From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 27 14:52:52 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.19) id OAA24240; Tue, 27 Oct 1998 14:52:52 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 14:52:52 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199810271952.OAA24240@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1058 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1058 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1058 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 14:52:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1058 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1053 84 votes 5gpqc 7csv6 4iDk3 skia8 azta0 6fqpc dutb1 dcmlg 5gvjd 8pqk5 1053 2.9 mean 3.3 3.2 3.0 2.4 2.5 3.3 2.5 3.2 3.2 2.9 --- 1058-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's right, supplicant. The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask: } I know everything already. } } I suppose you think I'm now going to fall for your pathetic little ploy } to make me ask you what your question was. Ha. I've got a good solid } incarnation going here-- no priestly misinterpretations or } embellishments this time, so you can kiss my omniscient butt. } } And I can't help but notice, supplicant, that you deliberately omitted } the obligatory grovel. And for that... } } No, supplicant, relax. I'm not going to ZOT you this time. I'm just } going to make you read one of those tedious Juno taglines. Look out, } here it comes.... } } ___________________________________________________________________ } You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. } Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com } or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] --- 1058-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the Oracularities Digests ask us to use a rating > system consisting of the numbers 1-5? First, considering the > large software support that must be behind such a massive > undertaking, one would suspect that the rating system would > be 0-based. And, considering the inherent superiority of > binary notation, one would expect a rating system of, say, > 0-7 (or perhaps 0-F). Why would such a technologically > sophisticated system use a zeroless rating scale with a > cardinality of 5? > > Does it have anything to do with the religious symbolism of > the number 5? If so, how can I reassure my Christian, Moslem > and Jewish friends that there is no Satanism involved? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay supplicant, let's go through this together. To make the rating } system simple for supplicants such as yourself, the Priests devised an } ingeniously simple method. Hold up your hand with your fingers } outstretched. Now... count the fingers. And there you have it! } } You owe the Oracle a Sesame Street counting song. --- 1058-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Zadoc! Watch me pull an Oracle out of my hat! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, supplicant! Watch me pull a crappy answer out of my brain! } } I have, as it says above, considered your question deeply. I have } considered it to be deeply silly, and unworthy of a serious answer. } However, as is the tradition, I shall endeavour to give an imaginative } reply, even though the seed you have provided may yet turn out to be } sterile, the egg boiled, the field barren, the goose, as they say, } already force-fed and prepared to be sliced open for foie gras. But } what the hell. } } In pondering this question, I consulted with the deepest minds on the } planet (well, I read a 'Kafka for Beginners' book so I can at least } look pseudo-intelligent. In fact, I really recommend that you look } into this series of books yourself, so as to improve the quality of } your questions (and hence my answers) in future (if you're a Lisp } programmer you might want to watch out for this next section because } there are some pretty heavy bracket balancing bits coming up in a } little while (Lisp, if you are not a Lisp programmer (and who is? (and } who would want to be?)) is a programming language that involves } processing lists, which essentially means lots of comma-separated words } surrounded by brackets (so it says here in 'The Pseudo-Intellectual's } Guide to Programming Languages' (subtitled 'How to look smart at your } horribly middle-class dinner parties now that being a geek has finally } (finally!) become fashionable') which I got for 14.95 from } http://www.amazing-books.com, a bargain that even you (with your highly } sepcialised job on the helpdesk at AOL (your title, if I am not } mistaken, is "CAPS-LOCK EXPERT" to provide assistance to the thousands } who still insist on shouting)) should be able to afford) which means } that Lisp programs can be extremely difficult to debug (and therefore } fun (for those who like that sort of thing (and I don't))))) and } therefore make things a lot more pleasant for all concerned. Enough of } this crap, on with the answer. } } As I implied above, the answer is 100% prime, char-grilled, } flavour-enhanced, chocolate-coated, sugar-fluffed, prepared by dwarfs, } gland-extracted, transmutated, bounced around the court, down for the } up stroke, ladies and gentlemen BRAIN OUTPUT that doesn't come at all } cheap, especially when you're as hungover as I am. To assist in your } understanding of the incredible intellectual breadth that this answer } covers I have translated it into several different languages (both } human, non-human, humane and inhumane) below. } } Chinese: } Xien-zai gei wo ni de lu tou ('lu tou' in this instance meaning } 'nipples'). } } Japanese: } Anata-no zou ga suge kakkoii! ('zou' in this case meaning 'elephant'). } } French: } MangM-i la cacahuete de ma merde. ('cacahuete' in this case meaning } 'peanut'). } } Java: } import java.util.*; } class Answer { } public static void main(String args[]) { } StringBuffer s = new StringBuffer(); } for (int i = 0; i < 5; i++) { } if (i = (int)Math.PI) s.append(i, 'e'); } if (i = 1 - 1 + 1 - 1 + 1) s.append(i, 'r'); } if (i = 0) s.append('a'); } if (i = 4 - 2) s.append('s'); } } } s.append('!'); } System.out.println(s); } } } } ('public static void main(String args[])' in this case meaning 'void } main(char** argc, int argv)'). } } Befunge: } 1^^^^43JHHJH } QJ|--->>^>^>>> } >^^--^vvabbba> } ('>^^--^vvabbba>' in this case meaning '44983448348' in Befunge-98). } } Etruscan: } No, I'm kidding, I don't really know Etruscan. } } German: } Mit beiden handen ziehen! ('beiden' in this case meaning 'both'). } } So I hope this clears things up for you, supplicant, and reminds you } that the point of the Oracle is not to ask and receive the answers to } meaningless questions that keep bored computer science students awake } at night when they should be thinking of the Quine-McCluskey algorithm } or Godel's theorem, but to further the knowledge that humankind has } about their universe so that in the great future that opens up before } us a new dawn can break and freedom can rain down from the heavens } above and in the brotherhood that we all share as humans and space } travellers we can forge new links and conquer new markets going } forward. } } Something like that. } } You owe the Oracle a new brain. --- 1058-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one, > > What is the quantity of herbaceous vegetative matter that would be > hurled by a medium-sized woodland-dwelling rodent, if such a creature > had in fact the capability of accomplishing this activity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ! --- 1058-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > :-) > :-( > :-E > :-P > :-0 > :-D > P-| > b-| > 0-| > |-| > :-(*)*** > :-Q > B-\ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, what a scary little bunch of monsters! Orrie, come here and see } the costumes! } } Lisa owes the Oracle a trick and a treat. --- 1058-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most groovy, I am but a humble level .5 gnomish footstool > in your presence. > > Would you mind waving the wonderful wand of creativity and casting a > level 12 originality spell on me? I'll give you three potions of > grovel if you do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would, but to be effective, you need at least an intelligence and } wisdom score of 7 or greater. If you remember, you lost your scores a } while back when you were cursed with the Chalice of Binge Drinking. } } >You owe the Oracle a new Player's Handbook --- 1058-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > Hi! there, its me again Nicole Franklin. Sorry I have'nt written in so > long but Ive had TONS of Homework. Mrs Fischer (thats' my Teacher) is > a real witch. Anyway my brother said I should ask you this because you > know so many things. Theres this Beanie Baby I really really REALLY > want that I can't find anywhere and maybe could you tell me where i can > find one. Near Springfield if posible because my Mom won't want to > drive all over Creation for a Beanie Baby. Oh, its' Teeth the > Woodchuck. Thank you THANK YOU!! Mr Oracle! > > Your Friend, > > Nicole Franklin > (4th Grade) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi Nicole, } } Sorry, you haven't had more time to write and I was } wondering when you would figure out Mrs. Fischer was } a real witch (was it before or after the foreign } exchange student mysteriously disappeared?) } } Your in luck, there is a "Teeth the Woodchuck" Beanie } Baby in Springfield he's just hidden away in a small } store. Here's a map to the BEANIE BABY BARN: } } Gas Gas } Station Station } ======================================== } Main Street } ======================================== } Gas | S | Gas } Station | i | Station } | d | } Walmart | e | McDonalds } | | } | S | } Boarded | t | BEANIE BABY } up store | r | BARN } | e | } | e | } Boarded | t | McDonalds } up store | | } | | } } Once you get inside: } } ======================================== } Aisle 1: Vegetable Beanies } ======================================== } Aisle 2: Celebrity Beanies } ======================================== } Aisle 3: Animal Beanies I } ======================================== } Aisle 4: Animal Beanies II } ======================================== } Aisle 5: Mineral Beanies X } ======================================== } } You've probably already been to the BEANIE } BABY BARN and looked in the two Animal } Beanies rows but one of the cashiers hid the } "Teeth the Woodchuck" beanie baby in the } mineral section (which unfortunately no one } appreciates) until his next paycheque when } he was going to buy it. His name is "Mark" } and he usually works Monday, Wednesday and } Saturday if you want to step on his toes. } } Hope this helps. } } You owe the Oracle a map of your bedroom with } each beanie baby individually marked. --- 1058-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh delectably scrumptious Oracle, > > I found a bottle of stuff at the supermarket. It's Hawaiian Mango > Conditioner. It's on the shelf right next to the shampoo. This seemed > very strange to me, since mangoes don't have hair. But I figured > perhaps the conditioner is meant for growing hair on mangoes, so I > bought some, and I got a mango too, and I tried it out. It didn't > work, though. The mango is still just as bald as it was when I bought > it. Did I get a defective bottle of conditioner? > > Maybe it wasn't a Hawaiian mango. But that wouldn't make a whole lot > of difference really, would it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your bottle of conditioner was not defective. Had your mango had hair, } I'm sure that the conditioner would have left its tresses silky, } managable and full of body and bounce. As to why the makers would } choose to create a hair product for something that has no hair: that I } cannot answer. I'm afraid that the minds of marketers are often too } much even for the Oracle to comprehend. } } You owe the Oracle a package of rose soap and some turtle wax. --- 1058-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most obstreperous Oracle; > > How does noise differ from sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sound becomes noise when its source is the next generation younger than } you. } } You owe the Oracle Pearl Jam on toast. --- 1058-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > Why did Bill Gates chose to have the symbol of the Black Widow Spider > show up so often when one runs Windoze? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, so young and un-informed, the answer to you question is } very very simple. } } Bill Gates' legged creature that sucks blood and disperses poison. } And he is trying to lure you in, REPENT! Switch to linux now! } } You Owe the Oracle Proof that you converted a widows user to linux.