From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jul 21 00:10:32 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA02826; Tue, 21 Jul 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807210510.AAA02826@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1034 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1034 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1034 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1034 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1029 85 votes 9agzf jMg02 6eAo5 cgum5 8fxm7 9uwa4 4ahou 4bEl9 czmd3 3grof 1029 3.0 mean 3.4 2.0 3.1 2.9 3.1 2.6 3.8 3.2 2.5 3.4 --- 1034-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CHORUS } Don't it always seem to go } That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } (Choo zot zot zot zot, choo zot zot zot zot) } } They took all the words, put 'em in a word museum } And they Digested the best, put 'em on-line so you can see 'em } } CHORUS } Don't it always seem to go } That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } (Choo zot zot zot zot, choo zot zot zot zot) } } Hey supplicant, put away that I.B.M. now } Give me Oracular wisdom but leave the null question, please } Please } } CHORUS } Don't it always seem to go } That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } (Choo zot zot zot zot, choo zot zot zot zot) } } "You've got mail" I heard the program say } And a big empty question ruined my whole day } } CHORUS (x2) } Don't it always seem to go } That you don't know what you wrote, then it's gone } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } (Choo zot zot zot zot, choo zot zot zot zot) } } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } (Choo zot zot zot zot) } You waved questions by, and asked for part of Zot. } } ~~~ } You owe the Oracle a dollar and a half... --- 1034-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dentally perfect Oracle, whose teeth only need brushing once a year, > yet stay pearly white, who knows everything there is to know about > everything, how do they make toothpaste come out of the tube striped? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Segregation! STOP DENTAL APARTHEID NOW! --- 1034-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings Wise Oracle! You are wonderful on a summer day, and cold > winter night and all the times in between. > > How can one tell if a melon is ripe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thump. Sniff. Poke the little stem end to see if it gives. } } Or do what the Oracle does and drop it on the floor. If it looks ripe } inside, it probably is. Repeat as necessary until you get the perfect } melon. } } You owe the Oracle a particularly obsequious priest to clean up the } mess. --- 1034-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,you are the key to the secrets of the universe, > > Does the ouija board really allow you to talk to the dead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } Not in and of itself, the board is just a tool. } } You need to first get a MoDead. Plug the MoDead into a free slot on the } board, (consult the documentation that came with your board to make } sure you get a MoDead that is compatible with your board.) } } Then you need to subscribe to an DSP (a Dead Summoning Provider). Make } sure that it is one that it uses a GS (Ghosting System) you can } communicate with in your language of choice. Connecting to the wrong } ghost is almost more frustrating than not connecting to a ghost at all. } It won't do to be talking to dead French Christians if you were looking } for dead Cree-speaking Animalists now would it? } } If you have troubles there are many self-help books out there[1]. } Or you can buy ouijas all set up. } Or best of all; invite the neighbor kid over to help you. } } You owe the Oracle Houdini's #. } } [1] "Conjuring for Dummies", by Thrall and De'Athly } "Raising Spirits in 10 Easy Steps", by Rob Graves (no relation) } "My First Book on Summoning", by Tom B. Stone } "You too Can Have a Familiar", by Kelly Tonnes } "Summoning in a NutsHell", by O'Deadly Associates. --- 1034-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle who knows both the instantaneous speed _and_ position > of any given electron; > I have heard of heard of a variety of atomic weapon that destroy > populations without damaging property or terrain. What kind of > weapon is this and how does it achieve this dastardly act? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're refering to the neutron bomb [0], a low-yield thermonuclear } explosive designed as an antipersonnel weapon that produces minimal } blast damage and radioactive fallout. } } But neutron bombs are old hat. } } Current thinking is that if you want to destroy populations without } damaging property or terrain give them unlimited cable access [1]. } After one generation the population will be so over-weight and } brain-dead all you'll have to do is turn off the electricity for a } fortnight and they will die in droves. } } You owe the Oracle a library card with your name on it. } } [0] see "Enhanced-Radiation Weapons,' by Fred M. Kaplan; SCIENTIFIC } AMERICAN, May, 1978. } [1] see channels 1 through 9999 --- 1034-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please except this hand woven pot-holder as an expression of > admiration, approval and respect, Wise Oracle. > > Jack and I were thinking of going up the hill to get a pail of water, > but, well, I have a vague uneasy feeling about this whole affair. > Should I go up the hill with Jack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't do it. Jack is up to his old tricks. Worse, the only form of } contraception he knows involves vinegar and brown paper. Don't go } there. } } You owe the Oracle a crack-free crown. --- 1034-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise; > > Which was first LIFE or TIME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning, there was The Watchtower. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription. --- 1034-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Impressive is the Oracle, he is proper and desired, and nothing at all > like unswept painted pavement, nay, he is like a imposing elegant > castle full of lavish arts and bright-colored paintings! > > Should I follow in my father's foot steps and be a bail-bondsman or > follow my dreams to be Johnny Banana-seed wandering the world with my > banjo singing and planting bananas everywhere I go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you it's best to follow your heart } and take the road that leads to your dream. To be a simple bail-bondsman } would not be befitting of someone such as yourself. (Besides, if you put } a 33-word, commaless sentence on your resume, you'll NEVER get a job) } } By the power vested in me by the very nature of my being... } I endow thee with the name of "Johnny Banana-seed"! } } Haunting, heavenly male choir: Haunting, heavenly female choir: } --------------------------------- ------------------------------------ } He... is... Johnny... Oh Johnny... Johnny'O } He... will be... Johnny... Yes, Johnny, O'Johnny yes, yes, yes! } Johnny! Ba! Na! Na! Seed! He's bananas! Completely Ba-na-na- } na-nas! } } Ba! Na! } Ba! Nana! } Na na-na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba... na... na! } Ba! Na! } Ba! Nanana! } } Agnus dei, quid tolis pecata mundi Miserere nobis. Miserere nobis. } Dona, dona, dona nobis Nobis, nobis, nobis pacem } Kyrie, Kyrie, Kryie eleison Christe, Christe, Christe eleison } } Go forth dear supplicant, and shed thy glorious banjo-induced happiness } throughout the earth! } } You owe the Oracle a dedication in you Opus #1. --- 1034-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grand Oracle whose knowledge is to that of all mankinds' like the Oort > Cloud is to a teapot's steam. > > How does one develop a photographic memory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, once you've taken all the pictures your brain will hold, you have } to remove it from its casing. Don't just open the skull, or you will } expose the brain to light, and your pictures will be ruined! Instead, } firmly stick your thumb in your bottom to unlock the spindle, then turn } your nose anti-clockwise to roll up your brain until you feel no more } resistance. Take a buzzsaw and open the skull at the top. Remove the } rolled-up brain, put it in a black bowler hat, put a hubcap on top of } it to keep the light out, and take it to your nearest } photograph-developer. He'll take your brain and give you a ticket. You } can usually pick up your developed pictures the next day. Some shops } will give you a free brain when you pay for your pictures, so you can } start snapping away again! } } You owe the Oracle a panoramic brain, for those wide shots of Lisa } languishing on a temple bed. --- 1034-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who is.... uhm, wise, and... beautiful, yeah, as... > and who is as good as... well, a very good thing, I guess... > > Dammit, Oracle, I'm just not funny anymore! Look at what I just wrote! > Diseased woodchucks with their intestines threaded through their ears > could write a better grovel than that! And my questions.... > I can't bear to think about it. Would you believe that I was seriously > contemplating asking you why donuts can't fly? As for my Incarnating, > well, my pet rock has been digested more often than I have. > > It didn't use to be this way, Oracle. What's wrong with me? What's > happening? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Know thy self supplicant! Know thy self. . .consult the } flow chart below and honestly tell yourself which path } you are on. Where are you heading, Who are you? There } lies the answer. . . } } ================================================================= } } The stages of the development of the average supplicant/incarnation } } has heard of The Oracle } | } finds rec.humor.oracle } | } sends in a question, is baffled to get sent a question } | } replies to 1st question<--+----> no reply to 1st question------+ } | | } +-----------------------------+ | } writes something lame writes something funny | } | | | } is proud<--+--> is ashamed +--------------------+ } | | | } | +-----------------------------------------+ } | | } gets juno/hotmail/aol/yahoo account | } | | } proceeds to queue draining +---------------------+ } | | } | finds Oracle web site } starts writing lame questions | } | | } | does not study archives<---+----> studies archives } | | | } | | starts writing better questions/answers } | | | } +------------+-----+-----------------------------+ } | } is having fun<----+-------> gets tired of Oracle ----> wanders off } | } +--->discovers rec.humor.oracle.d } | } +-------------------+----------------------+ } | | | } loves rhod bored w/rhod is repulsed by rhod } | | | } gets into in-jokes misses in-jokes hates in-jokes } | | | } +-------------------+----------------------+ } | } writing gets worse<--+---->writing gets better } | | } becomes lame incarnation | } | | } | tolerates lame incarnations<-+->gets tired of lame incarnations } | | | } | | quits, moves on } | +-----------------+ } | | } | gets digested<-+->does not get digested } | | | } | +-- works harder--+ } | | } | gets digested<-+->does not get digested } | | | } | works harder quits } | | } | does not get a life<-+-> gets a life -----> quits } | | } +-------+--------+ } | } full-time incarnation/supplicant } } ================================================================= } } You owe The Oracle a way to get thru to incarnations that if they } are producing tons of answers they are on the lame incarnation path. } *Quality*, not quantity team!