From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Oct 2 12:20:03 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id MAA04867; Fri, 2 Oct 1998 12:20:03 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 12:20:03 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199810021720.MAA04867@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1053 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1053 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1053 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 12:20:03 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1053 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1048 81 votes aemnc cilm8 dglid ekibi hwgb5 isk87 6ipei jrp82 aqjdd 6mxh3 1048 2.8 mean 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.4 2.5 3.2 2.3 2.9 2.9 --- 1053-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TEN LITTLE SUPPLICANTS } } The ten of them were all glad they had been invited to the large } manor in the scenic resort town (usually last resort, but that's } neither here nor there) of Bloomington, although none were particularly } well acquainted with their host. } Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a mysteriously pinched voice } boomed, "You are all accused of submitting blank questions to the } Internet (nee Usenet) Oracle: } } "Aaron M. Ucko, you submitted a blank question on January 30, } 1997, } "Lambchop, you, along with your accomplice Shari Lewis, } submitted a blank question on April 15, 1998, } "Paul Kelly, you submitted a blank question on October 9, 1995, } "Zadoc Worm, you submitted a blank question on -- well, on dates } too numerous to mention, but most recently on September 24, 1998, } "Frida Kahlo, you submitted a blank question (from beyond the } grave, no less, incurring all sorts of terrible postage-due charges) on } April 16, 1997, } "Richard Simmons, you submitted a blank question on June 6, 1996, } "Richard Wilson, you submitted a blank question on March 10, 1996, } "Og Gruntgrunt, you submitted a blank question on July 4, 1998 } "Lars Clausen, you submitted a blank question on December 12, } 1997. } } "How do you plead?" } } All ten stood and stammered -- well, only nine at any one time, } really, because sometimes it was Shari and sometimes it was Lambchop -- } and the Oracle could tell they were all guilty. Of course, he'd known } all along, but he always liked to see guilt written so plainly upon the } countenance. What he liked even better, though, was to see terror, and } so, upon the wall in front of them, appeared the catchy little poem: } } Ten little supplicants, standing in a line, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were nine. } Nine little supplicants, standing there agape, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were eight. } Eight little supplicants, doing something that rhymed with } "seven", } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were seven. } Seven little supplicants, standing there transfixed, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were six. } Six little supplicants, glad to be alive, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were five. } Five little supplicants, bolting for the door, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were four. } Four little supplicants, begging for mercy, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were three. } Three little supplicants not knowing what to do, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there were two. } Two little supplicants still trying to run, } One got *ZOT*ted and then there was one. } One little supplicant (*Phew*! I'm nearly done!), } He got *ZOT*ted and then there were none. } } Lars finally worked up the eloquence to say something. "But } c'mon, Orrie, I'm one of your oldest friends! Besides, you can't } convict me wholesale with *this* lot. I mean, a ghost, a hand puppet, } a Neanderthal, a fictional priest, and an Englishman? There are only } five real people here, and I'm stretching the definition of 'people' to } include Richard Simmons." } The Oracle's heart was softened by this plea. "Perhaps you are } right." All was silent for a moment, and it seemed as though all would } be forgiven. } Then Aaron cleared his throat and spoke, "Besides, that's some } singularly awful poetry there. The meter's off, the rhyme's off, and } it doesn't even hold together as a narrative." } It soon became apparent that this was the wrong thing to say, as } various of the inmates started spontaneously combusting. First Paul } Kelly, then Shari Lewis, then Og, then Frida, then everybody else at } once, as Orrie's attention span was wearing through at this point, and } besides, it was disconcerting to have Lambchop running around without } Shari. } * * } } You owe the Oracle an apology. I mean, really, two blank queries in a } row? I can understand some mailserver problems, but when you test my } patience like that -- and I thought I was as diligent as usual in } answering the first -- you end up with results like the above. --- 1053-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, master of his world and all others, please tell me this: > > Why do the most repressive countries and governments all have > "Democratic People's Republic" or some such in their name? > > The "Democratic People Republic of North Korea" is hardly the epitome > of the working people. The "People's Republic of China" isn't exactly > ruled by the common people. The old East German "German Democratic > Republic" wasn't exactly free. > > Please help me to understand this. I'm trying to think of a new name > for my country and am having a hard time deciding. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quite simply, this is because there is a fixed amount of } self-congratulation in the Universe, and since those who have } something good to offer are usually too modest to say so, the others } have to make up for it with excessive amounts of self-congratulation. } Thus ordinary countries have boring names like "Canada" and } "Australia", while oppressive ones have names like those mentioned. } This also explains why Americans are so obsessively patriotic; they } are making up for all the countries actually worth living in. } } Of course, this extends to other fields as well. Consider, in } science, real studies have names like "Physics" and "Biology", while } many non-sciences have the word "Science" in their name. Examples are } Creation Science, Political Science, Computer Science, and } Scientology. Or consider that first statement ever published } regarding Special Relativity was "It is known that Maxwell's } electrodynamics - as usually understood at the present time - when } applied to moving bodies, leads to asymmetries which do not appear } to be inherent in the phenomena," while the latest quack is likely to } describe his/her "findings" as "This is the most AMAZING absolutely } astounding discovery of the century, if not of all time!!!" } } Or consider Usenet: We have rec.humor, containing no humor, } rec.humor.funny, containing nothing that is actually funny, and } rec.humor.oracle.d, containing no discussion about the Oracle. In } fact, there is only one rec.humor subgroup containing _anything_ even } resembling humor, and you are probably reading it right now. Indeed, I } have yet to find _any_ newsgroup in which more than 2% of the posts } have anything to do with what the name of the group implies. Related } to this are the group names, such as comp.os.ms-windows, that are } oxymorons in themselves, but I wont go into them here. Lets just hope } that nobody forms a rec.music.spice-girls. (Unless, of course, it is } actually named rec.music.spice-girls.die.die.die, or better yet, } rec.music.spice-girls.aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.help.help.help) } } In any case, regarding the name of your new country, I would have } to say that "The People's Republic of Texas" sounds better than "The } Texas Democratic Republic". In _no_ case should you use the currently } planned name of "Dat Dere Big Ol' Countruh Dat Wahs Wuns A YooEss } Stait", as it is likely to earn you even more disrespect than you } already have. } } You owe the Oracle a position on your cabinet. --- 1053-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, who knows everything, > > Should I become a Zen Buddhist? What's Zen all about, anyway? > I love you! I love you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN REASONS TO BECOME A ZEN BUDDHIST } } 10. You don't understand Zen Buddhism. } 9. You understand Zen Buddhism. } 8. The ringing in your ear is the sound of one hand clapping. } 7. You want to join a cult but the Scientologists weird you out. } 6. Bald, fat, smiling men turn you on. } 5. People never understood your anecdotes until you called them "koans". } 4. Your dog has Buddha-nature. } 3. Hey, who wouldn't want to be just like Richard Gere? } 2. You think you've already achieved enlightenment, and just want to } check. } } And the number one reason to become a Zen Buddhist: } } 1. MU } } The Oracle has decided that enthusiastic declarations of affection are } even better than grovelling, so you don't owe the Oracle anything. --- 1053-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please send me subject about Electronics. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bzzzzzzzz. Whiirrrrrrrr. Donk donk donk. Buddabuddabudda. Rrrrrrr. } Swishswosh swishswosh. Tatatatatatatatatata. Hmmmmmmmm. Bdoing! --- 1053-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I tried following your advise, but the plutonium > sphere just won't fit. Should I try pounding it with a hammer or > something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, this is most distressing. I told you your daughter wanted } Pluto, AKA Pluto the dog. Definitely not Plutonium. However, if } you've already invested in the Plutonium sphere, you might as well use } it - all kids love dazzling fireworks. You show much insight into } physics by proposing to use M.C.Hammer, however, years of abuse have } inured Plutonium to it. I suggest you use the infamous Spice Girls. } Place the Plutonium sphere in a lead hermetically sealed container and } divide it in two. Upon hearing the dastardly bad music, the Plutonium } balls will scurry around in attempted escape, clash into each other } forcibly and the rest is up to modern physics. } This works marvellously well on human beings too, but the results are } less spectacular. } } Happy Birthday! } } You owe the Oracle a rock band named 'The Plutonium Balls'. --- 1053-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who can solve Game's Magazine's Wild Cards while > waiting for a webpage to load on a T3, > > What do the following have in common? > > Fnord > Zork > Linux > Xena > Narf > Qwerty > Bridgette > Iomega > Rhod > SimCity And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Any one of them, when spoken aloud, will cause Windows NT to crash. } } You owe the Oracle a microkernel. --- 1053-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I expect an answer*now*you 2bit grovel hungry piece of rhino dung!!! > Ooops. > NO!NO!I ONLY MEANT... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I resent this implication! The Perl script that implements my } Incarnations is far larger than two bits! It took Steve Kinzler at } least a whole hour to code it up! } } You owe the Oracle Perl 6.0 --- 1053-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you, Pac Man's been looking for those dentures for quite some } time. --- 1053-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > : tellme > Oracle great you witty wise wonderful and and are. > I you before down bow. > > I FORTH recently studying been have, > good it at getting am and. > > Problem my > friends all my me anymore understand not can > is. > They > I Yoda like talk > that say. > > Please me help! > I what do can? > ; And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (have-spent (you (with postfix notation)) (time (too much))) } (has-moved (world the) (to (notation prefix))) } } (if (learn you Lisp) } (will-understand (friends your) you) } } (owe you (Oracle great wise omnivorous) } (and (port Linux (to Machine Turing)) } (grammar (in Lisp) (that works really)))) --- 1053-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient oracle, whose objects are always oriented outrageously, > I'm studying C++ and I just learned about friend classes. I think it's > so cool that they can be friends. But can there be enemies too? And > what other kinds are there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sadly, enemy classes were proposed too late to be added to the C++ } Standard. However, some compilers support them as a non-standard } extension. } } For example, MS Visual C++ 6.0 will use the `enemy' keyword to mark a } class written in Java, like so : } } typedef enemy class java.awt.Dialog JDialog; } } int main(int, char **) { } JDialog dlg = new JDialog(); } dlg->add(new (enemy java.awt.Button("Test"))); } dlg->execute(); } } } } The syntax is a little confusing, but this is C++ we're talking about, } so that's no big suprise. } } In the latest development version of egcs (1.1), the `enemy' keyword is } used to mark a class whose members are not allowed to access ANY of the } enclosed declarations. Also implemented in egcs1.1 is the `lover' } keyword. egcs changes the `friend' keyword so that friends no longer } have access to a classes private parts, only the protected parts. The } new `lover' keyword is the equivilant of the standard `friend' keyword. } } It is believed that Borland C++ Builder introduces several new } protection keywords, specifically } } `published' : published methods _can_ be exported from the United } States even if they would be otherwise classed as } munitions. } } `parental-guidance' : protects methods of this category from being } called directly by a class without an instance of it's } ancestor class present. } } `pretend' : These methods can be called. If they don't exist, it will } pretend they do. WARNING : it may not do what you intend } it to do. } } However, since almost no-one uses Borland C++ Builder, this is still an } unconfirmed rumour. } } You owe the Oracle a source-code licence to egcs.