From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 13 19:26:15 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.14) id TAA02479; Sat, 13 Dec 1997 19:26:15 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 19:26:15 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199712140026.TAA02479@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #966 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 966 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #966 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 19:26:15 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 966 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 961 102 votes hxwh3 5bxvm 3kHs8 27BL9 2cvFg 5DAi4 biBpb 3eDyc 1dKwa 6srx8 961 3.2 mean 2.6 3.5 3.2 3.5 3.6 2.8 3.1 3.4 3.4 3.1 --- 966-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle...who believes women are as equal as men...please tell me.. > > Sometimes being a woman, I am taken advantage of at the repair > place where I get my car fixed... I took it in last week for an > oil change and I was told my blinker fluid needed to be replaced > and the gaskets changed... the price was $350.00. So I went ahead > and had them do the work but I can't help wondering if they > over charged me for the blinker fluid... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm afraid that $350.00 is about right. That's what you have to } expect if you have a car with power blinkers. Remember, you have four } blinkers, plus the hazard lights. That's not only a lot of fluid, but } lots of gaskets as well. If you had manual (or "standard") blinkers, } the bill would probably have only run $100.00 or $150.00, but, then, } you'd have to keep moving the turn signal knob to make the continuous } blinking. } } What bothers me is that the mechanics obviously didn't check the radio } batteries and refill the kerosene in the heater. Both of those usually } have to be done about the time blinker fluid needs to be topped up. } Sure, it's another $750.00, but you want to have your radio and heater } work, don't you? } } You owe the Oracle a trip to Orrie's Car Repair. It's on Gratiot, just } north of 10 Mile Road. Bring cash. Lots of cash. --- 966-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather empty. Help spice > !!! things up for everyone and do tellme's instead of askme's. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want spice? I'll give you spice! } } Okay, you asked for it. . . } } * * * } } Announcer: It's time** once again for HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ORRIE! } } (thunderous (if canned) applause) } } Announcer: And here's your host-for-the-day, Zadoc Lawrence! } } (thunderous silence) } } Zadoc: Hi. I'm Zadoc. I'm filling in for my Most Grand and Exalted } Master today because our guests today are the Spice Girls, and My } Wonder of Wonders, and Oracle of Oracles, whose taste is as } impeccable as Woody Woodpecker, was not about to sully his Divine } and Elegant Hands, or Eyes, or Mouth, by associating with, } looking at, or talking to such creatures. So I'd just like to } say that it's a great honour to be here, and to get to attempt to } fill in for The One for Whom No One Can Fill In, and to bask in } the glory of-- } } Announcer: Get on with it, Zadoc. } } (thunderous applause) } } Zadoc: But I'm not yet through snivelling about the greatness of my most } Supreme and Mighty Ubermensch! } } Announcer: I'm sure he's satisfied. } } Zadoc: It's true that he his a Most Humble and Gracious Master. But I-- } } Announcer: No buts, Zadoc. It's time to meet our guests. } } Zadoc (blanching): But I-- } } Announcer: And here, ladies and gentlemen, are THE SPICE GIRLS! } } (thunderous applause) } } Zadoc: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please, Master, have pity! I know it's you up in } the announcer booth, come to watch me writhe in agony! So I ran } off with Lisa! *That's* not a big deal. . .you do it all the } time! The punishment doesn't fit the crime! } } Vapid Spice Girl: Hi, Zaydoak! } } Inane Spice Girl: Yo, Zaddie! } } Vacuous Spice Girl: How's the ZAD?!? } } Fatuous Spice Girl: 'Ello, Zadoc! } } Addlepated Spice Girl: Don't you have a more. . .dashing older brother? } } Zadoc: AAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs screaming from the studio) } } * * * } } Okay, supplicant, so you won't get much spice today. But then, I have } to spice things up for everyone, so you couldn't have expected that } you'd get much per capita. But then, I suppose I'll have to forcibly } expose *all* my foolish little supplicants to the Spice Girls to do } that. MU HA HA HA! } } Oh! Is that your doorbell I hear? You'd best go answer it. Have fun, } mortal. } } * * * } } You owe the Oracle a grovel and a decent musical ensemble--the } Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, say. } } * * * } } ** No, supplicant, I'm not going to stoop so low as to say "it's thyme } once again." I'm not Richard Wilson, after all. --- 966-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is more vast than that of a snow globe. > > What would life be like, if Christmas occurred 365 days a year. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Year } (1) Everybody moves back in with parents or grandparents to avoid } impossible travel expenses--suicide rates soar, birthrates } decline; } Year } (2) Temporary economic boom (centered on retail sales, and } artificial snow futures) fizzles when non-Christian, } trinket-producing nations take over the global economy; } Year } (3) Inflation reaches staggering proportions: everyone working on } Christmas gets time-and-a-half, a postage stamp costs $17.23; } Year } (4) Folks so sick of Elves that a Flak Jacket becomes THE cherished } fashion item for short people; } Year } (5) The last copy of "It's a Wonderful Life" is located and } destroyed by a delirious, chanting mob; } Year } (6) Persons named Mary, Marie, Nicholas, Klaus, etc. are universally } shunned, Bing Crosby's grave desecrated for 11th time; } Year } (7) The only remaining Postal Worker constructs 3-story fortress } using undelivered fruit cakes and catalogs -- it collapses and } kills her; } Year } (8) Pine Trees and Spruces and Firs (Oh MY!) declared extinct in the } Western hemisphere; } Year } (9) Constitutional Amendment outlawing Salvation Army bellringing } is passed unanimously by every state legislature; } Year } (10) Craig Shergold, the kid with cancer, e-mails just about everyone } to say: "Enough cards, already". } } You owe the Oracle a half pound of Raindeer Jerky. --- 966-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip > That started from a tropic simulation on a chip > The mate was a miserable little worm, the skipper was all-seeing > Five supplicants sent mail that day to an omniscient being, > an omniscient being > The routers started getting rough, the packets all were tossed > If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Tellme would be lost, > the Tellme would be lost > The mail arrived at the shore of this uncharted digital isle > With Zadoc, the Oracle too > The Bill-ionaire and his wife > The movie star > The professor and Lisa Ann > Here on Zadoc's Isle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (We see Zadoc, whistling and walking down a tropical path, as the last } of the credits roll.) } Directed by: The Internet Oracle } Gaffer: What's a gaffer? } Special Guest Star: Jean-Paul Sartre } } Cut to the Gate's hut, complete with two door bamboo garage. } Zadoc: Hi Mr. Gates. } Gates: Howell, my boy, call me Mr. Howell. Especially if anyone from } the IRS happens to ask. (laugh track) How are you my boy, did } you bring my golf bag? } Zadoc: Oh, sure Mr. Howell. Boy, I sure do have a lot of work to do. } Gates: Zadoc, my boy, you must work smart, not hard! Why, my coconut } 3.1 will do half your work for you! } Zadoc: Really, Mr. Howell? Oh, wow, I wish I had a coconut 3 point } thing, I really do. } Gates: I tell you what, If you'll do half my work, I'll give it to } you. } Zadoc: Oh, wow, thanks Mr. Howell! (takes coconut. Looks at it, } shakes it.) Uh, It's not working, Mr. Howell. } Gates: Really? Well, half of my chores are done, so it worked for me. } (laugh track) But you can't worry about that now, Zadoc, } you've got work to do! Off you go! } Zadoc: But, butbut, but... Oh gee, I gotta go. (laugh track) } } Cut to the professor and Ginger, at the observation post. } Ginger: Look, Professor! A banana! } Prof: No, Ginger, I'm just happy to see you. But look, out there! } It's a boat! It's coming towards shore! } (A wet man in one of those funny french hats walks into camera view) } Prof: Why, it's Jean-Paul Sartre, founder of the existentialism move- } ment. It's a good thing I speak french. Bon jour, je } m'appelle Proffeseur. } Jean: Uh, what? Make sense, you pompous ass. } Prof: Oh, certainly. We are very glad to see you. We seem to be } stuck on this island, and would be very glad if you could give } us a ride to the nearest port. } Jean: Oh, man, my agent is SO fired. Who is this lovely young thing } your with? } Ginger: Oh, hi, I'm Ging- } Jean: Ginger! Oh man, I'm a huge fan. Oh wow, you were in "The Loin } King"! Remember that scene where- } Ginger: YES! Yes, I'm always glad to meet a fan. Hey, can you get us } off this island, you handsome man? } Jean: What, now? I just got here. I wanna rest a little. Unless } you want to... } Ginger: Let's introduce him to the others, Professor. } } Cut to hut interior, with Oracle swinging in the hammock. Lisa Ann } runs in, closely followed by Zadoc. } Oracle: Lisa, my love, I've been- oh. Hi Zadoc. } Zadoc: Oh come on, Lisa Ann, this coconut will do half your work. Hi } Skipper. } Lisa: Look, Zadoc, I've already got two coconuts, and I don't need } another one. } Oracle: Tell you what, Zadoc, I'll sell you my coconut 95. It'll do } three quarters of your work. All you have to do is all my work. } (Ginger, the Professor, and Jean-Paul enter.) } Ginger: Look everyone- } Oracle, Zadoc, and Professor: Ooooh. Aaaah. } Ginger: No, look, this is Jean-Paul, and he has a bout that can take us } home. } Lisa: YAY! } Zadoc: YAY! } Oracle: boo. } Zadoc: I'll go get Mr. and Ms. Howell (exits) } Prof: What do you mean boo? } Oracle: Why would I want to leave? I haven't had this long a vacation } since the mail server blew up. (polishing his staff) Power } surges do funny things. } Lisa: Well, I for one am dying to get off this island. It's awful } here. It's like we're stuck in an empty room for eternity, } constantly torturing each other. } Jean: Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back. } Prof: I don't think it's really that bad. Of course a small peer } group like this is going to have a lot of friction, but- } Zadoc: I'm back with the Howells. Hey, where's Jean-Paul? } Oracle: DOH! } } Cut to cast, sitting around radio. } Lisa (to Zadoc) :I can't believe he left without us, and based his } play on our plight. } Zadoc (to Professor) :I can't believe you can't fix a stupid hole in a } boat. } Professor (to Ginger):I can't believe that Star Trek: Voyager stole our } premise. } Oracle(to supplicant):I can't believe you made me do this stupid } parody. } } You owe the Oracle another week on the island. I've almost got Lisa } to agree to help Ginger reproduce that scene in 'Humpback of Nota Dame' --- 966-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, please answer me this. I often hear > the first line of a poem: > > There once was a man from Nantucket... > > But the teller is then sushed up by other people > in the room. How does the rest of the poem go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your confusion arises from your perception of this as the first } line of the poem. In actuality, the phrase that puzzles you spans the } first two lines of one of Edgar Allen Poe's early attempts at haiku: } } There once was a man } From Nantucket - Curs'd was he } As was his family } } Of course, these haikus were mediocre at best, and most Poe } scholars prefer not to have them mentioned. Despite the mediocrity of } these poems, however, some good came from them. Later in life, Poe } successfully pilfered these haiku for ideas for some of his best works. } The above haiku, for instance, transformed into "The Fall of the House } of Usher." The haiku } } Fire is almost out } The raven squawks and cackles } Lenore is distant } } gave us the work we know today as "The Raven." } } From the reaction your friends are giving to the recitation of } Poe's haiku, it is obvious that you seem to hang around quite a few } people who have devoted their life to the study of Edgar Allen Poe, and } do not wish to be reminded of these "inferior works." If this is so, I } have a few suggestions to make: } Firstly, you might wish to leave the English Department once in a } while. Get some air. Listen to some rock music. Watch "Seinfeld" or } "Friends." The fact that you seem to have discovered the Internet is a } promising sign - I may still be able to turn you away from becoming a } literary scholar and towards becoming an normal, productive, } brain-numbed member of society. Write me back in a month or so, and } we'll see how it's going. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Free Verse of William Shakespeare" } (unabridged version.) --- 966-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mellifluous, majestic, multi-homed, multi-threaded, mighty, meaty, > masterful, malleable, molybdmantic Oracle. > > How can I tell if my current relationship (less than 2 months after > the last one) is serious or just a rebound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Girlfriend: } } As a general rule, *any* current relationship that happens less than 2 } months after the last one is a rebound. The one consistent exception } is when the duration of the last relationship was shorter than the } intervening time period. A few other helpful indicators: } } If you notice his wonderful qualities, it's serious. } If you only notice those qualities which compare favorably to your } ex's, it's rebound. } } If you think he's the greatest guy you have ever met, it's serious. } If you think he's a marginally better alternative to spending Saturday } nights alone with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and "A Room with a View" on } video, it's rebound. } } If you met him when you were walking your dog at the park, it's } serious. If you met him when your best friend fixed you up on a blind } date with one of her brother's drinking buddies in a desperate attempt } to get your mind off your messy breakup with your ex, it's rebound. } } If you enjoy going to new places with him on dates, it's serious. } If you carefully plan your dates to go to places where you think your } ex might see the two of you together, it's rebound. } } If your girlfriends all tell you that they want to meet him so they can } give their approval, it's serious. } If your girlfriends continue to try to fix you up with other guys, it's } rebound. } } If he wants you to meet his parents, it's serious. } If he tells you that he can't see you this weekend because it's his } turn to have the kids and he doesn't think that they can handle him } having a girlfriend, it's rebound. } } Good luck, and happy hunting. } } You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding. Doesn't matter which } one. --- 966-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Master Oracle, > > When I buy a 10 cent candy bar, I only > get 1/10th of what I expect to get. Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Su } say that } used to } investme } At first } air bubb } fraction } 3 Musket } cardboar } shrank e } trays al } } And that } } You owe --- 966-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > Oh Mighty Oracle, Sage of Scooby, Doyen of Doo. > > May I be presumptuous and ask more than one question at a time?? > (Doh there goes one question already), it's just certain things have > been troubling me for a while now, I'm loosing sleep over it. > > 1. Why did Scooby Doo ever let Scrappy doo in on the deal? > > 2. What is it in Scooby Snacks that makes Scooby prefer them over > Shaggys special sandwiches? Are they addictive? > > 3. How come Scrappy can talk and Scooby can't? (is it psychoactive > drugs in the Scooby Snacks if so where do you buy them?) > > 4. Why do Scooby and Shaggy always end up together even though they > are the biggest cowards and always end up in the kitchen where they > are invariably accosted by the ghost/monster/guy in a rubber mask? > Surely it would be easier to just stake out the kitchen?? > > 5. Why don't they just go down to the local novelty shop and see who > has bought rubber masks lately? > > 6. Why does Thelma always loose her glasses? > > 7. Just what is it about Daphne that makes her soo damned hot?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Impertinence, indeed! That was seven questions. However, your grovel } was acceptable, and your payment will be commensurate with the answer. } } 1. It's always wise to have a young puppy around to distract the } monster while you make your getaway. } } 2. Methamphetamine. Yes. } } 3. Scrappy had the same voice trainer as Whitney Houston. Scooby had } the same voice trainer as Barbara Walters. } } 4. Scooby and Shaggy always end up together, sometimes with Thelma when } they split up. Scooby, Shaggy and Thelma always check out the } kitchen, while Fred and Daphne check out the bedroom. Frankly, I } think Fred should be powering up on Scooby snacks ahead of time. } } 5. The novelty shop owner usually ends up being one of the crooks in } these episodes. } } 6. Because it would be really tasteless to have Daphne losing her } dress. } } 7. Looks, style, wit, and brains? She's got it all... no, wait... } Well, one out of four isn't bad. My personal theory: a lot of guys } have a thing for redheads. Her hair is a little closer to traffic } barrel orange, but no one's perfect. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber mask, a Chop Suey dinner, a Casey Casem } autographed shirt like Shaggy used to wear, a van caught in a paint } factory explosion, and a scooby snack. Lisa and I have to check } something out. --- 966-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most pious, impervious purveyor of perfection; thou pleroma of > power; promoter of perspicuity and philanthropy; peruser of praise and > prostration; and perpetrator of poor puns, and, er... no, pitch that > last one. > > How many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? > Is it possible to pick peppers which were previously pickled? > Perhaps Peter purloined a peck of previously picked pickled peppers! > Or was it Peter who was pickled, opposed to the peppers, thereby > perverting the plot? > Possibly Peter picked the peppers planning to pickle them post-haste? > Was this, perchance, the same Piper who spirited away our progeny in a > parody of a parade when we wouldn't pay him for ridding our province of > pests? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PIPER } } A new film } by Oliver Stone } } In this powerful portrayal, Oliver Stone uncovers another pestilence of } propaganda, exposing the popular preconception of the Peter Piper plot } as a perfectly paranoid promotion. Who was Peter Piper? How could } public view of his painful past have been prevented? And what were the } possible truths behind his passionately pickled peppers? } } In the tradition of JFK, Nixon, and any other public persona purposely } proposed to be part of some paranoid plot, now the private parts of the } Piper story can be made public. Perpetrate a peek at a playhouse near } you. } } You owe the Oracle some paper towels and a fresh bottle of screen } cleaner. --- 966-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Og get message! Og told by Or-a-kle that Og get digested! > > Og not want be digested! Og father be digested by big lizard! Og father > big pile of lizard poop! Og not want be digested! That hurt Og! > > How Og stop Or-a-kle Priests from digesting Og in future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thag here. Oracle say Thag prob'ly not mess up Og question too bad. } } Thag not see Og bash head with rock. Thag not see Og throw dirt on } head. Thag say, Og hit self with spiky club until eyes go black. Thag } answer Og question anyway. Thag nice guy. Thag feel bad for Og } father. } } Thag present Top Many Way Og Not Get Digested. } } Many) Og grovel better. Og not get zot, priests get bored. } Many) Og ask stupid question, not funny. This one easy. } Many) Og send question "beavis". Thag not know either, but it work. } Many) Og get Aborigine On-Line account. } Many) Og tell Oracle Og name "B1FF". } Some) Og ask boring question. } Some) Og go back, use Neanderthal spelling. } Few) Og not make list. Priests like lists. Thag take big risk for Og } here. } Two) Og stay far from box-with-pictures. Priests geeks. Like box-with- } pictures question. } } And number one way Og not get digested: } } One) Og ask Oracle woodchuck question. Not get digested. Get zot } though. } } Og owe Thag many giant lizard. Thag like get digested.