From oracle-request Mon Oct 14 09:41:16 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.6/IUCS.1.62) id JAA04745; Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:41:16 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:41:16 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199610141441.JAA04745@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #864 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 864 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #864 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:41:16 -0500 (EST) @@@ Happy Birthday, Internet Oracle! @@@ @@@ The Internet Oracle celebrated it's 7th birthday Tuesday, 8 October @@@ 1996. Best wishes to all the supplicants, incarnations, priests @@@ voters, and readers -- you are the Oracle. To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 864 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 859 102 votes jiqof fkFl5 6jzA6 3gxqo 7hrqp aiHr4 5qyod 9qBp5 dsum9 5cuCh 859 3.1 mean 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.5 3.4 3.0 3.1 2.9 2.9 3.5 --- 864-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, most sane and most lately wrong... > > What? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } W - you're so wonderful } H - you're so huggable } A - you're an armful of desire } T - you're so touchable } R - you're remarkable } H - you're as hot as any fire } Y - you're you, after all } M - you're not masterful } E - you're an expert in damn all } S - you're a stupid berk } W - you'll be out of work } I - if I've any say at all } T - you're so treachable } H - and heat-treatable } Z - I could zoom my staff on you } O - you're out of here } T - so shed a tear } ! - cos you haven't got a clue --- 864-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what is the difference between "Geek" > and "Dork", and why do most ISP's allow them to run rampant > in the ranks without any form of harness whatsoever? > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has found it very difficult to harness geeks and dorks. } Thick glasses and narrow shoulders make it difficult to get a bridle } on one of the little suckers. } } The difference between "geek" and "dork" is simple. Geeks have } saleable computer skills, especially in this, the day of the } Information Supermetaphor. Dorks still bag groceries, badly. } } ISPs find that geeks and dorks, when allowed to roam free, generally } don't cause much of a problem and will occasionally fix the news } server when it goes south, something the buff & well-coiffed marketing } types just can't do. There isn't much of a chance that the geek & } dork population will increase on its own -- there isn't much chance } of breeding opportunities for this population. Bill Gates, however, } is an exception. } } The downside, of course, is that geek droppings (Dilbert cartoons } and Nerf products) can, in time, clog up an ISP to the point where } it falls apart. This is, of course, why big vans pulled up to AOL } headquarters the day after the system crash. They hauled off all of } the geeks and dorks, leaving a building full of ravenous marketers & } free 3.5" floppies. } } The Oracle does not have high hopes for AOL. Geeks, when torn from } their natural habitat, have a Lassie-like tendency to try and return. } When thwarted, they grow vengeful and crash servers. } } The Oracle is also amused that you try and disassociate yourself } from the geek population. Just by asking a question, you have raised } your ranking in the Geek Code. Foolish mortal, you can't deceive the } Oracle -- you identified with the Tri-Lambdas in "Revenge of the Nerds" } and you know it. } } You owe the Oracle a Dilbert doll and a Nerf gatling gun. --- 864-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, why does Larry Ellison say that browsers will be a > thing of the past within 2 years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He doesn't - you misheard him. What he says is that TROUSERS will } be a thing of the past. It's all a byproduct of the "sexual } revolution". People have become convinced that sex is a fine and } natural thing, not the root of all evil like it used to be. And } skirts are SO much more convenient than trousers. Besides being } more structurally suited to the male anatomy. } } You owe the Oracle a priest's frock and a kilt. --- 864-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is unaffected by poison, > I am soon going on a trip where I will inevitably come across spiders. > How can I avoid being bitten? What should I do if I get bitten anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way to avoid being bitten by a spider is to make it clear that } you are quite willing to bite back. Most spiders, if confronted by an } individual who seems prepared to bite back (especially individuals with } bad breath) will choose not to bite. However, if the spider does } choose to bite you, here are some steps youcan take: } } 1)Scream Loudly while dancing around in pain. } } 2)Locate the Spider that bit you, and seal it in a glass petri dish, } being sure to keep it alive. } } 3)Scream Loudly (the pain should have passed by now). } } 4)Go to your local library and take out a copy of "The Arachnid } Oracle's Complete Guide to Spiders." } } 5)Scream Loudly and begin scratching at the now itching spider bite. } } 6)Return to the site where you hold the spider captive. } } 7)SHUT UP, I'm getting a little tired of all this screaming. } } 8)With the book open on the table, examine the spider. } } 9)Congratulation, the spider that bit you is not poisoness. If it } where, you would have been dead somewhere between steps 3 and 4. } } 10)Assured of your survival, eat a pizza with garlic AND BITE BACK. } } Of course, if these methods don't interest you, you could always tuck } your pants into your socks. } } You owe the Oracle "Deep Web Off". --- 864-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > _____ > / \ > (____/\ ) > |___ U?(____ > _\L. | \ ___ > / /"""\ /.-' | |\ | > ( / _/u | \___|_)_| > \| \\ / / \_(___ __) > | \\ / / | | | > | ) _/ / ) | | > _\__/.-' /___( | | > _/ __________/ \ | | > // / ( ) | | > ( \__|___\ \______ /__|____| > \ (___\ |______)_/ > \ |\ \ \ / > \ | \__ ) )___/ > \ \ )/ /__( > ___ | /_//___| \_________ > _/ ( / OUuuu \ > `----'(____________) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The supplicant submitted the first part of the puzzle. Here's the rest. } } | d| } | r| } | a| } | i| } --+ n+-- } | Septic | } | Tank | } //========== | } || +////////+ } || } || } auxilliary } || } || } o } o } } o } } _________________________ Lake with small critters and larger critters. } _ . _ . . \ } _ . _ _ . X . } _______________________/ \X Fisherman catching larger critters. } } Later...... } _____ } / \ } (____/\ ) } |___ U?(____ } _\L. | \ ___ } / /"""\ /.-' | |\ | } ( / _/u | \___|_)_| } \| \\ / / \_(___ __) } | \\ / / | | | } | ) _/ / ) | | } _\__/.-' /___( | | } _/ __________/ \ | | } // / ( ) | | } ( \__|___\ \______ /__|____| } \ (___\ |______)_/ } \ |\ \ \ / } \ | \__ ) )___/ } \ \ )/ /__( } ___ | /_//___| \_________ } _/ ( / OUuuu \ } `----'(____________) } } Those fishermen that realize that they're a part of a self sufficient } and closed system usually quit their hobbies. They don't understand } why they are being shunned by the rest of society, although they } usually think it's because of the smell of fish. The rest of us, } however, know better. } } You owe the oracle a fishing rod and a large can of deodorant. --- 864-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who obviously knows how many holes there are in Blackburn > Lancashire. > > How many holes does it take to fill the Albert Hall? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd day about a million and a half. But then there's the question of } what to do with all the donuts. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee. --- 864-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many Perot's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Egad, the answer to this could take BOOKS. Let me see if I can } abbreviate it for you. } } One Perot is needed for each task listed, unless otherwise specified: } * To analyze the old lightbulb from its manufacture to the point at } which it burned out. } * To analyze the original cost for the lightbulb. } * To analyze the cost of a NEW lightbulb. } * To analyze the difference in life expectancies of the new lightbulb } against the old lightbulb. } * (3) to analyze the feasibility of using a NEW lightbulb. } * (3) to analyze the feasibility of repairing the OLD lightbulb. } * (3) to analyze the feasibility of switching the socket to something } more energy-efficient. } * (3) to analyze the feasibility of leaving the OLD socket the way it } is. } * To file the lawsuit against the old bulb, saying that he was not } involved in the decision-making process of whether it could burn out } or not. } * To demand that the lawsuit be speedily pushed through the court } system. } * To file the appeal when he loses the first lawsuit. } * To demand that the appeal be speedily pushed through the court } system. } * To make the final decision as to whether, based on cost-analysis } studies, whether the bulb to be screwed into place (hereinafter and } forthwith thereto referred to as "replacement bulb") shall be the } "new bulb" or a repaired "old bulb." } * To write the press release indicating the nature of the replacement } bulb. } * To write the script for the 3 hour television show, paid for with his } own money, to discuss with the general public why it was a good } decision to use the bulb now designated as "replacement bulb." } Telephone calls will be accepted from viewers on an 800 line. } } Realize, however, that we haven't even BEGUN to place the replacement } bulb into the socket. Perot's are now needed: } * To confirm that the replacement bulb will fit within the socket. } * To coordinate another 3 hour television show to show the actual } replacement bulb being placed, live. Once again, telephone calls } will be accepted from viewers on an 800 line. } * To confirm that the replacement bulb will have a comparable number of } lumens as the original bulb. } * To determine the cost of a ladder to use in the bulb replacement. } * To determine if the cost of the ladder is cost-effective versus } just not replacing the bulb. [At this point, we will assume that } it is indeed cost-effective.] } * To determine the appropriate method of removing the original bulb. } * To determine the appropriate method of inserting the replacement } bulb. } * To remove the original bulb. } * (2) to hold the ears of the Perot that is removing the bulb out of } the way. } * To insert the replacement bulb. } * (2) to hold the ears of the Perot that is inserting the bulb out of } the way. } * To hold a press conference to explain the ins and outs of replacing } the bulb. } } Finally, Perot's are needed: } * To put the ladder away. } * To dispose of the original bulb, if appropriate, in a cost-effective } manner. } * To perform a final cost analysis of the entire venture. } * To determine where costs could be cut in the next bulb replacement. } * To determine if so many Perot's are needed in the future. } * To write the final press release explaining the entire procedure -- } in summary, of course. } * To produce the final 3 hour show which does the same thing as the } summary press release. Once again, calls from the general public are } accepted on an 800 line. } * To explain why the American people benefitted from him spending his } own money for the whole procedure. } * To say "Goodnight America." } } If I count correctly, that's 46. Oh, one more to determine the } appropriate salaries for each Perot, including himself. That's 47. } } You owe the Oracle a 1,378 page report explaining all the aspects of } replacing a bulb as listed above, with a table of contents, glossary, } index, bibliography (text must include footnotes or endnotes), and } hardbound so that it may stand the test of time. --- 864-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I send an http:// < > from my machine to the target machine, > what information about my machine is or can be saved to file by > the target machine? Such as URL, time, date, requested material, > etc. What information about the requesting machine is normally > catalogued by most Web servers? > > Thankyou Oh Wise One For Answering This Miserable Dog's Irrelevant > and Impudendent Questions! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ...about a cord an hour. --- 864-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Powerful Oracle, please tell me, > > Which is the most entertaining to watch? > > 1. Pinky and the Brain's attempts at world domination > > 2. Dogbert's attempts at world domination > > 3. Sadam Hussein's attempts at world domination And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps the most entertaining thing to watch is Saddam Hussein watching } "Pinky and the Brain" and taking notes. --- 864-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's another word for thesaurus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, actually, it isn't.