbs-up sign. Three more figures now appear in the
} doorway: Zadoc and Viles, carrying the slumped figure of the
} semi-conscious incarnation between them]
}
} Zadoc: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
}
} [The crowd erupts; even the police throw down their guns and join in
} the euphoric cheering. People surge forward and mob the AOLBusters,
} reaching out to touch them as they pass]
}
} O'Herlighy: [trying to shake all their hands] You boys were wonderful,
}     just wonderful!
}
} Chew: It was nothing, really.
}
} Viles: All in a day's work.
}
} Darkmage: All right, folks, time to go home. Nothing to see here.
}
} Zadoc: No autographs, please. Well, perhaps a few...
}
} [While Viles holds the stunned incarnation, Zadoc and the other two
} priests climb onto an upturned police car to receive the adulation of
} the crowd. People are now in raptures, laughing, crying, singing.
} Zadoc waves his arms as if conducting the pandemonium. Unnoticed by
} anyone, the incarnation begins to recover his senses. He turns to the
} priest holding him captive]
}
} Incarnation: Was it all right, Mister Viles?
}
} Viles: You did great, son.
}
} Incarnation: Really? Mister Zadoc, do you...?
}
} Zadoc: [without turning] Fantastic, kid, you're a natural. Give the kid
}     20 bucks, Otis.
}
} Incarnation: Twenty bucks! You said I'd get...
}
} [Viles grabs the incarnation by the lapels and slams him against the
} body of the police car]
}
} Viles: Listen, punk, we know your email address, see? You want us to
}     fix it so you never get digested, ever again?
}
} Incarnation: No, no, I'm sorry, Mister Viles, I'm... I'll never mention
}     it again, honest I won't.
}
} Viles: That's the spirit. Now bug off, son, you're cramping our kudos.
}
} [The incarnation slinks away into the crowd, unnoticed. Viles climbs up
} to join his colleagues, causing the crowd to redouble their efforts. It
} seems to the four AOLBusters as if they are afloat on a sea of noise]
}
} Zadoc: God, I love this town!

--- 1082-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh grand oracle of all knowledge known and unknown, who
> can tell what the location, speed and mass of a subatomic partical
> is, and who knows the ultimate question to the life, the universe
> and everything.
>
> I have a question of great importance..
> should I wear just regular underwear today, or this pair with
> pictures of cute fuzzy bears on it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if Monica didn't mention the fuzzy bears in her book or any of
} the interviews, chances are very, very good that none of the other
} interns will either. It don't matter Bill. Wear which ever pair you
} wish.
}
} You owe the Oracle anything but a cigar.

--- 1082-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> We are the Clueless.
> Grovels are irrelevant.
> Questions are irrelevant.
> Your biological and technological distinctiveness will disappear
> under a tidal wave of spam.
> _______________________________________________
> Resistance is futile at http://www.borgmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Captain Picard leads an away team that beams onto the Clueless
} ship. Dr. Crusher has discovered their nursery.  "Apparently the
} Clueless start out as thinking organisms, but then their minds are
} warped by being subjected to a continuous stream of high-energy Og
} questions and Microsoft jokes," she says.
}       A group of Clueless converge on the away team.  The team ward off
} a few with their phasers, but the Clueless quickly learn to not notice
} the weapons.  The away team beams back to the Enterprise, but too late.
} Picard has been captured.
}       A week later, the Clueless ship hails the Enterprise.  It is
} Picard speaking, but he has been altered by the enemy.  He says, "I am
} Loclueless. Resistance is futile.  You will service us."
}       The next week another away team beams back to the Clueless ship,
} and recaptures Picard.  Dr. Crusher restores him to normal.  Using the
} implants removed from Picard, Data interfaces his circuitry with the
} Clueless ship.  "I have penetrated the Clueless consciousness," he
} says. "Fascinating.  It is nothing but an endless stream of URL's of
} porn sites." Data disables the ship's graphics card, and it shuts down.
} The Enterprise destroys the Clueless ship with a photon torpedo.
}
}       Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Star Trek: The
} Next Generation.

--- 1082-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Are there any doctors on the board of the Dickerson Park Zoo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Although there are many doctors *in* the Dickerson Park Zoo.
}
} The park, as you know, is named for Col. Reginald "Wiley" Dickerson,
} who brought back many rare and intriguing specimens from his forays
} into the wilds of Harvard and John Hopkins. I remember one night in
} particular - oh, must have Autumn of '24 - Wiley brought back a
} thundering giant of a gynecologist. The bugger had hands the size of
} tennis rackets, and they were as cold as ice. Wiley'd caught him by
} strapping his wife onto a metal table and using her as bait. Dangerous,
} I know, and I gather things got a bit dicey when it looked like he was
} going to take a pap smear.
}
} Anyway, I highly recommend a trip with the whole family. If you want my
} advice, pass on the anaesthetists - it's a bit like watching sloths.
} What I like to do is just skip past the GP's and cardiologists etc, and
} go straight for the proctologist house. They're great, kids love
} watching their crazy antics. But mind the sign, "Do Not Feed the
} Proctologists". Trust me, Zadoc found out the hard way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of peanuts and a tongue depressor.

--- 1082-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O wise and mighty Oracle, whos depth perception is far better than was
> mine when I dropped that vial of nitro glycerine, please answer my
> question,
>
> As you know, Omniscient one, I work in a chemistry lab. Recently, I
> drank an entire car battery worth of acid. It made me sick. Now the
> goblins in the wall won't stop taunting me. How can I get rid of their
> incessant chattering?! PLEASE HELP ME!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, perhaps you could consider setting them up with a slower modem,
} or perhaps a less reliable Internet Service Provider.  A few ISPs don't
} allow users to use IRC client software at all, so that might be an
} option as well. Unfortunately, I doubt this would stop their chatting.
} As seen daily in rec.humor.oracle.d, incessant chatting without an IRC
} client is quite--
}
} --what?  Oh, "chattering".
}
} Oh.
}
} Well, let's see.  Chem lab, battery acid, nitro glycerine, noisy
} goblins in structural walls (it is a structural wall, right...if you're
} bothering me about goblins in a cubicle partition I'm going to give you
} such a pinch...). This sounds like a job for the Time-Life Home Repair
} and Improvement books. I've got almost the full set now.  Sure, in the
} first few years ya get yer basic "Kitchens and Baths" and "Decks and
} Patios", but if ya stick with it for a few millenia you get to
} "Poltergeist Management" and "Backyard Minefields" and "Mass Graves
} Made Easy" and other, really useful stuff.
}
} Okay, let's see, this should be in "Academic Structures and
} Dungeons"...I'll check the index...let's see..."Chemistry Labs...
} Freebasing in... Negotiating with terrorists in..."  Ah, here it is...
} "Extracting minor demons from".
}
} Okay, whatcha gonna have ta do here is just rip out all this old dry
} wall, ya see.  Now, yer gonna wanna be wearing yer basic protective
} eyewear when yer doin' it, because the dust and the ectoplasm are
} really gonna fly.  I'll be using the claw end of yer basic crow bar,
} but ya could use any kind of a hammer or pry bar--just be sure ya get
} it blessed by a licensed exorcist BEFORE ya start the project.
}
} Which reminds me, ya do got yerself a permit for this, doncha?  Ah,
} cripes. Okay, whenever yer gonna be doin' major construction and/or
} battling the forces of evil, yer gonna need a licensed architect AND a
} request for variance hearing before the city council.  And let me tell
} ya, the neighbors they ain't gonna be none too happy, because nothin'
} hurts property values like a vortex of doom in the neighborhood.
}
} Okay, let's say ya got yer permit.  Now, starting near the bottom of
} the wall, just rip that dry wall right out---OW OW OW OW YIKES AHHHGGG!
} ... Okay, ya gotta be careful about the wiring, too.  Now, I'm gonna
} pull back a little more of the dry wall, and --- ah ha!  There he is,
} yer little goblin! Oh, he's a cute little fella, ain't he?  Just
} chattering away like a little demonic Furby (editor's note--is that
} redundant?)  Well, he's cute, but cha don't want a minion of the dark
} overlords living in a load-bearing wall, so we've gotta get him out
} there.
}
} Now, a lotta folks'll tell ya that any kind of snare or noose will do,
} but take it from me, when the little monster's head starts to spin and
} the unquenchable fires of hell are approaching yer construction site,
} yer gonna want the professional quality and lifetime waranty that you
} can only get from a Craftsman Auto-Lock Gremlin Cage.  Now, for a small
} project like this, ya get might want to rent one, but I can't
} overemphasize the importance of having a good, reliable Poltergeist
} Restraint Device, especially with the coming Millenium and ESPECIALLY
} if yer house is built on an Indian Graveyard or has mildew.
}
} All right, well, we're about out of time for this week.  Next week,
} we'll discuss techniques to use in case this little guy's apocolyptic
} relatives decide to wreak havoc on yer neighborhood.  You'll see some
} great techniques involving a nail gun, some spackle, and a piece of the
} True Cross that will solve those problems in a snap.  Until then,
} remember to always be careful around power tools!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the underground video "Hometime's Funniest
} Bloopers" in which Robin "accidentally" shoots Dean in the hip with the
} nail gun.

--- 1082-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ogwa here.  Og tell Ogwa Ora-cul know an-swer to all prob-lem.
>
> Ogwa puz-zled.  Og put box in cave.  Og tie mammoth to pole.
> Og tie pole to box.  Og get mam-moth run round and round.
> Pic-ture app-ear in box.  Og stay by box.  Og not move.
> Ogwa bring meal.  Og not move.  Ogwa bring Og fav-our-ite meal.
> Og still not move.
>
> Ogwa ask Og.  What Og watch?  Og say Form-ul-a One.  Ogwa
> not know what Og mean.  Ogwa see many car go round and round like
> mammoth.
>
> Ogwa want know.  Why many car go same road many time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long time ago, man name Skag make liquor from cranberry and the root of
} willow plant. Drink made brain crazy. Drink make man run and run and
} run like wild gazelle, and not stop until exhausted.
}
} Liquor called For-myoo-lah One, since Skag make only one for-myoo-lah.
} Skag die after he taste liquor and run till he die. He not have time
} make better name, like "crazy running booze."
}
} Great Man In High Cave, he hear of For-myoo-lah One, and he say make
} many barrels so that mammoth beasts go fast to slay foes. War men
} mounted mammoths, said "give to them much magic formula, so we may ride
} fast to Great North-ern Village and pillage many women" and it was
} done.
}
} Mammoths drink, then they run and run, but booze make mammoth run round
} and round instead of straight line. Army ride round in circle, hold on
} for dear life so man not fall off.  Mammoths run for days and days.
} Great Man in High Cave, many men come out to watch mammoths run. Men
} sold beer, ate many nachos with cheese.
}
} Some mammoths col-li-ded. Many men fall off backs. Great Man in High
} Cave say, "Whoa, man! That gotta sting!" Women wave cloths of yellow
} and red to slow down mammoths, let fallen men run out of circle. Man
} find mammoth who not drink For-myoo-lah, ride him out in circle to slow
} down other mammoths. This he call "pace mammoth."
}
} Two suns pass. Mammoths all stop and die but one. Him who ride mammoth
} get much cheering and flowery branches and twigs. Great Man in High
} Cave give man special re-ward for not falling off the best. Women wave
} special flag with checkers to ce-le-brate.
}
} To-day, still is race For-myoo-lah One, only cars used, not mammoths.
} Many men watch in magic electric show box, ignore nice woman like Ogwa
} for long period of time. Be nice, bring Og pret-zels, enjoy Ogwa time
} for Ogwa. Tomorrow, make Og watch cave woman chick flick with Ogwa on
} Life-time Network.
}
} You owe Oracle a bag of pretty shiny things.

--- 1082-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oracle, whom mortals fear the kill-file of, whose threads meander
>  not, whose .sig contains more wisdom than an encyclopedia (yet is
>  still under 4 lines long), Oh flame-proof one, answer me this;
>
>  Is USENET alive? It replicates, it uses energy, it takes up
>  space, it grows. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...and blows...
}
} Yes, Supplicant, USENET is indeed alive, in the same sense that the
} weeks-old yogurt in your refrigerator is alive: you'd be happier if it
} wasn't.
}
} USENET exhibits all the classic symptoms of a bacterial culture:
}
} * It is comprised of millions of tiny, insignificant, mindless,
}   visually revolting creatures.
} * It exhibits no sign of conscious thought.
} * It seems to grow at an exponential rate, even though there is
}   no evidence whatsoever of sexual reproduction happening.
} * It smells rather putrid, and
} * More often than not, it makes me sick.
}
} Even more worrisome is the abnormality of its life cycle:
} * Sub-cultures -- here labeled 'groups' seem to emerge for no
}   apparent logical reason, and also seem to be inherently insane.
}   Consider these examples, which I am not making up:
}   - rec.food.shit
}   - rec.sport.cow-tipping
}   - rec.sport.mugging
}   - rec.sport.extortion
}   and, the very conveniently named:
}   - rec.food.bacteria
}
} * USENET exhibits a severe abnormality in the process of natural
}   selection. Misshapen, inferior and useless offspring  (such as
}   rec.humor.oracle.d) refuse to die as expected, but instead tend
}   to prosper and thrive, outliving its more healthy parents.
} * Introduction of predatory, destructive agents -- such as AOL, WebTV
}   and Luc French -- into its in-bred, weakened ecosystem does not
}   have the expected effect of decimating or even controlling
}   the virulent population, but instead seems to fuel its expansion.
}   In short, IT CANNOT BE KILLED!
}
} There was a happier, more innocent time when people feared the End Of
} The World(TM) by nuclear extinction.
} More recent times have shifted the fear towards viruses such as AIDS or
} Ebola coming to kill us off. How we pine for those happy days now.
}
} Today, everyone fears the End Of The World(TM) in the shape of an
} imaginary creature called 'the Millenium Bug', while the scientific
} community still ignores the *real* threat -- the invincible, immortal,
} all-consuming Andromeda strain called... USENET.
}
} Be afraid. Be very afraid.
}
} You owe it to The Oracle to clean out your refrigerator. It has begun to
} lurk.

--- 1082-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Smelly Cat, Smeely Cat,
> What are they feeding you?
> Smelly Cat, Smeely Cat,
> It's not your fault.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The face of Tiddles the cat appears. {} = Cat thoughts]
}
} {He's settling down in his chair. It's still the advertisements. The
}  show starts... 5 4 3 2 1}
}
} MIAOW!!!!! MIAOW!!!! [Tiddles runs to the cat bowl]
}
} Woman of House: John, can you feed Tiddles, he's hungry?
}
} Man of House: Not again. Mumble mumble. Poo! Jane, this cat absolutely
}               stinks!
}
} WoH: John, how dare you. Tiddles would never stink. Let me sniff my
}      sweet smelling little Tiddles then [Collapses in dead faint]
}
} MoH: Jane, Jane!!! Wake up [Slap slap slap]
}
} WoH: Oooohhhhh. Urrrgghhhh. Tiddles may be a bit wiffy.
}
} MoH: I'm not surprised. Look what you've been feeding him. [Label
}      appears in closeup]
}
}                               Fetid Cat
}                               ---------
}
} Fetid Cat the all new fermented cat food made from choice pieces of
} offal left to ferment in a rusty iron drum out in our back garden for
} three weeks. Supplemented with various birds that flew into the fumes
} and died instantly.
}
} Warning: Not fit for human consumption. Never open Fetid Cat in your
} kitchen or any other place where human food is prepared or consumed.
} Should Fetid Cat come in contact with the skin wash immediately with a
} mild base and contact your doctor immediately. Keep out of the reach of
} children. In case of accidental consumption induce vomiting and go to
} the nearest hospital within five minutes. The use of Fetid Cat in
} warfare is specificially prohibited in the Geneva Convention on
} Biological Weapons. Should you find a can of Fetid Cat has been left
} open in your house, wrap a wet towel around your face, crawl outside
} keeping your head as close to the floor as possible, and contact your
} local Civil Defense organisation immediately.
}
} MoH: We're going to have to feed him something else.
}
} [Close up of Tiddles]
}
} {They wouldn't dare!}
}
} [Later]
}
} MoH: Tiddles, dinner! Din-dins!
}
} [Tiddles continues washing on the couch]
}
} MoH: Oh well, if he's not hungry yet. [Starts dialling on the
} telephone]
}
} {Phone is ringing, no answer yet. Someone answers, not the right
}  person. Friend comes to phone. Conversation starts. 5 4 3 2 1}
}
} MIAOW!! MIAOW!! MIAOOOOOOWW!!!
}
} WoH: John!
}
} MoH: Oh no. Sorry Jack, I'll phone you back.
}
} MoH: Here you are Tiddles, a brand new delicacy for you. 'Go Cat'.
}
} [Close up of Tiddles face. Despite the fur, the look of shock and
}  disbelief is obvious]
}
} {THIS ... IS ... NOT ... HAPPENING}
}
} [Tiddles turns his face up to John and...]
}
} MIAOW! MIAOW!!!
}
} MoH: It's food, cat. FOOD! EAT IT.
}
} [Tiddles sniffs at it a few more times and walks off]
}
} MoH: Be like that then.
}
} [Every five minutes the above pattern repeats]
}
} WoH: Maybe Tiddles wants to eat 'Fetid Cat'.
}
} MoH: Well he can just wait until he gets hungry and decides to eat the
}      Go Cat.
}
} {Oh, will I?}
}
} [Two days later]
}
} {OK, you want to play rough do you?}
}
} MIAOW MIAOW!!! MIAOW!!!!
}
} {Perfect, here he comes with the can of Go Cat. Now, where's that open
}  bottle of Tomato Sauce. Slurp slurp slurp. Now pretend.}
}
} MoH: Ha! I knew it. Look at him eating Go Cat as soon as he gets a bit
}      hungry and .... oh no ..... Jane! Tiddles is throwing up blood!
}
} WoH: Oh my god, take him to the vet immediately.
}
} {Heh heh heh}
}
} [Several days later]
}
} WoH: Tiddles, Tiddles, my Tiddles. Look, we're back from the hospital
}      after having our olefactory nerves severed. And look, fifteen cans
}      of 'Fetid Cat'. We had to get a licence from the police to buy
}      this much at once, but nothing is too much for my little Tiddlesy
}      Widdlesy. Let me give my little Tiddles a big big hug.
}
} {Oh brother. Enough with the cute stuff, where's my food}
}
} MoH: [Humbled]. Here you are Tiddles, 'Fetid Cat'.
}
} [Tiddles sniffs at the bowl, then looks back at John]
}
} {Actually I've decided I would like 'Go Cat' after all}
}
} MIAOW!!!!
}
} You owe The Oracle a Porshe. No, I think I'd rather have a new
} Computer. No, maybe I would like some flowers. Gee supplicant, can't
} you get anything right?