From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 12 09:00:38 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id JAA26036; Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:00:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:00:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199811121400.JAA26036@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1061 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1061 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1061 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:00:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1061 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1056 68 votes 6jnf5 3cpo4 4jrg2 bqjb1 36hwa 29mq9 79wi2 57alp 3jqh3 43alu 1056 3.2 mean 2.9 3.2 2.9 2.5 3.6 3.5 3.0 3.8 3.0 4.0 --- 1061-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cabbages or cauliflowers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a tough call, supplicant. Let's check in with the sports desk, } and see what they have to say. } } "Welcome back to Monday Night Salad, everybody. John Madden has the } Keys to Today's Dressing. John, what do you have for us?" } } "Well, what we've got here is two good offensive teams facing off } against each other. The Cauliflower secondary is notoriously tender, } and the Cabbages should be able to slice open the line and run the } ball up the middle all day with no problem. On the other hand, the } Cauliflowers have a really strong front end, which should give their } quarterback all the time in the world to find the open man. The } Cauliflowers' receivers should have an easy time shredding the Cabbage } defense and getting open. It's going to be a real shootout. } Cauliflowers 45, Cabbages 42." } } Well, supplicant, there you have it. Cauliflower wins by a field } goal. --- 1061-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TIME TO DIE, MR. ORACLE!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your watch is fast. --- 1061-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is queue-drainer bait. > > If you are not a queue drainer, just throw this question back where > it came from. > > Thank you for your help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, but I'm not in season right at this very minute. } } You owe The Oracle some more tellmes. --- 1061-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (No. And that's my final word.) > > Uh, Orrie, yeah. Hi. It's me, Thor. > > I know I agreed to allow Zadoc to stay here once a month, but, well, > I'm second guessing myself right now. You see, Zadoc is more of a > problem to deal with then I thought he would be. > > (Stop that! I'd like to be alive after Zeus comes over.) > > I knew about his incessant groveling; I figured I could handle that. > I knew about the problems of putting him around women; I figured I > would just lock him in the closet while Eris, or some mortal wench, > was here. But I didn't count on his stupidity. He just keeps on > doing stuff that offends everybody. For example, just now - > > (I SAID STOP THAT! OR I'LL BE FORCED TO USE MJOLLNIR ON YOU!) > > Ahem. As I was saying, he does stuff that offends everybody. > For example, licking feet. Now, that might be all well and good at the > Oracle temple, but among the more barbaric gods, as well as many of > the civilized ones, it doesn't go over all that well. And the phone > bills are getting rather large, as he keeps calling his brothers at > all hours. > > Anyway, what I called to ask was, when are you going to be done > defuming your temple? I'd like to get Zadoc off of my hands and out > of my house soon. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, now, just because little Zaddy puts his foot in his mouth once in } a while, doesn't mean you have to characterise it so coarsely. He's } simply trying to recreate some of the sensations he experienced during } his brief elopement with Lisa a while back. } } As to the other issues raised in your letter. . .well, it's nice to see } that you're doing your part to preserve the Scandinavians' reputation } for affable emptyheadedness. I mean, really -- you *believed* him when } he told you that he had nine brothers working at Mischa's House of Hot } and Heavy Phone Phantasies? (You also believed him, I noticed, when he } said that he and Sif had just been playing Battleship when they were } discovered naked together under Bifrost. Can we say "living in } denial"?) And more to the point, you *believed* me when I said that I'd } take him back in a month? Ha. } } Have fun with your new little pet. Maybe you can get him in a myth or } two someday. } Oracle } } P.S. Could you babysit Kendai and Darkmage next month? The plumbing } in one wing the Temple is going to be redone, and we don't really } have enough bathroom space for everybody. --- 1061-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My respect for the Oracle's wisdom is exceeded only by my regard for > her wit which is only eclipsed by the esteem I have for her knowledge; > What are ten things every human living in the nineties should know > how to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To get ahead in the nineties, you need to know how to: } } 1. Assign blame } } "When I placed the cup of coffee between my knees and drove } rapidly away from the drive-through window, it was your fault that I } scalded my thighs, because the coffee was too hot." } } 2. Be literal minded } } "The instructions for the microwave didn't say that I *shouldn't* dry } my dog in it." } } 3. Self-heal } } "Those doctors with their fancy machines and complicated tests don't } know what they are doing. Just a moment while I wave this crystal over } my tumour." } } 4. Avoid responsibility } } "I'm sorry I raped you, but it was my father's fault for beating me." } } 5. Boast about personal stupidity } } "I can't even program the VCR!" } } 6. Seek reparations } } "I'm suing you for damages because when you restarted my heart after } the car accident, you broke two of my ribs." } } 7. Say nothing with many words } } "Can we all agree on a strategy for moving forward in accordance with } the Mission Statement?" } } 8. Assert personal freedom } } "I should be allowed to drink and drive if I want to. Hand me another } beer, son." } } 9. Count } } "The supplicant wants ten things, you idiot." } } You owe the Oracle a Work Ethic, an elementary arithmetic book, and } some Common Sense. --- 1061-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a test of the emergency screaming system. This is only a test. > > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH > HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH > HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > This was a test of the emergency screaming system. This was only a > test. Had this been a real emergency, the screaming you just heard > would have been followed by more like it. This concludes this test of > the emergency screaming system. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle removed his headphones and set them gingerly on the counter. } Everything was in place for THE PLAN. It was a maxim as old as Olympus: } be careful what you ask for...you may get it. } He hesitated a moment...his finger poised above the button...there was } no going back once it was pressed. But there was a hope of a new } tomorrow, a new internet, purged of the clueless and the inane. } With a soft *click* the transmissions began. Each user recieving his } just desserts: pictures of Monica and Bill, N00D GIFS of Martha } Stewart, lengthy and hopelessly involved calculations involving wood } density ratios and w**dc**ck muscle lifting capacity....the } transmissons went on for hours. Then stopped. And the Oracle smiled a } grim, weary smile of satisfaction as all across the net the screaming } began.... --- 1061-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > True blue Oracle, he is always there for us ready to help in a flash, > proud and brave and good. The Oracle stands between us and chaos. > > What did policemen eat before the invention of the donut? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A profound and serious question for a change, worthy of in-depth } research! Supplicant, you restore my faith in humanity! } } Very well, let us turm the clock back 100 years and see what the } policeman on the beat was ingesting... } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } Holmes: My word, Inspector, but your fidgeting could try the patience of } the proverbial saint. } } Lestrade: Dash it all, Holmes! We have been sat here in the cramped } confines of this Hansom cab for well nigh hours at a stretch. What } makes you so confoundedly certain that the miscreants are even at } this moment ensconced in the Georgian terraced habitation opposite? } } Holmes: As I already have had occasion to explain to you, my excellent } fellow, the five red-haired gentlemen and the Prussian } Under-Secretary are most certainly still at their nefarious } business indoors. Otherwise, the sound of the dog barking in the } night would indubitably have reached our ears. This is surely an } elementary deduction, even for London's Finest. } } Cabbie: 'Ow much longer do I 'ave to sit 'ere? It's flippin' freezin', } it is! } } Lestrade: Silence, you working-class scalawag, lest I be obliged to take } my riding-stock to your back! } } Holmes: The long hours of waiting appear to have had a deleterious } effect on your customary good humour as well as your ability to } remain immobile, if I may say so. } } Lestrade: I had scant opportunity to partake of any form of evening } victuals before you saw fit to take it upon yourself to drag me out } here. I am now beginning to fall prey to the pangs of unrequited } hunger and, consequently, my temper is somewhat slightly out of } sorts. Hark! What is that sound? } } Holmes: The dog? } } Lestrade: No, it is the cry of the itinerant jellied eel and dough-nut } monger! I am saved! Would you care for some refreshment, Holmes? } } Holmes: Not I. And surely, Inspector, the matter at hand is of } sufficient gravity and national import to induce you to overlook the } occasional rumblings of a discontented stomach and remain at your } post. } } Lestrade: Holmes, get knotted. } } [Exit Lestrade] } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } Hmm, evidently we didn't go back far enough. Let's try a tad earlier... } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } Beregar: I hied me hither as soon as thy message reached me, Brother. } What transpires? } } Cadfael: 'Tis young Wulfhere, the inn-keeper's son. I have been apprized } that he is at this very hour in yon chapel, purloining the relics of } Saint Simeon the Sanctimonious. } } Beregar: The young varlet! Let us thence forthwith to apprehend him! } } Cadfael: Nay, Hugh, 'tis not his own doing that he is about this } business, I trow. Certes he has been forced unto it by the lord of the } demesne, Sir Gervase de Rottinger, who has threatened that, were he to } do otherwise, Sir Gervase would exercise his droit-de-seigneur on } Wulfhere's fiancee, the fair and innocent Ethelthryth. } } Beregar: By all the Saints, Brother, cozen ye me not? I'faith, not in } all my years as shire-reeve have I heard of such corsednesse withal. } So what must our path be? } } Cadfael: We await here, hidden in Much the Miller's cart, until Wulfhere } hands the relics over to Sir Gervase, at which juncture you emerge and } catch them in the act. } } Much: Prithee, fine gentles, but I must have the use of my cart! } } Cadfael: Gramercy, Miller, no other place avails where we can watch and } not be watched. } } Beregar: Much, stout yeoman, we will pay thee three groats for every } hour that we require the use of thy most sturdy and becoming cart. } And a rack of venison to recompense thee for thine upholding of } the law. Mayhap this dost meet thy needs? } } Much: Well, I wit not... } } Beregar: Fie, venal miller! Hold thy tongue and begone to thy mill, } there to grind some flour or whatever it is those that follow thy } calling do. And whilst thou art about it, make me one of thine } excellent dough-nuttes. Verily, I starve! } } [Exit Much the Miller] } } Cadfael: Canst think of eating at such a time like this, Hugh? } } Beregar: God's Truth, Brother, a shire-reeve's lot is not a happy one, } yet it should not neither be a hungry one, methinks. } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } Rats, still not far enough. Okay, earlier still... } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } Thag: Hel-lo, Og. What Og do? } } Og: Name not Og. Name Ser-geant Og, sun-shine. Ser-geant Og look cave. } Bad man in cave. Bad man steal Og-wa furs. Ser-geant Og wait bad man } come out cave. Ser-geant Og catch bad man red han-ded. } } Thag: Why bad man red han-ded? } } Og: Ser-geant Og cover all cave mammoth blood. Bad man come out cave. } Bad man red han-ded, red foot-ed, red all over. } } Thag: Ser-geant Og more smart av-er-age Australopithecine. } } Og: Thag not whis-tle Dixie. } } Thag: How long Ser-geant Og look cave? } } Og: One, two, um, many hour. Og mur-der reindeer steak just now. } } Thag: Thag go hunt. Ser-geant Og want come? } } Og: Ser-geant Og want. Ser-geant Og come. } } Thag: What if bad man come out cave? Ser-geant Og not here, not catch } red han-ded. } } Og: Um... } } Thag: Ser-geant Og in cleft stick. } } Og: Ser-geant Og say what hell. Go hunt, go catch woolly rhi-no-cer... } um, rhi-no... um, thing with horn. Give Og-wa fur. Og-wa have new fur, } not cover mammoth blood. Bad man have wet sticky fur. Og-wa happy, bad } man wet sticky. Ser-geant Og say case close. } } Thag: What mean case close? } } Og: Ser-geant Og not know. Ser-geant Og say any-way. Sound good. } } [Exeunt] } } * * * * * * * * * * * } } So there you have it, Supplicant. Before donuts, policemen ate woolly } rhinoceroses. And remember, you heard it here first. --- 1061-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I convert GIF's, JPEG's, and similar bitmap-format graphics > into a vector graphic format for typesetting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't. } } Instead, come visit the Oracular Archives! } } Yes, that's right! Updated every hour, HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, even } MORE THAN THOUSANDS G, PG, PG-13, NC-17, R, X, XX, XXX, XXXX, XXXX^X } PICS, free for the taking! COMPLETELY FREE*! } } What is it that you fancy? W**dch*ks doing unspeakable acts with } humans? Zadoc doing unspeakable acts with W**dch*ks? (Eww.. not what } tickles my fancy, but to each his own..) Maybe a calm serene landscape? } How about some hard-core images of the Priests?! } } Come find it in our EXTENSIVE archive, where all images are repeated in } all graphic formats, including GIF's, JPEG's, BMP's, PNG's, TIFF's, } ICO's, PCX's, RAS's, among other similar bitmap-format graphics, and } now introducing, Vector Graphic Formats made just for typesetting! } } Your file format problems are over! Visit us NOW! IT'S FREE*!! } } -- } *Void where prohibited by good taste. Usage fees apply where } applicable. Downloading files indicates acceptance of all terms, } even those not explicitly stated (hey, nothing in this world is } *completely* free..) } } You owe the Oracle your anonymous ftp password. --- 1061-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have two questions about Oracle database. > We user oracle -8 > 1) If I create a 100M datafile, I can not allocate 100M extent on it. > What is the exact overhead in the datafile? > Is there a formula to calculate overhead in the datafile? > > 2) I want to remove a datafile from tablespace. > I did alter database datafile '/filename' offline drop; > It says statement processed but does not drop the file from > dba_data_files. > > How do I get rid of this file? > > Appreciate yr help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, this one's too wierd for even the great Internet Oracle to believe. } } First, you are confusing the Internet Oracle with Oracle the Database } company. The mail you sent was to the wise and all knowing purveyor } of knowledge, not the wise and all knowing storer of knowledge. } } Second, the human incarnation of the Internet Oracle that this message } reached is in fact a soon-to-be employee of Oracle, proving once again } the omnipotence of the Oracle software. (Internet Oracle software, } not.. oh never mind) } } Third, the question I sent out to get this one was about Oracle (the } company), compounding the coincidence factor to roughly 4.5 x 10^45 } } Fourth, you have to commit your changes to the database for the file } change to be correct. } } You owe it to the Oracle to resend your question to } support@us.oracle.com --- 1061-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, who never follows a help-desk operator's advice to fix > a computer that's running out of memory by pouring cough mixture into > the floppy drive. > > Oracle, we've all heard of the BOFH (B**t*rd Operator from Hell), but > what of the B**t*rd Oracle Priest from Hell? What's his or her daily > routine like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 0800: Arrive at work. Load enough applications to hide the email } window with a quick Alt-Tab when the boss is heard } approaching. } } 0820: Set the Oracle server to add "The Oracle's question queue is } getting rather full. Help speed things up for everyone and do } askme's instead of tellme's" to every message. Watch queue } drain until potential Incarnations are told that there are } no questions to ask, but still get the message that the queue } is full. } } 0930: Fill the queue with 100 null questions, 100 woodchuck } questions, 100 questions saying only "blah blah blah", and } 500 specially crafted questions to which there is no funny } answer unless the Incarnation responds with a surreal } non-sequitur. } } 1000: Remove the full-queue message. } } 1100: Sort through the incoming answers and gather up all the lame } and unfunny ones. Send them all to another Priest to wade } through. } } 1130: Look for an answer which, due to the use of a chemistry or } physics in-joke, will be appreciated by maybe four people. } Add it to the Digest. } } 1200: Break for lunch. } } 1330: Return from lunch. } } 1400: Find a really embarrassing question. Append somebody's .sig } to it. } } 1405: Find another embarrassing question that's just been answered. } Use DejaNews to find the supplicant's most recent .sig file. } Add it on to their question so that they'll *think* they left } it on, and then send it to them. Imagine them fervently } praying that it doesn't get Digested. Laugh delightedly. } } 1430: Redirect all of the questions from HotMail to one Incarnation } chosen at random. } } 1500: Find a really well-written answer, full of classical } references and intellectual humor. Reject it from the Digest. } Include the first answer found which involves the Spice Girls, } Bill Gates or Og. Imagine the rejected Incarnation becoming } bitter when he reads the Digest. Laugh delightedly. } } 1515: Reject all question/answer pairs from supplicants or } Incarnations who think they'll make the Digest if they } mention Priests. } } 1530: Coffee break. } } 1600: Randomly swap answers to questions. } } 1630: Hit Alt-Tab when boss is heard approaching. Accept paycheck. } Gloat silently about how great it is to get paid for being } an Oracular Priest when no one's watching. } } 1645: Run across question from supplicant wanting to know schedule } of Bastard Priest from Hell. Intercept question, write } truthful answer which will be dismissed by supplicant as } humor. Relax, knowing it will never be Digested. } } 1700: Shut down computer, leave work. } } You owe the Bas^H^H^HOracle an Early Boss Warning System.