From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Apr 12 00:10:33 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.17) id AAA04309; Sun, 12 Apr 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804120510.AAA04309@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1005 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1005 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1005 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1005 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1000 95 votes 9uzd8 15jCw 7lAn8 1anIh 5fDr9 7ozn6 37qGh cusi7 4jruf 3troc 1000 3.3 mean 2.8 4.0 3.0 3.7 3.2 3.0 3.7 2.8 3.3 3.1 --- 1005-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Awe-Inspiring Oracle, whose knowledge is truly fathomless and > unfathomable and all those other nautical terms, please tell me: what > is the best April Fools' Day prank you've ever pulled? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Telling Zadoc that he could be the Oracle for a day. Not only did he } believe me -- which was a great joke to play on him -- but the dozens } of pitiful supplicants (yourself included) got some of the most } interesting advice I've ever seen. } } That reminds me. The piece of "advice" he gave you. Did you pour } sulfuric acid on your genitals to get rid of your herpes? --- 1005-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > x And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, that's a toughie. Let's see, I'll move: } } x| |o } ----- } | | } ----- } | | } } Your move. } } x| |o } ----- } | | } ----- } | |x } } Ok, that's easy to answer: } } x| |o } ----- } |o| } ----- } | |x } } Ha! Your move. } } x| |o } ----- } |o| } ----- } x| |x } } Rats, I hoped you wouldn't see that. Well, I'll } just move ... Hey, wait a minute ... Hmm, let } me think a minute. } } Hey, isn't that Lisa behind you, wearing only a } topless thong bikini? } } x|x|o } ----- } |o|o } ----- } |x| } } Oops, my mistake, it's only Zadoc. Well, it's } your move. What? No, I don't think I bumped } the board. Now go ahead and move. --- 1005-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise and philanthropical, whose visage is like unto > mine as Kate Winslet's is like unto Roseanne Arnold's, please answer > unto me this question, of which I am confounded: > > I just checked the message queue and it said that you had no questions > to answer. However, three days ago I submitted a question, and > haven't yet gotten a reply. What is the story, your magnificence? > Perhaps this is another symptom of the D1K bug? > > Yours faithfully, > A subserviant incarnation And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } I am writing to you on behalf of Oracular Industries in regards to } your recent question. The D1K bug hit us pretty hard here, resulting } in numerous unforseen side effects: } } -Zadoc mistakenly released a selection of faked Oracularities which } were written by a bunch of parrots with typewriters. These were } intended for a prank The Oracle was going to play on Lord Satan } at next week's Dieties Brunch, but instead caused much havok and } consternation amongst the Rhodites, many of whom took to their beds, } wailing "It's a travesty! A travesty!" while their concerned spouses } mopped their brows with cool, wet, face cloths. } -The entire priesthood vanished briefly when the Space-Time Continuum } reversed itself back to 000 and none of them had been born yet. } This was, luckily, corrected with no seemingly ill effects, although } several priests have been spotted playing in the fountains and } blabbering about bright lights and tunnels. } -The billing system seized up, meaning that several thousand } supplicants (including yourself) will probably be visited by creditors } demanding payment for everything The Oracle has ever asked you for } (up to and including the Whack-the-Weasel Game, the complete boxed } set of "Willie Streetsmar and His Hilarious Harmonica", and a piece } of the true cross.) } } As I'm sure you'll understand, the Oracle is a little stressed } over this. He wasn't in a good mood to begin with, let me tell you, } with every other question for the last week being "How can I get into } digest 1000?" I'm sure we'll get to your question in due course, } once we get everything sorted out. } } Yours Truly, } } Gribalt T. Snotwelter } Head of the D1K Recovery Team --- 1005-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, marvelous, wonderful, amazing, great Oracle, please answer > this plea: > > I spent all weekend trying to play my CD's backwards to hear the > hidden messages. What do you think of that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .lonelyT emos elcarO eht ewo uoY } } .innaY no dnif ll'uoy sregniz eht ta dezama eb ll'uoY .txet IICSA tib } 7 sa weiv neht dna ,elif eht no 31TOR mrofrep ,)evird gig 4 a naht } erom deen t'now uoy( retupmoc i buried paul ruoy ot stnetnoc latigid } s'DC eht daolnwod :segassem eseht fo tsom dnif ot woh no tnih a uoy } evig ll'I .segassem neddih rof sDC esoht gnihcraes do it eunitnoc ot } eb dluow ecivda tseb yM .evitcudorp oot raf dnekeew ruoy ekam dluow } hcihw ,dnik emos fo ecivres ytinummoc detnarrawnu emos mrofrep ot uoy } dael thgim tahT turn me on dead man .snosirp.tla morf yawa yats ,ti fo } kniht I taht won ,oN .snosirp.tla yllaicepse ,elbissop sa tenesU fo } hcum sa daer ot si ,esruoc fo ,flesruoy ekil ton ,sremeetse-fles wol } htiw barney is satan ralupop si taht reppu resu emit etinif dnekeew } )dednetni nup( sseltiurf rehtonA .)einni tnenimorp rehtar a htiw } kill your girlfriend hsorf dduM yevraH a yb dleh ,76 si ,yaw eht yb } ,drocer eht( levan ruoy ni deffuts eb nac taht sdees elppa fo rebmun } egareva eht lla rof dna ecno enimreted ot gnitpmetta dnekeew eritne } ruoy tneps evah dluoc uoy drink pepsi ,elpmaxe roF .esrow enod evah } dluoc uoy esoppus I ,koobtxet 101 mehC taht gnikcarc yllanif ro moor } eat popcorn mrod ruoy gninaelc sa hcus ,seitivitca luftiurf erom no } tneps retteb neeb evah dluoc dnekeew ruoy hguohtlA } } ,tnacilppuS raeD --- 1005-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thag ponder Og question. > > Og expect answer after one or two sun. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:39 ] ... } } Thag! You can't do that. Maybe when Og wants to know which side to } button his mammoth skin on you can do that, but not now. This is } BIG TROUBLE! } } message from zadoc@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:52 ] ... } } Most splendid master, thou whose very discarded toenail clippings } I am unworthy of polishing, I couldn't help noticing that the alarm } bells..... } } message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:56 ] ... } } Zadoc! Forget the shuffling in on your knees, Og's in trouble. } Plan B immediately. IMMEDIATELY. } } message from og@middle.paeolithic.era [ Mon Mar 2 19:74 999,984 BC ] } } Og not want bo-ther O-ra-kul. Og say 'but'. Og big trou-ble. Og told } O-ra-kul di-gest #many Og free ques-tion. Og on-ly, Og not ask. } Og say 'but'. Ogwa, Oglings too big trou-ble. Og need help now!!!! } Og gro-vel much good gro-vel la-ter. Og lose big spiky club. Og more } trou-ble! } } } message from zadoc@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:43:58 ] ... } } Plan B in action Master. All emergency goods transported to Og at } the specified time and space co-ordinates. } } message from oracle@cs.indiana.edu [ Mon Mar 2 20:44:01 ] ... } } OK everyone, we can relax now. Phew, that was a close one. Zadoc, } go bring some beers from the fridge. And may I remind you that your } previous permission not to grovel or shuffle was temporary only. } On you knees, worm! } } } [Scene: An Archaelogical dig somewhere in southern Spain] } } Jacques! We've found a fossilised mud layer in the far end of the } valley! } } Great news Charles! What does it show? Anything interesting? } } Dunno yet, I've got the American working on it. } } [Jacques and Charles run exitedly to the dig]. } } Frank, what is it? } } Footprints, bits 'n pieces, bones, you name it, it's in this layer. } } Charles, what do you think happened? } } Well, the way I look at it is this. Look at these prints. Neanderthal } or I'm a weekend hobbyist. But, look at the size. From small children } to these sleek, perhaps female feet, and look at these beauties. } We're talking about one of the biggest male Neanderthals for which } evidence exists. } } Hmmm. Found any pieces that might help us work out what was happening? } } Yeah, all these bones. Tons of 'em. Big animals, sabretooth tigers, } mammoths, mastedons, fair number too. All at the wide end of this } little end of the valley. But look, all the Neanderthal feet are } inside this little narrow passage. } } They must have been trapped. Any Neanderthal bones among the animals? } } Nope. Not a one. } } Let's look closer to see if we can work out the chain of events. } } Well, I thought of that myself, but look what I found. Weird. } } The femur of a mammoth, what's strange about that? } } Look what's stuck in it. } } Hmmmm. Looks like a harpoon. Maybe it fell in here some time recently. } } These bones have been buried since around 100,000 BC. This harpoon } is stuck fast. Look at this one. } } Sabretooth tiger. There're a few holes in it. Strange holes, very } round. I've never seen holes like that before. What would make holes } like that? } } I've seen holes like that before. In the 'nam. } } Vietnam? Did you help with any archaelogical digs in Vietnam? } } Nope, I served in the army. We used to shoot dead animals for fun. } Come back a few months later, big holes in the bones just like that. } Maybe an AK47. } } AK47??? } } And look at these, in the same layer as the animal bones. } } Long thin, repeating tracks. Sort of square. What leaves tracks } like that? } } A herd of stampeding animals? I've never seen tracks like that before. } Frank? } } Seen 'em. Know 'em. Sherman tank, that's what that is. Look how the } animal bones are crushed where the tank ran over 'em. } } I see. So, the pattern we're getting is that there were a family of } Neanderthals trapped right up this end of the valley by a stampeding } mob of mammoths, sabretooth tigers, and other large mammals. } The Neanderthals then threw metal harpoons at the animals .... } } This harpoon seems to have been attached to a rocket launcher. } } ... fired metal harpoons at the animals. They then opened fire with } an AK47 ..... } } Hey, I've just found fragments from a howitzer shell. } } ...., a howitzer, and probably other weapons..... } } Frank, is this a grenade pin? There are a whole bunch of them pressed } into the dried mud layer around where the juvenile Neanderthals were. } } ..... and then drove out of this end of the valley in a Sherman tank. } I think that completes the picture. } } [silence for about 5 minutes] } } Jacques, is it possible to recall all the copies of my latest textbook } for a quick rewrite? } } Sorry, I'm not involved in the details, but I know that all books } in the academic series have already gone out. Charles, you know that } article I wrote for your journal, you know, the one where I rubbished } the Atlantis theorists. } } Yes. } } Is it too late to recall it? } } Maybe, but the internet version is out. People would know. } } [silence for another 5 minutes] } } You know, I think that if we used all the dynamite all at once, } we could make this whole valley cave in on itself. } } You know, I think you're right. Frank, do you know much about } explosives? } } Leave it to me, everybody get out of the area, this is going to be } one mother of a big bang.... } } You owe The Oracle some plans for a full sized copy of The Brooklyn } Bridge that Og has to build for me, out of flint. --- 1005-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, wise beyond the ways of men and women, > > How can I get my nose to stop running? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, my heavens....another one of THOSE questions. ZADOC! } } Y-yes, my lord? } } Oh, stop cringing...I'm going to do you a favor. } } My lord? } } No, I really mean it this time. I've received another softball, and } since in addition to being Omniscient, Omnipresent and Omniverous, } I am also a pretty nice guy at heart, I've decided to let YOU answer } this one. } } My lord! My heart explodes with joy! } } Just take another nitro; that should clear it up. Here's the question: } >>O, mighty Oracle, wise beyond the ways of men and women, } >> } >>How can I get my nose to stop running? } } Okay, Zadoc...this is your chance at the big time. See if you can } hit it out of the park. } } Yes, my lord! [clears throat] L-lowly worm of a s-s-suplicant... } } Go ahead; you're doing fine. } } Yes, my lord. [clears throat again] Lowly worm of a suplicant, glad } am I that you have asked this question. Such a glorious question; } so insightful; so meaningful; so profound and full of -- } } All RIGHT, Zadoc...I think we all know what this particular question } is full of. Let's cut to the chase and give the answer. } } Yes, my lord. [clears throat yet again] } } AND DON'T HACK ANYTHING ONTO MY CARPETS! I just had them cleaned. } } N-n-n-no, my lord! A thousand pardons, my lord! } } Now get on with it; I want to go back to bed. } } Y-yes, my lord. } } And stop cringing. } } Y-yes, my lord....L-lowly w-worm of a s-s-sup... } } We already did that part. Now give the goddamned answer! How can } the supplicant keep his nose from running? } } Y-yes, my lord. The way to keep your nose from running is very easy. } It is actually a very humorous answer, too...it is the same sort -- } } ZADOC! } } My lord? I was just going to say that it is the same sort of joke as } the classic, "How do I keep my feet from smelling?" It is based on } the principle of the double meaning, and these are two rare cases where } the second meaning is not even salacious, which makes them suitable -- } } ENOUGH! } } But, my lord, I was just going to say -- } } I SAID ENOUGH! } } But -- } } <> } } It is SO hard getting good help these days...oh, supplicant. } I almost forgot you were there. As for your runny nose...sorry } for the delay. You know how it is. Damned servants....Yes, the } runny nose. Run down to Walgreen's, and get yourself some Sudafed. } If they're out of that...mmmmm...oh, there's lots of alternatives. } Go to the laundrymat, stick a bunch of change into one of the dryers, } set it to "Maximum Dry", and stick your head in the drum for awhile. } That should dry you right up. In the meantime, try to not dribble } snot all over everything...wear a long sleeve shirt, or a necktie, } so you'll always have something to wipe with. } } Hope you get better soon. Actually, to be truthful, I don't give a } good goddamn about you. But we have to keep up appearances. And you } still owe the Oracle a ticket to Henny Youngman's funeral. --- 1005-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most employable of all beings, for you need less training to do > a job perfectly while asleep than Einstein would have well rested > and on speed: > > The interview went well, but the sawdust on the floor of the office > was faintly disturbing, and there was something about the buckteeth > on my interviewer... anyway, my question: Will they offer me the job, > and if they do, should I take it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, they will offer you the job, after 37 other applicants have } turned down the offer because they noticed not only the sawdust and } the buckteeth, but also the smell of decaying flesh and the unusual } amount of garlic present on the surrounding buildings. } } However, you should indeed take the job. Mr. Acula is indeed only } in need of a secretary, and very rarely indeed is he in any way } unpleasant towards his employees. You should prepare yourself for } some hard work, though. Lugging away the bodies of his customers, } replacing the sawdust once a week (his table manners aren't all } that good) and keeping out mobs of enraged villagers with torches, } hayforks and stakes. Pay is good, though I would abstain from any } 'complimentary fringe bonuses', if I were you. They may cause your } employment to become quite a bit longer than you would enjoy, and } have a definite influence on your eating habits. } } You owe the Oracle a business folder with compartments for garlic, } crosses and holy water. --- 1005-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Orrie! You know, you need a really cool, catchy name for > the people that send you a lot of questions and hang out in > rec.humor.oracle.d. You can't wear a T-shirt that says, "I enjoy > submitting tellmes to oracle@cs.indiana.edu and trying to come up > with a sufficiently humorous response to other people's questions to > be included in the next digest of Oracularities on rec.humor.oracle." > You see my point? > > You need a name that people will immediately associate with you, that > sounds fun, that makes other people want to be a part of the action. > You need a name like "Oracletes". Nah, too classically Greek. > How about "Oracaloozers"? Nah, too Generation X. I know! How about > "Oracleheads"? > > What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, a word for those who hang out at rec.humor.oracle.d. and want to } advertise that fact on a t-shirt? } } Suckupplicants. } } You owe the Oracle a t-shirt which reads "ZOT!" --- 1005-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ***Stand by for transmission from the Big Giant Head.*** > > Orrie, old friend. It's been a long time. How's the gang? Here on > homeworld everything is running smoothly, but I have a problem with one > of my Earth surveillance teams. You see, they're a bunch of idiots. > I try and try to make them do things the right way, but they never > seem to learn. > > Therefore, my question: Could you help me design a manual for behaving > in a proper Earth manner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure thing, Head. How are the little headlings? } } *****Terran Etiquette Protocols for Exploratory Expidition Members:***** } A User Manual } } 1. Camouflage } It is important to remember that these earthlings are unaware } of extraterrestrial life (read: us) and thus it is important } to have the right number of limbs, eyes, and respiratory organs. } Otherwise, the average human will think you are quite silly and } have nothing to do with you. } 1. A) Technical Specs. } Eyes: 2 Noses(see part 17): 2 } Forelimbs: 2 Hindlimbs: 2(biped) } 1. B) Names. } Names are an important part of your costume. } You should pick a name that is inconspicuous. } Good name: Bad name: } John Bigbooty French Stewart } Robert Silverberg Ford Prefect } Nata Alien Alistair Crowley } 1. C) Language. } Humans are funny about their language. One } should always try to emulate their idioms. } Under no circumstances should you address } someone as 'Human' 'Earthling' or 'Future Slave' } 'Carbon-based lifeform' is acceptable only } at universities and England. } Good phrases: } "I speak good english." } "Take me to your geezer." } Bad phrases: } "It's not my damn planet, monkey boy." } "Gwan tikoogee gnobli Solo?" } This manual brought to you by the Big Giant Head. When thinking } of giant heads, think of the *BIG* Giant Head. } ...And so forth. On the whole, humans aren't very observant. You can } always instruct your men to say they're on AOL. Other humans will nod } knowingly and ignore any odd behavior. } } You owe the Oracle a reason that Guido was aiming at the wall. --- 1005-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uhm, O Oracle -- uh. Wow. I can't believe I'm really -- you know -- > talking to you. Uhm. Guess I'm not really talking to you. Well, > emailing. Whatever. Wow. Heheh. Uhm. This is just so cool. Cuz, you > know... you're so cool. I'm mean, you're like, *THE* Oracle. Oh man, > that answer you gave, you know, about the frog? And the guy who didn't > grovel? Oh, that was classic. Like, truly good stuff. Uhm. > > Okay, so I know I should be, like, grovelling? But the thing is, like, > you're just so -- you know, well, anyways, like, you're the *ORACLE*. > So, like I can't even think, and well, it's a bit, you know, > embarassing, but... heheh... I'm not very, you know, like "eloquent" > when I'm talking with my buddies, and I just sort of mumble around Kim, > especially when she's wearing one of those really tight tops, and.... > well, anyways, uhm, you're just too cool, so I sorta can't think of > anything to say. So, uhm, I was sorting of wondering, like, how should > I grovel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Articulately. } } You owe the Oracle a thesaurus.