From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 8 13:51:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id NAA03836; Thu, 8 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 8 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199801081851.NAA03836@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #971 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 971 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #971 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 8 Jan 1998 13:51:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 971 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 966 101 votes 4grK8 7oDo7 55uDm 6dmAo 3oDr8 6hFs9 5iotp 2hzyd 5mwx9 97ktA 966 3.4 mean 3.4 3.0 3.7 3.6 3.1 3.2 3.5 3.4 3.2 3.8 --- 971-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if a fisherman catches nothing for a few years, is he still a > fisherman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. He's also well on his way to becoming a Zen Master. --- 971-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most groovy and spiffy, who breaks the laws of physics on a > daily basis, which of the following phrases in an Oracularity > guarantees it digestion? > > a) "Hoi, Zadoc!" > b) "About ten cords." > c) "The top 101 things to do with..." > d) "How can I get a date with Caramia?" > e) "Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts..." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, you seem to have forwarded me the wrong list. You sent } me the answers to your general education mid-term. As a reminder, the } questions were: } } A) What does a Frenchman say when discovering long-lost documentation } for his computer? } B) What does a typical grunge guitarist know? } C) What was the sequel to the book "The Joy of Elipses?" } D) Explain a good use of Microsoft Schedule. } E) What is the ingredient list for a Twinkie? } } You owe the Oracle a number two pencil, sharpened. --- 971-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and wonderful, please tell me, > does glass flow at room temperature? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Inquisitor, } } Indeed, glass does flow at room temperature. If you } go to the cathedrals in France, which have been with us } for many trips around the sun, you'll find slight pools } of glass at the bottom of the panes, and a thinner portion of } glass at the top of the panes. Further, the secret } of great glaziers is that glass at room temperature } is not a solid, it is only a liquid lacking viscosity. } If one walks slowly enough, one can walk through glass. } When you go through a revolving door at one of these upscale } hotels in the big cities, you're actually walking through } glass, even though it appears that the glass is rotating } around you. --- 971-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > alt.wise.oracle.sees-all.knows-all.tells-most, > > alt.irritating.situations.explain:.expound:.express: > alt.at.command-prompt.compell.desire.want > alt."elvis".command.type.execute.press-enter-for > alt.%.prompt.replies:.answers:.says: > alt.lame."elvis: no such file or directory".(cry.weep.moan) > > alt.simple.questions.plead!.entreat!.beg! > alt."elvis".command.supply?.know-of?.give? > alt."elvis".compulsion.remove?.take-away?.help? > > alt.advance.thanks.extended!.given!.offered! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } rec.humor.oracle } alt.elvis.sighting } comp.editors } gnu.emacs } alt.internet.talk.bizarre } alt.usenet.kooks } alt.flame } alt.annoying.supplicant.zot.zot.zot } comp.security.firewalls } alt.support.headaches.migraine } alt.owe.oracle.bottle.asprin --- 971-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most fiscally first-rate, my accountant says I should plan for > retirement by investing in the IRA. But I don't see how supporting a > terrorist organization will help pay my expenses in 30 years. Can you > explain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your accountant is very wise. The IRA has a very good track record of } fund management and should provide an excellent return on your } investment. } } Here are some of the highlights of the IRA Fund over the past 20 years: } } - cornered the Semtex market } - strong links with the Libyan government (which gives them } an inside-track on oil development in North Africa, } not to mention biological weapon development and the } lucrative pan-Arab cross-dressing market) } - excellent results in raising money among drink-sodden } Americans of Irish descent in Boston (where } Irish-Americans have descended, indeed) } - development of van-mobile mortars (still a few bugs to work } out, though) } } Plus, they keep their personnel costs low by "retiring" senior } executives by shooting them through the knees. Much cheaper than gold } watches. } } I would suggest, however, that you instruct your accountant to look } into diversifying your investment by buying into TMFs (Terrorist } Mutual Funds). The Asian TMF, for example, includes the Khmer Rouge, } Patet Lao, Karen (strong pharmaceutical positions, there!), Aum } Shinrikyu (very advanced chemical research) and the Hong Kong tongs } (not, strictly-speaking, terrorist groups, but they are cash-rich } and very effective). There is some talk about including the People's } Liberation Army of the People's Republic of China in the Asian TMF, } because of their low labor costs and their strong ties with the } American president. } } I would stay away from the South American TMF; the Shining Path } segment of the fund has shown a decline in recent years. } } The Middle East TMF is also declining. The PLO segment, while showing } a strong (40%+) rake-off of government funds, has an aging, moribund } senior executive. Even the previously-high-earning Ba'ath segment } of the fund has become mired in a take-over bid with a neighboring } country during the past 6 years and shows little promise for doing } more than concerning itself with poison pills. } } So, my advice is to divide your investments more-or-less equally } between the IRA and the Asian TMF. } } You owe the Oracle a tip on when to go short on Bosnian Futures. --- 971-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please Oh Great Oracle Whose Breath Is Always Minty Fresh: > > What is "it" when people ask "What time is it?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The "it" referred to in the question is how many minutes until the next } screening of "The People's Court" } } Many people whan asked this question incorrectly answer with the } current time. A more accurate way to answer "What time is it" is } demonstrated by Dustin Hoffman in the Academy Award Winning film "Rain } Main" where Ray, the character played by Mr. Hoffman, often answers the } question when it is not asked: "It's 20 minutes to Wapner" --- 971-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omniscient Oracle, please satisfy the curiosity of this most > unworthy supplicant, who deserveth not even to think upon thy > magnificence but for thine unbounded benevolence, > > What is the most intriguing question you will be asked this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten most intriguing questions to be asked of the Oracle in 1998 } } 10."> Was it Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Lead Piping?" } (An interesting game of intrigue for mortals, Cluedo however is very } boring when you're omniscient.) } } 9. "> How much wood, etc." } !!!! (The intrigue lies in the the quest for the perfect Zotting } technique) } } 8. "> " } (see 9.) } } 7. Anything to do with crossword puzzles. } } 6. Anything relating to political and sexual machinations in the } eighteen century French court. } } 5. } (this item intentionally left blank - to arouse a sense of mystery } and intrigue.) } } 4. "> Why, on the one hand, are most Hollywood movies so lame, yet on } the other hand still so popular?" } (A very tricky question, even for an all-knowing immortal.) } } 3. "> Will the Oracle survive the imminent Digest-1000 problem?" } } 2. "> How many different ways can you pleasure Lisa?" } (VERY intriguing ... this will require a large amount of practical } research ... better start now ... I may be some time ... ZADOC - } FINISH OFF THIS LIST!! ) } } [pause] } } 1. Hmmmm, I wonder what happens if I press this bu --- 971-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, please forgive my lack of a grovel but I`m rapidly > running out of air and I need you to .......help....... me..... to .... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, Dr. Wolf. More problems on Mir? Very well, at least this } one is easy to solve. Get into your EVA suit; that will give you } a little more time. Okay. Now go to the Kvant-2 module, replace } the air filters in the life support systems, and turn the } recirculation pumps on HIGH. Within a few minutes, you should } have breathable air again. } } Now, this time, it's your own fault. Glasnost is a nice idea, } but there are some aspects of culture that just don't mix. } Come on, Dave, you don't have to be an omniscient being to know } that a dinner of boiled cabbage, broccoli and baked beans would } have disastrous results in a confined space... } } You owe the Oracle a request to open the pod bay doors. --- 971-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, that's a toughie...... OK, it's a Stegosaurus with no legs } up against a wall, right? Or it's a top-down view of Eccentrica } Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon 6 facing to the } right? It's a mad scientist's attempt to fuse one Pacman onto the } head of another and then saw the combination in half just in front of } the eyes? No, hang on, I've got it.............it's another supplicant } who knows I'm omnipotent and can therefore read their thoughts, and } so just can't be arsed to type out their question, right? Well, what } if I just can't be arsed to type out an answer, huh? What if I don't } actually know what their question is? Just because I'm omniscient, } it doesn't mean I know EVERYTHING, y'know! } } (Zadoc reaches for dictionary, finds relevant page and coughs } discreetly) } } Well, OK, so it does, alright......Damn! That's that excuse out of the } window......but have you ever actually read a human mind? No, of course } you haven't, or you'd be me, and I'm me, so who the hell are you, huh? } That's right, NOBODY! And let me tell you, right, reading human brains } is NOT fun. All that angst, insecurity and rampant primeval lust buried } right down there in your psyches - I tell you, Freud didn't know } the half of it! And do you know what is right down at the bottom? } Right deep down? Past the Subconscious, past the Unconscious? } Seeing as I'm in a bad mood, I'll tell you..................it } reads - "IMPORTANT ! Read the following End User License Agreement } (EULA) carefully before installing the Brainware. Installing the } Brainware implies that you have read this EULA and agree to all of } its terms......................" and so on....... } } Have a nice day. } } You owe The Oracle a bit of consideration next time. Or failing that, } a polite New Yorker. --- 971-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most WYSE, > may I ASCIIou a question? > What is so UNIXue about you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, I am not among the UNIX! Ask LISA. } } You owe the Oracle an antidote to pun fallout.