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Subject: Internet Oracularities #957
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=== 957 ==================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #957
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 8 Nov 1997 18:57:07 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    957
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

952 102 votes  4dtDh 4nBw6 3rJk7 2oGmc 7jwvd 6jAva 8hCrc 5jKq6 8iGs6 75pDq
952  3.2 mean   3.5   3.1   3.0   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.7

--- 957-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> The Cask of Amontillado.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I take pity on you, because you work for IBM.  I know that the
} greysuited are poor grovellers.
}
} Although you had to conceal it to get it past the censors I understand
} your question, "the cask of Armonk till ado?"  suggests that you
} struggle still against the living tomb that is IBM.  Perhaps you feel a
} bit walled in  - You aren't ready to die for IBM.  It seems unfortunate
} they captured you in your drunken youth and now then when it is too
} late you find yourself sober and screaming in some basement somewhere?
}
} Well good for you.  I think you know the answer to your question
} though. It is too late!  Yes!  Hahahaha!  Quoth the reaven, "Evermore!"
}
} The oracle is only joking and suggests you leave IBM ASAP.

--- 957-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Avedon" <avedon@usa.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> (I decided to put a whole bunch on *one*
> email instead of wasting time typing out a bunch.)
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis
> beavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavisbeavis.
> . . . . .TO INFINITY!!!
>
> HA       HA            HA             HA              HA             HA
>               HA
>       HA          HA              HA             HA            HA
>       HA.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Orrie looks at Zadoc with a look of horror.>
}
} <Zadoc looks at Orrie with a look of horror.>
}
}         ####### ####### #######
}  #   #       #  #     #    #     #   #
}   # #       #   #     #    #      # #
} #######    #    #     #    #    #######
}   # #     #     #     #    #      # #
}  #   #   #      #     #    #     #   #
}         ####### #######    #
}
} "Huh, huh, that was cool."

--- 957-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What has it gots in its pocketses, my precioussssss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a rainy afternoon in the City of Angels. I was sitting in my
} fifth-floor office, watching the grime on the window get smeared by
} the smog-saturated raindrops. I hadn't had a client in three weeks
} and I was broke. The rent hadn't been paid in two months and the
} landlord was getting snarly. I was, too.
}
} My feet were up on the desk and I had a lit Camel in one fist and
} a glass of Wild Turkey in the other. I may be broke, but it doesn't
} mean that I have to drink cheap bourbon. As I leaned back in my chair,
} I could see the gold letters on the frosted glass of my office door:
} "ROTAGITSEVNI ETAVIRP ,ELCARO TENRETNI".
}
} I was just thinking about packing it in for the day and seeing if I
} could interest Lisa in a couple of steaks -- her treat -- and some
} serious cuddling when the door opened. A small, thin, sallow-faced guy
} in a long, dirty, threadbare raincoat slunk into the office. He had
} shifty eyes. I casually swung my feet off my desk and sat up straight.
} Putting the drink down on the scarred wood, I allowed my hand to
} drift down and make sure that the .45 strapped to the kneewell was
} still in place, and still cocked. I didn't like the look of this guy.
}
} I liked it even less when he spoke. "Is it Sssssammmm Sssspade,
} my precioussss? No, it'sssss not! It'sssss the Oracle..."
}
} "That's right, Mac. The Internet Oracle. What can I do for you?"
}
} One thin, bony hand came out of the raincoat. His fingers had webbing.
} This was seriously weird. One long skeletal finger pointed at me.
}
} "I wantsssss it back, my preciousssssss..."
}
} "Lose something?"
}
} "I wantsssss it back..." he repeated.
}
} "Look, Bud, I can't help you unless you give me more information.
} What's missing?"
}
} "My preciousssssssss," he hissed. I would as soon as plugged this
} freak as soon as listened to any more silibants, but a gig was a gig.
} Besides, I was tired of corn flakes for dinner. So, I tried one
} more time.
}
} "Look, guy... what's your name?"
}
} He swallowed. Hard. Loud. It was going to be one of those clients.
} I tried another tack.
}
} "My fee is a sawbuck a day, plus expenses. *I* decide the expenses.
} A C-note down; you get your change back -- if there is any change --
} at the end of the case. Now, I'll ask again: What's missing?"
}
} "My precioussssss..."
}
} So, he wanted me to track dowm some broad who'd run out on him. Sure.
} Why not? Any dame in her right mind would run like hell from a wierdo
} like this guy.
}
} "Okay, Mac. Sure, I can find her. What does she look like?"
}
} "You're gold, aren't you, my precioussssss?"
}
} A blonde, eh? Yeah, I could see it, now.
}
} "Height?"
}
} "Sssssmall..."
}
} "Thin?"
}
} "Round...."
}
} A little dumpy broad? Why not?
}
} "When did you last see her?" I asked.
}
} Instead of answering, the little freak let out a loud, high-pitched
} wail.  I'd head that sound once before, on the beach at Iwo Jima, when
} my best friend caught a bullet in the belly. It's not a sound I like.
}
} Just then, the phone rang. The suddenness almost made me jump out of
} my skin. I snatched up the receiver, keeping one hand free to grab
} the .45 if the freak made a move while I was on the horn.
}
} "Oracle," I barked.
}
} "Orrie, it's Captain Gandalf."
}
} Great. My day was turning out just swell. Capt. Gandalf was a hard-nose
} cop out of Central Division.
}
} "Whadda ya want, Captain?"
}
} "We have a lead on a jewelry heist."
}
} "What's that to me?" The freak had stopped screaming and was watching
} me with eyes the color of oatmeal. Both hand were back in his pockets.
} I didn't like it. At all.
}
} "The gang has been hitting places all up and down the coast. Strange
} thing is, they're passing up all sorts of loot. They're picky: They
} only take one thing."
}
} "Yeah? What's that?"
}
} "Rings. Gold rings."
}
} "So? I'll ask again: What's that to me?"
}
} "We think they may contact you to try to find one ring, the one
} that'll complete the set."
}
} Gold. Small. Round. It was beginning to come together.
}
} "There a reward?" I asked, as casually as someone with a taste for
} fine bourbon and a Thunderbird budget can get away with.
}
} "Yeah. Five big ones."
}
} I whistled softly. "That's a lot of green. What's the description of
} the perps?"
}
} "Small, kinda fat. Here's the weird thing. They usually goes barefoot.
} Witnesses say that they've got hairy feet."
}
} "Hairy feet?" I could see the freak stiffen at that phrase.
}
} "That's all we got, Orrie. You get any guy like that come in and
} start talking about gold rings, gimme a call. We'll split the reward."
}
} Bastard. More like, split my skull and take all the reward.
}
} "Sure, Captain. I'll give you a call."
}
} I hung up. The freak hadn't moved, but he hadn't taken his hands out
} of his pockets, either. I leaned forward.
}
} "Look, Mac, I've got a proposition. You're looking for a ring. Now,
} *I'm* looking for a ring. Let's head down to Joe's and I'll buy you
} a cup of coffee. We'll talk it over. Maybe we can come to some sort
} of arrangement."
}
} The freak grinned. I tried not to shudder. This guy hadn't brushed
} his teeth since Roosevelt -- the first one -- was president.
}
} I grabbed my hat and held the door open for the freak. This was going
} to be an interesting evening after all. Lisa would just have to wait.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of "Tales of Middle Earth" as written
} by Jane Smiley.

--- 957-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> To:oracle@cs.indiana.edu (The Internet Oracle)
> From:iso@9001.com (Interdimensional Standards Oracle)
> Subject:Sol III (Earth)
>
> Dear Mr. I. Oracle,
>
> I have completed my appraisal of your work on the planet known as
> earth. My observations follow:
>
> 1. Organic life
> Good concept, but a bit sloppy. This will need some tidying up before I
> can grant you an ISO9001 certificate. Specifically:
> a) sex:   Once again, good concept, but a bit sloppy. Too much leakage,
> and totally unbalanced drives between the genders: turn up the female
> sex drive a few notches, tighten up the orifice seals and you're onto a
> winner here. b) hair:  Nice idea, but a couple of bugs to iron out,
> namely: it tends to fall out after a while, and grow back in the most
> unlikely places. Toggle switches for each bodily area wouldn't go
> amiss.
> c) flatulence: This is totally unacceptable. Remove this feature at
> once.
> d) intoxicating substances: a wonderfully innovative and remarkably
> successful experiment. You might want to tone down the negative effects
> of over-indulgence a bit, but an otherwise splendid effort. Well done!
> e) duck-billed platypus: What the hell were you on? (see d)
> f) sentience: A radical idea, granting sentience (of a sort) to mortal
> beings, but my colleagues and I are willing to await the outcome before
> deciding to allow it in future biospheres
> g) children: Install an off switch on all future models, or your
> licence will be revoked.
> h) dinosaurs: A certificate cannot be granted until you have tidied up
> after yourself.
> i) STD's: You really are an evil-minded bastard, aren't you?
> j) death: This is a bit final isn't it?
> k) giraffe: What the hell were you on? (see d)
>
> 2. Scenery
> Mostly excellent, but you left toomany rocks lying around various
> places. It was a good idea to pile them up together in those mountain
> ranges, but you never finished the job. Also, the temperature
> variations are too extreme. Ice-cold at the poles and on mountain
> peaks, sure, but everywhere else should be nice and warm, but not too
> hot or humid, and no more of this seasonally adjusted temperatures
> nonsense.
>
> 3. Location
> Extremely isolated, and I mean BIG TIME! At first I thought this was a
> bit cruel to the sentient(ish) life forms on this planet, but then I
> realised it was a very wise precaution to keep them out of the way
> where they can't do any real harm. The anti-matter asteroid belt was a
> sensible back-up system.
>
> Conclusion:
> All in all, a good effort. A return inspection will be made in one
> aeon. If the above listed faults are not rectified by that time, the
> planet and your Oracular licence will both be revoked.
>
> Yours, Omnipotently
>
> The Interdimensional Standards Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear ISO,
}
} While I prefer not to argue with any standards body (indeed, ISO
} certification is quite important to a great many of my clients), I feel
} the need to point out a few areas in your reiew where you might have
} "missed the point" so to speak.  The varying items you noted are, for
} the most part, deliberate features that were put in quite deliberately.
}
} Item 1:  Organic life
}
} The so-called unbalanced sex drives are actually required in order to
} maintain karmic balance.  Further, by having the male sex drive higher
} than the female, the males are so busy thinking about sex that they
} don't notice that the women are really running the planet.  As far as
} the sealing system...what can I say.  The original design had an
} extremely solid sealant system, but the blowback pressure turned out to
} be (and how shall I say this delicately) damaging to the participants.
} It was felt by the Design Committee that allowing for some slight
} leakage would solve this problem. The procedure is fully documented
} (reference RFC#98832332323-1132, "How Tight is Too Tight?").  Hair is a
} side effect; we're working on the patch for this now; it should be gone
} by the next revision.  Flatulence was included by a former employee and
} will also be gone within 3 or 4 revisions; the problem of redesigning
} what is admittedly a poorly-thought-out energy extraction system is
} nontrivial.  Death, or (as we prefer to think of it here) "Automatic
} Termination Mode" is a limiting feature that was in the original
} proposal; please check your documentation.  As far as the giraffe and
} the platypus...well...these were put in primarily to give the limited
} intelligences of H. Sapiens something to wonder about.  They're not
} required any longer and a cleaner design might be to replace them with
} things such as Scientologists and Management Cosultants, which are
} within the design parameters.  Your input on this is appreciated.
}
} Item 2: Scenery
}
} I respectfully remind the ISO team that environmental regulations make
} it cost-prohibitive to move all the rocks to an approved disposal site,
} whereas leaving them in situ is an accepted industry-wide practice.
} And the temperatures were designed for variance to allow for what I
} admit is a personal preference for snowboarding and surfing.
} Additionally, we're using the site as a test platform for varying
} environmental condition as in the original specification.
}
} As always, we here at Internet Oracle are interested in working with
} ISO. Please don't hesitate to call me if you have any further
} questions.
}
} TIO

--- 957-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> As I grovel at your virtual feet, mighty Oracle, I ask you: A phrase
> I've heard many times quoted from a certain Great Book still confuses
> me. Exactly *HOW* does one "counterpoint the surrealism of the
> underlying metaphor"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Two fakes to the right.  A fake to the left.  Then clobber the
} surrealism with a kick to the underlying metaphor's kneecap.  Both go
} down in agony.
}
} At least, it works for me.  Your mileage may vary.

--- 957-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who imparts knowledge with impartial, impassable,
> impassioned, impeccable, impenitent and imperative passion, please tell
> me...
>
> My accountant tells me that I'm insolvent. Now, I don't remember much
> from my chemistry classes, but I think I know what that means: I won't
> be able to dissolve other substances. Is that what he means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you didn't hear him quite right.  He said you are "in solvent."
} Fortunately, you are not particularly soluble.
}
} You owe the Oracle a raincoat and an umbrella.

--- 957-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, the very essence of guy-ness, what should I get my
> husband for Christmas?  No matter what I do or what lengths I go to,
> he's invariably disappointed by what Santa leaves in his stocking.
> This year, figured you could come up with something devastatingly
> wonderful enough to inspire him to express some SERIOUS gratitude.
> Whadya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ma'am, it doesn't take an omniscient being to know what your husband
} wants.  What do all husbands want?  Of course -- love.  Only they
} think of it in different terms.  They don't want perfume and candles
} and potpourri and quilted slippers and fireplaces and hot chocolate
} and jewelry.  Men are much simpler.  Your husband wants just you.
} And I mean *just* you.  Naked.  With no thought in your mind except
} his pleasure.  Every night.  For the rest of his life.  That's all.
}
} Okay, if you really insist on the stocking thing, buy yourself a garter
} and some thigh-high hose and high heels.  And you could always invest
} in the "Kama Lisa", a book of intimate expression from Oracle Press.
} Trust me, he'll be both devastated and grateful.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  It's your husband who owes me!

--- 957-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Philological Oracle, why is it that sometimes my own name
> sounds funny, like it doesn't belong to me? This happens to
> lots of people with respect to their own names.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Phil, congratulations on seeking out a philologist to help you
} out.  Here are some reasons that your name sounds funny to you.
}
} 1.  You've had your Phil of it.
} 2.  It sounds philthy.
} 3.  It's short for Phenolphthalein.
}
} But the biggest reason it seems like it doesn't belong to you is: it
} really doesn't.  You philched it.  You were seeking fullphilment, and
} were unwilling to wait for a philanthropist.  I would turn you in, but
} I don't want to be a Philibuster.
}
} You owe the Oracle your stamp collection.  And, next time, I suggest
} the name Bud.  Not only is it in great taste, but it's also less
} Philling.

--- 957-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most polite, who never drinks from the fingerbowl and always
> knows the correct fork,
>
> I have a question on modern etiquette which I thought I would refer
> to you. Under normal circumstances, a gentleman should stand aside
> and hold a door for a lady. In the case of revolving doors, however,
> this is clearly impractical; and further, should the gentleman not
> enter first, in order to provide the motive power for the revolution
> of the door?
>
> I remain, Miss Manners
>
> PS. It's your turn to provide the cigars & J.D. for Thursday's
> poker game. Better go shopping - Emily Postnews drinks like a fish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're right, holding a revolving door is discouraged after the
} first two or three times; the bleeding from the knuckles is just
} unseemly.  However, rather than being just an etiquette dilemma, the
} revolving door can be used as a subtle and polite way of evaluating
} a relationship.
}
} When first approaching a revolving door as a couple, the gentleman
} should step aside so that the lady arrives at the door first.
} If she waits for him to move up and start the door moving for her,
} he should get used to being whipped.  If she attempts to start the
} door herself but fails, she's out of shape and will gain 30 pounds
} over the next year.  The best scenario is for her to successfully
} get through the door herself, after which he can step in behind her
} and check out her nicely toned, self-sufficient rear.
}
} Assuming the lady has passed the first test, the gentleman should
} ensure that he goes first the next time.  If the lady rushes to get in
} front and do it herself, she has a problem with men and the gentleman
} should just turn around and forget both the door and the lady.  If she
} allows him to go first, he should keep walking all the way through the
} door and emerge back where they started, attempting to look like one of
} the old comedians from before World War II.  If the lady sees no humor
} in this, she's a lifeless drone and should be avoided.  Mild amusement
} is acceptable, but the lady gets bonus points if she follows him back
} around and laughs about it.  More than once is just dumb, however.
}
} The gentleman should be absolutely unconcerned about what happens when
} the couple comes across revolving doors after this point.  If the
} lady EVER mentions her desire for him to adopt a certain revolving
} door behavior, she is stifling his individuality and should be given
} a look of disbelief.
}
} That pretty much sums it up.  I'm sure you're probably shocked,
} but what can I say?  They don't have revolving doors on Mars.
}
} You owe the Oracle a revolving liquor cabinet.

--- 957-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } Marketing Department
> } Times-Tribune
> }
> } 1 October 1997
> }
> } Dear Sir or Madam,
> }
> } Please find enclosed a check for the following ad to be placed in the
> } classified section of your paper.
> }
> } Thank you,
> }
> } The Internet Oracle
> } ================================
> }
> } IMMEDIATE NEED!
> }
> } Internet Oracle Inc. has an immediate need for 2 special individuals
> } to fill critical openings at our headquarters operation:
> }
> } 1)  Miserable Worm:  The ideal candidate will be able to perform
> }                      various duties including answer mail, light
> }                      cleaning and answering rhetorical questions.
> }                      Previous experience with ZOT! technology is
> }                      helpful but not required.
> }
> } 2)  Companion:  You are smart, unashamed and a good conversationalist,
> }                 and are unafraid to tell your boss exactly what you
> }                 think. NOTE:  Partial and/or full nudity is REQUIRED
> }                 for this job.
> }
> } Candidates for both positions will need to deal with a fast-paced
> } environment and be computer-savvy.  To be considered for one of these
> } exciting openings, please forward your resume and salary requirements
> } to Internet Oracle Inc, Department 5472, Indiana.  Internet Oracle
> } Inc. is an equal opportunity employer.
>
> Zathras see employment opportunity in digest.  Zathras wish to apply for
> position.  Zathras submit enclosed resume:
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Zathras
> Epsilon 3
>
> Previous Work Experience:
> Miserable Worm, Great Machine
>    Zathras have experience operating Great Machine.  Zathras learn much
>    under Drall.  Drall says, Zathras, do this.  Zathras, do that.
>    Zathras good at obeying orders.  Except when math involved.  ...math
>    not Zathras strength...
>
>    Sometimes, when Drall resting, Zathras enter Machine.  Zathras have
>    understanding about entire universe through Great Machine.  (Zathras
>    sorry about Drazi incident.  Zathras warn Drazi, but nobody listen to
>    Zathras...)
>
> Miserable Worm, Army of Light
>    Zathras work for the One in war against Shadows.  Zathras manipulate
>    time and space to provide base in last war versus Shadows.  Help
>    Zathras1 brother, Zathras, work with Valen to get base to past to
>    fight in previous war.
>
> Career Goals:
> President
>    Zathras look at budget deficit, says, not good.  Stop spending.  But
>    no one ever listen to Zathras.  But one day, everybody listen.  Then,
>    Zathras elected.  Zathras will be great president.  Someday even have
>    face printed on money.  Then, everybody have Zathras face in pants.
>    It is good to be president.
>
> References:
>    Zathras (brother)
>    Zathras (brother)
>    Zathras (brother)
>    The One
>    Drall
>    Valen
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> As demonstrated, Zathras excellent for job of Companion.  Zathras
> eagerly await interview.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great, it looks like I forgot to put "weirdos need not apply" in that
} ad.  Hey, Zadoc, come take a look at ... gosh darn it, I keep forgetting
} that he's gone.  I've got to find a replacement soon.
}
} Maybe I can get rid of this Zathras character by telling him I can't
} hire illegal aliens.  On the other hand, with Lisa gone, I am getting
} kind of lonely....  No!  NO!!  I'm not *that* lonely.  I'd rather go
} visit that Mexican burro again.  Wait, I've got it!
}
}    The Internet Oracle
}    777 Temple Way
}    Bloomington, IN  47401
}    USA
}    Sol 3
}
}    27 October 1997 (Western Earth reckoning)
}
}    Zathras
}    Epsilon 3
}
}    Dear Zathras:
}
}    Thank you for your recent letter in which you expressed interest in
}    applying for the job of Oracular Companion.  Unfortunately, the
}    position has already been filled by a squashed roach I found on the
}    floor.  However, I will keep your resume on file (in the prestigious
}    Round File, no less) and notify you should I find an opening for
}    which you are well suited (e.g., an airlock).  In the meantime, I
}    wish you luck in your quest to become President.  In fact, I think
}    you will make such a fine President that I am immediately sending my
}    renewal form and dues to the Zipper Opening Team and Society for
}    Technological Advancements in Fashions for the Fat (ZOTSTAFF) so that
}    I will be eligible to vote for you in the next election.  Good luck!
}
}    Mostly sincerely,
}
}    [signed]
}
}    The Internet Oracle