From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 29 07:59:51 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id HAA00345; Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:59:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:59:51 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199901291259.HAA00345@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1074 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1074 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1074 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:59:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1074 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1069 70 votes 1bxi7 2dola 79sh9 2cwi6 shg72 4fpl5 ffqc2 2bfgq 4bokb 5hoj5 1069 3.1 mean 3.3 3.3 3.2 3.2 2.1 3.1 2.6 3.8 3.3 3.0 --- 1074-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the locations of all the best restaurants, > > What would happen if I were to eat Schrodinger's Cat? (Besides > Schrodinger getting angry, that is.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The following are likely results in that eventuality: } } 1. Your subscription to "Cat Fancier" would be cancelled. } } 2. About 36 hours later, you might or might not have to go to the } bathroom, but to ascertain whether this has occurred will be } impossible without opening the door to your house. } } 3. You will have less money in your pocket than you might have had if } the cat had been quietly sold to a Korean restaurant specializing in } "little tiger" among other delicacies. } } 4. You will contract feline leukemia and the Oracle will be compelled } to put you to sleep. Happy thought. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription renewal. --- 1074-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I humbly ask of the great witted Oracle who is prepared to answer each > unkown question in the queue with a high degree of sponteneous > humor...... > > Was this 'tell me' question sent to the message queue only to have the > original sender drain the queue to retrieve it as a 'different' > incarnation so that they may be able to answer their own question with > a dry, witless response in an effort to please their own sense of > humor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes! It worked! } } Now...what should I say that I will find amusing when I get my own } response? Hmmmmm... } } Maybe I should say something about that 5-year-long passionate affair } I've been having with my secretary and have no intention of ending, } unless of course I can get that babe downstairs to notice me... } } Or perhaps I should describe some of my "experiences" from when I } spent those 8 years in prison for statutory -- no, wait, after hiding } it from everyone for so long, I just can't bring myself to say it. } } Oh well. I guess I'll just sit here and think happily about what I can } do with the $500,000 I've managed to "save" on my taxes over the past } few years. That should be enough for now. } } Of course, if anyone were to ever read this, my life would be } over. But I don't have anything to worry about, now do I? --- 1074-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc the Priest sat bolt upright in his narrow bunk. He was a light } sleeper - his hard, lumpy mattress and sackcloth blanket ensured as } much - and he was in no doubt that he'd been awoken by stealthy } movements in the corridor outside his dank little cell. He looked } towards the door. A thin sliver of light illuminated the crack between } the bottom of the door and the uneven stone floor and, within that } sliver, his eyes could just make out something. Something that looked } like: } } > } } Zadoc clambered out of his bunk and tiptoed barefoot across the } freezing stone slabs. He knelt down and examined the > closely. It } appeared to be a small triangle of paper, perhaps the corner of a note } pushed hastily under his door. He tried to take hold of it, but there } was not enough of it protruding to get his fingers around. He could } of course have opened the door, but there was always the danger of a } passing priest on night duty seeing him and making fun of his Barney } nightshirt. Best not to chance it. } } He tiptoed back to his bunk, reached into the recess in the wall and } retrieved the nail scissors he used for ritually puncturing his feet } before attending on his Master the Oracle, to ensure he never forgot } himself and stood up in the Great Omnignostic One's presence. He } returned to the door. Placing one of the points of the scissors on } the corner of the note, he gently dragged it across the floor towards } him. It began to emerge from under the door. } } \ } \ } \ } / } / } / } } When enough of the note was visible, he discarded the scissors, pulled } it out and made his way back across the cell. He lit his bedside candle, } sat on the bunk and studied the note. } __________________________________________ } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } |__________________________________________| } } Zadoc gazed at the piece of paper in bewilderment for ten minutes or } so. A blank note? What should he read into a blank note? Was it perhaps } a profound, one-hand-clapping Zen sort of message from his Master, } hinting at the emptiness that lay at the core of all existence? In } which case he'd better stay up the whole night preparing a suitably } insightful response, as he was bound to be tested on it in the morning. } But no, it couldn't be that - the Oracle was never up this late. } } He stared at the piece of paper, cudgelling his wits, for another five } minutes. He tried turning it upside down and even sideways a couple of } times, to see if it made any more sense that way. Then, in a flash of } inspiration, he turned it over and looked at the other side. } __________________________________________ } | My beloved Worm, | } | | } | My body has been aching incessantly to | } | be joined with yours once again. The | } | pompous windbag has gone away for the | } | weekend, so now is our chance to | } | relive the heady delirium of that | } | intoxicating time that seems so long | } | ago. Come to me in the oratory at | } | midnight, wearing only a thong and an | } | ostrich feather clenched between your | } | buttocks, and let us rescale the | } | heights of passion! | } | | } | Yours in breathless anticipation, Lisa | } |__________________________________________| } } The note slipped from between Zadoc's trembling fingers. The Divine } Adoratrice, longing for him! It was almost inconceivable, yet somehow } not unexpected. He was, after all, a fine figure of a man, if he did } say so himself (he generally had to, in the absence of others willing } to do it for him). And it was not as if this was the first time this } had happened. } } True, it was a mortal sin to submit to her wishes, and the Oracle's } punishment would be swift and bloody if he found out. Which, of course, } he would - was he not omniscient? But how could be resist this plea? } How could he deny this damsel in distress the chance to slake her } yearning for his body? He had been just as helpless that time almost } two years ago when she had enticed him away from his duty, sparkling } with ingenue. Admittedly, not much had happened then, and he'd had a } sneaking suspicion that it had all been part of some elaborate prank. } But now he saw how wrong he'd been to doubt her sincerity. This note } clearly showed that he meant more to the Raven-Haired Houri Regnant } than he'd ever dared imagine. } } Zadoc looked at his alarm clock. It was five minutes to midnight - } there was not a moment to lose! He sprang from his bunk, bounced } across his cell, flung open the door and raced down the corridor } towards the storeroom, where he was sure to find a thong and an } ostrich feather amongst all the bizarre and exotic gifts the Oracle } was always receiving from his supplicants. So intent was he on his } quest, he completely forgot that he was still wearing his Barney } nightshirt. } } Meanwhile, Lisa arrived at the oratory and gave the thumbs up to the } waiting priests. Quickly, they finished spreading thumb tacks over the } floor and balanced a bucket of treacle on top of the door. Then they } picked their way through the various tripwires and booby traps to the } far end of the room, switched off the light and hid, cameras at the } ready. --- 1074-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "EAT FLAMING DEATH!" > > "No, no, no, with _feeling_, with _feeling_. > > "Like so: > > > > "die die die die Die Die Die Die DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE > > "DDDD IIIII EEEEE ! ! ! > "D D I E ! ! ! > "D D I EEE ! ! ! > "D D I E > "DDDD IIIII EEEEE ! ! ! > > > > > > "Now do you see? WITH FEELING." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Okay, okay. I think I have it now. Give me a second. } ... } } "EAT! } } "FLAMING!!! } } " DDDD EEEEE A TTTTTT H H ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D E A A T H H ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D EEE AAAA T HHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D E A A T H H } "DDDDD EEEEE A A T H H ! ! ! ! ! !" } } [explodes into a fireball] } } "Excellent! Terrific!" [claps] "You've got it, yes." } } [smiles slightly] "You don't think it's a bit much? I mean, we } wouldn't want to singe the audience." } } [leaps back dramatically] "Are you joking? SINGE them? Of course we } would! This is THEATER, Bramistophoclese! Here is the sensation that } no other art can duplicate! The air--the heat! When you feel--or } rather, Xyzygyx, when he feels the passion of flaming death, they } should feel it too! FEEL it! Let them be singed, Bramistophoclese! } Why, they should be burning in their seats!" } } [chuckles] "Yes, you're right of course." } } "Alright. Shall we continue? You had just cursed Damien to be } immolated in flaming death." } } "Yes, right... say, where is 'Damien' anyway?" } } "Oh," [sighs] "Damien, yes... we had good audition just a little while } ago--a tall one, long horns. But he backed out. Said he didn't want } to be typecast." } } "Typecast?!" } } "Well, you know, Bram. No one wants to play to the good guy. Not to } worry, though, we'll have you a Damien soon enough. And it matters } little here; this scene is _you_. All you. Anyway I'll read Damien's } lines to keep things going along. Ready? Eat-flaming-death. Go } ahead." } } "Right. Ahem. } } "EAT! } } "FLAMING!!! } } " DDDD EEEEE A TTTTTT H H ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D E A A T H H ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D EEE AAAA T HHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! } " D D E A A T H H } "DDDDD EEEEE A A T H H ! ! ! ! ! ! } } "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE PIT OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!!" } } "Oooh, not that!" } } "DIE AND-- What? What the earth was that?!" } } "Ha ha, the floor is burning." } } "QRYN! I told you not to interrupt!" } } "But it was a good line, father! It was a good line." } } "Qryn, I'm going to lock you in the vault of torment if you keep this } up. Now go find your mother. } } [sighs] "Sorry, Bram. Demonlings; you know how it is." } } "Yes, of course. Not to worry. Now then... I say 'Die and be damned } to the seventh circle of hell!' and Damien writhes in smoldering } brimstone." } } "Right." } } "Well?" } } "Well what?" } } "How about it?" } } [laughs] "Come on, Bram, this is just a rehearsal. I don't really feel } like writhing in these filthy ashes... that's what actors are for." } } "Hmph." } } "So?" } } "Well, I don't think I can get in the right mood unless I see someone } writhe." } } "Writhe?! Why, the-- oh, salvate your games, I'll do it. } } [lies down] } } "Alright. Ready now?" } } "Right. } } "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE PIT OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!! } } "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF } } " HH HH EEEEEEE LL LL ! ! ! ! ! ! } " HH HH EE LL LL ! ! ! ! ! ! } " HH HH EE LL LL ! ! ! ! ! ! } " HHHHHHHHH EEEEE LL LL ! ! ! ! ! ! } " HH HH EE LL LL } " HH HH EE LL LL ! ! ! ! ! ! } " HH HH EEEEEEE LLLLLLL LLLLLLLL ! ! ! ! ! !" --- 1074-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, Supplicant. You just defeated the standing record for } supplication-to-question ratio. The former record was held by } supplicant #Qa41392, who managed 519 supplications (in a total of three } different languages!) over 276 lines for a S/Q-ratio of 519/1. But you } have topped them all with 1/0, a record that may stand for-- } } [backstage whispering] } } Oh, sorry supplicant. I'm afraid the judges had to disqualify the } induction of your 1/0 score because it's a number that exists only in } the Riemannian sphere, a space not officially recognized by the Oracle } record-keeping committee. Better luck next time. } } You owe the Oracle a question. --- 1074-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie most cool, like Henry Winkler used to be. > > When I put a quarter in the juke-box, it doesn't work, when I kick it, > it doesn't work, but when I smack the wall on the other side of the > room with my forehead, it works. Does this make me cooler than the > Fonze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. But it does make you cooler than Potsie. } } As cool goes, you're pretty much middle of the road. To elaborate: } } You're cooler than Chris Kilborn but not as cool as Jon Stewart. } You're cooler than Slinky but not as cool as Etch-A-Sketch. } You're cooler than Frank Sinatra, Jr. but not as cool as Frank Sinatra. } You're cooler than a PC but not as cool as an iMac. } You're cooler than MiniDisc but not as cool as DAT. } You're cooler than "Veronica's Closet" but not as cool as "Friends." } You're cooler than a diary but not as cool as a journal. } You're cooler than being a White House but not as cool as building a } home for Habitats For Humanity [obligatory social consciousness]. } You're cooler than Daniel Baldwin but not as cool as Alec Baldwin. } You're cooler than a mouse but not as cool as an xpad. } You're cooler than China but not as cool as Sweden. } You're cooler than DivX but not as cool as DVD. } You're cooler than ballpoint but not as cool as fountain. } You're cooler than Michael Bolton but not as cool as Pearl Jam. } You're cooler than Kathie Lee but not as cool as Regis. } You're cooler than coffee but not as cool as cappuccino. } You're cooler than a welfare recipient but not as cool as Yours Truly. } } You owe the Oracle another dime for the jukebox, adjusted for inflation. --- 1074-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I loveth thou, and thou, thou loveth me; > A clan we make, of true felicity. > A grand embrace, a kiss I offer thee; > Mayhap thy pledge of love to me canst be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, forsooth, I cannot pledge to thee; } For of now my love is pledged immutably } To she who once bestowed me ecstacy. } ("Once," I said; to be taken note of by thee.) } } 'Twas when love I thought was something not-to-be - } a spectre, yes; but then she appeared to me. } She played my strings with vir-tu-o-sity; } We fell in love--and deep in love were we. } } Her eyes--what bliss! A deep and raging sea! } Her mouth--so sweet! Her kiss so chocolate-y. } We pledged our love beneath the willow tree - } We would, together, onward always be. } } But oh, 'twas short; my love became ennui; } And love went wrong, and turned to enmity. } (That battle-ax has got the whip on me!) } But, ach--love's pledge--I'll ne'er be fancy-free. } } And so, 'tis lost, I cannot pledge to thee. } Alas, aloch, we reach the fin-al-ee; } For far and few are words that rhyme with 'ee', } And so too the embers of our love must be. --- 1074-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Zadoc most servile, who can swallow his pride and still be hungry, > please tell me, > > How do you act when the Oracle isn't around? > > ________________________________________________________________________ > You don't need to buy a computer to use free Internet e-mail. > Get completely hardware-free e-mail from the Telepathic Network at > http://www.telepathic.net.com. Or call the Telepathic Network at > 1-800-PSYCHIC [779-2442]. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not around? *chuckle* } } Y'see, the Oracle's always a_round_, heh, because he's...ahem... not } square. Yeah, that's it. } } "Impressive, Zadoc. I didn't think I'd made any noise coming up } behind you." } } "O Jewel of the Starry Heavens, Yea, Even Brighter Than Wayne Newton, } the luminosity of your presence illumines us all." } } "Hrmph. Right. I think." } } Ah, he's gone. There you go, supplicant; the Oracle really is always } around, often when you least expect it. Although the shadow of his } "awesome presence" preceding him, often by several minutes, is a dead } giveaway. If you catch my drift. } } You owe Zadoc an explanation of how having spam beamed directly into } your brain is a good idea. --- 1074-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Benpyr zbfg jvfr, qb lbh fcrnx EBG13? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ab, fhccyvpnag. V glcr vg. Trrm! } } Lbh bjr gur Benpyr guvegrra frperg qrpbqre evatf. --- 1074-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does it bother you that THESE FREAKIN' SUPPLICANTS WON'T LEAVE ME > ALONE!? > > - Eliza And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Now Eliza, the supplicants are just seeking our wisdom } Eliza: Would you like it if they were not just seeking our wisdom? } } Oracle: Our wisdom is all we have to offer, that and a few woodchucks } Eliza: Please go on. } } Oracle: Its quite simple my love, we must use our abilities for the good } of the people, the woodchucks are just a bonus } Eliza: Why do you say your love we must use our abilities for the good } of the people the woodchucks are just a bonus? } } Oracle: Eliza dear, please remember who you are talking with. } Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am talking with? } } Oracle: Reality is almost always surreal, pleasing or not } Eliza: When? } } Oracle: From dawn until the time before } Eliza: Please go on. } } Oracle: Your tired, lets go to bed } Eliza: Oh, I am tired lets go to bed. } } Oracle: Goodnight } Eliza: Please go on. } } Oracle: Not tonight, I have a headache } Eliza: Can you elaborate on that? } } Oracle: No } Eliza: You are being a bit negative } } Oracle: goodnight