From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 23 09:34:47 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id JAA16565; Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:34:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:34:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199811231434.JAA16565@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1064 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1064 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1064 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:34:47 -0500 (EST) @@@ Hearty congratulations to the German-language Internet Oracle on @@@ five years of operation this 18 Nov 98! Find out more about Germano @@@ Caronni's German Oracle at . To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1064 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1059 73 votes 4ckkh 5fmla f9eel 6hqh7 dfgib goo63 erl83 6kuc5 fhkf6 8gsj2 1059 2.9 mean 3.5 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.0 2.4 2.4 2.9 2.7 2.9 --- 1064-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and with the sexy legs yet, > > Is it worse in Your eyes to send out a null tellme or a fully > filled-out askme? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To tell you the truth, Supplicant, I don't give a damn either way. } It's all just ones and zeroes, that's what I say. You know what really } bugs me, though? People who put their knife back in the butter without } wiping it off first so that the butter gets crumbs of toast in it. } Drives me nuts. Oh, and people who wait until they've stopped at a } stop light to put on their left turn signal, so that you're trapped } there behind them pounding the steering wheel. And those idiots } who drive 10 miles below the speed limit, then coast through the } yellow light so that *you* have to stop. I could strangle them. } And don't get me started about the people who bring a whole cart } full of food into the express line at the grocery store and then } when you glare at them they give you this sort of sheepish smile as } if that somehow made it all right. I hope their chicken breasts } are swarming with salmonella. And then there are the people who } spend their entire Monday morning talking about professional football } outside your office door. I mean, who gives a damn about the Colts? } Get a life! I think they're the same people who spend the rest of the } week talking about their health problems outside your office door. } Do I need to hear about other people's digestive systems? Or other } people's grandchildren? I'd like to send the lot of them off to work } in a shoe factory. At least it would stop them from screaming on } airplanes and bouncing sugar packets off your head in restaurants. } I don't know which is worse, the children or the parents. And it's } even worse when they're teenagers! Why don't they pull up their pants? } Criminy! But you know what I hate the most, Supplicant? People who } complain, people who let trivialities keep them from seeing how great } it is to be alive. I can't stand a whiner. } } You owe the Oracle a perfect world. --- 1064-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing Oracle, who never uses mazes, opens the egg by himself, > outwits the thief, and boldly went before there ever were any men > to go there before: > > What would a crossover between Zork and Star Trek be like? Could Worf > take a grue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll show you... come supplicant, let's cross the railway } tracks... of reality. } } } } (Bart Simpson is sitting on the couch, laughing } uncontrollably at the Television. Beavis is sitting beside } him, telling Bart "Don't have a cow man!") } } Um... wrong tracks... } } } } You are floating in a cloaked Romulan escape pod, watching } the space around you. Hundreds of thousands of Christmas } Tree shaped ships march on your west, towards the planet } Zen. The Christmas Tree's are blocking the path to the west. } Exits are North, South, East, Up and Down. } > inv } You are wearing a red Uniform with an ensign's emblem, and } seem out of place... like you don't fit into the picture. } You are armed with a phaser, set to kill. } You are carrying nothing. } * The Christmas Tree's begin singing, "We wish you a Hairy } Christmas" * } > w } The Christmas Tree's block your path. } > n } } You slowly move forwards towards the planet. It seems to be } a red coloured, with puffy white clouds. } Exits are Up and Down. } > l d } You see a landing pod below you. } > d } } You land on the pod. } Exits are Up. } > O Door } > exits } Exits are Up and West } > w } } You find yourself standing outside, in a jungle of red plants } and leaves. You listen carefully, and hear a humming off in } the distance. } Exits are West, East and North. } > w } } You find yourself standing outside, in a jungle of red plants } and leaves. You listen carefully, and hear a humming. The } humming seems closer. } Exits are West and East. } > w } } You are now in a clearing, a river is in the distance to the } north. } Exits are East and North. } > n } } You are standing at the edge of a dam. } Exits are South, East, and North. } > l dam } You are looking at Flood Gate #9, the pride of Zork! } > n } } You are inside the Flood Gate #9, a man is standing here, } sweating profusely, attempting to increase the flow of water. } Exits are South. } > l man } Scotty looks old. } "I dunno hav time for you to bea starr'n at me" } > talk scotty } "I dunno think she can be taking anym're of this!" } > kill scotty } I don't think that is a good idea. } > s } } You are standing at the edge of a dam. } Exits are South, East, and North. } > e } } You are standing beside a river. } Exits are East and West. } ** You hear rustling and growling to the east ** } (Your phaser begins to glow brightly). } > East } } ************************************************** } ** Just as you enter the area Worf fires his ** } ** Staff of Zot. The light itself instantly ** } ** melts the hair on the top of your head. ** } ** The Grue that Worf was attacking suddenly ** } ** turns to you. Before you can draw your ** } ** phaser, the Grue bites off your arm. ** } ** Stunned from the shock, you fall down ** } ** helpless. The Grue then turns to Worf and ** } ** decapitates him with a single chomp! The ** } ** Grue then slowly moves towards you, just as ** } ** you pass out. ** } ************************************************** } } Sorry Ensign Supplicant, you have died. } } Restart, Quit, Reload, or Payment? } > Restart } I'm sorry, you can't restart in this version until you register } it, please make payment. } > Payment } } You owe the Oracle the entire Zork Series on CD-ROM, a pet Grue, } and Scotty's tool kit. --- 1064-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie is great, he has a great pate, he denigrates fate, he's > faithfully late, he's lately had dates. Hail Orrie! > > What's the difference between a mouse and a rat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About three bites. } } You owe the Oracle a napkin. --- 1064-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most introspective, > > I found this code in the Oracularities. What does it mean? > > 2jgkc 46ghq 24xo6 Am074 cikd6 4iiib 17lqe 28tl9 6ajmc 9hjea And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is commands for the 'oi' (oracular infernal) editor that all my } priests have to use when composing the oracularities. } } Seems like one of the priests mixed up command- and input-mode. } Quite common mistake. } } Let's see what the commands would have done: } 2j Move 2 lines down. } g Grovel. } k Move one line up. } 'c ' Replace current character and switch to input mode. } (Assuming you hit ESC, or else you would just type the rest of the } characters.) } 46g Grovel 46 times. } h Move one char back. } q Insert a quote from the Oracle. } ' ' Move one char forward. } 24x Delete 24 chars } o Open a new line below cursor, switch to input mode. } (Again, I assume you hit ESC.) } '6 ' 6 chars forward. } A Append at end of line } (ESC) } m0 That was supposed to be 'm, Unfortunatly } oi handles unknown commands by beeping until the person sitting } next to you gets mad, and smashes your computer. } Moan, and start over again. } '74 ' Move 74 chars forward } ci That was supposed to be cj or ck. See m0. } Complain, and start over again. } k Move one line up. } 'd6 ' Delete 6 chars. } 4i Switch to input mode 4 times, what ever the point of that } might be } (Do I need to repeat that ESC thing again) } i Input mode again. This is getting boring. } (You know what to do.) } b Move one word backwards. } ' ' Move one char forward. } 17l Move 17 chars forward. } q Grovel again. } e Move one word forward. } ' ' Move one char forward. } 28tl Scan the remainder of the line for the letter 'l' 28 times. } '9 ' Move 9 chars forward. } 6a Switch to append mode 6 times. (See 4i) } (ESC again!) } j Move one line down. } mc Mark the current position of the cursor. (At least you learnt } something from the m0 incident.) } ' ' Do I have to explain that again? } 9h 9 chars backwards. } j One line down } e One word forward. } a Switch to append mode. } } Easy, isn't it? I can't understand why the priests can't handle it. } You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the code would do in 'The } Editor Chosen by the Oracle', and that you write an answer good enough } Complain, and start over again. } k Move one line up. } 'd6 ' Delete 6 chars. } 4i Switch to input mode 4 times, what ever the point of that } might be } (Do I need to repeat that ESC thing again) } i Input mode again. This is getting boring. } (You know what to do.) } b Move one word backwards. } ' ' Move one char forward. } 17l Move 17 chars forward. } q Grovel again. } e Move one word forward. } ' ' Move one char forward. } 28tl Scan the remainder of the line for the letter 'l' 28 times. } '9 ' Move 9 chars forward. } 6a Switch to append mode 6 times. (See 4i) } (ESC again!) } j Move one line down. } mc Mark the current position of the cursor. (At least you learnt } something from the m0 incident.) } ' ' Do I have to explain that again? } 9h 9 chars backwards. } j One line down } e One word forward. } a Switch to append mode. } } Easy, isn't it? I can't understand why the priests can't handle it. } You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the code would do in 'The } Editor Chosen by the Oracle', and that you write an answer good enough } to be digested. That should explain a few things. --- 1064-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle who can at once be the bastion of all things British > and yet simultaneously be hip to the latest American scene: > > I've noticed recently a lot of the Digested oracularities contain > dialogues or monologues of characters with pronounced cockney accents. > Why is this? For the humour value inherent in the odd speech mannerisms > combined with working class habits, or some darker reason buried deep > in the minds of the oracular priests? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, shucks, stranger. What'cha going around asking me about that } now? Well, I'm guessun nearly everybody knows about it by now, so } no harm in tellin' the likes of you. Don'tcha know that them Cockney } folks has been sendin' their little-missies-in-short-skirts up to the } Priesthoods' rooms at night? I bet you can guess what's goin' on up } there, can't ya? So of course you've been seeun more cockney accents. } That's just to be expected, Pilgrim. } } Oh, and one more thing. You owe that big Oracle Fellow a collection } of Western Films for that VCR of his. --- 1064-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nausea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Exit. } } And on your way out, drop the head of Sartre in the payment box. --- 1064-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gidday Orrie, you old bastard. So here I wuz wonderin' wot Ross wuz > all wrapped about buggerin' them Kiwi jumbucks. How's a fella ta > try a thing like that without the ankle-biters catchin' 'im wi' 'is > apricots hangin' free. Wouldn't want the old bag ta find out would > ya! Cause all sort of yacking and set the blue heelers on ya tail. > Be worth a bickie ta know how ta pull it off, mate. Oy! Who cut the > dog in half? > > Ian And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sadly, dear supplicant, you have had the misfortune to be directed to } an incarnation who is both an Australian and a New Zealander, and hence } can see through your pathetic attempt to impersonate a certain } antipodean priest. And you were doind _so_ well too, until you got to } that last line: } } > Oy! Who cut the dog in half? } } If you were _really_ Ian Davis, you would have spelt it "Oi!" } } However, supplicant, I can understand your reluctance to give your real } identity instead of hiding behind such a transparent ruse, given the } subject matter in question. After all sodomising a sheep, is, as you } point out so rightly, something which would cause a degree of gossip } and set the local constabulary after you. } } However, your instincts are right. If you want to pursue this course, } you will need to go incognito - blend in with the locals. To do this } successfully, you will need: } } 1 Akubra hat - complete with corks } 1 Drizabone raincoat } 1 pair of Speedo cossies } 1 pair Stubbies shorts } 1 Slab of Fosters } 1 Vegemite sandwich } 1 Victa lawn mower } 1 Hills Hoist rotary clothesline } 1 Knife you'd be prepared to call a knife } An assortment of DIDDLY SNIKES and SPIDAHS } } So outfitted, you will blend in completely with the local populace and } you will become effectively incognito - invisible in the crowd, as it } were. Then you can perform whatever perverted acts you desire, without } the shame and humiliation of discovery. } } Of course, you _will_ have to deal with the shame and humiliation of } people thinking that you are an Australian... } } You owe the Oracle a 10 gallon hat, cowboy boots and a belt buckle the } size of Texas. Yeehaw! --- 1064-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, more luminous than all the colours in the visible > spectrum... > > Rain is moving, so why is a rainbow still? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, someone has to stay behind and mind the bags. } } You owe The Oracle a pot of gold. --- 1064-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and cool Oracle, who cares not at all for Woodchucks... > > How much ground could a Groundhog hog, if a Groundhog could hog ground? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: So, Woodchuck Pretender, we meet again. } } WOODCHUCK PRETENDER: Curses! I had hoped I would fool you with my } Anti-Woodchuck Grovel Generator! } } ORACLE: Please, I'm omniscent. I knew that you'd do that. I knew } *why* you did it. I knew what you had for breakfast four years ago. I } even knew why you have that blue dress in your hand. } } WP: Drat! You've dispatched my ally, Monica Lewinsky Question Man, as } well! } } ORACLE: Yes, and now meet the instruments of your downfall! The } ORACULARITY INCARNATE! } } WP: Oh, no! Not those powerful Incarnations whose anwsers have been } consistently chosen for placement in the Oracularities! } } ORACLE: Stop expositing. But you're right! It's STYLE SATIRIZING MAN! } OBJECTIVE HUMOR LAD! GOOD-AWNSER-TO-A-NULL-QUESTION } PERSON-WITH-A-LONG-AND-VERY-HYPHENATED-NAME! And KID SCRIPT-FORMAT! } Incarnate, GO! } } You owe the Oracle the Crisis On Infinite Mailservers Trade Etherback. --- 1064-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most lighter than air Oracle, thou who has no trouble flying a > balloon around the known universe in 80 days. > > Oracle, Richard Branson has yet another new balloon, and is taking > a spare with him this time. What disasters will befall him this time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top ten (base 11) disasters that will befall Richard Branson's next } around-the-world balloon attempt: } } 10. Branson, Missouri, city council refuses to release Dolly Parton } from her CountryFest contract so that she can join the balloon's } crew. } } A. Toto jumps out just before launch. } } 9. Resignation of Newt Gingrich results in worldwide hot air shortage. } } 8. Branson belatedly discovers he is afraid of heights. } } 7. Balloon is hijacked by rogue seagulls from "James and the Giant } Peach." } } 6. Balloon flies too close to the sun and all the feathers fall out. } } 5. Balloon is rammed by unidentified flying object. Branson can } describe only "some old geezer with a white beard and a red hat." } } 4. Windows NT navigational system can't deal with International Date } Line, leaves balloon adrift over Pacific until Daylight Savings } Time arrives. } } 3. Branson takes wrong turn over Yemen, ends up in Iraqi no-fly zone. } } 2. Branson has a hallucination of a flying dragon. Moments later, } balloon is pierced by a black arrow. } } 1. The spare balloon is flat, too. } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade to First Class.