From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Feb 4 16:43:08 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.15) id QAA27088; Wed, 4 Feb 1998 16:43:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 16:43:08 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199802042143.QAA27088@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #981 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 981 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #981 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 16:43:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 981 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 976 84 votes 3lyga 2aakG 8juj8 8opk7 dlse8 9qCb0 iqod3 ahmgj 1gvr9 28wse 976 3.1 mean 3.1 4.1 3.0 2.9 2.8 2.6 2.5 3.2 3.3 3.5 --- 981-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Sonny die in a ski accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He got yewed, babe. } } You owe The Oracle a furry vest. --- 981-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does binary newsgroup means? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, this is a very subtle question, and you have demonstrated your } insight by correctly using the pluperfect subjunctive in framing it. } Good work, supplicant! } } A "binary newsgroup" is one in which the participants routinely divide } into warring camps, one-half of them taking the affirmative, the other } half assuming the negative. } } In other words, for all practical purposes, all of Usenet is binary. } } You owe the Oracle a very fine twit filter. --- 981-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A dilute peer enema. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes... That's the best kind, I suppose... There must be } something wrong here. Let's try some filters... } } > Date puerile enema. } } No, that can't be right. At least I hope not... } } > A reptile due enema. } } Hmm... } } > I am a peeled tenure! } } No, no, NO! } } > I ape a rude element. } } Yes, we had noticed. But at least you are making sense. Sort } of. Continue... } } > Due eaten, I'm a leper. } > Nude, apt, eerie male, } > deep, elite, urea man. } > Pure, lame detainee. } > Leapt, am eerie nude; } > I am a nude leper tee. } } Umm, yes. Well, I've had worse grovels, if not more bizarre. So what } is your question, supplicant? } } > Emulate ape in deer. } } That's either impossible, illegal, or redundant. Whyever would you } wish to turn graceful, lithe ungulates into massive, hairy primates? } } > I delete ape manure. } } Ahh, and you would rather remove deer manure. I can understand that, I } certainly prefer... Ahem. } } > Team a puerile need. } } Keep your twisted fantasies involving me to yourself, supplicant! I } assure you I have no lean-- } } > Deepen amateur lie. } } I will assume, for your sake, that that was never said. You are well } advised to change the subject, or one of us is going to start } inhabiting a dustpan. } } > Rupee Dementia Ale. } } Finally, something I can get behind! Indeed, a fine brew. Much better } than that 'merkin stuff they try to pass off as beer. I remem-- } } > Deep, male urine tea. } } Umm, yes, American beer *is* bad... } } > Permeate due alien. } } No, it's just bad beer. Has nothing to do with alien conspiracies. } Although J. Edgar Hoover di-- } } > Repeated, alien emu! } } Are you listening, supplicant? I just said } } > Rude, mean, elite ape. } } Huh? You're interrupting me! And talk about your mixed } } > I'm laureate. Deepen. } } One, Two, Three... Okay, but you haven't exactly asked any deep } questions. } } > Deep emulate in ear. } } } } > Urinated ape melee. } } That's it! I've had enough of you! This supplication is over! What } did you say your name was? } } > Peter Emile Nadeau. } } Well, Pete, you may wish to notify your next of kin. Meanwhile... } } You owe The Orac-- } } > Due entire male ape? } } No, dammit, what would I do with an ape? I already said I prefered } de-- Anyway, I just want you to make sense! } } > A deeper, male unite. } } Ugh. *ZOT* --- 981-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, who never has to suffer to stupidity of pointy-haired > bosses, please answer my most humble of questions: > > How does my boss expect me to fill out a self-assessment against > my job description when I have never had a job description? > My performance review is tomorrow morning and any insight would be > greatly appreciated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Job description: n/a } Tasks required: none } } Self-assessment: I have performed tirelessly and perfectly all the } tasks outlined in my job description with a consistently high degree } of speed, accuracy and creativity. I have received no complaints } whatsoever for my work on these tasks, and have caused no bugs, server } crashes, or general protection faults. My work on these tasks has met } the highest standards of quality assurance and Year 2000 } compatibility, and will run with equal excellence on any platform at } all, including the Commodore 64 and ENIAC. } } You owe the Oracle a Y2K-compliant Difference Engine. --- 981-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I will _not_ grant you total immunity before you ask your } question!!! } } You owe the Oracle a good excuse. --- 981-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most timely: > > So, I went in a time machine back to the Mesozoic era and accidentally > stepped on an insect. Everything all right up there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As far as I know, everything's OK here. By the way, what's an insect? } } You owe the Oracle a pollinator. --- 981-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most literary, who is never wanting for a good idea, > > I need to write a sonnet for my English class. But I don't know what to > write about. Any ideas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, of *course* not. I have no ideas whatsoever. Me, the Most } Knowledgeable of Knowledgeable. No ideas *at all*. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not } here. *rolls eyes* } } Supplicant, I think you'd best write about the crush you have on } Sally. No, really. It's the best way to segue into asking her if she } wants to go to Winter Formal with you. Especially after you read it out } loud in class. I know, it's a rather mortifying thought. But what the } heck! You're only 10th graders. The Universe doesn't *totally* revolve } around you, if you can believe it. Trust me; I know these things. } } And after she cruelly dumps you for Robert, three months after the } dance, you'll meet Katy! Whom you'll date for seven years. You'll make } every important decision of your life based on Katy. You'll pick that } dinky state college in Iowa over your dream school (MIT) in order to be } near Katy. You'll major in *Econ*, because Katy majors in *Econ*, so } you can be in the same classes as Katy. You'll spend every waking } moment of your life (and even some of the sleeping ones) with Katy, } those entire seven years. You'll move to Los Angeles because Katy wants } to move to Los Angeles and become an actress, and one day, you'll bend } down on one knee and ask Katy to marry you. } } And when Katy dumps you to marry Benjamin after finding out that he's } the real father of her child, you'll meet Lateesha, the exotic dancer } at the bar across the street from the fast food restaurant you work at! } Every Thursday night, after you've hung your hairnet in for the day, } you'll go to the bar (because that's when Lateesha's there) and you'll } ogle her for hours. For four years. And although you don't know it, } Lateesha is your soul mate, and she notices you every week, and you } become the object of her adoration. The Thursday night you finally } gather the nerve to ask her out on a date, you'll enter the bar only to } find that she's not there. Because Big Cory, the local Mafia chapter } president, has ordered her to be taken out, because, you discover, } Lateesha's really an undercover cop who's been monitoring illicit } activities in the area, and she had just gathered enough evidence to } turn Big Cory in. } } In despair, you'll wander home and plunk yourself in front of the } television, zombie-like. You'll flip through the channels mechanically, } watching the bright images float across the screen. You stop at a news } report with Lateesha's obituary. Angry and depressed, you'll turn to } another station. That station turns out to be showing the Oscars, and } the scene it presents you is of Katy being given the award for Best } Actress, for her work in a highly acclaimed remake of "Gone With the } Wind". In disgust, you'll turn to yet another station, only to find } Sally delivering the State of the Union address. } } Er... on second thought, why don't you write about your pet ducky? } "The brilliant duck doth nobly quacketh so..." } } You owe The Oracle a sonnet on either of the aforementioned subjects. --- 981-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who has more power in his/her/its > little finger than Bill Gates has dollars, answer me: > WHERE HAS THAT FINGER BEEN??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the places that my finger hath been. I cannot recount them } all to you, as that would use up all the time available in your } pitiful human life. You ask about my little finger, and so I shall } not even mention the places my almighty index finger has been, such } as pointing the way forward for the universe after the big bang, and } engraving the Grand Canyon into the landscape of Colorado. But my } little finger has been places and done things you could not imagine. } It stirs the oceans, causing havoc for the local fish populations, } but making the ocean currents the powerful forces they are. It taps } the clouds when they get a bit full, causing rain. It nudges the odd } glacier here and there, causing iceberg formation. It went into my } ear once, when the wax buildup started to bother me. And naturally, } the one everybody knows about, is the infamous asteroid belt. But we } won't go into that in detail. Just leave it said that my little finger } has made good use of the opportunities I have afforded it. } } You owe the Oracle an industrial sized earbud. --- 981-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle Most Wise, > if my life were a movie, > is this is about the right time to go for popcorn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You'll have to wait until it gets interesting. } } You owe the Oracle a commercial break. --- 981-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most rhythmical and lyrical, please inform me, > > During a conversation with a friend, he told that a person of our > mutual aquaintance had composed what he believed to be a wonderful > work of art in poetic form. Unfortunately, he able to recall only the > first four lines of what he assured me was an epic work. They read: > > Eagle, eagle in the sky, > How is it that you fly so high? > "Why," said the eagle, "with wings, of course! > Otherwise I'd be like a horse!" > > Can you tell me, in your wisdom, what the text of the rest of the poem > was? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, those four lines have been a recurring theme in many types } of poetry and song. Since I'm not sure which version you are after, } I'll send you the ending for each one that I have. } } William Shakespeare: } } In sooth, I know not why I fly so high, } Wings carry me; yet cannot carry you. } My equine friend must fail, though he doth try, } And is but destined ever for the plough. } } Nihlist (in free-verse): } } The bird flew over the rotting corpse of the horse. } It landed upon the horse, and picked at the festering flesh. } It was poisened and died horribly. } A bird flew over and landed on it's rotting corpse. } } 50's Mod (picture a guy with a goatee wearing all black): } } Bird bird flap squawk fly up up } Not horse clip-clop-clip-clop burden ground, terra bound, } battleground Injustice, in practice, wing of bird, hoof of steel } Toil before the wheel snap snap } } Heavy-Metal: } } I, will never die, but I will fly, } To the other side. } And, upon the horse, the walking curse, } Of the evil lies. } } Doo-wop: } } There was a bird, and he could fly so high, } And the horse said, how do you do it, guy? } And then they talked, two animals in the glade } Oh what a love-ly, picture they made. } } Psychodelic: } } Picture yourself on a bird; on an eagle, } Over pastures with horses just walking around, } Suddenly someone is there and she's saying, } That bird's so incredibly high. } } Lifted by feathers of white, tan, and brown, } Towering over your head, } Laugh at the horse, with his feet on the ground, } And we're gone. } } Eagle in the sky, with wings on, } Horse is on the ground, walking 'round, } Bird is so, so high, can't be found, } Ahhh-ahhh. } } Country: } } I was driving down the road in my pickup truck, } When I saw an eagle fly and I said "what the heck", } He looked like my ex-wife's old horse only he had wings, } Which reminded me of my prison time and other bad things. } } Trigger, lather up the saddle, ride that horse so hard, } The eagle flies into the sky, so we must be on guard, } And if you win you get this bag of oats, woven from gold, } And if you lose that eagle gets your foal. } } The eagle bowed it's beak because it knows when it's been beat, } And laid that golden oat-sack on the ground at trigger's feet. } Trigger said "You can come on back, if you ever want to race } again, 'Cause I've beat you once, you feathered fiend, and I'll } beat you once again!" } } You owe the Oracle a faster horse, some birdseed, and a diamond for } Lucy. } } (Oracle incarnated as hinzd@med.ge.com)