From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jul 23 00:10:34 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA15853; Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807230510.AAA15853@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1035 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1035 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1035 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1035 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1030 92 votes c9amD 6qDj2 gtpf7 8kts7 7epug 9gDm6 5jDr2 8pxl5 dsoi9 9mAfa 1030 3.0 mean 3.7 2.8 2.7 3.1 3.4 3.0 3.0 2.9 2.8 2.9 --- 1035-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a test of the Emergency Internet Service. > > Had this been an actual World-wide Emergency you would have > received an email outlining your duties during the crisis. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a test of the Emergency Oracle Response Service. } } Had this been a real manifestation, you would have received a witty } response outlining your place in the universe. --- 1035-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, who has a farm, e-i-e-i-o; > > Have any baby goats ever been childnapped? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, they're always looked after well by their nannies. } } Of course, many other young animals tend to run into problems : } } Young horses are often the victims of foal play, and sometimes are } even killed in colt blood. Those unlucky enough to live in France } often get turned into filly steak. Many baby pigeons spend far too } much time squabbling, whilst young eels are always being scolded } for not respecting their elvers. Young deer learn all too soon the } dangers of excessive fawn-ication, and poor baby seals are all too } often cubbed to death. Young Turkeys sometimes fall victim to vicious } poult-ergeists, and other fowl often chick out long before their time } is due. Whilst young cattle are busily calfing their way through life, } baby sheep in Bosnia are often caught unawares by rogue lamb-mines. } Meanwhile, young rabbits continue to thrive and survive. As they } often remark to each other, 'It's a bunny old life'. --- 1035-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Erudite and Polyglottical Oracle: > > Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam > possit materiari? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 1035-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > begin 640 grovel.txt > M3T@@1U)%050@3U)!0TQ%+"!72%D@25,@5$A%($5.0T]$140@3U544%54($]& > =(%1(25,@3$%21T52(%1(04X@5$A%($E.4%54/PI. > > end And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } begin 666 zot.txt } ir--@@@@@@@@--@@@@@@@@--@@@@@@@-dhaN } fe-------@@!--@@!--@@@----@@!---Eono } yA------!@!---!@!--@!@----!@!---aSSe } OD-----@!!----@!@--!@!----@!!---TEWF } Ut----!!!-----!@!--!!!----!!!---HtEf } Ch---!!!------!!!--!!!----!!!---tHRo } ai--!!!-------!!!--!!!----!!!---oAWR } NS-!!!!!!!!---!!!!!!!!----!!!---ttit } end --- 1035-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle you are an authority on all topics whose influences are part > of every humans each waking moment; > > Are there any mammals on Earth that we humans have yet to discover? If > so where are they? I'd like to study them for my doctorate. I'll name > the creature after you if you would like. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I find it interesting that you limit your question to mammals, } supplicant. I understand why. Anyone who has gone through that } situation with a pregnant mare, a dolphin and a field mouse would have } a special feeling for warm-bodied animals that give milk to their } young. } } But that's another question. } } Where were we...Oh yes...undiscovered mammals. Yes, there are many } mammals that modern biology has not yet classified into kingdom, phylum } and class. There could be volumes written about what homo-sapiens } don't know about their own planet. I still get a kick out of reading } about your beliefs that Atlantis sunk into the sea. Wait } until you find the "Lost Atlantis Scrolls". Boy, will your faces be } red. } } But, I digress. OK, supplicant since I'm in a magnanimous mood } tonight, I'll give you a teaser. Here are three mammals that you (the } whole bloody race, not just *you*, worm) haven't stumbled upon. } } 1. A subspecies of the African Pachyderm that wanders around telling } the other elephants what to do, even though they really have no } idea themselves. This elephant is distinguishable by it's lack of } a trunk. Instead it keeps it's important papers in a briefcase. } } 2. A tree dwelling marsupial that lives in Western Australia. It looks } so much like another "tree dwelling marsupial" in the area, that you } (obviously) have overlooked it so far. The only remarkable trait } of this animal is that, when eaten, it *doesn't* taste like chicken. } } 3. A very, very small mammal that lives along the edge of the Chao } Phraya River. It is (astonishingly) milligram for milligram, } the fiercest creature on the planet. For lunch it eats bright red } Siamese Fighting Fish. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Crash go the Chariots". --- 1035-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohmigod! They killed Zadoc! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cut! } } Ok, That should be enough footage to convince the IRS that Zadoc's } dead. Only 200,000 priests to go, and there'll be no more of that } Employee Tax to pay. } } You owe the Internet Oracle a better way to revive decapitated priests. --- 1035-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most footish Oracle, who can head in a across the field while > playing goalie, and who never has a red or yellow card, please answer > the poor supplicant who couldn't defend a corner versus the Paraplegic > Society. > > Why France? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pourquoi La France? Pourquoi pas? Vous personne idiote vous nous pensez } les que frangais ne peuvent pas jouer au football? Aucune merveille que } vous envoyez ainsi beaucoup de questions ` l'oracle, vous jtes trop } idiot de comprendre n'importe quoi! } } Vous devez ` l'oracle un traducteur frangais-anglais. --- 1035-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Epicurean of the Deities is the Oracle, and he is a master > chef too. . . > > Mark Twain said, "When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the > angels eat." Is that true? What do devils eat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A particularly insightful comment by the second-greatest North American } writer -- Sequoyah being the first, what with coming up with an entire } written language and all -- particularly considering that Twain passed } away well before the development of the seedless variety. } } As to what the devils eat, they have little choice in the matter. Hell } hath only McDonalds and fine French restaurants. } } You owe the Oracle an order of McSweetbreads for the dog. --- 1035-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All hail the Oracle who is unfailingly cheerful, optimistic, and > possessed by courageous spirits: > > I read that there are really people out there that wear edible > panties!! Wouldn't that attract ants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not any of *my* aunts. } } On a related note, as a child I remember getting a pair of Oedipal } underwear as a Christmas gift. I thought they were a little } uncomfortable, but my Mom said "you look really, *really* good in } those..." } } Hmph. Well. All of a sudden, I feel kind of creepy. } } You owe the Oracle...um...well, just forget I said anything and we'll } call it even. --- 1035-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hey oracle, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey oracle > > where have all the flowers gone? > > -- > To email me, delete the appropriate crap in my email address (and if it > isn't obvious to you, you probably shouldn't be using a computer anyway) > > Too much friggin spam... > > -- > Legal Warning: Anyone sending me unsolicited/commercial/junk/spam > e-mail > > WILL be charged a US $500 proof reading fee. DO NOT send unsolicited > advertisements and do NOT add my e-mail address to your list(s): > > "By US Code Title 47 Sec.227(a)(2)(B) a computer/modem/printer meets > the definition of a telephone fax machine. By Sec.227(b)(1)(C), it is > unlawful to send any unsolicited advertisements to such equipment. By > Sec.227(b)(3)(C), a violation of the aforementioned Section is > punishable by action to recover actual monetary loss, or $500, > whichever is greater, for each violation." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd be happy to answer you... } } First a Legal Warning: Anyone sending the Oracle w..dch..k/crossover } questions WILL be charged a US $500 zot recharging fee. DO NOT send } w..dch..k questions and do NOT add Og to any in-joke(s): } } "By ORRIE Code TITle 42 Sec.666(l)(S)(D) a queue meets the definition } of a queue. By Sec.666(b)(S)(D), it is unlawful to send any } w..dch..k/crossover questions to such queues. By Sex.69(Y)(E)(s), a } violation of the aforementioned Section is punishable by action to zot } the snot outta ya, or $500, whichever the Oracle feels like or both } even, maybe even nine to fourty times, who knows, for each violation." } } The flowers were eaten by the #$^*&#@ing w..dch..ks. } } You owe the Oracle a 9mm .sig-Sauer.