From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 2 09:06:22 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.17) id JAA07047; Thu, 2 Apr 1998 09:06:22 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 09:06:22 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804021406.JAA07047@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1000 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1000 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1000 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 09:06:22 -0500 (EST) @@@ The Millennial Digest Arriveth! @@@ @@@ (This time for real :-) Yes, the last digest #000 was our April @@@ Fool's joke of intentionally awful Oracularities written and @@@ organized by the Oracle's priests. And, no, there really was no D1K @@@ digest numbering bug. Try reading the first letters of each of the @@@ 10 vote codes in digest #000, followed by the second letters, etc.) @@@ @@@ After 8 1/2 years of continuous operation with over 262,000 @@@ Oracularities written by our ever-creative participants and @@@ reviewed by our stalwart priesthood, we're proud to present this one @@@ thousandth digest of the Internet Oracularities! We've survived the @@@ explosion of Internet access with its floods of clueless newbies @@@ ... and clued in many of them that found their way here. Neither @@@ spam nor Microsoft nor the threat of censorship has impeded the @@@ Oracle's way. The Oracle has kept the core of its unique character @@@ and origins, while encompassing and benefitting from its expanding @@@ demographics and geography. We're going stronger than ever. @@@ @@@ No matter how you participate in the Oracle -- digest reader, voter, @@@ supplicant, incarnation or priest -- pat yourself on the back and @@@ accept my thanks for making the Oracle what it is and helping us @@@ all have just too damn much fun. @@@ @@@ Steve Kinzler To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1000 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 995 91 votes 5lwmb 8gykd 9erw9 dloq7 clny1 5rqs5 6goqj 8rxg7 8ttfa ccvkg 995 3.1 mean 3.1 3.2 3.2 2.9 2.9 3.0 3.4 2.9 2.9 3.2 --- 1000-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen when the Ocularities digest's reach 1000? > Will they: > a) go back to zero? > b) stop working altogether? > c) fall over and take the Internet with them? > d) unleash the Oracle virus that will ZOT anything that moves? > > or are they 1000 compliant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, good supplicant, finally someone has pondered this soon-to-arrive } problem. Of course, it's not far too late to do anything about it. } Those Oracle priests who have prepared for the past several years will } suffer little in the cataclysm ahead. Those who are just now looking } at the problem will quickly find that it is too late - there is not } enough time, money, or staff available to assist them. } } What will this mean for the digest? Well even for me, the all-knowing } Oracle, that is difficult to determine. But my prediction as based on } the current state of things is that they will manage to turn over to } number 1000, but not before causing widespread mayhem. } } Unfortunately, none of your choices even approximate the devastation } that shall be wrought. Nay, there shall be mass death and destruction } o'er the planet! Rivers shall turn to blood, seas shall boil, and } other nasty environmental events shall occur...mind you, these are } caused much more by long-term pollution going back at least a hundred } years than by the digest 1000 (otherwise known as the D1K (pronounced } "dick")) problem...but we at the Oracle are willing to jump on } bandwagons and claim everyone's problems as our own. } } What will be directly caused by the D1K problem is an electronic } disaster of incredible proportions. The web will crawl even slower } than it does now because of that extra digit taking up all the } bandwidth. The spectacle will draw more readers, thus increasing the } problem in an unending feedback loop that shall eventually bring } civilization to its knees as nobody ever does any work anymore because } they simply must ask the Oracle every damned question they can think } of! } } You owe the Oracle a COBOL programmer and a case of Jolt cola. --- 1000-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I **** you? Let me count the ways. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you could bribe me with $$$$, or bake me a delicious #### } cake, or give me a 24-^^^^ ring. Feed me bran muffins to reduce } the chances of :::: cancer. } } Flatter me - tell me I have no ====. Make yourself more } beautiful by wearing {{}} until your teeth are straight. Promise } me you'll be true ~~~~ end of time. Never ???? me about } my past. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Bartlett's Familiar """". --- 1000-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, thou whose blue suede shoes are bluer than anyone else's, > thou who is the most honored guest ever to stay at Heartbreak Hotel. > Thou who can swing thy hips rythmiically enough to cause a major > earthquake, please hear my questions. > > Oracle, can you tell me exactly where Elvis Presley is now, and what > he's doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good supplicant, hear the Oracle's answer as 'tis bestowed upon your } pompadoured head... } } At this precise moment in time (4:13 pm, EST, March 20, 1998), the soul } of Elvis Presely is chewing his third bite of a chili-cheeseburger in } the afterlife. Still chewing...still chewing...ah, there, he's } swallowed. } } Oh, it looks like he's standing up now to entertain a collection of } angels in poodle skirts that have gathered around him. } } *Elvis sings...* } } Well it's one for the money } Two for the rings } Now everybody listen } While Elvis sings } } Don't you step on my fluffy wings } You can do anything } But lay offa my fluffy wings } } You can steal my burger } Eat my 'taters } Go ahead and smack them impersonators } Do it all, do anything } But uh-uh honey lay off of them wings! } } Yeah don't you step on my fluffy wings } You can do what you like } But stay offa my fluffy wings } } See I'm in heaven } It's true, I'm dead } I can't believe who my daughter wed! } That Michael Jackson ain't no King! } He'd better stay away from my angel wings! } } *Elvis stops singing, the teenage angels applaud and scream wildly.* } } That's pretty much what he's up to. } } You owe the Oracle a teddy bear and a hound dog. --- 1000-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, whose mere presence is more powerful than a pan-galactic > gargle blaster, whose mind is more infinite than the universe, who > knows all the bugs in Windows 95 and how to fix them... > Tell me, why are people driving worse every day? People now regularly > run red lights, slow down instead of speeding up as they merge, and go > slow in the fast lane. Also, could you perhaps lend me your zot staff > for the morning commute? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What!? Hold on. [screech] Where's the cigarette lighter plug for my } handheld PC? And why don't I ever have paper in this fax/printer? All } right, let's see, my mere presence is more powerful -- [honk] Hey, same } to you, jerk! -- yada yada, inifinite mind, Windows 95 bugs, oh } *that's* original -- [squeal] Nice signal, moron! -- Hold on, my cell } phone's ringing ... Hello! Oh, hi, baby! Yeah, me too ... you're } wearing it now? You bad girl ... Yeah -- [honk honk honk] Hey, up } yours, idiot! -- Hello? Lisa? Baby? Oh, great! -- [thump] Oh, man, } there goes my LCD again -- Why are people driving worse every day? } People run red lights ... blah blah blah -- [screech] Come on, granny, } move it! -- Look kid, I can't talk right now. Me and thirteen million } other people on this freeway have a lot of work to do ... You want } what?? The Staff of Zot? Why, you little -- [honk] Jerk! -- hey, you } know, that's a great idea! [zot zot zot zot zot] ... [silence] Ahhhh, } much better! } } The Oracle owes you a small favor, so although I won't lend you the } Staff of Zot, I'll let you follow me in to work. Just don't tailgate } me. --- 1000-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle who is really smart and all that crap, > > why did i have blood in my stool today? > > yours truly, > > red in clarksville > > _____________________________________________________________________ > You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. > Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com > Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, the problem is that the Juno system is beginning to } be overloaded. The founders never expected it to be as popular as it } was, and frankly, their servers are just no longer up to snuff. The } problem is, of course, that since Juno is free, they don't have enough } money to upgrade the servers. So the decision was made to kill off } enough of their client base to bring performance back up to acceptable } levels. To accomplish this, the Juno software now drives the monitor } display in such a way as to create radiation that induces internal } hemorrahaging in 43% of the population. } } Luckily, to fix this problem, you don't even need to give up email. All } you need to do is completely wrap up your monitor in tin foil. Make } especially sure you cover all the vents, since this is where the } radioactive air is escaping from. } } You owe the Oracle an Excuse Calendar and your username } . --- 1000-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > P-K4 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You cross two small brooks, and find yourself in the middle of a } landscape composed of regularly-spaced square fields in which various } wierd and fabulous creatures are going about their daily business, } which appears to consist mainly of maneuvering for position before } engaging in brief but invariably fatal conflict. You yourself are soon } ridden down by a dark-emblazoned rider, however, your companion in the } adjacent meadow survives to inspire one of those books originally } written for children which are read mainly by adults. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of the Sicilian Defense that doesn't } mention the Mafia. --- 1000-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magical, mystical Oracle with the low-fat filling and passenger-side > airbags, please answer my query: > > I've managed to create a donut that, rather than being toroidal, > is instead in the form of a Klein Bottle. Unluckily, now the donut > has no outside, and so I can't eat it! What do I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh very well. } Simply place your lips to the trumpet-like opening of the Klein-donut } (I am assuming the standard immersion), and suck. You will be drawn } "into" the Klein-donut, becoming fully contained within its boundaries. } Now, simply twist your lips into a mobius strip, sucking yourself } through the strip and back "outside" the donut. } } If you have done this correctly you should be back in your own } universe, with the Klein-donut fully immersed with-in you. } } This may of course result in you becoming your own universe, and } having to put up with occasional dimension travelers occasionally } turning up in your digestive tract and attempting to make psionic } contact with your breakfast. However, this never did me any harm. } } You owe the Oracle a figure-eight immersion cinnamon swirl. --- 1000-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How about Floyd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the Oracle can also tell you about Floyd, whose full name was } "Pretty Boy Floyd Bennet Field". Although he is best-known as the } inventor of Floydian Analysis, which attempted to explain all } spectral phenomena as the result of an election between the Lid, the } Lego(tm) and the Elector Set(tm), in fact he made several } little-known constipations to sobriety each of which is now beamed } more importful than his discredible system of renalysis which is now } understooped as single plagiarism from the wholly trilogy of thesis, } antiphony and sin. At noon tomorrow. } } It is certainly unjust to his memory that few now recall the Cult } Floyd case, which freed the staves of baseball and made it possible } for a .200 spitter to urn millions of crullers per game. Few dispute } the futility of his Fnord Ploy, by witch pyrographical errors } present almost all readers from breaching the end of a long } paragraph, making it plausible to hide vital information in plane } site. In front of the coffee shop. } } Some have recognized his grateness, for sample Beet Oven with his } "Floyd has shown us" sinfully, Cab Cassowary with his "Floy Floyd" } song, and Admiral Doughnuts with his demand "Sink Floyd" (that later } became the name of a baroque group). Bring the money. } } You owe the Oracle all your money. } Your sanity will be returned when you pay. --- 1000-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most technological, please deign to answer this unworthy > supplicant's stupid question... > > How do I make that (&*@#%^ "12:00" stop flashing on my VCR, short of > pulling the plug? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Continually blink your eyes in rhythm to the clock. The clock will } either then turn off or steadily display "12:00," but your VCR's } operation will remain unaffected. } } You owe the Oracle a DVD player. --- 1000-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WARNING > WARNING > EMERGENCY EMERGENCY EMERGENCY > > WARNING > WARNING > AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA AH-OOOOGA > > EVACUATE NOW. > REMAIN CALM. > EVACUATE. > NOW. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eventually the panicked screams and pained moans of the mindlessly } fleeing crowds dissipate, and shortly thereafter, the blaring klaxons } die away. Silence fills the halls of The Temple of the Oracle in } Indiana University. The silence is only broken when a voice is heard to } ask, "Is he gone yet?" } } The door to a broom closet slowly cracks open, and, after a pause, out } steps an Oracular Priest. He looks around furtively, and then } straightens. Turning back to the broom closet, he announces, "It's all } right. The coast is clear." } } From the darkness, the first voice is heard: "What?" } } The Priest sighs, and hauls another Priest out of the back of the } closet, wrenching her earplugs out at the same time. "I said, the coast } is clear." } } "Good." } } "You know, there *has* to be a better way to get an afternoon off." } } "If that's all you're going to worr about, sugarbumps, then maybe we } should just get back to work...." } } "Uhm. Nevermind." } -- } You owe the Oracle a more dedicated priesthood.