From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 14 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id AAA16896; Sat, 14 Nov 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199811140510.AAA16896@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1062 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1062 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1062 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1062 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1057 69 votes 2jgkc 46ghq 24xo6 Am074 cikd6 4iiib 17lqe 28tl9 6ajmc 9hjea 1057 3.2 mean 3.3 3.8 3.4 1.9 2.8 3.2 3.7 3.4 3.3 3.0 --- 1062-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderfully wise Oracle, who knows of all things great > and small: > > I've been told that my cat brings the dead, beheaded carcasses of > its prey to my doorstep as an offering and a sign of submission. > I was wondering.... Would this technique work with my boss? Do you > think he would give me a raise if I left the decapitated body of one > of my subordinates at his office door? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, does it work for your cat? } } You owe the Oracle someone to clean up the mess. --- 1062-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [theme music plays] > > Alex: Welcome back to Jeopardy. Let's meet our contestants. > > First, our reigning champion with a record of 192 weeks, the omniscient > Internet Oracle! > > [applause and cheers; Oracle gives a dignified nod] > > Next, we have Juno Q. Drainer. It says here, that you enjoy AOL, > free email accounts, and generally annoying all those you come in > contact with. Is that correct? > > JQD: YAH! AOL RULZ DOOD! [audience boos and hisses] U PEEPEL > SUCK! > > Alex: Ok... and finally, we have Null Supplicant. It seems that you > and Mr. Drainer have a common interest in annoying people. How did > you come by this unusual hobby? > > NS: > > > [audience is silent; crickets chirp in background] > > Alex: Interesting... Let's begin shall we? The categories are: The > Meaning of Life, Greek Definitions, Woodchucks, "RHOD" Island, > Canadian Culture [audience laughs], The History of Belize, and > finally, Famous Grovels. Oracle, you have control of the board. > Please select a category.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: I'll take Meaning of Life for $100. } } Alex: The Answer, of course, is 42. } } Oracle: The Ultimate Question cannot exist simultaneously in the same } universe as The Answer. If I respond, the entire Universe, } including everyone in this room, will be instantly replaced by } something even more bizarre and inexplicable... } } Alex: No, the correct response was "How many roads must a man walk } down?" Juno, you have control of the board. } } Juno: 1LL TAK3 W00DCHUCKS F0R $1,000,000,000,000, D00D!!!!!!!!! } } Alex: Sorry, the maximum on the board is $500. } } Juno: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!! } } Alex: For $500, we have the answer "50 cords." } } Juno: H0W MUCH W00D WO0LD A W00DCHUK CHUC 1F A W00DCHUC C0U1D CHUK } W00D?!?!?!???!?!?!?!!!!!!! } } Oracle: /\/\/\<>/\/\/\ } } Alex: Oracle, no zotting of the other contestants is allowed! You are } now excluded from the rest of this round. Juno, you still have } control of the board. } } Juno: [Immediately recovers from the ZOT, like any _real_ queue } drainer] D00D, FAMUS GR0VEL$ F0R $500!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } Alex: This grovel is perhaps the most common among new supplicants of } the Oracle. } } Null Supplicant: > } } Alex: That wasn't phrased as a question, but we'll accept it. You now } have control of the bo- } } } Wait! Wait! Wait a second! I see what you're doing. You're "fishing," } aren't you? You wanted an exchange just like the one above, didn't } you? Well, you're just going to have to imagine the rest, because the } Oracle is _not_ a fish. } } Would you like to guess what I do to people who treat me like a member } of the class _Pisces_? Well, until recently, I simply threw them into } the woodchuck pits. But as of today, there is a new punishment, a new } _ULTIMATE_ punishment. No, I don't mean Hell. This will make spending } eternity in pit of lava look like a walk in the park. And no, it's not } the Spice Girls either. As hard as it is believe, this is even _worse_ } than listening to that godawful "music." You're going to have to listen } to... } } [drum roll] } } MONICA LEWINKSY JOKES } --------------------- } } Yes, it is the ULTIMATE form of torture. Far worse than anything known } to man, it -- Wait, I'll stop sounding like a soundtrack from a bad } horror movie, and just show you what happened to the last supplicant } who received this treatment... } ----- } } [Scene: A large, nearly empty movie theater. In the front row there } sits a supplicant strapped into one of the seats, with his head } locked a position facing the screen. His eyelids are taped open, so } he has no choice but to watch the horror onscreen. (Picture that } scene from _A Clockwork Orange_, will you?)] } } [The picture and sound turn on. The supplicant does not yet know what } is about to hit him. Onscreen, we see a stand-up comedian, in the middle } of his routine.] } } "... say did you hear that a recent poll showed that only 58% of women } like oral sex. You know, I have two words to say to the scientists who } conducted this study: Monica Lewinsky." } } [The supplicant correctly fails to find any humor inherent in this } statement, but so far is only slightly annoyed.] } } "Oh, and they also found a 70% Presidential approval rating among } women. Are you surprised by that? I am, I mean, I thought he 'got } around' more than that, didn't you?" } } [The supplicant begins to try to squirm in his seat, but he is firmly } strapped down.] } } "Which reminds me, Monica Lewinsky finally got a good job. Kind of a } reversal this time, wasn't it?" } } [The supplicant is starting to get frantic now. He begins making a faint } moaning noise.] } } "I wonder what kind of job she got? Probably one for a vacuum cleaner } company, if you know what I mean" } } SUPPLICANT: Aaaaaaaah! Let me outa here! } } "Oh, and did you notice that the President was a few minutes late to } that recent fundraising event. Must've been with an intern." } } SUPPLICANT: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE } MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE PLEASE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! } } "Did you know cigar sales have doubled recently? In fact, there is a now } a new brand on the market: The Monica Lewincigar" } } SUPPLICANT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! } HELP! HELP! NO! NO! NO! NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE } IT! OH GOD PLEASE LEMMEOUTAHERE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE } LEMMEOUTAHERE OH GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! } AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! } } [The Supplicant suddenly falls silent. The picture and sound turn } off, and everyone else in the room removes their hearing } protection. The straps are removed from the supplicant, but he } makes no attempt to flee. Looking at him closely, it becomes clear } that he undergone a spontaneous frontal lobotomy.] } ----- } } You know, on second thought, this is much too cruel a punishment for } your crime. I'll use a kinder, gentler method of lobotomy. Such as } a sharp spike. } } You owe the Oracle a vacant stare. --- 1062-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most etemological, > > In some of the Oracularities I've noticed that you use the word HOI > to summon Zadoc. What exactly does that mean? Is it an acronym? If > so, what does it stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keen eye supplicant and you are correct HOI is an acronym for Hold } Order of Ice since Zadoc would otherwise bring a large block ice } with him. Zadoc's a bit strange that way, he travels with a large } block of ice and a bag of popcorn. I don't mind the popcorn but } the ice makes a mess of the place. But if I'm in a bad mood I'll } do a *HOI* *HOP* Zadoc and just get the Zadoc without any side } dishes. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of fresh popcorn since you got me } thinking about food... --- 1062-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh,greatandwiseOracle,whocandecodeanythingtheNSAcanthrowathim.Itseems > somebodyisstealingmywhitespacecharacters.Canyoupleasehelp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I' m sorry. } It was actually me } t h a t } was taking all of your whitespac e } c h aracters. } } You see, I'm p r a c t i c i n g on my free verse } poetry , } and conse } quently I } need more } white } space } than I am allotted. } } so I've taken to stealing it from my supplica n t s } } I deeply, from the bottom of my omiscient } heart, } } aplologize. } } } you } owe } the } ora } cle } not } hin } g-- } I've } alre } adyT } aken } From } YouEv } eryth } ing I } need. --- 1062-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you know that if people were 100% graphite reinforced titanium > steel, they'd be completely immune to gunfire, but they wouldn't be > able to swim at all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and if people were made out of bread and peanut butter, if you } toasted them they'd make a nice snack! } } And if people were made out of lead, they'd sink when you dropped } them in the water, and you could make bullets out of them! } } And if people were made out of electricity, they could travel over } power lines, but it would be hard for them to pick anything up! } } And if people were made out of cat fur, then some people would be } violently allergic to themselves, and everyone would shed all over } the place! } } And if people were made out of silicone gel, they'd be kinda squishy! } } And if we had some pork, we could make pork 'n beans, if we had } some beans. } } You owe the Oracle some pork 'n beans. --- 1062-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who can save us now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nobody, you pathetic rebel scum. Nobody. } } My chandeliers are hung three feet from the ceiling. My air ducts are } two inches square. My henchmen can shoot straight and wear open-face } helmets. My Doomsday Machine has no off switch, red digital timer } or gimbal mounts to allow it to be aimed at me. I raised the Grorn } Beast from a pup myself, and it would sooner die than attack me if } released from its cage. I'd quite like to boink your girlfriend there, } but I'm not dumb enough to try it. And every martini in the country } is poisoned. } } Nothing can stop me now! } } Oh, bugger. I went and said "nothing can stop me now". That means } any minute now some musclebound moron with a sword's going to- } } Ouch. --- 1062-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most groovy Oracle, who is so far out that you're back where you > started from, > > What is the derivation of "zoinks"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple. } } d } -- (zoinks) = zoink } ds } } You owe the Oracle a calculus textbook. --- 1062-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 04:07:43 EST } From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } To: harold.sleestack@cockneyrebel.co.uk } Subject: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to this } question. } } Dear Harry } } I just got forwarded the following question from an incarnation who is } not well up on UK politics: } } > Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes? } } As you have on occasions in the past been able to help our Supreme and } Mindbogglingly Clever if at Times Somewhat Irascible Master out in } European matters, perhaps you could supply the necessary information to } form the basis of an answer? } } Thanks very much, } } Zadoc } Oracular Priest and Worm } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 06:13:22 EST } From: sydney.endochrine@cockneyrebel.co.uk } To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } Subject: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to } this question. } } Mornin', yer worshipful 'oly, erm, wot the ding dong bell do they calls } priests anyway? Blimey, wot time do they makes yer get up in the } ah-emmer over there? Bleedin' liberty, if yer wants my lump of hice. } } 'Arry ain't 'ere ter 'elp yer at the mo. 'E was dahn the market first } fing, movin' some dodgy videer games wot fell orff the back of a lorry. } Fing is, Sunglarsses Jim wos a bit 'issed orff, bein' as it was 'is } lorry an' all, so 'Arry's 'avin' a bit of an 'oliday on the National } 'Ealth, inne? } } But I finks I can 'elp yer wiv yer querstion. That surpplicant of yers, } 'e donno nuffink. It ain't "Alliernce an' Labour", it's "Alliernce an' } Leicester", innit? An' they's a buildin' socierty, so they don't do } taxes, they do mortgages, donney? } } Me, I'm wiv the Co-op, meself. 'Arry's wiv a fridge freezer name of } Phil the Greek dahn the 'ousing hestate. Yer knows old 'Arry - never } get nuffink dahn the 'Igh Street if yer can gets it dahn 'Ooky Street, } that's 'Arry. } } 'T' (that stands fer 'Ope This 'Elps, dunnit?) } } Wotcher, } } Syd } } PS, any charnce of doggetsing a Lady Godiver orff yer? } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 06:28:17 EST } From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } To: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk } Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer } to this question. } } Dave } } Help! } } I have to help an incarnation with a British culture answer before } 08:57:58 EST. My UK contact has sent me the attached email, but I can't } make head nor tail of it! Lumps of hice? Fridge freezers? What does it } all mean? Please provide a English translation. } } "Doggetsing a Lady Godiver" isn't something obscene, is it? } } Miserably, } } Zadoc } Oracular Priest and Worm } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:21:57 EST } From: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk } To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } Cc: oracle@internet-oracle.org } Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an } answer to this question. } } Zadoc } } Can't help you, old son. As I recall, the Alliance and Leicester went } public and floated on the stock market, so technically they're now a } bank, not a building society. I think they also merged with the Halifax } - or was it the Norwich? Anyway, banks aren't involved in taxation over } here either. Are you sure you haven't garbled the original question? } } As for "doggetsing a Lady Godiver", Lady Godiva was famous for riding } around in the nude, wasn't she? So it might well be obscene, and I'd } advise you not to use it. } } Try Ross Clement. He lives in the capital - he might have a handle on } this twisted argot. } } Dave Hemming } Oracular Priest in Allyourclothes } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:21:59 EST } From: oracle@internet-oracle.org } To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an } answer to this question. } } ZADOC, YOU BLITHERING MORON! THERE IS NO ALLIANCE PARTY IN UK POLITICS, } SO IT'S NOT A BRITISH QUESTION, IS IT, YOU WRETCHED PISMIRE, PRODUCT OF } AN ALMOST ENDLESS LINE OF WRETCHED PISMIRES? ANY MOLECULE BRAINED } RETARD CAN SEE THAT! } } NOW GIVE THE INCARNATION AN ANSWER TO THE STUPID QUESTION BEFORE I COME } OVER THERE, RAM THE STAFF OF ZOT UP YOUR BACKSIDE AND TWIZZLE IT } AROUND VIGOROUSLY, DOING STRANGE AND INTERESTING THINGS TO YOUR } INTERNAL ORGANS IN THE PROCESS! } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:25:03 EST } From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } To: davis@wehi.edu.au } Subject: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to this } question. } } Ian } } I recently got the following question from an incarnation who is not } well up on Australian politics: } } > Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes? } } Could you provide background information? Time is short, so please, } please, please write in English. } } Panic-strickenly, } } Zadoc } Oracular Priest and Worm } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 10:12:46 EST } From: DAVIS@wehi.edu.au } To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org } Subject: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to } this question. } } Zadoc, ya old bastard! Strewf, the old ratbag givin' ya aggro again, } izze? 'E's always throwin' wobblies at ya, ya know why? Ya're a couple } of mystery bags short of a barbie, cobber, that's ya problem. Ya should } get off them knees an' plant ya Doc Martens in 'is love spuds for a } change! That should make 'im spit the dummy. } } As for ya question - what is this, Bush week? There's no "Alliance an' } Labor" dahn 'ere in Godzone. Only silly party we got is that 'Anson } sheila's One Nation mob. Bunch of Fascist wowsers - Jeez, they make me } want ta chock a brown dog! But they're not for putting up taxes, } they're for putting dahn Abos. Reckon somebody's bulldusting ya, ya raw } prawn! } } Anyway, I gotta be off like a bride's nightie now. There's a slab } waiting in the esky, an' my throat's drier than a dead dingo's donger. } } G'day, ya silly old drongo } } Darkmage } Antipodean Oracular God Cove --- 1062-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who has more Theta waves that Mr. Van Winkle > himself. > > At 2:30 pm EST I fall asleep at my desk. Every day. What can I do > about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } The answer to your quandry is quite simple, really. At exactly } 2:29:30 PM EST (times may vary dependent on the supplicant's respective } ability to perform the following tasks efficiently) each day please } perform the following steps: } } 1} Stand up. } 1.A} If already standing, skip to step 2. } } 2} Move to your neighbor's desk. } 2.A} If working at home, move to the nearest table and skip } to step four (4). } 2.A.i} If you do not own a table, break into a } neighbor's home and borrow theirs. } (Don't forget to borrow a chair, as well.) ** } } 3} Remove your neighbor. } 3.A} If said neighbor does not move willingly, force may be } applied as necessary. ** } 3.B} Where said neighbor is placed after removal is left } to supplicant's discretion. } 3.B.i} Oracle advises gentle placement of said } neighbor for future, congenial interactions } in the workplace. } } 4} Sit at neighbor's desk. } 4.A} If working at home, sit at the table mentioned in } step two (2). } } 5} Place head gently upon neighbor's desk. } 5.A} If working at home, place head gently on the table } mentioned in step two (2). } 5.B} A pillow or other comforting object may be used as } a mediating device. } } Solution: At exactly 2:30:00 PM EST you will fall asleep. At someone } else's desk. Problem solved. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Breathe-Easy(tm) strips to cure snoring, } and a new mattress. } } ** The Oracle accepts no responsibility for any criminal charges filed } in response to the performance of an Oracular emission. --- 1062-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Supplicant Auto-Question Generator, v1.03 Beta > Runtime Error #7347, Divide by Zero error in Void WoodChuck_Question() And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rodent orientated programs are always easy to fix. You just need to } download the cabbage patch. } } You owe The Oracle a really reaaaaalllllyyyy big groan.