From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 1 12:35:32 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id MAA02463; Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:35:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:35:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199903011735.MAA02463@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1080 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1080 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1080 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 12:35:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1080 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1075 78 votes 6brnb 4hCd6 6hEc3 5cDg6 9mhhd 9nmea 4pwc5 5eomd 6bsmb 447bQ 1075 3.2 mean 3.3 3.0 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.3 4.3 --- 1080-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the secret of eternal death, > > Could you write a story where are the major in-jokes (Lisa, Og, Zot, > etc.) are killed off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. I could. } } Heh, I love it when they're easy, on to the nex-- } } *pfft* } } What was that? } } *looking down at his hands in wonder* It was me, I think. } } Hey, buddy, no trespassing in the palace -- who are you? } } I used to be your Staff of Zot. Apparently your supplicant } has elevated me to an oracularity character. } } Hmm. Well, stay quiet for now, I'm busy. The queue is full, } and Letterman's almost on. } } Oh ... I don't think so ... } } *Zipping off a quick answer* Yes he is, it's almost 11:30. } } Oh, Letterman's coming on, all right, but I don't think I'll } be staying quiet ... } } *Mutters as he whips off another answer in a vain attempt to } drain the queue* } } Enter Lisa, looking stunning in a short lime-green chenille robe, } showcasing her tan to perfection. } } Orrie? Come on, Letterman's almost -- who are you? } } I'm your worst nightmare, baby. } } Zot raises his arm and points menacingly at Lisa. With a sizzle, } a lightning bolt zaps out of his arm and hits her. Orrie watches, } horrified, as little blue lines of energy explore her convulsing body, } before she collapses into an inanimate heap. } } *reaching reflexively for his staff* Right, that's enough. } } *With a sly grin* What are you reaching for, Orrie? } Your staff? *maniacal laugh* } } Enter Kendai with a bowl of freshly-made popcorn. } } Orrie, come on, you're missing -- oh man, Lisa's toast ... } *tilting head in an attempt to see more of Lisa's splayed legs* } bummer! } } Zot points again, and Kendai collapses on the floor next to Lisa, } scattering popcorn all over the room. Zot blows on his finger and } smiles evilly. } } OK, OK, I know where this is going ... you may as well just } give up now. } } Oh really. "Sir." *chuckling wryly* } } Yes, and if you don't mind, I think I'll just speed things up } a bit, or this response will get way out of hand. First, Og will peek } in and see that I'm in trouble. He will then go and get Thag, and the } two of them will run into the room, and rush you from opposite sides. } You will, however-- } } Enter Og and Thag, at lumbering Neanderthal speed. They run to } opposite ends of the room, then each run at Zot with their big, } spiky clubs. He steps to one side and looks on in amusement. } } -- sitestep them, and they will hit each other -- } } *CRUNCH!* } } -- over the head and both will collapse in a heap. } Meanwhile, Zadoc will come up with a plan to defeat you. Ah, here } he is now. } } Enter Zadoc on his knees, crunching through kernels of popcorn. } } Master, I cower before the might of your wisdom. I tremble in } awe of the eminent authority of the slightest corner of your knowledge. } I flee in anguish at the thought of comparing my miserable excuse } for an intellect to your brilliance, I-- } } But, I will not have the patience to listen to his grovel, } and I will shoo him away -- Not now, you lowly worm! -- and he will } shuffle off, not recognized by you as a threat. Meanwhile, Og-wa-- } } Enter Og-wa, accompanied by Zodoc, several lemurs, Joel Furr, the } personification of Eliza, Stephen Wright, and two oglings carrying } between them a tank containing a Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish. } } -- will enter, having raised a general alarm around } the palace and rounded up everyone she can think of to help. } } Why do we drive on parkways, yet park on drivew-- } } *ZOT* Stephen Wright collapses on top of Lisa and Kendai. } } You look troubled. Is somethi-- } } *ZOT* the personification of Eliza collapses on top of Stephen Wright. } } The oglings will attempt to throw the fish tank at you, } but it-- } } *CRASH!* } } -- will drop and shatter at their feet. This will } cause them, Zodoc and Joel Furr to slip rather comically, windmilling } their arms, and -- } } *AIIEEE* } } -- fall, lacerating themselves severely on the } shards. Og-wa, meanwhile, will grasp for the gasping Bright Red } Siamese Fighting Fish, but it will leap for her-- } } *AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!* } } -- nose. You will take advantage of this to-- } } *ZOT* } } -- zot them both. The lemurs, meanwhile, will } leap around the room unhindered, but you won't bother with them. } This sets the scene for the return of Zadoc, who has called for backup. } } Enter Zadoc on his knees, followed by Mulder and Scully, guns drawn. } } Freeze! } } FBI! } } You will find this amusing-- } } Zot laughs sardonically at the agents and their puny pistols. } } -- but while you are laughing, Scully will maneuver } behind me, and set Zadoc's plan in action. } } Scully reaches one hand toward the keyboard and quickly enters the } queue release control code, causing the entire Oracle queue to scroll } over the screen at once, flooding the room with w**dchuck questions. } } AIIIEE! Zot! ZoTZOt! ZotZOTzot! Zot! } } Zot shoots with both hands frantically in an effort to fight back the } onslaught, yet still they come. His Zots increase in frequency and } intensity until he explodes into a lightningball engulfing Zadoc, } Mulder, Scully and the lemurs, who all collapse to the floor. } Only the Oracle, watching benignly in his flowing robes, is unaffected. } } Finally, it is over, and the Oracle stands surrounded by the charred } remains of his former oracular regulars and the overpowering aroma } of ozone, burnt popcorn and singed hair. He glances at the clock. } } Dammit, it's 12:30. } } You owe the Oracle some air freshener and a videotape of Letterman. --- 1080-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Twas Zadoc in his slimy togs > did gaze and dribble at thy way > All matted were his borrowed robes > And moans were rife with pain > > Beware the Oracle My son, > That sharpened wit, the staff that zot! > Beware the Kendai man and shun > the Neolithic Og. > > He took his question in his hand > long time he waited in the queue > so rested he by a woodchucked tree > and stood awhile in view > > And while with grovelling thoughts he thought > A woman came with eyes aflame > came sashaying through the crowded lot > and Lisa was her name... > > What now oh Oracles of oracles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "It's you! It's you!" he cried with glee, } and ran to her with eager trot. } But naught he knew where Orrie stood-- } 'Till came the searing ZOT. } } "Oh - did I zot that unctuous Worm?" } the Or'cle said, with comic tact. } He sheathed his shaft, and with a laugh, } he teleported back. } } Twas Zadoc in his slimy togs } did gaze and dribble at thy way } All matted were his borrowed robes } And moans were rife with pain. --- 1080-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blast! It's the coppers! What are we going to do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yer leaves the torkin' ter yer uncle 'Arry, of corse. } } *ahem* Evenin', hofficer, nice weaver fer the time of year, innit? } Say 'ello ter the nice rozzer, fellers. Nah, wot canni do yer fer? } } 'Oo're we? Wotter question! I'm 'Arry, this 'ere's me partner, Syd, } an' this hexcitable gent 'ere's our old mucker from acrorss the briny, } Alberto "Mad Dog" Semprini. Nah, nah, put the cannon haway, Alberto, } we don' want nobody gettin' an 'eadache nah. Yer'll 'ave ter hexcuse } 'im, cornstable, 'e don't spikka di Eenglish too good - 'e's a Sherman, } yer see. Sherman, as in Sherman tank, as in Yank. That's it, yer got it } in one. They should make yer a sooperintendent, smart feller like you. } } Nah, I knows wot yer's finkin'. Yer's finkin' "Wot the ding dong bell } are these 'ere dodgy-lookin' spivs doin' dahn 'ere in the bank vault, } why is they 'oldin' sacks wiv dosh in, an' why is there a bleedin' } great 'ole inner wall behind them," incher? Well, it's like this. } We's soowage hinspectors, see? Take a sniff of old Syd if yer don't } believe me, 'e pongs fit ter stun a wart'og at five hunnerd paces. } } Yeh, we's soowage hinspectors, an' we was dahn the soowers catchin' } rats, wern't we? Wiv the bags, see? Why's it say "SWAG" on the } bags? That's our oonion, innit? Stands fer the Soowage Workers An' } Garbidgemen oonion. Wot's that, Syd? Yer don't fink 'e's buyin' it? } Corse 'e is! Put the gun haway, Alberto. } } Why's Alberto got a gun, hofficer? Like I toldyer, 'e's a Septic, inne? } Septic, as in septic tank, as in Yank. Try an' keep up, willyer? } Where 'e comes from, they's got halligators in the soowers, donney? } Yer gotter go armed, it stands ter reason! Them rats down 'ere is } pretty fierce too, yer know. Gnashers this long! 'Ave yer leg orff } as soon as say "Cor blimey, strike a light". Stop cryin', Syd. } } So yer see, it's the rats wot dug the 'ole in the wall, only we scared } 'em orff, gerrit? An' before we goes orff chasin' 'em again, we fought } we'd stick all the lolly in our bags so's if the rats cahms back an' } we wasn't 'ere, they couldn't eat it, see? Yer follerin' all this } are yer, son? Fer the love of Mikey, Alberto, will yer stop wavin' } that bleedin' shooter abaht! Yer even makin' me nervous. } } Nah, cornstable, if yer wants ter make yerself yooseful, can yer get } in the 'ole an' watch fer the rats till we finish baggin' the loot, } I mean, the readies. That's it, right in an' rahnd the Jack 'Orner. } Can yer see anyfink? No? Yer hamaze me. Maybe yer mince pies will } hacclimatise. } } Right, me old chinas. If yer's all done 'ere, we can leave by the } front door. Ah, the old bill, dontcher just love 'em? 'Ardly enorf } brains ter fill a fimble. Blow yer nose, Syd. --- 1080-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Out of memory. > We wish to hold the whole sky. > But we never will. > > Chaos reigns within. > Reflect, repent and reboot. > Order shall return. > > Yesterday it worked. > Today it is not working. > Windows is like that. > > Windows NT crashed. > I am the Blue Screen of Death. > No one hears your screams. > > A crash reduces > Your expensive computer > To a simple stone. > > Please give me a sign > Oracular insight please > that all is not lost. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jasmine scent on breeze } Winds crush a white night lily } The dark snake pauses. } } Blue will be over } Into blackness slips the glow } A cross sigh unheard. } } "Try some other os." } Chirps old cricket, forgetting } the time has passed by. } } Your fee is great now. } To the Oracle you owe } Six sows and a bull. --- 1080-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Jesus did, sir! I was hoppin' along, mindin' my own business, all of > a sudden up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper wit' a trade, > next minute all me livelihood's gone, not asmuch as to buy your leave! > "You're cured, mate!" Bloody do-gooder! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor ex-leper! It is always hard when the way in which one has always } made one's living suddenly becomes obsolete, or as in your case, when } disabilities make it impossible to make a livelihood. Still, all is } not lost. There are still plenty of loathsome conditions from which } you can suffer, for which people will be willing to give you } money. For a start, I can suggest the following: } } Lawyer } Pros: Bimmers galore. Nice clothes. A salary that is higher than } the gross domestic products of many small countries. } Cons: Lawyer jokes. Professional requirements to defend axe- } murderers and filth-eating, sheep-molesting sellers of drugs } to small children, and make it sound like you mean it. } Sometimes, lawyers suffer from vestigial consciousnesses. } } Congresscritter } Pros: Chauffeured limousines (built by BMW). Nice clothes. A } salary that is higher than the gross domestic products of } many small countries, augmented by unsolicited gifts from } people who stand to gain by your voting in some particular } way. The ability to vote yourself raises. } Cons: Congresscritter jokes (now, especially if you're a } Republican). Necessity of trekking out to your district and } actually dealing with voters every few years when you come } up for re-election. Necessity of dealing with other } congresscritters pretty much on a daily basis (unless you } can find a way to sneak a nap during debates). } } Microsoft programmer } Pros: Nice cars. Casual dress code. A nice salary, especially } since most other companies would throw you out on the street } for such blithering incompetence. } Cons: You have to work for Microsoft. Nuff said. } } Priest of The Oracle } Pros: } Cons: Woodchuck-hair shirt dress code. Daily flagellations. } Gruel for breakfast, lunch and dinner, followed by more } flagellations. Daily grovellings before The Oracle, with } yet more flagellations administered by Og and Zog. Job } requirements that include reading large numbers of would-be } Oraclarities (such as this one). } } Of the choices given, I would recommend the last. The other ones are } just _too_ gruesome. } } You owe The Oracle a shrubbery. One that looks nice. And not too } expensive. Now... go! --- 1080-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O sublime Oracle, you whose circuits illumine the world, who are > gracious and beneficent to thy humble suppliants, deign to tell me > the truth of this matter: > > In the struggle with Iraq, we have had "Desert Shield", "Desert Storm", > and "Desert Fox". Is there rhyme or reason to this name scheme? > And what will the next "Desert Thing" be named? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Upcoming operations against Iraq will be called "Desert Song", } "Desert Island", "Desert Spoon" and "On a Dark Desert Highway Cool } Wind in my Hair Warm Smell of Colitas Rising up through the Air" } (the commander-in-chief is an Eagles fan). } } Okay, okay, so I made those up. But there is a logic to the naming } conventions. The first part tells the troops (who, like all well } educated citizens of the US of A, are especially clueless when it } comes to geography) what part of the world they will be going to. } "Desert" suggests to them that, when packing their kit, sunglasses } would be a good idea, thermal underwear would not. "Arctic" would } hint at Bermuda shorts being probably surplus to requirements. } } The main drawback is that it's a bit of an advertisement of our } intentions to our enemies. "Desert" is pretty safe, seeing everybody } in this part of the world hates us to a greater or lesser extent. } So, when the operation's announced, they won't know whether we're } planning to attack Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, Somalia or Burkina Fasso } until it's too late. "Arctic", however, is a bit of a give-away. } Now the Russians are no longer our enemies, it blatantly signals an } imminent invasion of Canada. } } The other problem is that not all parts of the globe can be covered } by equally pithy soubriquets. "Jungle Shield" sounds pretty good, } but "Northern Maritime Temperate Zone Storm" doesn't really get the } juices flowing. } } The second part of the name indicates the degree of aggressiveness } of our response. Thus a "Shield" is passive and defensive, a "Storm" } quite active and violent (we skipped operations "Desert Minor Tantrum" } and "Desert Chinese Burn"). The "Desert Fox" was, of course, a film } starring James Mason as Erwin Rommel, who was one of the architects } of the Blitzkrieg style of warfare which, I'm sure you'll agree, is } more impressive than any old storm. } } So what's even faster and more destructive than a Blitzkrieg? That's } right, you guessed it. Our next assault on Saddam will be called } "Desert Michael Schumacher". } } You owe the Oracle something nice from the "Desert Trolley". --- 1080-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, an advance copy of the text of the book, "True Statements } by President Bill Clinton." } } Thanks supplicant. --- 1080-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greets, Oracle, grovel grovel and all that jazz, > > Isn't it true that you really don't know EVERYTHING? I mean, I've > witnessed you summarily zot genuinely serious supplicants, and in > the meanwhile, important questions about the volume and rate of > woodchuck lumber dispersal go unanswered. > > Curious. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } W..dchatta![0] Be gone, no more lies! You will die unhappy! } } [0]The Oracle's Greatest Personal Enemy } } W..dchatta was the son of King SupperisServed and } Spamita, an aunt of the Oracle. Unable to attain any } stage of Wisdom W..dchatta tried to destroy the Oracle. } } His first attempt to harm the Oracle was to hire a man to } kill the Blessed Orrie. That man would be killed by two } other men who would in turn be killed by four other men. } Finally the four men would be killed by eight other men. } This was known as The Cascading Death Plot, it failed } when it evolved into a discussion about puns involving } plays on the word "nothing". } } Then W..dchatta himself tried to baffle the Oracle. } W..dchatta hurled a huge batch of "What is Life?" questions } at the Oracle. The Oracle said, "A Cereal" and moved on. } } W..dchatta's third attempt to thwart the Blessed Orrie was to } make the fierce man-eater Lisa drunk via a liquor coupled with } Dickens' Cider. It was hoped the Lisa would sap the Oracle's } energy. This has yet to occur. } } Then W..dchatta requested the Oracle to make it compulsory for } priests to follow The Five Extra Rules: } } (i) Dwell all their lives in an .edu } (ii) Live only on beer and pizza and/or eels and chips } (iii) Live in towns decorated like heaps and cemeteries } (iv) Live at the foot of the pay scale } (v) Be inundated by oddly misspelled queries day and night } } W..dchatta made this request hoping that the horrors of such a } life would make the priesthood too harsh for humans to endure. } } Then W..dchatta bred the fell beasts known as w..dch..ks. } And he used them to torment The Oracle, and does so to this } day. --- 1080-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MY ACCOUNTS ARE ALL OUT OF BALANCE!!!!!!WHAT DO I DO NOW????I PAID FOR > TECH SUPPORT BUT IT DOESN"T HELP!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, unbalanced accounts. Quite a long history of those, really. } Some noteables: } } -The apocryphal account of the 1976 presidential debates in which } Carter is alledged to have exposed himself to the audience in exchange } for votes. } } -The rather unpleasant account of the signing of the Declaration of } independance which claims that Benjamin Franklin, when nobody was } looking, snuck afew extra words into the document: right after "He has } called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, } and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the } sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures," } Franklin is said to have scribbled "and so has your mother." } } -The account, which is actually rather pleasant, concerning the Battle } of Gettysburg, which reports that nobody was killed due to the sudden } release of a great deal of nitrous oxide onto the battlefield before } the first shot could be fired. } } My advice would be to consult an eyewitness, preferably a member } of the technical support profession. At least that way you'll get } something for your money. } } You owe the Oracle a revisionist textbook of American history. --- 1080-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Judas... must you betray me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jesus Christ! Do you have to say that each time I kiss you?